|My star lantern|
I am blogging because I'm dreading my lit homework. Its not that its particularly hard, I just don't like it and think a good deal of it is a waste of time and a load of crap. More to the point, it is one of those classes where I feel I could have gotten the jest of the whole class from web article in brief rather than an 8 week course and an instructor who just might be as stressed as I am, if not a little nuts. That said, I don't particularly like the book I have to do my thesis paper on either.
Still not having an easy time of it here at home but my friend Fiona came up for a few days. She and I got out of the house a couple of times. She's been a bit helpful too since my back has been acting up again and I am really weak from my period. I don't think she quite understands exactly how weak I do get and how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning. This morning was no exception, felt like I fought to stay awake after she first came in to wake us up for a good ten minutes. And then, once I was up, I had a hell of a time trying to get around. Seriously, my back hurt and I was having trouble moving my feet without wanting to vomit and pass out. I still got dressed and I still went with her and Amanda into CDA to take Fiona to St. Vinnie's thrift store so she could look around and meet her mother. Fiona doesn't drive so she Mom brings her into town. Anyway, it was rough but we did stop long enough to have lunch with another friend before coming home. Which was kind of nice. I broke down and took a pain pill, which did help, a little.
Fiona told me about a place to go in CDA for mental health where I can get in to see a councilor and its on a sliding fee scale. I think that is a good idea and I am at the point where I think I really do need to see a therapist again. But this time I am going to make sure that I see one that doesn't have a problem treating a gay pagan with a debilitating back injury and who won't fat shame me and chalk everything up to my weight. I will impress upon who ever this person is, that I was struggling with depression and anxiety long before I got fat. Of course I will do this politely. There's no reason to upset anyone and I am simply seeking fair care. I've given up on my medical doctor. Its great what she's been able to do thus far, but at this point she can't do any more for me, except prescribe pills that I can't afford. So, I'm not going to see her again unless I am horribly sick.
I've done a little shopping recently and I wouldn't have except that Amanda and I are looking to move out of her parents house soon and there are a few things that we need. We found some decent cookware, a hand mixer, and a really good blender on clearance at Wal-Mart. We also picked up some silverware, it's not the best or anything fantastic, but it will do us just fine. I was going to make pot holders but ended up getting a few and some kitchen towels along with them. I can make more pot holders later. We got a few towels and wash cloths and I went to the Dollar Tree yesterday and picked up measuring cups, measuring spoons, a pitcher for tea, and a veggie peeler. For some reason, getting that stuff, made me feel better, made me feel like there was some hope.
Yesterday, while Fiona and I were out, we had to make a run to Wal-Mart for a few things. We were on our way out and I had to use the bathroom. So I told Fiona to meet me at the door while I went. On my way into the bathroom I noticed a football poster on the wall and thought to myself that the employees must really like football. Then I noticed that were were only two stalls. The larger stall had pee all over the floor so I back out of it and used the smaller one. When I was finished and walking out of it, I noticed that there were two urinals and thought that I must have gone into the family bathroom. Only when I was washing my hands did I realize that that no, I wasn't in the family bathroom, I was in the Men's bathroom and hoped that no one came in until I was finished. Well on my way out, a man was walking in and I said, "Yeah, I thought as much." He laughed at me and I hurried along to meet up with Fiona. You know, if we'd just gone to the Wal-Mart I usually go to, this wouldn't have been an issue. But, because we went to another Wal-Mart, I didn't think to check the signs before walking into the bathroom and therefore didn't know that they were in the opposite places from my Wal-Mart.
Other than that, I haven't really been up to too much. Amanda and I have started planning our wedding/handfasting. That's kind of brought on whole extra round of depression in that I don't know that my family, namely my parents and Cousin Shi-Chan, will be able to come unless we pay for them to come. I talked to my Mom about it tonight and she said she would rather I spent the money on my honeymoon. She doesn't understand that I would be devastated if she and my Dad didn't make it and that my honeymoon would be ruined by it. It really would. I can do a honeymoon with Amanda anytime after we are married. Besides, even as low budget and simple as we are keeping it all, I wasn't planning on doing a honeymoon until later anyway. But that's another matter for another day. Tonight, I have to get some homework done and then get to bed. My back is still hurting and I am exhausted.