Saturday, May 20, 2017

Therapist, doctor, and The Goblin

Just to see if it worked, I added the Dramafever channel on my Roku and then perused the selection. When I stumbled on Goblin the lonely and Great God, I thought it looked really cute and decided it would be the show I tested to see if I could watch. Yep, I can watch stuff from Dramafever for free but it has a lot of repetitive and obnoxious commercials. The show is really cute by the way and if you like Korean Dramas or want to try one out, I think this one is going to be a good choice. 

Moving on. I went to my doctor's appointment this week. The verdict is that we are going to try me on another antidepressant medication and if I do well with it, she is going to put me on a weight loss medication in a month to get the ball rolling. I am able to begin exorcising but it has to be low impact and nothing that's going to work my core too much, but only for a little while longer. My doctor just wants to make sure everything is nice and healed up and that I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back. When we were talking about my depression she mentioned that she thinks I have some PTSD from the whole mess with my cancer scare and the crap I went through with the gyno and getting the surgery. I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all of that and now I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the notion of my having PTSD. 

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about it. She also thinks I have PTSD and not just from that but from a few other things. But I didn't that was possible. PTSD is for people who have been attacked or abused and most certainly for combat veterans. My therapist said yes to all of that but it's like there are certain type or varying degrees of PTSD. I talked to my Dad about it and he is of the impression that to say I have PTSD cheapens what happens to people like combat verterans- which was kind of how I felt in a way. He said that yes, I had had some trauma but it wasn't anything like what veterans have experienced. But on the other hand I am struggling what that too. It;s hard to explain. I'm not playing a victim card because I don't do that, I think I am too self depreciating to have that sort of thinking. However, in a lot of ways, I feel as if what I experienced and dealt with was just dismissed as nothing. And THAT is something that I am really having a problem with. That is something that I can't just keep sucking it up and getting on with my life about. I've been doing that for too long and its not okay. 

One of the assignments I had this week from my therapist was to write down what my depression monster says. So I did and these are the things I think whether I want to or not and more than that, these are things that get reinforced a good deal of the time, sometimes every day. 

You are worthless- the proof is in everything.
You have no right to complain and even if you did, no one really cares.
People like Amanda more than you, you know it in how they look at you and react.
People have already written you off.
You have no value. (this is even more so since you had to get a hysterectomy)
You will never be anything.   
You can work as hard as you want to lose weight, health mentally and emotionally, and even physically but it's not going to matter. 
You will never have control of anything in your life every again.
You are alone because no one will ever choose you and it doesn't matter how willing you are to jump up and help someone else. 
Why try to come out of your shell, no one will like the real you anyway. 

The most frustrating thing is that I know at least some of this isn't true but these thoughts run through my head all the time. I can't stop them and no matter how much I try to reason with myself that its just the depression, its really hard to shake this shit. 

Anyway, yeah, I'm having trouble a lot of this stuff but I am hoping the change in meds will help take the edge off so I can start getting back on my feet a little. 

Other than that, I have been down the last two days with a migraine. I ended up taking some meds and sleeping a little yesterday but then Amanda and I stayed up all night watching a scary movie. It was actually a little freaky so we had to watch something light so we could go to bed but ended up watching several episodes of something and then I had to take her to work. Oops!


  1. I think PTSD should depend upon symptoms experienced, not the event that caused it. I have PTSD but I certainly didn't cheapen veterans by having it. My whole family life was a battle field and there were times as a child when I believed my life was at risk at the hands of those who should protect me. Just my opinion.

    It's so hard to ignore the lying voices of depression. They persist and persist. But it's not me persisting, it's the depression. It will tire you out and make you feel robbed of happiness and vitality.

  2. I was talking to a friend about PTSD and she said that a suffering shouldn't be a competition and I agree with that. The element of competition has been so prevalent in my life and I'm a freaking only child! Well, not technically, but my siblings didn't make it (I don't know if that is a blessing or not. I think I would have liked having an older sister and younger brother). That aside, the competition of who hurts worse is one of those that drives me crazy because when you start getting into that, it negates the validity of what other people are experiencing.

    It is hard to ignore the depression monster's voice. It does persist and every time I think I have it under control, something flares up to smack me in the face. It is truly a life long struggle.

  3. I didn't know you lost siblings! I'm so sorry! :(

    1. My Mom miscarried with both of them, my older sister and my younger brother. She had PCOS too and that makes pregnancy really difficult. I was a month early, but happy coincidence, I was born the same day as my Great Grandpa Early. So, there was that at least.