The lists, the cats, a tattoo idea, and eclipse.

My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster. 

Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching.  I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house.  Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on. 

But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me. 

On to happier things.

I have a lot to do today. 

1. I have a few errands to run.

2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work. 

3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).

4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.

5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out. 

6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.

I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet. 

This week's list is:

1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.

2. Clean the bathroom

3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.

4. Keep editing stories.

5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes. 

Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what. 

Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way. 

Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too. 

It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.

Good night my sweet Prince.

Yoda sleeping in my Roy Mustang blanket

Today, I finally had to do it. I had to take my furry baby to the vet to be put to sleep. He was just so miserable. While he was eating a little, he wasn't able to get around much at all anymore. 

I already miss him so much and I'm a little scared for Galen. He didn't do so well when Yoda was at the vet for a few days, I don't know how he will do with Yoda being gone now. 

I wish my Mom were here. I wish I could fly her up, but neither of us could afford it and I wish Skoora were here too.

He isn't miserable anymore. He's at peace and I hope he found his buddy, Ludwig and that they are playing together. I hope they are both with Pandy and Ceaser too. 

Receipt with scribbles

Charm of Magic by Anndr

Just because, I am going to try a little something different and center everything.

I'm in the library again and I keep looking up to stare at the books in the young adult section. I want to go look at them but I a restraining myself. I have so many books to read at home (they vary across subjects) and I just got into two series' from Jeaniene Frost. I also have two text books to read now. Thankfully, I've managed to read the assigned reading for this week in both of my classes and now have the rest of week to work on the revision of my short story.

Speaking of that, the two guys in my group are amazing! Both are enthusiastic and helpful and both of their short stories are really fucking cool! I am so glad that I not only get to read them but help workshop their stories with them, the bounce ideas back and forth. It feels good. I haven't heard anything from the two other girls in the class. I read their stories and sent them my critiques but neither of them have said anything to the guys or me. So either they are waiting to the last minute, are very busy, or are getting ready to drop the class. All of which are fine, but at the same time, I am supposed to turn in peer reviews this week and I don't really have anything to review. I certainly don't want to give them a bad review. I want to be fair. 

With all of the reading both for pleasure and for school, I've been scribbling words I either want to remember or look up on the back of a library check out receipt. Most of the words I already know the meanings of, but I had forgotten about them. But even better there are little phrases that I found appealing or felt like I needed reminders of how people touch or their mannerisms, all things that could bring characters to life and give them depth. Or even little things about settings.  I tried to take a picture of the receipt but it came out fuzzy so I won't be posting it.  You didn't want to see my hastily written scribbles anyway. 

Apart from school work, I have manged to edit the pictures from Beltane, but of course I left my camera at home with the memory card in it so I can't post them at the moment. I wanted to make a separate blog about Beltane anyway. We had such a great time at Beltane that we are going to the Summer Solstice: Frolicking with the Fairies cap out in June. It's at a park not far from us over in Washington State. I will post more on that later as well. 

For now, at the moment, I think I might pack up and go home. I am feeling a bit sick, feverish and achy all over and it is not the usual fibromyaliga pain. My throat is a bit sore as well and there that awful pressure in my head. Despite Skoora's Mom's warring that she would kill me if I bought any more tea (I am sort of a half restrained compulsive tea buyer), I bought three boxes and Mint Magic sounds really good about now. Oh, and I also have some new music to listen to, some from Lisa Thiel and some from Ominia. Wow, I just remembered Mother's day is this week! I need to make something for my Mom and something for my Grandma! Skoora's Mom I have covered, I'm making her my chicken enchiladas. 

Oh one last thing before I go. We've had a couple of deaths in our family this week. My Mother's foster father passed. He was 95 and had Alzheimer's. His wife passed some time last year and for once I'm actually not sad about someone passing. He had a long life with love, did so many wonderful things for people and while I didn't know him very well (he and his wife kind of hurt my Mom, she forgave them sort of), I feel as though he must have been tired and ready to go. Where ever he is, he is with his wife and in a place of love and comfort. 

On the same day I got the call about my Foster Grandfather, Skoora's Mom got a call from her sister Lola saying that their sister Marty had lost her son very unexpectedly. Aunt Marty has a bad heart and has been diagnosed with sudden death syndrome, meaning she could go anytime. Aside from that she just lost her son and is hurting so bad, as expected. I feel for her and I am really worried that we're going to lose her too and at the same time I wonder if that wouldn't be for the best, if only so she won't be in pain anymore. I don't know, things happen as they happen and there's not much you can do but make food and lend sympathetic time, understanding, and comfort. 

Egh, I didn't want to leave off with such depressing news. So how about this, yesterday, while doing my homework, I had Yoda and Ellie on the bed with me. Both kitties were taking their daily afternoon nap and Ellie started snoring. She is a Persian and has a flat face and with that she also seems to have some allergy issues. Well, let's just say, I never thought anything so small could snore louder than Skoora, my sleepy foghorn!   

Almost hugging the computer vents...

Today I am so cold! It's 25 degrees F outside and I'm sure not much warmer in my house. My girlfriend's parent's like to keep the place near frigid. I've got a blanket and a coat on and the chill is creeping through and digging it's claws into me. Of course it might have something to do with the fact that I took a shower today and haven't been able to get warmed up from that. And it won't help when we take one of my girlfriend's little cousin's to the lake to walk on the boardwalk and see the Christmas lights in a bit. Since we've had company all weekend I haven't done my homework but I will get to it tomorrow.

Also, I went from a place that had lots of wind to a place that's suffering air stagnation. WTH?!

I've been watching movie trailers today, just to see what's going to be coming out and what has come out that I need to look for in the video stores- it looks like we are going to have to get netflix again. Deciding to be annoying, I spammed my facebook page with trailers of the ones I want to see. I figure if people can spam me with endless liberal propaganda, then I can post movie trailers. I am thinking of spamming them with some classic rock like Bad Company, Kansas, and Blue Oyster Cult. For some reason, I'm just in a classic rock mood. I think that may be because I'm missing my cousin Sheena so much. Everything would be better if she could be here to hang out with.

Yesterday I learned that my Grandma Summers died via text message from my Dad. She was technically my Foster Grandmother. She was my Mom's foster mother to be even clearer. I wasn't very close to her, she said some things that really upset my mom when my little brother died so Mom didn't really let me go over and see her and Grandpa. It's just as well, one of my mom's foster sisters is a total bitch and looks down on all the foster kids Grandma Summer's took in. Personally I think she's just pissed because her name is Petra.