Furious, can't even, reading FMA djs and manga for sanity

My hope was to not post another blog entry until after my surgery, but alas, I need to vent again. A lot of my recent blog posts have been about my damned hysterectomy, how I need one, that I am finally getting one, and now apparently not getting one as quickly as we thought. *Screams internally and mentally breaks shit* 

I saw that I'd missed a call from the Cancer Care Northwest folks Thursday evening and listened to my voice mail. My surgeon's assistant didn't give me any details other than I needed to call her back, which alarmed me a little. So, I got logged into their website to check my test results- because they put those up for people review. What I found left me upset. In the blood work there's signs of potential early kidney failure. Well, as disturbing as that is, I was looking into it on multiple sites and making notes to go over with my primary doctor and thinking that surely the anemia has a little something to do with it, and that once the hysterectomy is done, I can address that problem properly. Then I checked my x-ray results. Either I have pneumonia and don't know it or there is a partial collapse at the bottom of my left lung. I am a shallow breather, always have been, was a smoker, and have recently- in the last couple of months- been sick, so that might play into that. But that wasn't the issue.

I got a hold of the Cancer Care Northwest folks yesterday to find out what the problem was. Apparently my EKG came back abnormal and they want to send me to a cardiologist for a stress test. That might push my surgery back which really sucks because I kept telling myself "Just hang in there until Wednesday and then you'll stop bleeding all over the place, just hang in there, almost done!"  Seriously, I just about had a knock down sobbing panic attack when I was told this news. 

Then around 5pm last night, just before offices close, I got a call from my primary care physcian's office. They wanted to know what the hell was going on and why they were getting a referral request from Cancer Care Northwest for me to get a stress test prior to surgery. My doctor was so confused and it's because my ONGYN's office, who not only has her information but has an office right across the hall, in the same building as my primary doctor's office, couldn't be bothered to send her any of my information like they were supposed to, no REQUIRED to do. So my doctor's assistant had to hurry over before the OBGYN's office closed, request all my records, and hurry back to talk with my doctor and then hurry up to schedule me in on Monday to see a different doctor so that they could get completely caught up and get the refferal sent out and hopefully get me in on tuesday- the day I am supposed to be doing a bowel cleanse and liquid diet- before my surgery and even then I might still not get scheduled for the cardiologist in time and because I am so stressed out by all of this crap, I may not get approved for surgery, and it might still get pushed off, which will only stress me out more. 

*RAGE FIT*

I can't do this shit. I just can't. People tell me it will be okay and just to hang in there, to calm down, to breathe and I just want to smack them and say "fuck you, you breathe, you calm down". Everyone always tells me to calm down because for some reason no one can handle me having emotions. No, I'm not going to be the calm one. I'm sick of this shit. I really am read to just tear my uterus, ovaries, and all of it out myself. I can order scalpels from amazon and we have prime so we get free 2 day shipping. I can't just do this and this back and forth, dangling hope of a real life in front of me is so fucking cruel I can't take it any more. 

So I have been reading Fullmetal Alchemist doujinshi's and looking at pictures of Roy Mustang (my favorite character) to try to distract myself and stay calm and sane. I am thinking about going to read some old fan fic that some online friends wrote. I kind of want to print it out for myself and put it in a binder. I even want to go read some of the fanfic that I wrote for the series. I am desperately clinging to everything that sparks my joy button because I'm going nuts. And I am so fucking sick of cry over this shit. 

My Dad thinks I should go shooting, that I should just go grab our rifle from Amanda's parents house and some ammo and head out to the rifle range and shoot targets for awhile. But, its cold, wet, and I'm not sure the road up there is clear much less safe right now and I am not going to pay ten bucks to shoot a gun indoors. (Yes, I have a rifle and know how to use it. Dad taught me when I was 9 and started me out on black powder rifles and pistols and truth be told I prefer them to more modern guns- although there is an anti tank gun that was used in a movie that I fell in love with... >.>) 

Aurora Colorado and the Domestic Terrorist Holmes.

It's taken me awhile to get to working on this particular blog because I've just been so angry and so sad. I don't know anyone from Aurora, Colorado but I really, honestly feel for those who were in that theater the night that Holmes decided to shoot the place up. Frankly there was no reason for it and I absolutely do not think Holmes deserves any sympathy. I do not believe he is crazy. I think he knew exactly what he was doing all along and I will address all of that as I go.

You should probably know that my Father worked in corrections for 30 years. He took me to work with him a lot. I went to school with some of the clients or kids of his clients. Furthermore I have family who happen to be criminals themselves. I'm not a trained professional in dealing with criminals but I have been exposed to them, been around them and their mentality, and seen their tricks enough to know a little something about them. And of course, anytime I have a question about something, I ask my Dad who was a professional and a damned good one.

First order of business, the media is having a fucking field day with this. I only know this because I happen to live in a house where the TV is always on and almost all of that time it is on a news channel. Whether I want to or not if I pass by or through or happen to sit in the living room, I'm going to catch something from one of the news stations. Now, I know that each news corporation is affiliated with a political party. I'm not stupid you can tell in the way the news anchors/journalists talk or discuss certain issues. One particular journalist for ABC made a big boo boo and I personally think he should be fired for it. (I don't know if he has or not, I haven't gone to look and see, this is just my personal opinion.) He didn't do his job and actually research Holmes. Instead he went looking for someone with the same name on the Tea Party registry and then told the nation that Holems was a member of the Tea Party when in all reality Holems is a registered Democrat. Bad ABC man, bad! How about you do your fucking job instead of trying to shove your political agenda at people.

Second, is this business of how Holems looked in his first courtroom appearance. Really people get off the hair color. There are plenty of nice people out there who dye their hair wild colors. And what's was with all that discussion and long drawn out conjecture of his sanity by his facial expressions. Are you kidding me, if you can't tell that that ass hole was coming down off the adrenaline high after all that hell he caused and was simply bored, then you are just an idiot.

And what's with all this 'he's a suspect' nonsense? The police caught him in the act, in full riot gear. He told the police that his apartment was rigged up with bombs. He had a detailed plan and they have the evidence of all the weapons and ammunition that he bought. And by the way, in case you didn't know he had explosives in his apartment an AR-15 assault rifle, a Remmington 12 gauge shot gun, a .40 Glock, and like I said he was in full riot gear plus he had smoke bombs. This man clearly went to the theater with the intent to hurt and kill people but not get hurt himself. He is guilty! And further more I will say what no one else will say, the fucker is a Domestic Terrorist. There is no question about it. He's ruined a much anticipated film for all those hurt. He's made people (not all people but a lot) afraid to go to theaters.  I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to a fair trial, I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to fair representation. What I am uber pissed about is that they are trying to get him off on an insanity plea. Um, no. If the fucker can plan all this shit out, looks bored in the court room, then he can carefully plan out a way to make himself look crazy and personally I don't think he did a good job of it.

Personally, I think they should speed up the trial instead of dragging it out. I think that he should be put in a bullet proof vest and put in a makeshift theater in jail and shot at every day to give him a taste of his own medicine. I also think he should have to work his ass off in jail doing the most disgusting of jobs to pay off the medical bills and funeral costs of all those he hurt and killed. And I think should he get the death penalty if found guilty (which he is) and he should be shot to death by firing squad.

Am I being mean, probably. Do I have any tolerance for this shit, fuck no. But let's move on to something a little lighter shall we.

Someone put up a note on facebook to be 'liked' and 'shared', I think it was the parent of one of the people in the theater that night but don't quote me on it, saying that it would be nice if Christian Bale would come and show the kids and people that even though there are monsters, there are heroes too. Other things were said but I can't seem to find it at the moment to say what all it was. Anyway, I really liked it and hoped that by sharing it that it would get to who needed to get to and Mr. Bale might see it and go. Well my girlfriend's best friend brought out the Troll in herself and said it would be good but she didn't think that Christian Bale was a good role model because he assaulted his sister and mother. What the fuck?! I had seen something awhile back about there being something going on between he and his mother and sister but I never heard that he actually assaulted them. She said that she read something on it but she didn't say where or anything like that and since it was some time ago I wasn't going to press her on it.

So I went and researched this and read through about five or six articles. They all said the same thing. Christian Bale was upset, he'd just lost his friend Heath Ledger, his mother and sister were verbally insulting his wife and he yelled at them because he couldn't remove himself from the situation due to paparazzi outside the hotel. He brushed passed his mother and she got hissy and called the police. He went to the police of his own free will the next day and spent all day in questioning and NO charges were made. Of course I couldn't tell her that but the fact that I had gone and done the research myself was all I needed. Plus if she ever brought it up again I had that information and where to find it to 'attempt' to shut her up.

So when there was news of Mr. Bale going to Aurora to visit the victims and funerals of the victims I made a point to share that news and my thanks to him on facebook. I know he won't see it but still it matters to me and even more so to those who were hurt and lost loved ones that he came. He didn't have too but he did. That's all that matters, not what did or didn't happen with his family months or years ago. As you can imagine my girlfriend's best friend probably wasn't happy but at least she kept her mouth shut this time.

Well, I've said all I am going to say about this for now. I know it was a lot all crammed into one post.