1st dumb thing my therapist has said and what's been going on lately

Apparently I am really drawn to my moon sign's element of fire lately. I keep gravitating to art and such with fire. It's weird, I usually go for water, the element of my sun sign. But, I'm not going to argue. Maybe it's part of the who Rune draw I did at Ostara. I drew Kenaz. A description of it is in the picture below. 

I would go into more explanation of this and why it actually means a great deal to me for this year, but I am bit exhausted. I've actually been internally at war with my depression monster and its getting worse. To be honest, I hate myself because I am so depressed most of the time that I can't stand to breathe. I'm either angry, apathetic, manic, or so depressed I just want to scream, cry, or break things. I don't tell anyone how bad it really is because no one can actually handle it or they just don't care. I pretty much try to stuff it all down so I can be as calm as possible, but it's so exhausting. There have been some new problems that have arisen for me personally that have made me feel even more defective and worthless. I actually was so upset and angry the other day I beat the shit out of my legs and then grew more furious because I didn't even get the satisfaction of having bruises. I couldn't even leave proof of my own anger somewhere. And then that made me angry because I swore to myself that I wouldn't get this bad again.

So I took most of these feelings and thoughts to my therapist the other day. She asked me about a coupe of things and then said the 1st dumb thing I have ever heard her say. She basically said that I made myself fat to become undesirable to push people away so they couldn't hurt me. What?! No, I got fucking fat because my damned hormones were out of wack and sometimes I eat my feelings. I never wanted to be undesirable. I never wanted this. Sure, I want people to leave me alone so I can write, but I want friends and family around. I want to go out and have fun. 

And with everything going on my Mom told me yesterday that she has a black spot in her mouth and she said without saying that she's afraid that it's cancer. It's possible. She's been a smoker since before I was born and at one time she smoked a pack and and half a day. 

Ooops, oops, and more oops, lessons.

Oh look at the cute little bat I painted not long ago.

I feel that it is important to admit mistakes, even when you don't want to. Most of the time I just admit them to myself, deal with it, and move on, but not today. 

My first mistake and the reason yesterday was worse than it needed to be, was due to me missing my meds. I have a nightly routine of removing make up- if I wore any-, washing my face, using my facial toner, and then I take my my meds and vitamins and give Amanda hers, all before getting into bed. When you don't go to bed until around 5 am and pretty much crash into pillows, wiggle under blankets, wrestle some from your mate who thinks your side of the bed is somehow, suddenly better, you tend to forget that stuff. Or you say fuck it but forget that you said fuck it until the next evening when you're itching from allergies, ready to cry from depression, hurting so bad you can barely stand to have said mate touch you. 

Mistake number 2 was deciding to make my phone case situation into my own hands. I have a lovely Alphonse Mucha, Autumn, cell phone case, but I have had it as long as I have had my phone. It is cracked in a couple of places, the design is wearing off, and it just looked dingy. So I pulled the back off, painted it black to help hide the cracks and put some Halloween stickers on it. I even used a workable fixative to kind of help seal it. Well, now it just looks weird and while I can do weird, I don't like how slippery it feels. A good scratch would probably take some of the paint off and I don't like that one of the stickers has the potential to be easily removed. Needless to say, I don't be doing that again. Ahh! this is all especially bad because I am having trouble with my hands and tend to drop stuff, like just now, when I picked up my phone to move it off my note book and dropped it on the floor. It just slipped right out of my hand. *sigh*

A third mistake was putting too many herbs in a spell candle and burning it in the original tea light holder. Not only did it get so hot that it melted the metal holder into oblivion, it burned right through my altar cloth and had Narcisa not been drawn to the altar to look at it and us worried about her lighting herself on fire, we might have had a bigger issue on our hands. We were in the same room, mind you, I don't leave candles burning unattended, we were just watching a movie. So, lesson learned with spell candles, put them in a stronger, more heat resistant container and use less herbs.

  

On a more amusing note, Narcisa is quite annoyed with me. There was another neighborhood kitty perched on a tree branch and I went out to take photos. Narcisa doesn't like it when we are outside and she is left inside. She thinks if we are out, she should be too, never mind that she might get fleas, or get into a fight with a squirrel or another cat. Also, last night we had the first fire of the season in our fire place. Narcisa was so happy, so excited, and then melted on the floor right in front of of the fireplace. We meant nothing to her except when the fire got low, then she needed us to stoke it and add more wood. Once it was toasty again, she had no need for us. 

   

HAPPY YULE!

Happy Yuletide Greetings!

Skoora and I wish everyone a happy and healthy Yule! We hope that this holiday and the coming holidays and year are wonderful for you! 

We started our Yule festivities with a 4 am wake up hair ball from Yoda-Chan. Poor kitty got sick but he was on my pillow. I was able to move him from there but couldn't quite get him off the bed so we had a mess. Because of the disruption, and a small icky mess on my pillow, I had to do some quick changing of the bed and pillows. For some reason if I don't get my pillows just right or if I don't have the right ones fluffed the right way, I get the worst head ache the next morning. I think I am becoming the Princess from The Princess and the Pea. 

So, I awoke with a headache this morning, had to toss down some headache meds along with my morning meds and hurry out the door for a trip into the neighboring town to take care of some business and pick up a gift from a toy store for a friend. I love the toy store, it's like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium without the store actually being alive. After that we stopped for lunch at our favorite Chinese buffet and came back to our town. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and most importantly, a pillow for me. I am going to get rid of my oldest pillow with this replacement and see how that works for me. 

When we got home we decided to take a little food out to the a park not far from where we live and have a Yule cook out. I made a tater-tot casserole and put it in foil as well as some bacon and grabbed two toaster strudel. We had some wood in the back of the jeep and we took off.

When we arrived Skoora started working on the fire and I set up my camera to take some pictures. However, it was getting dark so not a lot of them turned out. This one did, it's of the river down the hill.  

We did manage to get the food half way cooked before packing it in. Like I said it was getting dark and the sign at the entrance of the park said that the park closed at sunset and we were there until after sunset. When we heard a fire truck, we pulled our food off the grill, killed the fire, and pack our things up. We didn't want to get into trouble for being there after hours. But while we were there we listened to nice music and just enjoyed the park. There was a squirrel above us on the roof of the pavilion and when we left, we saw two deer. I really wished we could have stayed longer. I would really have liked that. 

We are home, have finished cooking dinner in the oven and eaten it and now we are watching TV for a little bit. Well, we are listening to the TV. The Wizard of Oz is on. It was my Uncle's favorite movie, my Uncle who passed on last year. We will probably play games in a little bit but first, we have to do some laundry else we won't have a bed to lay down in in the morning.