After yesterday, this is what I know.

Yesterday I was on and off the phone from 8 am to 3 pm. Nerve wracking doesn't even begin to cover it and I was so very relieved when I was finished and could retreat to my corner of the sofa and just breathe.

On the doctor front. The doctor my insurance assigned me didn't actually take my insurance any more. So I called my insurance to see where to go from there. The woman I spoke with was not only nice, but she went down a long list of providers for me and called them herself instead of just throwing a bunch of names and numbers at me. There were several that did take my insurance but they didn't have any openings until November or even January. But, luckily we found a doctor who not only took my insurance and had openings as soon as today, but I know her. She's Amanda's doctor. I had completely forgotten about her as a possibility. 

I saw her today. My blood pressure was really high- go figure. She wanted to talk about nutrition, because I'm fat, but she didn't fat shame me in the least. Instead she asked me what I ate yesterday and when I told her, her eyebrows went up. She said I wasn't eating enough to function and while I was eating mostly good stuff, it just wasn't enough. But since the hysterectomy, I'm not as hungry any more. I have always been a grazer during the day anyway, with a decent meal for dinner. Meh. She also wants me drinking 200 oz of water a day. Uh huh, we'll see about that, I get over 84 oz and I start feeling like I want to puke. And she wants me to take more Vitamin D and C and cut the melatonin down when I do take it. I forgot to talk to her about my thyroid. 

Back to yesterday's calls. 

I remembered that I needed to talk to the student loan people. So I called them and got put on an income based payment plan. I jut had to print, fill out, and sign some paperwork and I need to mail it off today. 

I also did my food stamp review, spent forever on the phone only to have some guy tell me I had to do it online. Then I filled out the HEM review paperwork- have to mail that off today too. And I left a message for my case manager at DSHS. She was out sick, apparently, some guy called me back to tell me, basically nothing helpful. 

I tried to call Rachel's landlord. He picked up but didn't say anything. Since he didn't say anything and there was a lot of noise I'm assuming he thought he had silenced his phone? I don't know. I am going to try calling him on Amanda's phone or make her call him. 

I made an appointment for the car to get looked at and fixed. I took it into the shop today.

I also called our apartment complex's office and left a message (because they never pick up the phone, ever), to ask exactly what it was they need about Amanda's 401k. I told them we were getting married next month and that they can talk to me since she's at work all the time and can't get into deal with them. I also asked them if there was anything else whatsoever that they needed. 

Well, apparently, Amanda called the on her break or lunch break because they called her again. They told her that we missed our lease signing appointment. WHAT APPOINTMENT?! Oh hell no! We never had a fucking appointment. The last meeting I had with the office, the woman I dealt with told me they would be signing leases on the WEEK of the 18th. They never gave us a time or day. I even wrote it in my planner, right in front of her. She told me they would work with Amanda's work schedule. Then on top of that, when I went out for a cigarette break last week (because yes, I broke down while stressed to smoke a little), I noticed that everyone else's doors had a notice on them but ours did not. So, I got up close enough to read the one on my neighbor's door. It was talking about lease signing. Nervous, I started to wonder why we didn't get one. I thought, on the upside, that it was because they had already told us when the lease signings were, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to get a little paranoid and worried. Why did everyone else get a reminder notice but we didn't? I mean everyone, I checked.

So that bull shit aside, Amanda got an appointment time with them this weekend wherein she will give them whatever it is they need. But I am pretty sure that they really are trying to find a way to kick us out. I'm pretty sure they are going to say her 401k is income and that will put us over the limit. 

That being said, I also spent some time calling mortgage lenders. I did get to talk with one and gave him some information. He had to pull our credit but sent an e-mil back to me today saying that we'll have to do this using Amanda's credit, mind isn't high enough, but it looks good. The next step is to get approved for a loan. So we now have the ball in the beginning stages of rolling as far as buying a house goes. I just have to e-mail him back, but I thought I would wait until Amanda got home so we could talk in person, instead of via her work e-mail.  

Apart from that, I need to get legal sized envelopes so I can mail my student loan stuff and we are having dinner at Rachel's tonight. But I think we are cooking? I'm not sure what's going on with dinner. I need to make bread though. The sourdough and pumpkin. I don't really feel up to it today. Oh, laundry. I need to do that. 

I suppose I should go find something to eat, since I've only had a small salad, three cups of coffee, and a cup of lemon ginger tea today. Cheese quesadilla, that sounds nice and won't make much of a mess.   

2 hours, tears, frustration

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I was so tried and never really felt like I woke up. Thank's fibro fog, you're just a gem. Anyway, I decided to back away from the computer and scrap doing anything productive, to sit on the sofa and watch something on Netflix. Somewhere along the way I picked up my current embroidery project. soon enough Amanda came home, we ordered pizza, kept watching the show I was watching, and soon enough it was a raining. Then my cousin Shi-Chan, She's the girl on the left in the photo above (which was taken last time I visited my family), called. We haven't talked in a while. Neither of us like being on the phone for too long. We both have anxiety about it, but somehow, we stayed on the phone with each other for 2 hours. OMG I miss her so fucking much. We're 7 months apart in age and are pretty close. I wish she and her boyfriend lived up here. 

After talking to her, I told Amanda I wanted to finish a section of my embroidery project and then I would go to bed. She needed to go sooner and wanted me to go with her. I decided to take it with me. During the usual getting ready for bed routine, I got upset about a lot of things, and ended up crying. Amanda and I were talking about said things and then I got sick. Exhausted, I went with Amanda to bed. Of course, I couldn't get comfortable in bed and couldn't sleep, but I don't really remember going to the sofa and I only vaguely remember Amanda giving me a cup of coffee and saying something about keys and her going to be late to work. 

When I finally did wake up this morning, it was a little after 9 am. I called my Grandma, because I haven't talked with her for a while. It was a good call. She sounds pretty good considering. Since then I've made myself breakfast, cleaned some in the bathroom, and sat down to embroider some more. It's been very calm and quite, relaxing. And then I went to get the mail, stepped wrong somehow, and hurt my knee. I'm so mad! I'm supposed to be walking five minutes a day and I can't even walk two minutes to get the damn mail without hurting myself. I've had it. I'm done. I can't freaking win. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Yay! 

The good news is that when the neighbor kids came over to start banging on my patio door and screech at the cats, they saw me and backed away. They haven't been back, thankfully. So, I've had the curtains open and have been able to look outside and see the flowers and herbs.     

Car-less, down one phone, reaching 300, strange dreams

Colonel Roy Mustang from 1st Fullmetal Alchemist Series. 

I'm sorry if I have missed something important in the blogosphere. I will eventually catch up on everyone's news, even if it takes me one blog at a time. I have been really busy lately, and yet not. 

We visited a friend on Monday and then Amanda took our friend Fiona home yesterday. Fiona had been here for quite awhile actually. While I appreciate all her help with cooking and cleaning and hanging out, I was ready for her to go home. Nothing against her, I just want time alone with Amanda. Anyway, in taking Fiona home, Amanda left the car for Fiona's Dad to work on for the rest of the week. We've been really concerned about a squeeky belt and also the car sounds like a fan that has paper stuck in it and since it is the only car we have at the moment and can't afford to replace it anytime soon, we need to keep it running. 

We are also down one cell phone. Amanda left hers at her parents house yesterday when they brought her home. We should get it back this weekend though. So she's been using the alarm on my phone to help her wake up in the morning. 

I have had some pretty interesting dreams as of late. Strange, intense, and vivid. I want to write them down but I'm only recalling tiny bits and pieces, feelings or notions, not enough that I feel I can string together properly. Oh well. This is what I get for not writing them down as soon as I wake up.

Yes, I am still pretty deep in the world of Fullmetal Alchemist in so much as I have watched a few episodes of anime here and there, looked at some pretty pictures, read some doujinshi, and am still working on the rewrite of my fanfic. I'm less than 30 pages from hitting the 300 page mark and I've still got a lot more to do. I figure if I have to, I can cut some stuff later. Amanda thinks I should post it, so people can see the difference between the story then and the story now and the progression of my writing... I may have already mentioned this- it's been awhile, sorry- if I haven't well, now you know. I don't know if I want to post it or not. Right now I just want to finish it and edit it. Then enjoy it for myself. I've got a couple of friends who want to read it. I know if I sent it to my Mom, she'd read it. It's kind of weird but I kind of wish Amanda was interested in reading it. I've told her a lot of it, asked her for her opinion on some things, brainstormed with her, so she pretty much already knows it. She'd not really the biggest fan of heterosexual romance stories and that is okay. She did say that she'd rather read and help me edit my novels when I get my ass in gear to work on them.

Speaking of novels. I've been getting images and feeling drawn or tugged predominately by three different characters. One is a mage, one is a witch, and one is a dragon. All three want my attention, all three want me to write their stories, and I've had to put my foot down because I am bound and determined to finish the story I am working on. I have such a hard time finishing stories, especially bigger ones, that I feel I simply must end this one before I can move onto another project.  

Oh and the other night, while attempting to lay down (I haven't been about to really lay down since surgery, kind of hurts and I am such a stomach sleeper), I came up with another Fullmetal Alchemist story. Mostly I was overheated, in pain, and trying to tell myself a story to help me go to sleep. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. That night it didn't. But I got to thinking, after telling Amanda and Fiona about it later, that why make it fanfiction when I can easily make changes and create my own world, my own magical system, and so on. So yeah, that's another character that's wanting my attention. 

While writing has encompassed a good deal of my life lately, at least I don't feel manic anymore. I'm actually a lot happier and feel better than I have in a long time. I'm watching anime, listening to music that calls and inspires me, I'm not worrying about what other people want all the time. Shit, I've been laughing a lot more and louder. I almost peed the other day from laughing. It's been ages since I've laughed that hard. It's kind of freaking me out. I didn't think I could get that loud. 

On the family front, my Grandparents are still in the rehabilitation center trying to get well enough to go home. I haven't spoken to my parents in a couple of days and need to. Everyone else seems to be okay, at least no one has called, messaged, or e-mailed me any different. 

Well, I have had enough of a break and it is time that I get a little bit more writing done before I get too tried to hold my eyes open.  

Season's chill, adjustments, and doing things I dread.

Found this one on desktop nexus. Gonna look for the artist, love it this work!

Today I am trying a new schedule per se. I haven't typed it up and Amanda told me not to make it so rigid as my last one, but to allow for some flexibility. The purpose of this is for me to allow myself time and give myself permission to do all the things I want and need to do. A large part of my problem, I've discovered, is that I have been unconsciously waiting for someone to give me permission to do things. But why? I still don't really know the answer to that, unless it has to do with a lost of independence and self stability, self esteem, and confidence. Probably just hit the nail on the head right there. Any way, I am trying out 2 hour increments with wiggle room in case I go over on a few things. Frankly, as hard as it is going to be, I need to stop beating myself up about stupid shit.

This morning there was a nice chill in the air. I cracked the bedroom window last night and had the fan on the highest it would go. Because Amanda is a veritable furnace, I am still sleeping with just a sheet and summer quilt. She fuses that it's cold meanwhile I am loving it! Besides, the best part is getting to snuggle down in the covers or being able to curl up on the sofa in the living room with a cozy blanket, coffee, and the space heater for a little bit before having to take her to work. 

We have a winter bucket list of sorts. One of those things is to play in the snow when it comes. I want snow to come so bad. I'm the kind of person that finds the above picture so terribly inviting. I keep checking the weather radar looking for snow and complaining about all the other places around us that are getting it while we aren't. Some of my friends might think I  am sick, but damn it, part of the draw for me to move up here, was the promise of more snow. More snow means making more snow dragons, sofas, and igloos! 

Of course with all my hoping for snow and lots of it, this means that the tug of winter and the Yuletide season is strong. Amanda and I both have felt the pull to put away the Halloween decor and bring Yule back. We brought home an Xmas tree from her parents house and will be working on setting it up and other things over the next week or so. 

Lastly, today I am going to do things I dread. Because I am done with my current doctor and her bullshit- she claims that she didn't refill my depression medication because the pharmacy sent her a note saying that I am not taking it properly, which is total crap, and I still haven't received a referral for a GYN specialist like she said she was going to get me- I am on the hunt for a new doctor and I'm going to find my own GYN. Of course this means I will be on the phone with strangers, which after working in two call centers and having a breakdown from it, I pretty much stare at my phone with trepidation when it rings. If I know the person, I will answer, if I don't, forget it. And sometimes, I can't being myself to answer if I do know the person. I hate calling people too, unless, again it is someone I know, and generally speaking I don't like to have long drawn out conversations. But, unfortunately today I have to deal with my necessary evil and just get it done and over with. I'm promising myself a nap with it's done. 

      

Restless dreams, the mermaid, and the nap.

I awoke early this morning feeling simply awful. I imagine I feel like the little girl in Spirited Away when she runs down the stairs at full speed and slams into a stone wall. I had a migraine too, but I think I caught it early enough that the medicine I took is helping. So, I will be able to take a nap in just a little bit, to kind of take the edge off how exhausted I am. It's so weird to say that I am exhausted and its not quite 8 am yet. Some days are just full of suck. To add to that, I had shitty, upsetting dreams highlighting the crap I learned yesterday from a friend. Not only was that not a good conversation, but trying to keep myself calm while on the phone with said friend was a bit difficult. Trying to keep it reigned in afterward was a bit difficult as well.

To distract myself from how awful I feel, I got on facebook to just putter around. That was a mistake. Not only was I reminded of something going on between two really good friends of mine, but I saw that Italy had a big earthquake. We don't have cable or even local channels and despite Amanda working at the newspaper, we don't have a subscription. I also don't go to news sites because well, I have depression and reading or watching the news just makes said depression worse. Ignorance isn't bliss, but sometimes it is necessary to help the healing process for a bit.  Anyway, I saw something else which infuriated me. Apparently, the lovely folks of my state have deemed it okay to kill an endangered pack of wolves because they are eating cows. Okay, I get it, a farmer loses revenue when a wolf eats a cow, but killing the wolves is not going really going to help. When you remove a predator from the area, other creatures normally kept in check are allowed to flourish and they can cause more of a problem in the long run- you know like potentially eating all the resources your cows eat. More than that, if we start saying it is okay to kill an endangered species for this reason, then that just opens up the door to kill more endangered species for what ever reason we deem fit. 

Of course, 9 times out of 10, I will take an animals side over a humans. But I like animals a lot better than I like people. Even possums, which I think are soulless and kind of freak me out, but that's a different story for a different day.  

I like mermaids too, hence the picture above, but that is also to because I am trying to soothe myself and bring a sense of calm to myself this morning before I make the gamut of phone calls I need to make. I want to talk to my Mom or my Dad, check on my Grandma, call Felicia back from yesterday, check on a friend, and talk to the doctors office. Thankfully, not all of those have to be long drawn out conversations. 

Other than that, I feel a little disjointed and not all together. There's a sense of being pulled in several different directions all at once, all these directions demand my attention. They are things I feel called to do, things I want to do, and things I need to do. Its very frustrating. But it is what it is and I will figure it out. After breakfast and after a nap. I think I am finally tried enough now to really get some sleep.

Never Again! Why does everyone think they need to talk to me today?

Not that long ago when we were having trouble with our Kia, we called a mechanic friend of ours, who helped us out once before and who also helped our friend Chris. Well, Chris, who had also come out to help us- because we'd thought we'd just needed a jump- gave him gas money. As it turned out we had an issue with our battery that was easily solved but the guy who came out, ended up getting some battery acid on a pair of gloves. We told him we would give him money to replace them. He said, at the time, that they were only 8 dollars. Since then, he has gone and bought gloves that were 18 dollars. 

Well, he's been asking for the last couple of days if we had the money. We do, we were going to give it to him yesterday but Amanda wasn't home in time and his wife went to work. Then, Amanda forgot to leave the money behind with me today and has it with her at work. So this guy decided that he would just go up to her work and get it. This is after he's been calling and messaging me all morning. Now, he is sitting up at Amanda's work, waiting and freaking out because she isn't outside. I told him that she is probably still on a call that she can't get out of and just be patient, she will be there. I have e-mailed her, I have called her direct line at work. I can't get a hold of her so she is either in a meeting, on a call, or helping a fellow employee. She is a lead after all. Sometimes breaks don't come when they are supposed to. 

Oh thank the gods, Amanda just e-mailed me and said that she got him the money. Geeze, with the way he acted, it was nigh life or death. I mean, honestly, we had it for him, we just needed to work out suitable logistics to get it to him. I also don't mind replacing things or reimbursing someone for work or gas money, but harassing me with bizarre desperation for two days straight is not helpful.

I have also learned that he really ticked off our friend Chris today.

***UPDATE EDIT- I just got a message from this guy stating that he wasn't sure what the miscommunication was, he was expecting 20 dollars. The gloves were 18 dollars. He said 18 dollars. Then he added that he went out of his way to help us. He got gas money that day, I don't see the problem. If he wanted 20 dollars then he should have asked for 20 dollars not 18. OMG THIS THIS is why I never ask anyone for help. 

Needless to say, if I ever have car trouble again, I will just call someone else. This is kind of ridiculous and I just don't want to have to deal with this crap again. 

Lastly, this guy aside, my phone has been ringing like crazy today. My college adviser has called, my doctor's office has called not to tell me about any referrals, but to see if I would come in earlier tomorrow morning, and there were several other calls from numbers I don't recognize. Most of the time no one calls me and now all of a sudden every one has to talk to me. Nope. 

Still sick, Sofia the 1st, some things I need to vent about.

Fun stuff first. I saw Sofia the First at my friend's house while baby sitting her son. That was awhile ago, but I recently found it on Netflix and decided that Amanda and I needed to watch it while we wait for the next season of My Little Pony. LOL, Amanda and I really love it and tonight we watched the wassiling episode- or rather their equivalent of Christmas. By the end, and it was a really good ending, we were both doing that ugly cry thing. It was great. But also while watching this show, I've been thinking about some things, things which I will get it in a few moments. 

Okay, more serious stuff. I'm still sick. We're going on about 2 and half weeks now. I started to feel better but for some reason couldn't quite shake it and it came back in full force. So I've been pretty miserable. Miserable in the sense that sometimes I don't realize that I have a fever and take some medicine fall asleep, and wake up drenched in sweat kind of miserable. But I have some antibiotics, am still drinking tea, and have some cough medicine to help. 

Being sick has made trying to do homework problematic. I am for the most part caught up (except for the last papers I need to write for this term) but I gave up on having A's in the classes. Fuck it. I just want to pass the classes and get on to the next term. I am so close to graduating and with everything that has happened over the last several months, I'm just burnt out and tired. Amanda is right, I do need to take time off instead of trying to go right into grad school. I need a break. But I don't want to be doing IEPG stuff, trying to plan a wedding (oh yeah, Amanda and I finally set a date), and doing grad school all at the same time. I'm sure I can do it. Or at least I think I can do it all, but while my brain says "Of course you can" my body and energy level says "Now just a moment sugar, you're gettin ahead of yourself here." Because I imagine all my inner voices to have some form of attitude and possible accents. 

One of my blogger friends was talking about fear and being too afraid to do things. She also talked about anxiety and worrying about everything. I get that. I lived in a sort of paranoid, completely pointless fear for over a year. I was scared to leave my house, scared to be seen enjoying my life even the least little bit. Shit I was scared to be seen walking and carrying in a sack of groceries, all because I had applied for disability and my stupid crazy aunt told me the gov. watches people who apply. I was scared that they would see me on a good day and I would get denied for have a few good days. Thankfully, I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. 

But while, I got passed those fears, I am scared for all new reasons. Some of them are family related and completely normal, like a kid worrying for their parents. Some things I am scared of are completely irrational, like calling people I don't know. Granted that is left over from call center work and some hiring manager at Borders ripping me a new one right before I had a nervous breakdown. to this day, I don't like talking on the phone unless it is with someone I know and even then I tend to keep it short. Most of the time phone conversations with my Mom are about 20 minutes. The only people I talk to longer than that with are my Grandparents. 

Bringing back the things that I have been thinking about because of Sofia the First, I've been thinking about my current friendships. Most people who know me pretty well have either figured out or have been told that I am very much an introvert. I need time to recoup and recharge after a lot of things. No, it didn't used to be this bad but some health issues, soon to be dealt with, don't make it easy. I'm not expecting that to be a cure all either. But since getting involved with the IEPG a couple of years ago, I've come out of my shell little by little and made some friends on my own. I actually have more friends now than I ever did while in school. That brings forth a whole new slew of problems and social complexities that I don't think I was entirely prepared for.

My parents are pretty much hermits and in a lot of ways I am like them, especially when I get totally engrossed in writing- another scare factor I will get into in a bit. So when I call up my Mom and fuss about this situation or that situation or how I can't seem to understand why there is a seemingly unintentional lack of respect in some areas of friendship, my Mom says that I need to get a new set of friends, I kind of stop an wonder what for. Then I watch things like My little Pony and Sofia the First and realize that either I've got some really selfish and fragile friends or I just need to stop trying to stand up for myself and quit trying to put up boundaries. 

I understand that everyone has had trouble and trails in their lives and that people have had truly horrible things happen to them. I understand that some people will never get over these things and I would never expect or ask them to. It;s not right and its not fair. However, is it really fair to freak out on someone for trying to address something that upset them and they set up a boundary? I'm not even talking big issues, just something small? I've had a couple of friends do that to me and not just once but time and time again. It;s to the point that anytime I have an issue, I am afraid to address with them because I am worried they are going to freak out on me and either make me feel like shit for having an issue or feel like shit that they got so upset. So, instead, I've said nothing and things keep cycling over and over in my head and one of these days I will explode and it won't be pretty. And in the meantime I just get more and more bitter as time goes by. its not really in me to hate anyone, but it is in me to be furious that I can't even talk to someone about something small, talk to them like an adult, resolve it and move on. 

And more to the point, I can't even talk to these friends about how they have treated Amanda in some situations. Another friend of mine once made mention that I don't have much a back bone. In some cases, yes, that is true, I have a hard time standing up for myself, being assertive, and a lot of people take advantage of that. But when people start talking shit, belittle, and try to police Amanda and in her own home no less, that tiny back bone of mine gets really big and its all I can do to bite my tongue and keep from causing a scene. 

   

I would just treat this all as some learning experience from which I can grow from, and in a lot of ways it is. Except I don't like the person I am when I am constantly angry. I don't like how snappish I get, how down right bitchy, and given more toward gossip and venting to Amanda about it. She's got enough on her plate, she doesn't need to hear all of my issues. She should be focusing on finish her novel because her mentor from Grad school want to send it to her personal editor to try and get it published!!!

Now I will discuss why I am scared to write, or at least why I think I am afraid to. There are a lot of reasons. First it was that I could never get quite. Well, we have our own place and will be setting up the "Bowie room"/ office/ Library in its entirety over the next couple of days. So I will have a quiet space to work and room in which to spread out and set up story boards and whatnot. Sometimes I am scared to write because when I feel the urge, I am frustrated and feel guilty because I should be doing school work. I tried setting up a schedule but Amanda thinks with my health and how tired I am all the time, that I need to remove some of what I want to get done in a day from that and just take it a little bit at a time. Okay. I can do that, so these are things that I can easily work out and have to some degree. But the bulk of it is that I am actually scared to it down and write. I'm worried about my characters and if they are all the same, if I've given them enough flaws and if they can have room for growth. I am scared that I peaked when writing fanfiction. I am scared that I will only be a mediocre writer and that no one will take me seriously. Hell, most of my friends don't and that makes me less and less willing to share anything I've written, especially when some of them hate some of the things I write about. And I am most especially scared of writing because if I can't get my friends and even my own family to read my writing without begging, how the hell am I going to get an editor or an agent to look at it and then  publish it? 

I don't know how many times I have sat and cried over even the last bit of that. I've wondered if I should just give up on school. If I should forget about going to Grad school for writing. If I should just erase all my stories and burn all the printed hard copies, the disks, the flash drives, and wipe and rewrite the hard drives of my laptops where everything is saved. Amanda says no. Amanda and my parents think I have talent. Amanda thinks I hit a big milestone when writing fantiction and that I am going to hit more. That there is room for more development and growth. Do, I want to give up writing? I don't really know who I am without it. But at the same time, being scared to sit down and write, leaves me feeling a bit lost. And while feeling that way, and having all these new challenges with people I want to stay friends with and know I can build stronger relationships with, on top of finishing school, and everything else, is kind of exhausting. I always try too look at things from the perspective of "anything I learn, can be useful for personal growth but also in terms of writing". And also, the get up and keep moving. But sometimes, sometimes, a girl gets tired and needs to sit down, rest, recharge, and regroup. 

On a slightly more upbeat and kind of funny note. I won a cruise today. I have dyslexia and it took me 5-6 times to call my health insurance case manager back today. I called some out of service number that google was still doing quality assurance for and also Royal Caribbean cruise lines and won a cruise for two with nominal fees of course. I finally got the number right and got to talk to the health insurance guy. 

The next post will be happier, I swear, because I said fuck it last Friday and got some crafting done.   

    

Today is a cooking and fight with the cat's day.

This is a Bitstrip picture I made for Skoora and I today.

Today is cooking day. No we really aren't going to add dog farts, cat hair or pickled fairy dust to our food or are we? Anyway, I'm taking a break for the moment. I've got sausage cooking on low and we have a double batch of Kaiser rolls in the first 'let rise' stage. We'll punch them down and let them rise again in a little while. Skoora is helping me out because my back and head both hurt pretty bad today. She's cutting up two green bell peppers and a large onion for the breakfast burritos. I've taken my pain meds but they never really take all the pain away and I am okay with that, so long as they take the edge off enough for me to focus and do other things.

We've been fighting with the cats today. They want whatever we are eating when we are eating it no matter what. But they aren't allowed to have our food anymore. We've got one diabetic kitty we don't need three. Oh and I've had to fight Ellie for my chair several times. She's such a punk and jumps right back up the minute I get up.

I hooked my laptop up to the TV via the HDMI cable so we wouldn't have to have my computer in the kitchen to read the Kaiser and Bierock's dough recipes. I know I should just print them off, but I don't have any ink in my printer... But I have Pandora running in the background and decided I wanted to hear a little Abney Park while we cook today. So far so good, I've liked most of what has played on this station.

I think part of the reason I have a headache is because of lack of sleep. I didn't sleep so well last night but hey, at least I was able to see the snow fall for a little while. I love snow but no one else seems to like it very much. Sadly it melted before I woke up this morning, it's still a little too warm during the day for it to stay. I might have said something about this before but I've been keeping track of my sleeping patterns and it seems that I have the most trouble sleeping during the New Moon. I also sleep like the dead during the full moon.

Yoda is yowling for me to come find him and pet him. *sigh* He's so bossy!

Last night was a really good night. I finally got to have Skoora all to myself. Sure, I live with her and she's been my girlfriend for the last six years. We spend time together but most of that time is taken up with each of us reading or writing (in the same room yes), or out running errands. Typically one of us is on the phone with a friend or relative, Skoora often gets lots of texts, and I don't really fuss or demand time with her 'completely alone' because she works and is in the middle of an MFA program. We also live with her parents for the time being so that makes it hard.

So last night, when we were in bed and the phone didn't buzz with a text, or ring, and the computers and TV were shut off (we didn't even have music playing), I was actually able to enjoy her company and converse on a lot of things. We talked about politics and national news station and how ridiculous we find them and the people who get all bent out of shape about what news station is saying what and how. We talked about our friend's politics and how they compared or were different from our own, we talked about our friends (nothing bad just how people are doing), and we talked about writing. We discussed hers and mine, certain ideas and so forth. Like I said it was really nice and I would like more of that more often but it will happen when it happens.

Well, it's time for me to get back to cooking.

Dark Ambient music to the rescue! Maybe.

"Dark ambient is a subgenre of Industrial music that features foreboding, ominous, or discordant overtones. Dark ambient has its roots in the 1970s, with the introduction of newer, smaller, and more affordable effects units, synthesizer and sampling technology. Dark ambient is an unusually diverse genre, related to ambient music and noise, yet generally free from derivatives and connections to other genres or styles."

I am having one of those evenings. I'm very lethargic, don't really feel good hence the progression toward lethargy, and part of that has to do with the fact that I've been two days without my anti-depressants. So, in effort to cheer myself up and get interested in doing something, I am listening to my dark ambient station on LastFM. They play  a couple of my favorite bands: Arcana, Dead Can Dance, and Nox Arcana. All are good to write too and they also play some other bands that do more of the 'noise' songs off and on, which is good for when I just want something in the background and don't want to be distracted by more complex melodies and harmonies from some of the other stuff I listen too, as well as lyrics. It kind of depends on what I am writing, how agitated I am that day, and so forth. Settling down to do anything lately, is still a bit of a challenge. 

However, although I haven't managed to do much over the last couple of days, I have done something. I've started working on the Detangled Writer's blog as an administrator and I've managed to prepare drafts and upload the pictures for my craft blog. I really had planned to get my ass in gear and work on the craft posts as well as a couple post for this blog but one of my best friends from Kansas called me today. We spoke over the phone for two hours! I can't believe it! I hate talking on the phone (we can blame the nightmare call centers I've worked at for that), and I don't even talk to my Mother that long on the phone. Of course, I do talk to my Mom just about everyday. 

Any way, after I got off the phone I replied to some e-mails, made dinner, and watched a TV show with the Mom-in-law. Then the evening just kind of unraveled a little from there. As in, I realized why I've felt more depressed than usual the last couple of days. 

Also, I don't think I have mentioned it within my blog, but I quit smoking two months ago. I'm fine most of the time, but there are moments when I would really like one. I don't want a pack, just one. *sigh*  I know its healthier for me not to smoke but it was one of those things that I just really enjoyed. So I guess I am lamenting the loss of my icky habit a little.

But now I am on the phone again, this time with my cousin. So I am going stop blogging. :)