2 hours, tears, frustration

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I was so tried and never really felt like I woke up. Thank's fibro fog, you're just a gem. Anyway, I decided to back away from the computer and scrap doing anything productive, to sit on the sofa and watch something on Netflix. Somewhere along the way I picked up my current embroidery project. soon enough Amanda came home, we ordered pizza, kept watching the show I was watching, and soon enough it was a raining. Then my cousin Shi-Chan, She's the girl on the left in the photo above (which was taken last time I visited my family), called. We haven't talked in a while. Neither of us like being on the phone for too long. We both have anxiety about it, but somehow, we stayed on the phone with each other for 2 hours. OMG I miss her so fucking much. We're 7 months apart in age and are pretty close. I wish she and her boyfriend lived up here. 

After talking to her, I told Amanda I wanted to finish a section of my embroidery project and then I would go to bed. She needed to go sooner and wanted me to go with her. I decided to take it with me. During the usual getting ready for bed routine, I got upset about a lot of things, and ended up crying. Amanda and I were talking about said things and then I got sick. Exhausted, I went with Amanda to bed. Of course, I couldn't get comfortable in bed and couldn't sleep, but I don't really remember going to the sofa and I only vaguely remember Amanda giving me a cup of coffee and saying something about keys and her going to be late to work. 

When I finally did wake up this morning, it was a little after 9 am. I called my Grandma, because I haven't talked with her for a while. It was a good call. She sounds pretty good considering. Since then I've made myself breakfast, cleaned some in the bathroom, and sat down to embroider some more. It's been very calm and quite, relaxing. And then I went to get the mail, stepped wrong somehow, and hurt my knee. I'm so mad! I'm supposed to be walking five minutes a day and I can't even walk two minutes to get the damn mail without hurting myself. I've had it. I'm done. I can't freaking win. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Yay! 

The good news is that when the neighbor kids came over to start banging on my patio door and screech at the cats, they saw me and backed away. They haven't been back, thankfully. So, I've had the curtains open and have been able to look outside and see the flowers and herbs.     

New family addition, Yule, compliments are scary, and snow.

Meet Thorin Oakenshield. He is a 4 month old orange tabby we adopted from Partners For Pets and it seems he was runt of the litter. We don't mind, he's wonderful. He is also very soft, sweet, and cuddly and I love his coloring.  Our friend Chris, who volunteers at the rescue, helped us with his adoption fee as part of our Yule/Christmas present. It is always a little difficult going into the shelter because there are so many great kitties there that I just want to wrap up in a blanket and bring home. However, I do love that this place is a true no kill shelter. In fact they have a cat or two that they've taken off the adoption roster for whatever reason, and those kitties will live out the rest of their lives at the shelter. 

Excuse my sans-makeup appearance. Thorin is quite the little boob man/ shoulder kitty. He loves to curl up in your face. However, he is afraid of my sewing machine. Poor thing trembles when its going. He will get used to it, or I will put him in a safe place with his blanket and toys when I need to use it again. 

It is snowing here again today and I love it. 

We had a really awesome Yule. Amanda and I went to our friends J and L's house where it was packed full of new and familiar faces. It was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in awhile and make new friends. But it was so crowded in the house that I spent most of my time outside by the fire pits. There were two under the pavilion/ tent J had erected. Our friend Dani did the welcoming the baby sun ritual she'd done the year before. I love that ritual! Technology crapped out on her a little bit, but it was still great. Later we had Sumble and honored the Gods, Ancestors, and Folk. That was amazing! J's altar for the Gods was simply beautiful! I will talk a little more about me experience there over on my pagan blog. Anyway, there was delicious home brewed beer and mead, plenty of food, and such pleasant and fun fellowship. But it was fucking cold! Like I said, we spent most of the night outside and despite having a little bit of shelter and two fires, and me wearing two hoodies and a reindeer hide, I was still freezing. But, we made it the whole night, watched the sun rise, and made it home safely. It did take me over an hour to warm up, but it was worth it!

Compliments are really hard for me. They always have been and I'm awkward in receiving them, but also, while I know they are genuine from others, they feel not... right somehow. I expressed as much to Amanda, asking her to deliver some Yule gifts to J, L, Dani, and her husband. She apparently told Dani's husband that I have a hard time accepting compliments and that she is trying to help me with that, so of course I got a little confronted, hugged, and told how great my presents were. I haven't finished everyone who is on my list's gift, but I will share the four I had finished that night. Each one had some homemade soap I'd made earlier in the year. All of the bags are hand embroidered and sewn by me. By the by, knot work is a pain in the ass to do. 

Umbreon for L, because she had a kick ass sexy cosplay as Umbreon and likes anime and Pokemon Go.

Vegvisir for J because he travels a lot and is a leader of his and Dani's husbands Kindred. 

Hugin and Munin for Dani's husband because I know he has some deep conversations and he does a lot on Heathen forums. 

An owl for Dani because I know she likes them, I heard about an experience from a festival she went to, and I think I remembered someone saying that it is her spirit animal. None of the bags are the same size because I haven't decided on a size that I like and some came out smaller than I wanted. It was an experiment and I am learning from it, so that's a bonus for me. Anyway, I have several more to make and am running out of time. Some gifts may have to be sent out or delivered late this year. I miscalculated on how long things would take despite starting at Thanksgiving. 

I'm starting to lose my focus, so I will end here for today. Suffice it to say we have been busy, Amanda's set the kitchen on fire as true to the nick name my Dad gave her, "sparky". We still find the stray piece of glass from the dish that exploded- she forgot to turn off a burner and set a dish of Baklava on it- now and then, despite being really careful to get it all cleaned up. My endless period is also very bad today and I am having trouble staying awake.  Tsuki is also here, so I need to get off my computer. 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Yule and if I don't post again before Christmas, have a happy one! 

Inspiration at the most inconvenient time, creating a new schedule, creating a space, dreams

art by Yuehui Tang

Here we are again, back to the sleepless night. This time, at least, it was because my brain took a flying leap down a rabbit hole. It began with the thought of how cold I was and that I really should get my ass in gear and make that Halloween/Gothic quilt I've been meaning to make. From there I pondered if I wanted to do some embroidery, and then I got to thinking about Christmas/ Yule presents I need to get started on. Of course from there I had to text myself from Amanda's phone some ideas which in turn made think of the embroidery patterns I have and that I should resize them and e-mail them to myself so I can print them out at the library tomorrow. And I also remembered that I need to resize a free envelope template I found earlier tonight. Then it was back to me being cold, not really tired, and that I should just get up for a little bit, get this stuff done, and then try to sleep again.  My brain seems to be the most active between 11 and 2 am when it comes to anything creative. Which has to be a left over habit from when I used to do the most writing during this time of night. I did that for years. 

I've decided, after all the depression crap last week, that I need to create and establish a new schedule. If I don't do it tonight, I will be doing it tomorrow. I've also decided that while I do like google calendar and will probably still use it, I really do prefer to have a planner. I love the planner I have purchased the last two years, but I really want something more personalized this year. My aim this year is to buy a fairly cheap one from wal-mart, nothing spectacular, and get some sticker paper, and print out planner stuff from online. Making some stickers of my own might be kind of fun too and would force me to dig out my digital art tablet.   

All of this being said, there's a been a bit of unrest for me within my house. I haven't quite found a space that feels right to do a lot of work. The kitchen table is nice but I can't really work on stuff there all the time. My desk is wonderful, but the bedroom is a disaster and lately Narcisa enjoys walking across or standing right on my keyboard. On top of that, I don't really have a spot to put up my writing manifestation board. I will figure it out, the important thing for me is to get off the sofa and into my desk chair if only because I tend to sit up straight more frequently and for longer periods of time. I also get up more and that will help with keeping my circulation moving.

Lastly, a couple of nights ago, I had a really interesting dream. I don't remember what I was doing, only that I told someone in my dream that I needed to get my camera, and get outside to try and get pictures of the supermoon. When I went out, there was a fully bloomed rose in the moon, much like that house is in the moon in the pictures above. It was interesting. I can't remember if I got pictures or not or what happened after. But I looked up the meanings on dream dictionary app on chrome. Together you can't really look up the meaning, but if you break it down, into rose and moon, then you get this:

Rose

The rose in dreams carries with it a great deal of symbolism. It suggests Perfection and Passion, Life and Death, Time and Eternity. It also represents the heart, the centre of life and as a psychological symbol symbolizes perfection. It contains within it the mystery of life and its grace and happiness.

 Moon

The moon represents the feminine and the spiritual self. How the moon appears to you in your dream suggests how close or distant you are from your inner feelings. For example, seeing a full moon means that you are closely in touch with your instincts and inner emotions.

In my case, lately I have thought a lot about life and death, not just for myself, but for family. I've thought about time, losing time or wasting it, and in so far as passion and perfection, I would say that I have spent sometime worrying over my passion for writing, and my constant need/desire/obsession to improve, to make it perfect, and so on. Where the moon comes in to play, I've been working on a spiritual aspect of my life. that I saw a full moon and have now learned what that means, soothes a great upset I've had for a long time. Some shit went down and for awhile someone made me distrust my own instincts and since then I have been trying to let that go, to move on and learn to trust them again and connect and deal with emotions and hurts I have buried for a long time. 

The craft bug is starting to take hold

There is some bug or another going around. One of Skoora's co-workers has been out sick for two weeks, (which anywhere else said co-worker would have already been fired). But it's not just her, another of Skoora's co-workers is sick as well and it seems that Skoora could very well have caught it too. Not cool! Not only do I not want to get sick but the two ladies who can cover for Skoora if she does fall ill pretty much bitch about having to do so, never mind that she covers for them all the time. For now, she's moping on the sofa with a cup of tea.

sweetheart neckline

I spent several days off and on in past weeks very lethargic and unable to focus on much of anything for very long. Most of that has to do with the chronic pain I deal with everyday and the rest is just from being human I suppose. Anyway, I happened across Aunt Martha's Hot Iron Transfers and Skoora bought me the one shown above. I foresee a couple of embroidery projects coming in the near future, probably birthday presents. Which reminds me that I have blue skirt I need to finish the embroidery on. I also have a afghan I need to work on along with a couple of new crochet patterns to learn but I suspect that will take some time.

Not too long ago I became frustrated and said "fuck it, I'm just going to make some clothes that actually fit right". Of course I have to learn how to expand patterns and I have a few that I bought in the largest size when Joann crafts had a five patterns for five dollars kind of deal. My first project will be a halter top since Skoora thinks I look good in them and I really like the sweetheart neckline. I'm pear shaped, small shoulders and wide-ass hips, and well you know a ginormous badunkadunk doesn't help. Thank you Great Grandma Ester, your genetics have made clothes shopping really crappy since I was 13.

Today I had a coupon for Joann's crafts and decided that I needed to try and get out of the house for a little bit despite how much my back was hurting. For the last couple of days every time I turn around literally and figuratively, I've managed to hurt my back, something shifts, something snaps, it's really hard to describe, and for the instant it happens I'm flooded with pain and want to cry and vomit, and when the pain subsides a little I just feel exhausted. So, in effort to keep me from wallowing in bed all day, I forced myself out and used the coupon on a pad of scrap booking paper. I was able to get two yards of material for another shirt as well since fabric was 40% off but that's for another time. I really like this pad of paper, it's my favorite color, green, and I think I am really going to enjoy making cards and other little things with it. 

Forcing myself to write something

Today did not go as I wanted but then it rarely does. We did have a good time with Skoora's Aunt. We went to Burger King for a small lunch after which we all headed to the park to walk around. My back didn't really appreciate it but I pretty much told it to shove it.

We took her aunt home after awhile then headed up to the library because I had some books there on hold to pick up. While there I ended up picking up more books than I had intended as well as some DVDs. Kind of hoping I can get all the movies and books read in the last part of the week because I think, aside from a few blog posts, I am going to take a small break from writing, just long enough to immerse myself in some reading.

Of the books I picked up today:

Fullmetal Alchemist V1- the Manga
Rurouni Kenshin V1, V2, & V3- Manga
The Art of Fullmetal Alchemist The Anime
Halloween From Pagan Ritual to Party Night
Halloween: Customs, Spells, and Rituals by Silver Raven Wolf.

Of the Movies:
The Artist
Coraline
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Slumdog Millionare (Which I have seen but loved and wanted to see again)
Secrets of the Dead: Witch Curse

Haven't heard anything from the doctor about my MRI and I guess I am supposed to call them tomorrow if I don't. But I did ask for a copy of the report to be sent to me. So, maybe one way or the other, I will have some news tomorrow and won't have to fight that damned phone VRU.

Well, time for a movie because I am getting tired and really don't want to think very much. Kind of in the mood to get lost in something.