Of Boobs, Tears, and Spiders and Vindaloo

Pardon me while I have what my friend Tsuki calls a "lady boner" over Cate Blanchett playing Hela in the upcoming Thor 3 movie! I've always loved her and she became my Elven Queen in Lord of the Rings. I am so excited to see her in this roll, not because I've read the comics- because I haven't- but because she'll be playing what looks to be a villain. Ehm, she's freaking hot!

Prior to my hysterectomy, I had been trying to adjust to my "new normal" frequently. Now, life has giving me the opportunity to do so yet again with the surgery and the resulting aftermath. This morning, as Amanda was leaving, I broke out into tears because I miss one of our friends dearly. This friend is super busy a good deal of the time and while we both completely understand that and never want to become a source of strain, we've really been feeling her absence. 

Anyway, I figured that crying episode was in part because I was up all night writing. I seemed to get a second and then third wind. My stomach was bothering me from the chicken Vindaloo I'd made for dinner- the spiciness of which was on par with my mother's what I consider hell fire chili. When Amanda says it's spicy, you know you're going to experience it again later. I don't think my stomach has quite recovered. My body aches incessantly. Not the sharp pains or intense make you want to vomit kind of pain. No, this is a dull incessant, not quite bad enough to make you take a full on pain pill, but just enough to constantly drive you nuts. Worse, my breasts have decided to hop on the bandwagon. 

I knew I was in trouble this morning, apart from the crying and aches and pains, when I hallucinated a spider crawling long my arm but didn't feel it. I also had a good deal of trouble moving about. I decided to make some coffee and something to easy for breakfast. I ate, I drank a cup of coffee and this cherry and chia seed juice drink, then sat on the sofa with my feet up. I know drinking a cup of coffee seems counter productive, but sometimes when I am really tired, if I drink a cup, the crash helps me go to sleep easier. 

While I did get to sleep, my bastard cat, Thorin, woke me up 3 1/2 hours later. I thought he was hungry. Nope, Amanda fed the kitties before heading out to work this morning. He wanted attention and insisted I pet him. I wanted to strangle him. Now he's sleeping on the cat tower with Narcisa and all I want to do is get the squirt bottle and spray the hell out of him. I can't go back to sleep because the twins will be here in an hour or so. We are taking them to the bus station tonight so they can go on to Seattle for Sakura Con. I also need to do the dishes so I can cook dinner tonight and pick up the living room a little bit. Because I still haven't been able to lay down to sleep, Amanda has been sleeping on the sofa off and on to be near me. I need to fold our blankets, pull the sheet and pillow off to make room for our guests. I kind of just want to curl up and read or watch tv.

While I promised my parents I would read Monster Hunter International by Larry Correia and it is entertaining, I am crawling through that novel. I don't know what it is. I like it well enough, but I don't know, all the gun specs have me stopping to look them up so I know what the hell the character(s) are talking about. I can't help myself because I do like guns and I find it fascinating. But it slows down the reading and I'm not quite as into it as my parents are. However, it is giving me a genuine look into a kind of how should I put this, dumb, hopeless puppy dog, kind of chasing after some girl, that I haven't read before. Which is helpful for when I decide, if I decide to write a character like that. So I will never say the reading has been a waste of time. 

But I have been wanting to finish out Jeannine Frost's Night Prince series for awhile now. Since it has been a while since I read the first and second book, I decided to reread them so they are fresh in my mind as I move into the third and forth, final book. I know I am going to be so sad when the four books ends. I love this Vlad, he's such an ass but a fun ass! Aside from blatant attraction, I think if he were real, he would be a fun friend to have, a scary one of course- he is dangerous- but fun none the less. 

Furious, can't even, reading FMA djs and manga for sanity

My hope was to not post another blog entry until after my surgery, but alas, I need to vent again. A lot of my recent blog posts have been about my damned hysterectomy, how I need one, that I am finally getting one, and now apparently not getting one as quickly as we thought. *Screams internally and mentally breaks shit* 

I saw that I'd missed a call from the Cancer Care Northwest folks Thursday evening and listened to my voice mail. My surgeon's assistant didn't give me any details other than I needed to call her back, which alarmed me a little. So, I got logged into their website to check my test results- because they put those up for people review. What I found left me upset. In the blood work there's signs of potential early kidney failure. Well, as disturbing as that is, I was looking into it on multiple sites and making notes to go over with my primary doctor and thinking that surely the anemia has a little something to do with it, and that once the hysterectomy is done, I can address that problem properly. Then I checked my x-ray results. Either I have pneumonia and don't know it or there is a partial collapse at the bottom of my left lung. I am a shallow breather, always have been, was a smoker, and have recently- in the last couple of months- been sick, so that might play into that. But that wasn't the issue.

I got a hold of the Cancer Care Northwest folks yesterday to find out what the problem was. Apparently my EKG came back abnormal and they want to send me to a cardiologist for a stress test. That might push my surgery back which really sucks because I kept telling myself "Just hang in there until Wednesday and then you'll stop bleeding all over the place, just hang in there, almost done!"  Seriously, I just about had a knock down sobbing panic attack when I was told this news. 

Then around 5pm last night, just before offices close, I got a call from my primary care physcian's office. They wanted to know what the hell was going on and why they were getting a referral request from Cancer Care Northwest for me to get a stress test prior to surgery. My doctor was so confused and it's because my ONGYN's office, who not only has her information but has an office right across the hall, in the same building as my primary doctor's office, couldn't be bothered to send her any of my information like they were supposed to, no REQUIRED to do. So my doctor's assistant had to hurry over before the OBGYN's office closed, request all my records, and hurry back to talk with my doctor and then hurry up to schedule me in on Monday to see a different doctor so that they could get completely caught up and get the refferal sent out and hopefully get me in on tuesday- the day I am supposed to be doing a bowel cleanse and liquid diet- before my surgery and even then I might still not get scheduled for the cardiologist in time and because I am so stressed out by all of this crap, I may not get approved for surgery, and it might still get pushed off, which will only stress me out more. 

*RAGE FIT*

I can't do this shit. I just can't. People tell me it will be okay and just to hang in there, to calm down, to breathe and I just want to smack them and say "fuck you, you breathe, you calm down". Everyone always tells me to calm down because for some reason no one can handle me having emotions. No, I'm not going to be the calm one. I'm sick of this shit. I really am read to just tear my uterus, ovaries, and all of it out myself. I can order scalpels from amazon and we have prime so we get free 2 day shipping. I can't just do this and this back and forth, dangling hope of a real life in front of me is so fucking cruel I can't take it any more. 

So I have been reading Fullmetal Alchemist doujinshi's and looking at pictures of Roy Mustang (my favorite character) to try to distract myself and stay calm and sane. I am thinking about going to read some old fan fic that some online friends wrote. I kind of want to print it out for myself and put it in a binder. I even want to go read some of the fanfic that I wrote for the series. I am desperately clinging to everything that sparks my joy button because I'm going nuts. And I am so fucking sick of cry over this shit. 

My Dad thinks I should go shooting, that I should just go grab our rifle from Amanda's parents house and some ammo and head out to the rifle range and shoot targets for awhile. But, its cold, wet, and I'm not sure the road up there is clear much less safe right now and I am not going to pay ten bucks to shoot a gun indoors. (Yes, I have a rifle and know how to use it. Dad taught me when I was 9 and started me out on black powder rifles and pistols and truth be told I prefer them to more modern guns- although there is an anti tank gun that was used in a movie that I fell in love with... >.>) 

Finally good news

Can't remember who did this picture and deviant art dumped most of my saved favorites on their site... However, I feel this one is appropriate given that I feel a little lighter and more assured after my visit at Cancer Care Northwest today. Some of you will have read this message on facebook, but for those who don't follow me of facebook, here you go...

Finally some good news! My consultation with the Cancer Care Northwest doctor today went really well. After being poked and prodded, the doctor decided that a hysterectomy is the best option. My weight is a concern as far as risk for heart attack or stroke and anesthesia- I knew that- and she wanted to try to install an IUD until I get some weight off. I firmly told her that was not an option, to just do the surgery. So, she had me go to the in-house lab to check to see if I need a blood transfusion because I am anemic and pale (finally the vampire/ graveyard tan has been achieved! LOL)  Then she sent me for a chest x-ray and EKG to make sure there aren’t going to be any problems or delays in that area. My surgery is set for next Wednesday and she’s already got me scheduled for a post op appointment a month later. 

The surgery will be laparoscopic and she wants to make it the least invasive as possible. 

Now, because there are risks, and when the receptionist at the hospital asked me if I had a living will (I said no but I should probably think about one- mostly to protect Amanda and have her voice heard) she gave me something that will work in place of it that does not require a notary. So, I am going to read over that and fill it out tonight. 

I really like this doctor. I feel much better and safer in her hands than I did my OBGYN. In fact, Cathy and Francis- Amanda's parents- were so disgusted with how he handled our last communication, telling me I might have cancer over the phone, that they are glad I have someone else too. And after everything, I feel very much like he just washed his hands of me. I don't appreciate that and will be finding a new OBGYN after my surgery and when I have been given the okay to return to normal medical processes. If I need one that is. I did give my new doctor complete permission to take it all. I told her she could burn it. I have no love for any of it, as I have said before. 

Well, that's the update for now. I need to go pick Amanda up from work.

Bad news from the GYN.

My GYN called me today to give me the test results of my ultrasound and biopsy. Both are abnormal.  He said I have hyperplasia- a pre cancerous growth in my uterus, and he is sending me to the Cancer Center Northwest. He said that they are going to do the hysterectomy like he would, probably a little more and make sure nothing has spread outward. They will also probably keep and eye on me for a year afterward. 

I kept telling people there was something wrong, for YEARS, I told them. 

I'm going back and forth between pissed, crying, and everything is all over the place but hey at least it is snowing!

I think I am going to go find something to eat for lunch and go back to watching War and Peace.  

Can't catch a break. Oh look eye candy!

Because I need a "make me happy" pic

I went for training yesterday. Everything went well, but I have one as far as I can go until their various background checks come back. Once those come through and are approved, then they will call me back. It would be two days, it could be two weeks from now. I actually had a pretty good day except for that I am back on my period and have been bleeding excessively heavy for the last couple of days, again. In other words, hemorrhaging. AGAIN. So I took lots of pad to training with me, took several bathroom breaks just to keep on top of it. Only I wasn't able to.

Near the end of the day, just as I was about to ask for another bathroom break, I had a problem. Luckily, I got my bathroom break, only to learn that things were so bad that I'd filled and overrun the pad I was wearing. Blood was not only soaked into my pants but had seeped down my leg a little it. So, of course, I panicked a little and did what I could to clean myself up. Then I cleaned my pants up as best as I could and spent the last hour, hiding it. I would have just asked to go home, had I gone in my own car. Since we couldn't afford the gas for my car this time around, Skoora dropped me off at the labor office and her Dad was to come pick me up. Also, I didn't say anything because I have been let go from jobs before because of health issues and I really didn't want to be barred from this one before I'd even been hired, especially since this one is so perfect. Oh and I would like to point out that the blood was only in the front, had it been in the back, I would have said "screw it" and just gone home. But, I made it the last hour, called Skoora's Dad and hurried home to finish cleaning myself up.

Not that it did me much good. I'm still having problems, the cramps are so bad I want to vomit, I've got a migraine, and oh yeah, this is the first time since yesterday afternoon that I haven't been so exhausted that I can't stand it. I was in so much pain last night that I was crying involuntarily and I asked Skooka if I stabbed myself enough to tear things up, did she think the ER would be forced to do an emergency hysterectomy? She said she didn't think they would, that they would probably just patch me up and send me home. BUT what else am I to do? The birth control only worked for the time I took it and it was a problem in and of itself. I can't drive with migraines. But I can't drive and risk potentially passing out or making a mess in a company vehicle either. Sure I can keep wearing the monster huge pads and cover the seat with a puppy pad, which is embarrassing, but that's not going to save my clothes and I would still have to get out and open doors for the clients, who by the way are all going to basically be redneck railroad conductors and engineers.

I am at a loss. I would never be able to get the surgery I need because I cannot afford it and Idaho opted out of the health care act so I don't get automatically covered. I can't get a medical card unless I am deemed by the courts as disabled, been there done that, was denied, so that's not going to work either. The only way I can get a hysterectomy is if it is a life or death situation. It doesn't matter that it's interfering with all aspects of my life and well being.