Raw hands, stomach, and a little Wammawink

Wammawink from Centaurworld. 

Why have I been awake since 2 am? Why do I nearly always wake between 2 and 3 in the damn morning? To pee, usually. It's obnoxious, especially since we are a one bathroom house and said bathroom is downstairs. So then I ask myself, is it worth it to get up and go down, do the business, and come back up? Because you can bet I will be wide awake by the time I get back up here. Well, despite telling myself that, no, it isn't worth it this morning, my bladder thought otherwise and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Of course that isn't the only reason, I'm having a fibro flare as well and since I sprained the MCL in my right knee that's be just lovely. There's yet another reason but I will get to that in a few. Such fun! But moving on.

A friend of mine had a birthday recently. He loves Wammawink from Centaurworld- a crack show if I ever saw one and also what my wife says her brain is like. I do enjoy the show and like several of the songs. In fact, there's one that just about makes me cry every time I hear it. When comparing ourselves to the characters, my wife is Glendale, and I am Becky Apples. Do with that what you will. Anyway, I digress. Knowing this friend loves Wammawink and everyone agrees he is, I decided to make him some Wammawink watercolor art. Of course I forgot to take a picture of it. I do have the line art still, though. He liked it so much he hung it on the wall right away. 

Tis the prime season for my hands to hate the world. I'm a little bit of an overzealous handwasher. I can't say obsessive, it's not that serious, but I do tend to wash my hands twice when finished in the bathroom, if I get sticky stuff or oily stuff on them, or when I've been cleaning. I also do dishes and cook a lot and given that I used to work in food service several years back and also a day care and we had the pandemic... My damn hands are raw! Again! Yes, this happens several times a year. My wife gave a hand salve for Christmas and I don't think it helps much. I have hand creams and lotions but when you hyper focus most of the day on various other things... Sometimes you forget, at least until your hand are itchy and sore or when you are washing your hands again, doing dishes, ect... It sucks!

On to the other reason I am up this early. I have GERD and I am often nauseated. In fact, since my doctor took me off omeprazole because new research says its bad for people long term- I've been on it so long I can't even remember when I was first prescribed it- I've been having a great deal more trouble. Since water gives me heartburn, my doctor's suggestion of diet change to help alleviate the issue had me rolling my eyes mentally. I'm self-aware enough and pay enough attention that I know which foods to avoid that really kick the heartburn off. And since I don't have a gallbladder anymore, I can't do a lot of greasy foods. It's not so much the heartburn anyway, its the fact that I get so nauseous. Lately, I've been throwing up for no good reason, usually first thing in the morning. No, I cannot possibly be pregnant, I had a full hysterectomy a few years ago and given that I am strictly monogamous and married to a woman... well.  Anyway, I am to see a dietician and my doctor again later in the month. We are trying to deal with this and she wants to try me on the medication like Wegovy for weight loss and diabetic prevention. If you've been as heavy as me for as long as I have and nothing else has been working, fuck it, I'll try it.     

Enough of that bitching and on to something fun, at least for me. Magic happened. Real manifestation magic before I'd really tried to put much work into manifesting what I wanted. One of my goals this year is to write at least half of one of the novels I have been trying to write for years. It was a goal last year too, but I could not, for the life of me, write much. Some of it was we were busy. Some of it was I was too tried and worn out. Some of it was impostor syndrome and anxiety and depression. But this year, when I put it on my list and had been talking to a friend about wanting to really do it, she voiced that she wanted to get stuff written too, and suggested starting a writing group. So, I did. And at first I really struggled and it felt like I was ripping every word out of myself, but lately, its just happening. I still struggle, sure, I think every writer does, but I have 35 pages written- which doesn't seem like a lot, but I have been editing and rewriting as I go and instead of doom and gloom and tears, I'm excited to write and think about the story a lot. And, I feel 'normal-ish' again. Like this is where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing. It's really nice. Since this is something I went to school for and have been doing since I was 13, I've regained a sense of true normalcy that I haven't in years. And it really does feel like I am finally getting my sense of self and my life back.    

 

Amanda's tentacle tea and paint party was not so tentacle-centric

I had so many amazing ideas for Amanda's birthday party this weekend... but they didn't really happen. I wanted to decorate so it looked like you were entering the sea- only darker because you'd be walking into Chthulu's (sp?) lair. Another idea was a cute, happy Eldergod's home for tea. Amanda has a lot of Octopi and some Chthulu plushies that would have been added decorations. In fact it was supposed to be a Tentacle Tea party! 

But nothing really worked out the way I had planned for her. In fact the apartment managers wanted me to play a game of "come chase us down for the key to the club house". We didn't have some things and thankfully we have some great friends who helped me cover food, especially since my back was locking up and hurting so badly yesterday. I had moments where I just wanted to cry because of the things I couldn't do. There's some other things happening yesterday that made it difficult. However, I think the party went on pretty well. 

We coupled her tentacle tea with a painting party. Amanda wanted us to work on spooky stuff, so I painted a sppoky house with a cat and a graveyard, complete with bats. Amanda painted the H.I.M. heartagram symbol with tentacles reaching for it. It was cool. 

One of our friends painted a pretty book picture and I really liked it. I liked it so much that I wanted to make one myself. I added space in the form of stars and the moon. I also added bats because they are cute!

When I woke up this morning, I must have still had the painting-artsy bug, because I saw down at the table and made this while Amanda made breakfast and coffee. I think it is one of my favorites and I want to make more. It;s watercolor where as the two above are acrylic. 

Anyway, I just wanted to get these up before I went to bed.

Salad is my excuse to eat croutons and a thrift store find turned into diy goth goddess

Amanda and I found this really interesting wall plaque at the Goodwill store near our home. For us, it had a pagan feel and just seemed like it needed to come home with us. There was a very faint, barely there sort of paint job on the flowers and leaves, and it had some dirt in the nooks and crevasses. I didn't like weird dirty pink tone of it, so I decided to paint it. At frist we thought it would be a pretty Greenwoman. I've been drawn to the idea and image of the Greenwoman for many years. Actually, I was at a Renfaire and saw a Greenwoman mirror stand with a round mirror that set into the top of it and knew instantly that it was mine. Sometimes you just know. (Elen of the Ways is the closest I've come to finding a "Greenwoman" figure- not that I looked really hard until a few months ago when I saw some statues. Just kind of seemed like a rare thing.)

Anyway, I was going to do some "as I work" pictures but never seemed to remember to take them while I was painting. I'm sorry, I really got into it. So here is the final result. 

Believe it or not, trying to get paint into some of those tight and small spots was kind of difficult, especially when I was trying not to get it in places I didn't want it to go. I had to keep going back to do some touch ups. But no more, it is finished, sealed with a clear spray paint and ready to go up on a wall. I just haven't decided which wall and in which room as of yet. 

Yes, as the title suggests, the small salad I had for lunch which was basically mushrooms and spinach, was my vehicle and excuse to eat the seasoned herb croutons I bought from the store last weekend. I don't normally buy croutons and pretty much have them once in a great while as a kind of treat, but I was craving them for some reason. 

Since we happen to have mushrooms, another thing I don't buy often because Amanda doesn't like them and will only eat them if they are in cream of mushroom soup, I put them in my breakfast scramble this morning. That consisted of an 8th of a pound of sausage, onions, spinach, red and green bell papers, and mozzarella cheese. Because I woke up after Amanda went to work, I just made a small batch, just enough for myself. It was lovely. You know what else was lovely, pumpkin pie spice coffee creamer. Yep, we found some at Fred Meyer this last weekend. I love having it in my coffee. 

I have learned some things!!!

First, I would like to learn how to paint with water colors like this. I think it would be fun and it would certainly satisfy part of my love/need to paint. 

Second, if I can swing it, I am getting myself an Erhu when I graduate. It looks and sounds like this. 

I love the sound of this instrument. I'm not looking to preform anywhere, just learn how to play and play for myself. Ever since I had to pawn my trumpet for gas money several years ago and my piano keyboard decided to crap out on me, I've missed playing music. Amanda, thankfully has a cornet, violin, and mandolin but they are all back in Kansas in my parents basement. They aren't doing us much good there. We will get them, eventually. In the mean time, I will have this wonderful instrument to learn and explore, just for me. I also thought about a Cello but I have no idea where we would put it. 

Okay so on to what I have learned in the last couple of days. 

That park I went to is apparently a park for hookers and hooking up, or so I have been told. Okay, so maybe I will try for High Bridge park next time I have to go park and sit while waiting on Amanda. The great thing about living somewhere new is learning all the places to stay away from and all the cool stuff to check out. 

The next thing is that my wellness class is exactly what I thought it was going to be like. People with good intentions and with great ideas who want to make the world a better place and make things fair and wonderful for everyone. They talk about the ideals and wellness all around. These are great concepts and I am glad that someone is doing research into these things and trying to lay the ground work for the greater good. Seriously, I commend their efforts. However, I don't believe that someone can be 100% "well". At least not in everyone's opinion. There will always be something wrong with someone. I say that because they talk about health and how you might seem healthy but not know there is something wrong with you. If there are no symptoms how are you to know unless you go looking and poking. Which is fine. But the more you look, eventually you're probably going to find something. Then there is the whole imbalance part of it and how we need to work to becoming balanced and so on. Okay, that's fine too. But, bottom line, no matter what I think is healthy or what my ideals of wellness are, are never going to match up with someone else's.

We also looked at wellness models. I tend to gravitate toward the holistic, at least that's what seemed to resonate with me the most when reading about the models. It was neat. 

I came across an article called When Pain Hijacks Your Brain. Someone on the support fibromyalgia page on facebook posted it and I thought I would give it a shot. The author basically outlined what I've been dealing with for a really long time. I'm naturally observant anyway, so I tend to watch and listen to people. I also really think about conversations I've had or things I've read or seen or what have you, so I don't often reply right away to something. But then there is this on top of it. I've been in a serious conversation with people before and just fucking lose what I was talking about. Then I spend a minute or two rambling because I'm trying to back track to remember what the fuck I just lost. It's really Gods damned annoying! And I do worry about Alzheimer's because my Grandpa has it. But yeah, reading this was kind of exciting and I will have to remember it the next time I get frustrated so I don't automatically start shutting down because I think I sound like an idiot. Actually, this article came at the right time. Because I've seriously been going over stuff I've said in a conversation with some friends recently. I was so worried that I came off like an idiot because I know I rambled some. Amanda said I didn't and to chill. LOL. 

I've learned that self esteem issues are still a bitch even at 32. 

In other news, I am waiting to find out how much it is going to cost to get my medical records sent to me. I signed a release form at my old doctor's office. I want to see my records myself because I am not sure I buy what I was told about my ultrasound to look at my ovaries. Amanda's Aunt (who is strange but worked at a hospital) seems to think with the amount of pain I am in just from my period that I have to have some cysts. She thinks because at the time, I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for anything more, that my doctor didn't tell me the whole truth. Well, I really liked that doctor and hope she was honest. I will find out for sure when I get my records. 

I have also managed to do something to my back again. I am not sure when or what exactly, but I have a pinchy, burning, stabbing pain in my lower back again, on top of the dull incessant ache, and I can feel it tightening. This does not make me happy. This is not good. I took some tylenol and decided to just decided to work on the laundry today. We are so backed up and behind from when we were sick. Actually the whole house is getting cleaned this weekend. YAY!!! No really, I will feel much better when everything is put away and I can clean everything to my standards. 

The hair thing happened, so did the tummy plague, and I made a thing.

Here it is, my hair. My phone camera is terrible and seriously dulled the colors.

This shot is a little better. I will be taking one outside, in natural light as soon as I feel up to it. 

At the moment I have a tummy plague. I don't know if it is a stomach flu or bug or just a terrible manifestation of all the running, go go go, and stress and this is my body's way of saying "You dumb bitch, you can't do all of this shit anymore, slow the hell down" or what, but it sucks! Amanda is sick too.

I made a thing for a friend's birthday today. I painted a feather and I am sure it could have looked much better had I actually been able to find my paint brushes, but for what it is, all the finger dabbing, Q-tip dabbing, and cuticle pusher (yes you read that right) dabbing, I got it done. I even finished it off with sharpie to add some more details and a clear glitter to help give the galaxy effect. I also made her a bracelet. Amanda made her cookies. However, if we aren't feeling better she might not get it until after her birthday. Which makes me sad. 

Its a fat owl. 

Oh and Narcisa had to have one of the turkey feathers I bought for this project.