Saturday, November 3, 2012

I can't do this anymore. *edited*

My back is really bad today, bad enough that I thought about having Skoora take me to the hospital, bad enough that I want to puke. But I am not going to the hospital (because hey, I can't afford it anyway) instead I am wrapped in a blanket on the sofa trying to keep from crying. Crying won't do me any good. I don't think I will be cooking today as I'd planned and I don't think I am going to get to my NaNoWriMo goal. In fact, today I feel as if my life is really over, that it won't get better, and that I should just stop exhausting myself by pretending everything is alright and putting on a good face for everyone else. I'm done. I'm not going to talk to any one about it any more and I don't think I need to bother anyone else with it, so no visiting anyone else either. I am so tired of people having to accommodate me because of this bullshit. I can't pull my weight or contribute therefore I am a waste of space and air. I cannot apologize enough to friends and family for all the crap I've made them deal with.


Earlier I was in so much pain I just wanted to die, yes, I said die. I ended up in bed for awhile and Skoora found some medicine for me, the last of it, and I ended up sleeping all evening. That doesn't make me happy, but it was the first sleep I've had that didn't involve a terrible nightmare. That's a really good thing!

I feel much better, still hurt, and I am still depressed, but I'm better now that I can think without overwhelming pain and I don't want to die. The only down side is, I wish I didn't have to take so much medicine, it can't be good for me. I'm kind of worried about the long term effects. 


  1. I'm just so sorry that it hurt so bad that you felt that way honey. I want it to stop hurting and there's only so much that I personally can do - but I will do whatever I can for you. I don't want you to ever feel like a waste of space. If things are bad, then they are bad, but remember that I am here and will do my best to make things better. I love you.

  2. Love you too and thank you so much for being here. I know it's a big drain on you and I am so sorry.