Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Dump time

Isn't it strange how it seems like a lot has happened only it really hasn't? Or vice versa?

I've not really had a good last couple of weeks health wise and so it has taken it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. Today I broke a little and had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in awhile. I've had one just about every day for the last couple of weeks, sometimes even more than one in a day, but today was by far the most intense. Skoora and her Mom had to help calm me down and I feel so awful that they had to see it. I don't like worrying people. But at the same time I was really glad that they were there. Had I been alone, I don't know how long it would have gone on. I am very exhausted now and could probably use a nap.

Panic and pain aside, I've been trying to make the best of things and try to keep moving. We had Skoora's little cousins over yesterday to watch Monster High and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. We showed the girls our dolls and our ponies and let them play. All three of them really enjoyed their time with us and want to come back, which is really nice because they are so fun.

Yoda-Chan has been rather clingy as of late. He seems to want to be everywhere I am and sometimes he insists on being on my lap or in my arms. I don't think he feels very well and I'm going to have to give him a bath again. He's managed to get his feet yucky again with cat litter. Galen has been a bit clingy too. At least in that he seems to nearly always be in the same room with me and even comes up and asks to be petted.

My Dad and I were talking sometime ago about what game we want to play next since it seems like everyone is moving over to Guild Wars 2 and most of the people in our Alliance don't want to switch anymore than we do. And because less people are playing the first set of Guild Wars games, our Alliance Leader seems to think that after a couple of years, they will shut down the servers. There is talk about us all moving over to Elder Scrolls when it comes out. That sounds like a plan to me. But I have been looking at the NCSoft website the last couple of years, checking out what other games they have, and I saw that Aion is completely free to play. So I downloaded it to try it out. So far, I am a level two mage and like it well enough. I also started a Technist character and a Priest character.

I haven't done a lot of writing. I've had a lot of trouble focusing and have been so depressed. But I can't keep letting the pain, depression, and anxiety get in the way of something that used to make me feel so... so, well, when I would get into the zone, I left me and everything else behind. It felt good. There was always something calming about my fingers taping over the keys and at some point I stopped seeing words on the screen and saw other places. I think, if I had someone to discuss and go over my stuff with it might encourage me to write more often and get me back to where I could just sit down at the computer and go at it. But I've not wanted to bother anyone with it which kind of goes back to one of the reasons I get depressed. The little things and the big things kind pile up and press on me until I can't breathe.

You know, sometimes I just wish I could have a mental or nervous breakdown. Then, maybe I could let go and get everything out of my system and start healing, get back to being the person I used to be. Stronger, more assertive, and less likely to take any shit from anyone.


  1. *hugs* I want you to feel more like yourself. I think after October you will be able to breathe. Right now everything is just getting worse and worse it seems. It will get better though. Just believe that honey.

  2. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your health right now. I wish I knew what would help.

    I used to have panic attacks on a regular basis years ago. The first time I had one I literally thought I was having a heart attack or something. It was frightening. And yes, it's embarrassing and humiliating when it happens around people. When it was over I always felt like a colossal pain between the hip pockets.

    One day I had a panic attack and went through convincing myself that I wasn't dying: My body telling me fight or flight, my emotions telling me I'm dying and my mind telling me that I wasn't dying. In the midst of my panic I got angry and fed up and said, "Fuck it! I'm just going to lay here and die then!" I didn't of course, and for some reason that did the trick. I never had a panic attack after that.

    I hope something happens for you that will get you past your panic cycles. They're awful. :(

    1. It's okay, Christine, I don't think there is really anything anyone CAN do to help me except to in being as supportive as they can be.

      I don't feel like I am dying necessarily when I panic. It is more like I am spinning out of control, can't breathe, and can't stop crying. the really bad ones make me feel like I can't sit still. I'm constantly moving, grabbing hold of things, scratching, and pushing them away. Sometimes I've scratched myself, hit myself, but never anything or anyone else.

      What pisses me off is that if I am broken and weak enough to have these attacks then why can't I just break completely so I can start healing? I get so angry that something inside of me just can't quite let go and finish the break, that something is still hanging on and I just want to strangle it. I feel like I am never going to be over these episodes until that happens. I don't even know if any of that makes sense.