Wednesday, March 30, 2016

If I was a Jedi, I might just turn Sith for one person.

Remember how I said I didn't think I had it in me to hate someone? Today, I am not so sure that is true. I would like to think that I am a better human being than that. I would like to think that I didn't care enough anymore to feel anything about my Aunt Laura. I've completely cut her off. I refuse to speak to her. When I went to help and visit my parents, I hid from her because I did not want to deal with let alone see her. And yet, she's managed to seriously hurt me from afar once again, and this time I'm taking it so badly, I've been asking the Gods and universe why the hell it can't do us all a karmic solid and end her. She's screaming that she's dying, well, she's been saying so off and on for years, so why isn't she dead yet?! 

This morning I called my Mom to talk and was mildly fussing about nothing too important and she suddenly interrupted. She told me she couldn't handle any drama anymore. She didn't want to hear about anything going on with my friends anymore and only about stuff going on with me and Amanda because we are what is important. She told me that she's basically so emotionally spent that every time my Aunt's number pops up on caller id, she goes into a full panic attack. If my aunt tries to come over now, my Mom hides in the bathroom. My Dad is apparently starting to have nightmares because of my Aunt. My Aunt will not stop hounding and badgering and bitching and screaming and running people into the ground if she doesn't get what she wants, when she wants. On top of all of that she's seems to think my Mom is a fucking parts and organ dispensary and back on the "I need new kidneys" crap. 

I could go on and on about my aunt, certainly all of my friends have heard me bitch about her at least three times, but I can't even put into words how truly abusive, awful, spiteful, and vicious my Aunt is.  I have watched and listened to her scream all day at someone and you can't just run away, because she follows. You can't put her in her place because she will take it out on everyone you care about. 

So what does this mean for me? This means that my parents can no longer be a sounding board, a safety zone, or even a comfort zone where I can vent my frustrations and talk trough or about anything with them and get it out and get my head wrapped around it. I can't ask for their advice anymore. I'm actually afraid to call my parents now because I am worried that anything I say will make things worse or stress them out and they already have so much on their plates and both suffer from severe depression. So, in a way, if feels like I am being shut out of my own home and that's not something I ever thought I would feel. Perhaps that's a bit too dramatic, but its what it feels like right now. 

I wish my parents would just leave everything behind and move up here. My Dad would have a wider job market to search and apply. They could have health insurance. They could live with me until they are back on their feet, Amanda doesn't even mind, she wants them to come up so badly too. But my Dad doesn't want to leave Grandma and Grandpa. I get it. He wants to be there for them. They are 88 years old and won't be in the world forever and he wants to spend as much time as he can with them. I can't and really won't argue with that. Except to say, the offer is always on the table and when Grandma and Grandpa are gone, I will drag them up here kicking and screaming if I have too.     

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