Monday, May 7, 2018

Busy, first time in a long time, and friend and family problems.


There were so many pine needles! I raked the crap out of them for spring clean up... and then deeply regretted it that evening and for the next few days. Amanda helped, but she did most of the stone laying and some of the mulch work. Her mom did some too. 

After an unintended hiatus, I think I am back, at least for the foreseeable future. Today is the first day in over a month that I have actually opened my laptop and did anything on it. I've had it in my bedroom, the living room, and in the office with the intent of getting online to read blogs, check e-mail, and look up supplies for home improvement and decoration projects. Only I never did and for a number of reasons. 

The chief reason was that we were intermittently busy. On weekends we had shopping days, food prep hours, and had some company. We also had a couple of events. During the week, when I felt up to it, I was cleaning and watching anime and or TV shows on Hulu. 

The second reason was that my depression monster had been raging almost with a vengeance. With the drop in pain management from the one medication made the pain from flare ups higher and more intense, and more debilitating, which in turn made things harder emotionally and mentally. To top it off my Mom threw some stuff at me one day that was upsetting and then a couple of days later, before I'd had a chance to really explain my concerns and feelings about it to her, she called for a third time to let me know that her identical twin, my Aunt Laura, was in the hospital with renal failure. She wanted to let me know that if it came to it, that she would donate a kidney to her sister and wanted to know my opinion on the matter. As much as I don't like this Aunt most of the time, I don't want her to die. Further, I told my Mom that it doesn't matter what my opinion on her donating is, its her body and her sister, and I would never tell her what she could/should or couldn't/shouldn't do. That is her decision. Well, after getting off the phone with her and then processing everything, I got a little pissed and very worried. And then with those two matters plus the pain, some other things, and already raging depression, I fell into a horrible downward spiral. Things were so bad that Amanda literally said "you're drowning in this and I don't know what to do". 

But then, they got even worse. I had a horrible day one day, called Amanda at work, broke down and took a whole nerve pill at her insistence. I have been avoiding taking that med because I know it is addictive and I don't want it to become a crutch. I wanted to learn to work through and deal with stuff on my own. She also wanted to me to call a friend and see if someone could come over or if I could ask her parents to come up and sit with me. That's so much easier said than done. I have such a hard time asking for help. It takes so much to for me to tell people certain things. Surface stuff is easy. Occasionally I vent here and sometimes I vent a little to friends, but I know that people have their own problems and while I know my friends might want to help, I feel so guilty about adding to their stress. Even when I am internally screaming and hurting while giving a friend a hug, the guilt is so stifling, I just say, I'm fine or okay.

  Anyway, the medicine evened me out. For a few hours but then by the time we'd returned home from out D&D game, I was exhausted and the medicine had worn off and I was quite frankly just done. I told Amanda I was tried of fighting the fibro, the depression, the low back pain, my weight, my family, sometimes my friends, and just everything. She wanted to know if she should take me to the hospital and I told her I didn't know. Instead, she cuddled me and helped me get ready for bed. 

A day or so later, I can't really remember, we went to a friend's. I wasn't feeling that great, but I was trying and had decided to leave all my upsets at home and try to enjoy the day. Things were going well and then a friend asked me a couple of hours in, how I was doing. The moment I opened my mouth to reply said friend turned their head away and began talking to someone else. Amanda was just as surprised and almost as upset as I was and she took my hand. I think if she hadn't been there and we hadn't car pooled, I would have left. That is the very thing that reinforces and cements the core belief that I'm not worth anything and don't matter. Somehow, I shoved all that down and made it through the rest of the night. But it is still bothering me. A lot of things are. 

However, I have since seen my therapist. She gave me a back up person in her office to call if I can't get a hold of her and we talked about some other things. Its a work in progress.  I also called and spoke to my Dad for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things and after I felt loads better. He also was a bit frustrated with my Mom and assured me that no doctor would consent to my mom donating a kidney with her health the way it is (which I figured and others thought also) but that Aunt Laura isn't even eligible because she has M.S. So while that's upsetting in and of itself, the somewhat selfish silver lining is that I won't have the possibility of losing my Mom due to this instance. 

On to cooler stuff!


Meet Yukiko, our Japanese Snowblossom tree. We've been working on our front and back yards as well as the inside of the house. I will share the inside of the house when it is more cohesive, we're almost there but not quite. So back to the front and back yards. 


This is our strawberry patch. Amanda built the raised garden bed herself and planted the marigolds n the corners. She has since added a pot in the middle with a lily. She's also going to build one or two more of the raised bed for our veggies and I am going to take one of the house doors we found in the garage and make an herb wall. 


This is the majority view of the back yard. I'm not sure what we're doing with the large metal beds, that part of the yard doesn't get sun. So shady place flowers until I can make my meditation spot? Along the fence we're planting some flowers and some vegetables. The gravel part will be raked clean, weeds killed, and will eventually have flagstone or concrete pavers laid to make a patio. 


This is the other part of the back yard. You can't see the drive way and raised garden bed, they were behind me. What you can see is the garage and the small gated section behind it. We are thinking about clearing out that area behind the garage for pumpkins. We don't know if the small deck was supposed to become part of a larger project, but we might break that apart to and use the wood to build something else. I've decorated the side of the garage with wind chimes, and couple of bird feeders, and some yard decor from the Dollar Tree and what we had left over from our apartment. 


Amanda bought me this fairy solar light and I picked up the Peter Rabbit watering can from a Thrift store. I planted some daisy seeds in it. I have a couple of other pots I've planted some pansies in, but I need to get more pots or take some more of the yard for flowers. 



Lastly, I leave you with the kitties. Miss Narcisa took over my spot in the bed one night and presided over it like the head of the Black Cat Yakuza she is.


And here is Thorin, lazing atop the cat tree in the sunlight, leaning against the window frame. This is also a tiny teaser for my living room. Amanda calls my design scheme for the room "elegant nightmare". I just hope the end result lives up to it. So far there's a little elegance and a few somewhat creepy yet beautiful pictures. 

Coming soon... Craft projects.

4 comments:

  1. I love what you guys are doing with your house! Everything looks so cute and homey.
    Depression still rampant here. Dr. upped my dosage yesterday. I'm hoping it will help with time.

    My alarm bells went off when you mentioned your mom asking what seems to be an irrelevant question. You've mentioned how manipulative she can be. It sounds like she's looking for a scapegoat to point a finger at in case something goes wrong whether any donation works or not. I'm sorry if that's insulting but I just don't see why she would be asking your opinion on that based on past things you've mentioned about her.
    Either way I hope things will turn out okay for your aunt.
    (Hugs)

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    1. Thank you! We are trying make it everything we want... of course, that's a little hard when you like so many different things and some of what one of us likes clashes with that the other likes and vice versa. Its been one of those lessons in equivalent exchange between two people who are kind of shit with communication, lol.

      I really hope the new dosage is working for you or at least helping to take some of that edge off. My doctor finally upped the dosage of my depression meds and its taken the biting edge off the fibro pain, for the most part, which is what I needed. I'm not sure its helping as much with the depression, but I'm gonna talk about that in my next post.

      With my Mom, yeah, she's been a bit manipulative in the past, but this time, if she is, I don't think it is intentional or malicious. For once, she was letting me know of something that might have been in advance. In the past she and Dad would wait until after something had happened thinking that in doing that, I wouldn't worry or get upset. I think I've chewed them both out enough to get them to kind of break that habit. My aunt has since come home and gone back into the hospital and come back home, but the family drama from her kids only exploded. I'm kind of the opinion that "yeah, your Mom is very hard to deal with and she wasn't the best mom. She's a shitty person, but deep down she does love you, and no you don't owe her anything, but she is dying, don't you think it would be nice if you could not be an ass and help her out a little?" But my cousins don't seem to care much about that or don't seem to care enough to be the better person, even when its difficult. But that's a whole other post in and of itself.

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  2. Sorry to hear your aunt hasnhad to deal with repeated hospital trips. Also, my positive thoughts go out to you and yours. (Hugs)

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  3. your place looks awesome! can't wait to see more!

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