Wednesday, November 14, 2012

No warning title.

I have decided that I really loathe the show chopped on the food channel.  I'm just so sick of watching it, of listening to the judges, and well all of it. And for some reason Skoora's mother just loves all the competition reality TV shows. That aside, I really wish the TV could be turned off once and in a while, for more than two minutes. I mean really, you couldn't find anything on two minutes ago, what's changed now? And for the love of the Gods, watch the TV or shut up! It's hard to handle one conversation while the TV is going much less two. More importantly can't you see that I am trying to do something. Hint, if my fingers are moving over the keys, I'm busy.

Apparently our neighbors, the ones above us, have completely ignored the letter sent out by management about noise after 10 pm. They had people over and have been stomping since 10 pm.

Things have not been going very well for me lately. My back has been really bad the last three weeks and the most comfortable place for me to sit, where I have the least amount of pain, where I can semi have a rational coherent thought is in the living room. The TV, the constant conversations, the noise from upstairs, none of that would bother me so damned much if I wasn't in pain. Also, if I didn't feel utterly overloaded. This is the part that I've been trying really hard to assuage per se.

I used to work (and or go to school), clean, do laundry, cook, run errands (sometimes for multiple people), have a little of a social life, read, and write every day and did so for several years. I was the person people went to when they needed help. I had focus, drive, and even though I suffered from depression and anxiety, I could get up the next day and do it all over again. Dare I say it I had hope as well.

Some things happened over a year ago that really screwed with me mentally and about that time my back got really bad and hasn't gotten better since. Needless to say I fell like both are and have destroyed me. I literally have to give myself a laundry list, one I keep full, to get out of bed in the morning. I cling to the little things I can do, when I am able to do them, just because they make me feel like I have some semblance of purpose.  I am unable to support myself financially, which is difficult enough. Having to have my girlfriend come in to help me take a shower, to help me get dressed, and use the bathroom is devastating and it's taking it's toll especially during NaNoWriMo month.

I have been having so much trouble trying to focus on writing, on writing much of anything really. Even e-mails have been difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day I try to sit down and write, I just don't seem to be able to do much. I am so behind on the word count target it's not even funny. Sure there is time left in the month but I'm scared that I won't make it. Most people would say it's no big deal but to me it really is. I do not have much to be proud of and NaNoWriMo, completing it and being a winner is one of the only things I do have. And I feel like the ability of finishing this year is being stolen from me.

So because I can't really focus on writing and being upset about it, I haven't really done a lot of things that I would like to do which only drives me nuts. I have things that I need to get done, just small things and nothing out of the ordinary. One of my friends said that I should give myself a break. I wish I could but I really can't. I have to do things, I have to keep going, even if like most days, I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not going to school, I am unable to work, if I don't feel like I am contributing in some way, and keeping myself busy so I don't go nuts in the mean time, then the depression is so much worse.

And lastly, I am so lonely. The people I am most comfortable with, aside from Skoora who I feel terrible for venting to a lot, are the furthest away. 

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