Funeral drama and more wedding stuff!

On Wednesday, we drove over to Kellogg Idaho, to attend Amanda's Aunt Nancy's funeral. It was a Catholic funeral and while I have been to more than my fair share of funerals, I've never experienced a Catholic one. I didn't know what to expect but I wasn't expecting that. While it was a nice service, it was rushed. The Priest apparently knew before hand that not a lot of the attendees were of the Catholic persuasion so he was trying to hurry it along. Somehow, I feel that's cheating Aunt Nancy. She was Catholic, she deserves the kind of service she would have wanted. That was my first annoyance. 

My second was that on the way over, Amanda's Mom, in formed us that her Aunt Sandy had heard that we are getting married. Sandy hates gay people. She won't even acknowledge that her own female-to-male- trans Grandson is, in fact, trans, and in a same sex relationship. Well, she apparently spouted that even if we did invite her, she wouldn't go. Amanda's Aunt Lola said "That's fine Sandy, because you're not invited." Which of course pissed Sandy off because she wasn't going to get the opportunity to snub us. So she took it out on us at the funeral. She sat directly behind us and shot us dirty looks. It was so bad, I could feel it. Then, in the dining hall for luncheon, she hurried over to tell us that she was sitting next to Amanda's parents and that we couldn't sit there, as we were pulling out chairs to sit. Amanda and I simply smiled and told her "Okay". Since by that time there weren't any tables left, we found spare chairs and sat down to eat. I told Amanda that she did that on purpose. Amanda agreed. The church staff saw us sitting in a corner, at the back of the room, and found a table for us and Amanda's autistic cousin Amber- who is a sweet and very innocent girl. 

Well, as we were eating lunch with her cousin, one of Amanda's older, adult cousins was standing behind her and just looking at Amanda like she was the most disgusting thing on the planet. No, I am not exaggerating. This man, last I was told, still will not speak to his gay daughter. It is appalling. To make matters worse, he decided to poke at poor Amber. Her mother and Aunt Nancy didn't get along and so Amber's Mom chose to stay home and baby sit for one of Amber's older siblings. Well Amanda;s older male cousin kept asking her where her mom was. Amber got so upset and told him to stop. I have never seen her so upset. He just laughed and walked away. If I had not been at a funeral, I would have ripped him apart, but I have far too much respect for Nancy and for Amanda's Mother to cause more drama than there already had been with Nancy's kids.

Also, while we were at the funeral, two of Amanda's family member decided to take the opportunity to inform us that they WOULD be at our wedding or tell us "I had BETTER be invited".  Excuse me?! We were at a funeral. It wasn't about us, it was about Aunt Nancy. Furthermore, why the hell would we invite people who never speak to us on a normal day, who we barely know, and wouldn't have anything to do with if they weren't family? Amanda and I think they just want to come as spectators, like we are the freaks in a freak show and they want to spread the sensational event as gossip at drunken family events. No thank you! They can just fuck right on off. We don't want and or need that kind of bullshit at something we hold very scared and personal, nor do we need people snicker or bad mouthing it later on. 

Normally this kind of crap wouldn't bother me so much, but the way in which they did this, and that it was at a funeral, really got to me. By the time we left, I felt very alienated. My depression monster took my hand and led me down a dark spiral. It's bad enough that I am a lesbian and that hurts my Grandma. She doesn't know I am Pagan but if she did, it might just kill her because she is so Christian and is terrified that I won't be with her in Heaven someday. She's said as much when I was younger and she was worried about my parents not going to church. Anyway, so I won't be able to share this with her. The only relatives I will have, will be my parents. My cousin Shi-chan can't make it. But what really got me, is that none of my friends have even bothered to say "congrats". I don't need them to come, I know money is tight for nearly everyone, but if I can remember to get on facebook and tell them happy birthday, wouldn't it stand that a little recognition that I'm getting married be a given? Perhaps not. 

There is one friend from my high school days who has contacted me to tell me that she would love to come to my wedding. At first I was excited at the prospect but realized that I wasn't going to have room for her and I wasn't going to ask my friends here to house her. She's a bit strange and recently judgemental. She used to be pagan but became a born again chrisitan. That didn't really bother me until she started talking shit about gay people and their right to get married. She was very against. So when I asked if that meant that I was a bad person and if she didn't like me anymore, she said, "not you, you;re okay." I about flipped my shit. You don't get to pick and choose which gay people get married and which don't or for that matter which gays are okay and which ones aren't. 

Anyway, I spoke to Amanda about her coming and despite all the anti-gay stuff, the uber christian stuff, I still wanted to see my friend. Amanda and I decided that since we don't really have the room for her for the wedding, she could come for a visit after the wedding and that way we could truly hang out. I mean she's the first friend from back home that has actually wanted to come visit me. But when I told my friend that, she replied with "a visit is different from a wedding. I am okay with crashing on sofas or the floor". Are you fucking kidding me? that sounds like she just wants to come see a freak wedding and not actually spend any real time with me and Amanda at all. I'm trying to look at it as she just worded it wrong. She did say that she would have to talk her her husband about it, but honestly at this point, with everything. No, just no. I don't have time for this. 

But that's the negative stuff. The positive is that our friend Rachel came over last night to begin helping me with my bolero jacket for the wedding. We didn't actually get much done, but we did go and exchange the pattern I had for a bigger one and discuss what I wanted. I also bought some fall hand soap from the fabric store. It was on a 5 for $5 deal and I freaking love that stuff! We took Tsuki along because she needed some fabric quarters and some teal embroidery thread. She also wanted to grab some food. 

The other good and positive wedding thing is that Amanda has started the framework for our handfasting ceremony. I haven't really been in the right mid set to help her much, but I saw what she had this morning and I'm starting to get there. I need to write my vows and see if there is anything else I want, like a poem or a reading of some kind, to be read during the ceremony. I am not sure what I want yet. 

Lastly, I have a picture of one of the invitations I made. They aren't spectacular, but we like them. I blurred out some things in the bottom picture, so I'd maintain a bit more privacy. You understand.  

    

   

Bathroom adventures, blogging is better than homework, and other things.

My star lantern

I am blogging because I'm dreading my lit homework. Its not that its particularly hard, I just don't like it and think a good deal of it is a waste of time and a load of crap. More to the point, it is one of those classes where I feel I could have gotten the jest of the whole class from web article in brief rather than an 8 week course and an instructor who just might be as stressed as I am, if not a little nuts. That said, I don't particularly like the book I have to do my thesis paper on either. 

Still not having an easy time of it here at home but my friend Fiona came up for a few days. She and I got out of the house a couple of times. She's been a bit helpful too since my back has been acting up again and I am really weak from my period. I don't think she quite understands exactly how weak I do get and how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning. This morning was no exception, felt like I fought to stay awake after she first came in to wake us up for a good ten minutes. And then, once I was up, I had a hell of a time trying to get around. Seriously, my back hurt and I was having trouble moving my feet without wanting to vomit and pass out. I still got dressed and I still went with her and Amanda into CDA to take Fiona to St. Vinnie's thrift store so she could look around and meet her mother. Fiona doesn't drive so she Mom brings her into town. Anyway, it was rough but we did stop long enough to have lunch with another friend before coming home. Which was kind of nice. I broke down and took a pain pill, which did help, a little. 

Fiona told me about a place to go in CDA for mental health where I can get in to see a councilor and its on a sliding fee scale. I think that is a good idea and I am at the point where I think I really do need to see a therapist again. But this time I am going to make sure that I see one that doesn't have a problem treating a gay pagan with a debilitating back injury and who won't fat shame me and chalk everything up to my weight. I will impress upon who ever this person is, that I was struggling with depression and anxiety long before I got fat. Of course I will do this politely. There's no reason to upset anyone and I am simply seeking fair care. I've given up on my medical doctor. Its great what she's been able to do thus far, but at this point she can't do any more for me, except prescribe pills that I can't afford. So, I'm not going to see her again unless I am horribly sick.

I've done a little shopping recently and I wouldn't have except that Amanda and I are looking to move out of her parents house soon and there are a few things that we need.  We found some decent cookware, a hand mixer, and a really good blender on clearance at Wal-Mart. We also picked up some silverware, it's not the best or anything fantastic, but it will do us just fine. I was going to make pot holders but ended up getting a few and some kitchen towels along with them. I can make more pot holders later. We got a few towels and wash cloths and I went to the Dollar Tree yesterday and picked up measuring cups, measuring spoons, a pitcher for tea, and a veggie peeler. For some reason, getting that stuff, made me feel better, made me feel like there was some hope. 

Yesterday, while Fiona and I were out, we had to make a run to Wal-Mart for a few things. We were on our way out and I had to use the bathroom. So I told Fiona to meet me at the door while I went. On my way into the bathroom I noticed a football poster on the wall and thought to myself that the employees must really like football. Then I noticed that were were only two stalls. The larger stall had pee all over the floor so I back out of it and used the smaller one. When I was finished and walking out of it, I noticed that there were two urinals and thought that I must have gone into the family bathroom. Only when I was washing my hands did I realize that that no, I wasn't in the family bathroom, I was in the Men's bathroom and hoped that no one came in until I was finished. Well on my way out, a man was walking in and I said, "Yeah, I thought as much." He laughed at me and I hurried along to meet up with Fiona. You know, if we'd just gone to the Wal-Mart I usually go to, this wouldn't have been an issue. But, because we went to another Wal-Mart, I didn't think to check the signs before walking into the bathroom and therefore didn't know that they were in the opposite places from my Wal-Mart. 

Other than that, I haven't really been up to too much. Amanda and I have started planning our wedding/handfasting. That's kind of brought on whole extra round of depression in that I don't know that my family, namely my parents and Cousin Shi-Chan, will be able to come unless we pay for them to come. I talked to my Mom about it tonight and she said she would rather I spent the money on my honeymoon. She doesn't understand that I would be devastated if she and my Dad didn't make it and that my honeymoon would be ruined by it. It really would. I can do a honeymoon with Amanda anytime after we are married. Besides, even as low budget and simple as we are keeping it all, I wasn't planning on doing a honeymoon until later anyway. But that's another matter for another day. Tonight, I have to get some homework done and then get to bed. My back is still hurting and I am exhausted.