Wednesday, May 17, 2017

1st dumb thing my therapist has said and what's been going on lately

Apparently I am really drawn to my moon sign's element of fire lately. I keep gravitating to art and such with fire. It's weird, I usually go for water, the element of my sun sign. But, I'm not going to argue. Maybe it's part of the who Rune draw I did at Ostara. I drew Kenaz. A description of it is in the picture below. 

I would go into more explanation of this and why it actually means a great deal to me for this year, but I am bit exhausted. I've actually been internally at war with my depression monster and its getting worse. To be honest, I hate myself because I am so depressed most of the time that I can't stand to breathe. I'm either angry, apathetic, manic, or so depressed I just want to scream, cry, or break things. I don't tell anyone how bad it really is because no one can actually handle it or they just don't care. I pretty much try to stuff it all down so I can be as calm as possible, but it's so exhausting. There have been some new problems that have arisen for me personally that have made me feel even more defective and worthless. I actually was so upset and angry the other day I beat the shit out of my legs and then grew more furious because I didn't even get the satisfaction of having bruises. I couldn't even leave proof of my own anger somewhere. And then that made me angry because I swore to myself that I wouldn't get this bad again.

So I took most of these feelings and thoughts to my therapist the other day. She asked me about a coupe of things and then said the 1st dumb thing I have ever heard her say. She basically said that I made myself fat to become undesirable to push people away so they couldn't hurt me. What?! No, I got fucking fat because my damned hormones were out of wack and sometimes I eat my feelings. I never wanted to be undesirable. I never wanted this. Sure, I want people to leave me alone so I can write, but I want friends and family around. I want to go out and have fun. 

And with everything going on my Mom told me yesterday that she has a black spot in her mouth and she said without saying that she's afraid that it's cancer. It's possible. She's been a smoker since before I was born and at one time she smoked a pack and and half a day. 


  1. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are NOT Alone! I haven't said much to people but the depression has been crushing and unbearable. I stuff the suicidal ideations into a place where I can manage it later. God I don't want to go to the hospital!
    I wonder if it's something in the air because the level of self loathing I've had lately reminds me of that black gooey stuff from FMA Conquerer of Shamballa. I feel suffocated by it.

    Sometimes I forget to breathe.

    *Hugs* You are not alone.

    (P.S Rolls eyes at that old Chestnut your therapist pulled out. How...inane. :-p )

  2. *hugs* You're not alone either. Maybe its a change in season that's getting to everyone. Some people are upbeat and some people I know are not.

    I don't want to go to the hospital either. My therapist and my doctor said something interesting which I am struggling to wrap my head around.