Tolkien created a beautiful world. It has its downsides, all worlds do else there wouldn't be a story, but the few bright stars who are good and honorable, the ones like the Hobbits and Aragorn, Legolas, Gimili and yes even Boromir, and Gandalf, make his world the kind of place I wish I could live in. Sadly, it is fantasy and more depressing is that this world will never be like it. Maybe, once upon a time, long ago, long before Henry the 8th, Julius Ceaser, and further back... Or maybe it never has been and jokes on us. But this is not a new thought or revelation to me. I've always known most people were shit, most people are self serving and ugly, and if you find good ones like Aragron, they are rare. But again, people are human and it is the way it is and all you can do is expect the worst and hope for the best.
Today. Is. Not. One. Of. Those. Days. Today... today I would sit back with nice cold glass of water, a hand fan with my cats in my lap, my wife and closest friends, choice family next to me and watch this entire world burn and not to do a damn thing to stop it. At least that's what I'd like to think. It certainly appeals to the need for vengeance.
I've read some shit lately that, if even one hint of it is true- and as more time passes, it's looking more and more like it is true- yes I will be cryptic- then my inner need for vengeance is screaming and raging and flipping tables and lighting fires. I am sure some of that will abate with time. Maybe it won't. But right now I just want to be angry. I just want to wallow in it and decide what to do with it all tomorrow or the next day.
That reading aside, I have other reasons to want to rage like Grog. There is a person in my local community who is very sick. I used to try and put myself in her shoes, to sympathize with her life struggles, the abuse she says she's suffered. I got red flags early on, having grown up around some very questionable people, but I quieted it, trying to give her some space to settle down because of all the shit she was dealing with and all that stuff was A LOT! I wouldn't expect anyone to be completely sane after just the medical shit let alone the abuse she said she's lived through. However, everything imploded when another friend set a boundary that was repeatedly ignored. Hell, I set a quiet boundary that was blatantly ignored time and time again. Since then, this individual has behaved like a stalker, tried to get to the one who set the boundary through other people and any avenue she could, involved people who have no idea what the hell is going on 'to make them fix it'. She has no remorse, refuses to take responsibility for her actions and its sick.
A cease and desist order has been issued. It's really fucked up. I told my wife, who is frankly shocked that this is even happening, that she hasn't actually had to deal with real crazy and I know why that is. I am a whale with resting bitch face and when I dress in my goth clothes and make up, people find me scary or at least unapproachable. But she scares a lot of people away with her loud, spazzy antics. Crazy wants stable, not competition. So we've been fortunate to not have had to run into it in long time. Never thought I would ever think of my wife's brand of silly, obnoxious, antics as the perfect shield, but here we are and yes, I chose this and had 10 years to bail but still married her anyway. I guess I actually love her. But all levity aside, this too makes me sad because it's getting a little scary and frightening to see the friend who laid the boundary have to deal with this all while dealing with so much of her own stuff. Boundary friend has had some heavy losses, is dealing with losing a family member as we speak mentally and physically, and has a very depressed other family member.
Which leads me to another sadness. I am sad for the loss of a friendship that, in public view is still there and loving, but that I know is a complete lie. I've been deeply hurt by this friend, many times. I know it is my responsibility to speak up, but I have been very afraid to say anything, even thinking that I would be making something out of nothing. I gaslit myself out of fear and years of societal conditioning from shitty people. I will take responsibility for not speaking up, but, if myself or my wife were as important to said friend as they said we were- and they said we were family, which to me is pretty fucking important, then why ignore us? Why invalidate our existence to our faces? Why blow us off and cancel repeatedly? And I thought I was just being too sensitive, that this friend is very busy and I just need to be chill and be that chill friend who isn't a bother, but they've done it to three other friends and are now doing it another friend and even being just plain mean. It's not just us. Given what I know about this person and the shit they've dealt with, I understand, to a certain degree, the how and why some of this is happening, but still... its upsetting to watch someone else go through the same questions, the same confusion, and the same hurt. I told said friend, 'you know, in a few years from now or maybe several down the line, they will be lonely and won't have any friends left. And that's on them. We may not have done everything we could, but we can only do as much as we have the energy for and it's a fucking two way street". The façade of laid back, easy going perfection isn't worth burning bridges and friendships.
I have some other frustrations and anger over some political shit happening in this country and the disgusting lack of basic knowledge and the willful and deliberate continued ignorance of the people who run this country and that is on both sides of the fucking isle. Your ignorance is not your fault but it is most certainly your responsibility to fix it. Especially when we live in a day and age with libraries and the internet. Don't you dare tell me what I can and cannot do with or to my body when you don't even know how it fucking works. There is a lot more to that and at least a baker's dozen other issues I could get into, but I won't for now.
My last three sad/ scary things of the day are- no make that 4. The first is that I am sick and that makes me more prone to whining. But I am going to try and get into the doctor for what I think is a chest cold. While I might look some shit up online, I always present it to my doctor and defer to them. Like "I think it might be this, yes, I googled my symptoms, but you went to school and I want your opinion and would like your help to make it better please and thank you". I actually have a really good doctor right now and I very much appreciate her.
Okay the 2nd last sad/scary thing. My Grandma has been having some black out spells. She is 95 years old and has had them before. She and my Dad landed in the cardiologist's office and after a 2 and half hour wait, the surgeon came in and told her he thinks she doing everything she can do that is right and to keep on doing what she is doing- taking the best care of herself that she can, resting, monitoring blood pressure and so on. He said he could do a suggested surgery on her but given that she 95 and as we age our hearts get weaker and more fragile, he truly believed he stood a greater chance of losing her on the table than actually helping her. He did say he would do the surgery if she really wanted it. She didn't. They thanked him for his honesty and left. I know my Grandma has been without Grandpa for several years now and I know she is 95 and we don't have much time with her left, still doesn't make it easy knowing she'll leave us soon as well. I also pissed her off by telling her I would fight God I would fight him to keep her. She was not impressed.
And that brings me to my Mom. She had a really bad episode. Dad said she was out longer this time and when she came out of it, she wasn't totally back yet. She could get up and go to the bathroom on her own, but all he could get her to say was that she was okay. But she watched the cable menu screen all day. He said he told the doctor today that he hasn't looked it up, he's in denial- with understandable reasons-, and scared and worried that she may have Alzheimer's. He doesn't know for sure but he said that it's like she just slowly slipping away. That's not my Mom. She doesn't give up. She is a stubborn bitch and will fight tooth and nail. I told him that she told me that she is afraid that when she has these episodes she won't wake up again and it's just now dawning on me that's why she fights going to bed. Probably. It;s fucking scary. No one knows what's wrong. I honestly believe she's had a stroke but no doctor will agree. They say there isn't evidence. If you look at her fucking face, the left side droops a little. Her behavior changed. If not a stroke, then at least some kind of brain injury of some kind. None of this is normal! Never mind that my grandfather had a stroke and if the EMTS hasn't seen him having it, there wouldn't have been any evidence of it by the time they got to the hospital. Anyway, my Dad said, at this point, he is grasping at straws. The PCP doctor has never seen anything like this. The neurologist exhausted every resource he could before giving up.
So, yeah. I wish these things weren't happening. I wish I wasn't slowly losing my Grandmother to old age, my mother from who the fuck knows with the medical community saying idk and slamming the door in our faces due to lack of money, and people just suck. I still hold to that if I could live in Rivendell, I would. There are Elves, books, swords, beautiful waterfalls and trees, and they fucking eat vegetables! I wouldn't mind a jaunt to Lolthlorien, the Shire, and even Mirkwood. Could do without the giant spiders though.
