While trying to contain and cope with all of that my patience level dropped, my tolerance level dropped, and I've been snappish in situations that I would normally never ever take an issue with. I also haven't handled distraction well or noise I can't control on my own. Over the weekend I've had several more panic attacks. I thought that if I just read one of the books that are close to being due at the library that I would calm the hell down.
It worked for a little bit and I really am enjoying the Vampire Academy novels. The pacing is good, the characters are interesting, and once I pick up a book, I can't really seem to put it down. Shadow Kiss is the 3rd in the Vampire Academy series and it was really good but it made me sob. Something happens to my favorite character. I won't say who or what because I don't dare spoil it for those who haven't read it. Needless to say I've been bothered and upset over it for the last two days. I cant decide if I need to take a break from finishing the rest of the series or run to the library and grab the last three and just read for the next couple of days. An awesome side note, there is going to be a Vampire Academy movie coming out in 2014 and it look really good! Oh and by the way, this story is a hundred times better than Twilight!
Another reason I am wondering if I should take a short break in reading the rest of that series is because I have been writing. As in I have been working on one of my novels again and not just working and tweaking things here and there. I mean actually doing a rewrite, spent most of the day yesterday and got over 10 (single spaced) pages written, kind of writing. I haven't really been able to do that in a long time. It feels so good and I am actually excited with what's coming out on the pages.
There has been some family drama back home. My cousin Tony is as drunk as ever and crashed his bicycle over the weekend. He managed to get one of the handle bars in his lower stomach and had to have surgery. My only hope is that he will finally be put in jail. There is more to all of this, things he's done in the past, he tried to kill both his sisters, and he refuses to quit drinking. His mother couldn't be out done and had to have some attention herself and in doing so humiliated her daughter and physically hurt my father who was trying to get her into her house. It's pretty bad. My Mom is furious. My Dad's back and knees are hurt pretty bad and he was sp pissed he wanted to just slap the shit out of my Aunt. Everyone feels bad for my aunt's daughters who have to live with her at the moment.
I have decided that when I move home Tony, if he isn't in jail, isn't allowed inside my house if he isn't sober and seeking counseling for anger and addition. My aunt is not allowed at my house if she is going to harass me, either of my parents if they are there, or my cousins. I will not put up with her coming over and screaming at people or running them into the ground. I want my home to be a place of calm, of escape, of no violence, verbal, emotional, or mental abuse. If family and friends can't follow those rules, then they aren't welcome.
Another good thing, my Grandma Evelyn sent me a cat toy for my cats. They love it! And you know your Grandma loves you when she sends presents for your cats to cheer you up. I swear, I got so lucky having the Grandparents I have and even the parents I have. Even with all the issues Mom and I had when I was a late teen. And despite all the crap family members I have, I've got some really great ones! That includes friends, after awhile some of my friends have become family too.
If a handlebar in one's stomach isn't a wakeup call, I don't know what is. Tony sounds like a person in dire need of consequences that will maybe turn him around. I applaud your decision to bar him from your household without making changes. There's your consequences right there. My brother who died in 94 was coddled to death by our grandmother in spite of his drinking and drugging. He never had to tolerate consequences and he was never told by anyone that he needed help. Here he was drinking and selling pot all his life [he learnt it from our daddy, who was coddled by our grandmother as well [and who never held a job and supported us kids]]
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're finally able to sit down and accomplish something that's satisfactory to your needs and goals. :)
P.S. My Captcha name is 381 egfuldi. Be sure to post your next captcha code as your 'code name' xD
I don't understand why people don't hold their kids responsible. My cousin's grandma is like that with her grand kids and especially now that my uncle has died, she just wants to keep the peace.
ReplyDeleteAs for Tony, you would have thought the night he was driving drunk, blacked out, and rolled his van and nearly died would have been a wake up call. He will never stop drinking.
I don't know what captcha name is. Did I miss something?
That's the problem with blackout drinkers: they're not conscious enough to see the mayhem they cause. They're blacked out for the whole thing and then usually have the gall to say everyone else is overreacting. Convenient, huh?
ReplyDeletecaptcha is that code thing you have to fill in before you make a post, usually a combination of nonsense words and/or numbers. Before I posted my reply here I had to type 381 egfuldi. xD It's prolly in your settings to require persons making comments to fill out the captcha form to be sure it's not spam or a bot. So I made it the captcha game. :)
That's how I got the name feral cherub for my email addy well-nigh over a decade ago. It was a temporary code on an old AOL disk, lol.
I thought that I had disabled that captcha nonsense. I hate it! I haven't ever has an issue with spam.
DeleteYou know what's funny, I used to have this weird idea that it was fun to hang out with friends in a home setting or go to a bar with them and have a couple of drinks. I saw my parents do it when I was little. I'd see it on tv and so forth. It seemed like a 'normal' adult kind of thing to do. But being around Tony and other alcoholics have really just really ruined it for me. Which is really sad because a lot of the time I am scraping around looking for some sense of what it feels like to be a 'normal' human being. I've had a few time where I've gone drinking with a couple of friends that felt nice. But I don't get drunk, I get tipsy. Also, I don't like to drink because I take pain pills. But there are nights, Christine, there are nights I want to just drink half a bottle of rum and just listen to music or watch movies and let go.
I hear you on the wanting to buy a bottle of booze and drink till I pass out or something. I'm glad to report that I'm feeling much better. Being as thick in the head as I am about some things, I didn't make the connection between how crappy I felt and the fact that I was only taking half the normal dose of anti depressant and only every other day because my supply was getting low. I had my ex refill and sent me my scrips and mail them to me. I still don't feel rosy, but my depression is at least manageable.
DeleteTry not to be so hard on yourself about snapping at people. Constant, severe pain can cause serious irritability and depression. If you can, get ahold of some ace bandages and wrap your legs with them for the splints. I had those pretty bad when I was in my early twenties and teaching aerobic classes at a health club. God I miss that body, lol.
I caved in and watched the rest of the Harry Potters and no bad dreams this time.
I will try not to get too upset with myself but I will probably still feel guilty fr snapping. I just can't help it. I am glad that you got your meds though. Are you going to keep looking for a place down there?
DeleteLOL, I miss the body I had when I was playing soccer but then again that's how I got shin splints and broke down the arches in my feet in the first place. They aren't bothering me at the moment but the next time they do, I'll pack them with ice and ace bandages.
Yay for no more bad dreams!