The Muslim Woman Teacher, the jealous girlfriend, sad news, and "I can't even".

I recently learned that the band H.I.M. is on their farewell tour. I know all good things come to an end, but I really liked them and while I haven't been to concerts in a a few years, I would have gone to see them if they came close to where I live. That's my sad news. I mean really, it could be a lot worse. 

I've either fallen asleep watching TV or planned to sleep on the sofa for the last couple of nights. Amanda and I have both been tired and so much so that we're too tried to go in and change the bed sheets by the end of the day. We've been too tired to do a lot and have pushed through anyway. Last week was a bit rough for both of us. Cousin Kat came and left over the weekend and then I had several days where I was in a lot of pain, foggy brained, and or really depressed. All of that is exhausting and instead of trying to fight it all and wear myself out more, I said 'fuck it' and decided to play Guild Wars 2. That was good, although frustrating because a lot of stuff is different and I'm not sure I was following things clearly. 

Anyway back to the T.V. NHK does some documentaries called Inside Lens. This week its about a Muslim woman in Indonesia who runs a religious boarding school. She teaches, runs it, and gives talks about how men should treat women better, equality, and how without strong women and mothers, we wouldn't have strong nations. She is AMAZING! She didn't used to run the school, it was her husbands school but he passed away and for awhile she was a little lost. But she is very religious and prayed and found her answer to be that she would keep the school running on her own, that the only man she needed was God. Here is the link for the documentary: https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/tv/lens/

I decided to do a written role play with cousin Kat. She's had a lot of hell recently and I wanted to give her a little something to look forward too, in my own way, that I knew I could do. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do lately, so this at least gets me doing something constructive. Anyway, I've wanted to write a Kitsune story. I started a book years ago but never got very far with it. So, I decided to have a Kitsune character once again and see what I could come up with this time. I gave him a horrible back story and then wrote the opening post. When I read it to Amanda, she was a little and cutely jealous. She wants to play with Noritoki and really liked my opening. She even thought it would make a good novel on its own. 

Speaking of Amanda, we've both had a crummy last couple of weeks. The good stuff has been getting to see Cousin Kat, seeing a couple of friends, and the new episodes of My Little Pony on Netflix. Amanda was so depressed last night that she wanted to finish out the episodes, except that kind of backfired. The last episode was about Applejack's parents- who while the show has never said it, that I can remember, aren't living. The apple family siblings learned about their parents beginning relationship and how they came to be married. But both Amanda and I were really upset because while we know their parents are gone, we don't know the why or the how and ugh! So I suggested we watch some of season 2 of Kamisama Kiss because that's fun and cute and it has a pissy Kitsune named Tomoe who is freaking awesome, gorgeous, and I just love him. I also really like the anime because it make me laugh. There was an instance last night where one of the characters (we are watching the american dub- I like both thank you-) says "I can't even" and while a lot of people use that phrase, I've even used that phrase, it was so unexpected in an anime that it struck my funny bone just right. I'm still giggling over it. 

But that's the mostly happy stuff. We've got more car issues than we bargained for, as in it didn't pass the emissions test so we couldn't buy car tags and won't be able to until we can afford to get it worked on and then of it has to pass or we will have had to do 150 dollars worth of work on it to try to get it to pass before we can buy car tags. Amanda got me some bus passes for when I need to go somewhere and a friend is taking me to an appointment this afternoon. Aside from that, it's just pain, depression, panic attacks, and wedding stress.  

Neighbors, writing struggles, and musical zen,

Yesterday, I left to take a walk to my mail box. I was wearing my sun and moon leggings, a back dress that goes to my knees, and was carrying the lovely UV protection umbrella/parasol (I'm mildly allergic to the sun and some medication I am on makes me even more sensitive to sunlight) Amanda bought me for my birthday. All the neighbors who were waiting for the noon bus to pick up their kids at the corner stared at me. I had a little giggle. It's almost as if they've never seen a fat goth before. LOL actually, come to think of it. I don't think many of them have ever seen me period. I haven't exactly gone out much except to get the mail or go straight to the car since living here. I don't hang out with my neighbors. 

Speaking of my neighbors, I heard someone say "fuck off" really loudly outside my patio door last night and since I was up, I opened the curtain to see a woman walking away from a cop who was shining a flash light at her. I closed the curtain and went back to my business. In all reality she was probably drunk or something.

I slept a bit yesterday. It was good and I actually laid down for a bit with no problems. That's improvement. However, I was having a bad day emotionally. Not sure what set it off but I remember sitting at my desk, trying to write the last chapter I was working on while crying. I thought, I have nearly 400 pages, I'm struggling with this story and don't know why since I know where I want to go- more or less- with it, but it's nearly 400 pages of fanfiction, which means that when I do get it finished it is not publishable nor was it ever meant to be. But that made me a little sad. I feel pulled to work on other stories, but I have denied those urges because I have this terrible problem of not finishing projects and I am damned determined to see this one through to the end. It's a matter of proving to myself that I can. It is also a matter of me seeing if I can write period, which after yesterday's ugly cry fest, I felt less than mediocre. 

I e-mail Amanda at work and told her I was having a terrible day and we decided not to worry about cooking and went to Ron's Burgers, a local business near our house. I didn't want to go in, so we did the drive thru and came home. We both fell asleep watching Ab Fab but I woke sometime around eight and finished a movie I'd started several days ago. Then I moved over to my computer to pick up the writing work again. Except I didn't get much writing done last night because I spent about two and half hours listening to various music on youtube. I was all over the place. Halsey, Lady Gaga, the 69 Eyes. I stumbled across two new artists that seem interesting.

I'm guessing Kerli just might be pagan. Don't know, but there is some interesting imagery in the video.

Eivor was interesting, wasn't on the same heavy bass and epic level of music I seemed to have favored last night but maybe that's what made it so appealing. 

I, of course went for a favorite from Gackt. I love his voice! He's pretty too, but really, I just love listening to him sing. 

I learned about Nathan Lanier while listening to my Two Steps from Hell Station on Pandora. I love this song so much. He's definitely becoming a new favorite for epic music to write to.

Anyway, I relaxed a bit while listening to music, let myself get lost in a lot of it, and it was very much a kind therapy or meditative sort of thing. I felt a little better afterword, enough that I was able to finish the short chapter I was working on. 

I've started a small project, since I listen to music while writing, to write down songs that evoke certain emotions or have some reference to an element, such as water or fire. I'm trying to assemble an "elemental" playlist of sorts for a a story I'm going to be writing soon. One of the songs I found, which I think might actually fit the story really well is this one by Seabound, called Scorch the Ground.

 

It is so weird to think that I first heard this song a decade ago. 

Well, I since I was up all night again and am hurting a bit today, I am going to go lie down with a book with the hopes of crashing out soon.

House work, follow the music, dark skies, and Absolutely Fabulous, Into the Badlands, and Preacher

We've been watching T.V. a little more than we usually do lately. I haven't felt up to going out and doing too much and sometimes, I just want to sit and be pulled into something fun to forget the crap I'm dealing with. So with that said, I thought I would mention a couple of the things we've been viewing. Amanda and Fiona have been watching a lot of South Park. I tend to put my headphones on for most of that to work on writing. However, I did notice that Absolutely Fabulous was on NetFlix and since I used to watch it on BBC America when I lived with my parents years ago- and loved it- I wanted to see it again. Amanda and I watched a couple of episodes tonight. Great fun! 

Well, Preacher is a disappointment. I had high hopes because Amanda has been reading the comic at work on her lunch break. A coworker brings it in for her. From what she told me, it sounded awesome. So, wanting to check out the show- because I like Dominic Cooper- we watched it. I had even higher hopes for it when I saw Seth Rogen's name in the credits. WTF?! Really? Not only does this stupid show have me twanging as if I have been around my Mother's family from Oklahoma, but it sucks. Maybe if I hadn't heard anything about it prior I might be happier with it, but no. Some of the people in the damned town remind me of some members of my family and I don't need any reminders of those people. We've given up and Amanda and I are going to see if the comics are at the library so I can read them and get the true story. 

Into the Badlands, was a show I saw advertised when I was down visiting my parents some time ago. My Mom saw it and said it was really good and that I would enjoy it. Last night our friend Rachel was over for dinner and said that I would really like it too. I'd already put it on my Netflix queue so we watched the first episode. There was some chatter in the background so I didn't catch everything but what I did see, I really liked. It's very intriguing, has some nice martial arts, and well, a couple of actors I like. Amanda and I are planning to re-watch the first episode soon and continue on. 

Today was a lovely day. Nice and overcast. We had some sleet and rain, it was chilly too. I opened the curtain and got all excited when I saw the darker clouds rolling in from the west. Needless to say it made me happy. We also seem to have a squirrel running about who doesn't have a full tail. It's kind of cute. 

Fiona went home today, she left while I was napping. I'm still not feeling up to doing much and she's been helping me out around the house with some cleaning and cooking. That's doesn't exactly make me happy because I want to be doing these things myself and she should be here to relax. I know she doesn't mind, but that's not the point. 

Anyway, I turned on pandora, turned it up, and went to work in my kitchen when I awoke. I hadn't been in there to clean for over a month and well, Fiona and Amanda don't clean quite like I clean. It;s not their fault, my mother is OCD and there are some things that I notice that other people don't because my Mom noticed them and would bitch at me to do them. So I did the dishes and cleaned one side of the kitchen. I still need to wipe down the cabinet doors and tackle the other side, but I could only do so much before I was hurting. I also broke a pint glass. When Amanda woke from her nap, she washed the cushion covers of the sofa and vacuumed the living room floor. Tomorrow, if I am feeling up for it, I will tackle the other half of the kitchen. Fiona rearranged my refrigerator when she was cleaning a spill. My cabinets are a mess too. It might take us all week, but we will get everything put back in order. Not to worry, I'm not complaining, not too much. I am grateful for all the help, I just wish I didn't have to go in and rearrange stuff after. 

Lastly, I read Amanda some of my story. She gave me some of her MFA Learned pointers and we got to talking. I think I really do want to explore the MFA avenue. I really do think it would be beneficial to me and now that my internal girly bits are gone and not killing me, I might actually be able to attend a school here in town rather than an online program. Which might also be good for me. I can hear my Dad bitching at me now.  He doesn't want me to be in debt and wants me to be writing and finishing a novel. But back to Amanda, apart from the critique, she'd say "gross" every so often about something that I was reading her, like Hetro sex and so on. It was kind of funny, but there was a moment or two where I started to worry. It was fine, she was giving me shit. 

Well, time to get to it. 

Cat Tales Zoological Park, still achy, music

Today we went to Cat Tales Zoological Park. 

I'm not sure what spurred Amanda into wanting to go or if it was a joint deciding venture between her and our friend Rachel. Either way, we went with Rachel and her boyfriend. 

Cat Tales is a  non-profit that takes in animals from side shows, animals that basically idiots decided it would be cool to have and then learned they were much more than they could handle and so on. They have Bengal and Siberian Tigers, a Lion, bobcats, a bear, some parrots, and at least one house cat that we decided was the most dangerous kitty at the park. No, really, we named him Skittles and he rules that joint. Okay, he probably doesn't but he's wild enough that there are signs advising people not to pet the house cats if they see them. There are also signs that state "do not run, you look like food", which I thought were appropriate.

It is not a big park and for my first real outing involving a good bit of walking, I think it went pretty well. One of the white tigers, Zeus, was pretty chatty. I didn't know if he was upset because he was limping and possibly hurting, or if he was just talking. He kept looking at me, so I spent some time at his enclosure while he walked up and down and rubbed his face on the chain link.   

I do not have pictures because my phone died during the night last night and I didn't have time to plug it in this morning before we left. My camera battery is also dead, so I didn't have that available. I linked the website above

After we left Cat Tales, we stopped by a cemetery so Rachel's boyfriend could get some pictures and then we went to get something to eat. Then we stopped at Party City and I knew after a few minutes in there that I was done for the day. It has only been four weeks since my surgery and I am still pretty sore. On top of that, I think the lackluster breakfast sandwiches I got us at 7-11 upset my stomach because I wasn't feeling well. It was bad enough that anything Amanda mentioned us getting from the store for the week made me want to vomit. 

I am still having trouble laying down to sleep. I tried this morning but it was just painful enough to keep me from getting any true sleep. So I gave up and sat up. I'm not happy about this, I would really like to sleep in bed with Amanda. I miss it and we are both feeling a little disconnect in that regard. Tonight she was having a bad night, so I made her come out to sleep on the sofa because I didn't want her to be alone. I mean, it's not like I'm likely to sleep anytime soon. Writing all night seems to be the best time for me. The rest of the world is sleeping.

A bit of good news is that my Grandmother is out of the hospital and back in the rehab center. She's keeping food down, but fora  little while her kidneys weren't functioning. She's better. 

Still writing and I did a really naughty thing. I ordered a couple of small note books from Evil Supply Co. They are relatively inexpensive and I find them to be the perfect size for story notes. Plus they are so me. This is one of the ones I purchased tonight.

On to music. I set up a L'Ame Immortelle station on pandora because I wanted more of that type of Gothic Music. Through some tweaking I am finally getting a mix of Gothic and Darkwave that is akin to what I was hearing on R1 Das Darkwave years ago. It was a streaming station I stumbled upon via Winamp over a decade ago that is no longer running. The station on pandora isn't perfect and I'm not getting everything I would like, but its close enough to make me happy. I'm still trying to figure out how the hell "Cry Little Sister" from the movie Lost Boys actually pertains to the damned movie. I know I saw it years ago, but I don't get it, lol.  I also heard a "new to me" song by VNV Nation called "Carbon" that I fell in love with. 

   

Car-less, down one phone, reaching 300, strange dreams

Colonel Roy Mustang from 1st Fullmetal Alchemist Series. 

I'm sorry if I have missed something important in the blogosphere. I will eventually catch up on everyone's news, even if it takes me one blog at a time. I have been really busy lately, and yet not. 

We visited a friend on Monday and then Amanda took our friend Fiona home yesterday. Fiona had been here for quite awhile actually. While I appreciate all her help with cooking and cleaning and hanging out, I was ready for her to go home. Nothing against her, I just want time alone with Amanda. Anyway, in taking Fiona home, Amanda left the car for Fiona's Dad to work on for the rest of the week. We've been really concerned about a squeeky belt and also the car sounds like a fan that has paper stuck in it and since it is the only car we have at the moment and can't afford to replace it anytime soon, we need to keep it running. 

We are also down one cell phone. Amanda left hers at her parents house yesterday when they brought her home. We should get it back this weekend though. So she's been using the alarm on my phone to help her wake up in the morning. 

I have had some pretty interesting dreams as of late. Strange, intense, and vivid. I want to write them down but I'm only recalling tiny bits and pieces, feelings or notions, not enough that I feel I can string together properly. Oh well. This is what I get for not writing them down as soon as I wake up.

Yes, I am still pretty deep in the world of Fullmetal Alchemist in so much as I have watched a few episodes of anime here and there, looked at some pretty pictures, read some doujinshi, and am still working on the rewrite of my fanfic. I'm less than 30 pages from hitting the 300 page mark and I've still got a lot more to do. I figure if I have to, I can cut some stuff later. Amanda thinks I should post it, so people can see the difference between the story then and the story now and the progression of my writing... I may have already mentioned this- it's been awhile, sorry- if I haven't well, now you know. I don't know if I want to post it or not. Right now I just want to finish it and edit it. Then enjoy it for myself. I've got a couple of friends who want to read it. I know if I sent it to my Mom, she'd read it. It's kind of weird but I kind of wish Amanda was interested in reading it. I've told her a lot of it, asked her for her opinion on some things, brainstormed with her, so she pretty much already knows it. She'd not really the biggest fan of heterosexual romance stories and that is okay. She did say that she'd rather read and help me edit my novels when I get my ass in gear to work on them.

Speaking of novels. I've been getting images and feeling drawn or tugged predominately by three different characters. One is a mage, one is a witch, and one is a dragon. All three want my attention, all three want me to write their stories, and I've had to put my foot down because I am bound and determined to finish the story I am working on. I have such a hard time finishing stories, especially bigger ones, that I feel I simply must end this one before I can move onto another project.  

Oh and the other night, while attempting to lay down (I haven't been about to really lay down since surgery, kind of hurts and I am such a stomach sleeper), I came up with another Fullmetal Alchemist story. Mostly I was overheated, in pain, and trying to tell myself a story to help me go to sleep. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. That night it didn't. But I got to thinking, after telling Amanda and Fiona about it later, that why make it fanfiction when I can easily make changes and create my own world, my own magical system, and so on. So yeah, that's another character that's wanting my attention. 

While writing has encompassed a good deal of my life lately, at least I don't feel manic anymore. I'm actually a lot happier and feel better than I have in a long time. I'm watching anime, listening to music that calls and inspires me, I'm not worrying about what other people want all the time. Shit, I've been laughing a lot more and louder. I almost peed the other day from laughing. It's been ages since I've laughed that hard. It's kind of freaking me out. I didn't think I could get that loud. 

On the family front, my Grandparents are still in the rehabilitation center trying to get well enough to go home. I haven't spoken to my parents in a couple of days and need to. Everyone else seems to be okay, at least no one has called, messaged, or e-mailed me any different. 

Well, I have had enough of a break and it is time that I get a little bit more writing done before I get too tried to hold my eyes open.  

Waking songs, escape into art, and I'm not doing it until I have to.

Often I wake up with a song playing in my head, almost like a personal soundtrack stuck on repeat. We don't often listen to music while we sleep mostly because we don't have a radio/cd/record player in the bedroom, and also because pandora will drain my phone battery or do that "are you still listening crap". Oh and a lot of the streaming stations I used to listen to either don't exist anymore or seem to constantly buffer. Anyway back to the point, waking with music in my head. Most of the time it is a song I have heard recently that was stuck in my head during the previous day (it seems like if I'm not thinking about stories, agonizing over something that is bothering me, or tearing a subject apart, there's a song playing in my thoughts). But sometimes I awaken with a song that I haven't heard for awhile. Today it was Funeral of Hearts by H.I.M. 

Now that's kind of interesting because just recently Amanda bought me my 2nd vinyl record and its one of H.I.M.'s. I've  heard the album before but I haven't listened to the vinyl yet. Also, I saw the record sitting on the table yesterday when I was looking for something, but at the time, I had a much different song stuck in my head (I think it was something by Hildegard Von Bingen. I can't remember which song it was but I will link something of hers below), but isn't it weird and neat that something I saw yesterday could invoke a song that I wake up to? I kind of want to look to see if there is science on that.

Hildegard von Bigen

Nene Thomas

 Moving on. Nene Thomas is one of my favorite artists and when we first moved in our apartment, I was in the market to buy some of her art work for our walls. Well, I didn't have too much money to spend and I couldn't decide which piece I liked best, so I bought a calendar and some vinyl record frames and have several lovely pictures of hers hanging in the living room. The one above happens to be one of my favorites. Its a dark-haired witch with a little dragon and lots of my favorite color- green. When I sat down on the sofa with my breakfast this morning, I looked up and saw this picture. Without so much as a thought, I asked the picture "can I come in there today?" I'm not sure why or what spurred that on, it felt more like a sudden desire and impulse. It could also be my subconscious telling me that I need a little bit more time with escapism before I crack down and get to work. I'm only running with that thought because of yesterday's inspiration in watching some anime. I tend to draw my inspiration from things I watch or read and sometimes from music.  

To go along with that, I am not getting dressed until I absolutely have to. I'm also going to lay on the sofa and not beat myself up about taking a nap if I happen to fall asleep.  Fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass lately and so has the PCOS. Yesterday I jarred my back so badly while making dinner, I wanted to vomit, and I did it by hitting my elbow on something. Its nothing new, I do it all the time, but it has never hurt that badly before. Anyway, I am resting today so I can be more refreshed tomorrow. At least, that is my hope. I would like to make a grocery bag holder for my kitchen tomorrow and maybe start planning out my Halloween or Gothic Quilt.  Mary over at Autumn Moon Enchantment has been inspiring me through her blog and Instagram. I saw one of the quilts she is making on instagram and while mine probably won't be as nice (I've only made one small lap quilt) I still want to try more. 

Loot from a couple of weeks ago- playing a little catch up.

Not that long ago, Amanda and I went to Hastings Books and Music. I picked up a blast from the past CD for $0.97 and of course it is all scratched to hell, but Amanda is going to work her magic and make it work long enough for me to rip it onto my computer. The Song "Lucky" is on the Buffy The Vampire Slayer (TV series) Soundtrack. 

Amanda thought I should get this book because it "looked like my kind of book". We will see if this book meets my standards for naughty fun reading material. 

She also thought I would like this book. I thought it looked witty and fun. 

Hasting's was doing a great deal on some of their books, it was buy one, get one for $1. I grabbed this one, which I have since learned is the prequel to the Throne of Glass Series. I have the first book, of course, I just haven't gotten to it yet. 

And this one is the second in the series.

Songs from my childhood, cars, Grandpa's endorsement

Big Head Todd and the Monsters

Because its almost 4 am and I had annoying song stuck in my head, I am listening to songs from my childhood, and I thought I would share. This is one of my Dad's favorites. We were actually talking about going for drives and playing name that tune and listening to music in the car when I was a kid. My Dad said that most people talking about how they peaked in high school or college but he thinks he had the most fun in the 90s with me while taking drives and listening to music in the car. I really miss that too. 

Cowboy Junkies: Sweet Jane

So I don't know the fuck is going on with all the cars this year. My car broke several months ago. Then we had to replace all the tires on Amanda's car. Chris's car died. Amanda popped one of the new a tires. A&B, a set of friends of ours, their car died at Costco. And we just got a call about an hour ago that Birdy's car died at Wal-mart. So we went to get our friend Tsuki and her groceries home and try to jump Birdy's car. Dram, who took Tsuki to the store, was on his way home when I called him from Tsuki's house, so at least there is that. But this is nuts! Amanda and I are of the opinion that the squeaky belt on her car need to be fixed A.S.A.P before the only working car of our local friends is toast. 

Edi Brickell & New Bohemians: What I am

I also spoke with my Grandparents today. My Grandpa was having a good day, he remembered that they went to the Neil Reunion (where he went to high school) last weekend as well as who I was. He asked me what I was up to and I told him that I have been looking at possible Grad Schools. So of course he wanted to know what I was going to Grad school for. I told him Creative Writing. He said I would do well because I am a Richardson and all the Richardsons write well. Then he told me about all the Richardsons in the family- people I have never heard him talk about- who all write. Which is cool, I just wish I knew who some of these people are. But it's nice to have his endorsement, even though he's only read and torn apart a couple of my school reports. I don't often share my writing with my Grandparents because I know Grandma wouldn't like it. LOL. She apparently didn't like her mother talking about Brownies hiding things in her house, I don't think she would like all the magic and well, some of the themes that show up in my stories. 

Aside from that, we didn't make it to fight practice after all. Amanda was tired and things got weird at her job. She will be working 11 days straight staring Monday. Someone quit and fouled up everything. But then she will work Sunday- Thursday! She will also get some overtime which means maybe we can fix both cars!

And lastly, one of my theme songs. I actually "borrowed" this CD from my Dad. 

 

Garbage: Only Happy When it Rains

I just found a 90's play list on youtube, I may not be going back to sleep for a little bit. That's okay, Narcisa is happy we are awake, she wants to play. 

I have learned some things!!!

First, I would like to learn how to paint with water colors like this. I think it would be fun and it would certainly satisfy part of my love/need to paint. 

Second, if I can swing it, I am getting myself an Erhu when I graduate. It looks and sounds like this. 

I love the sound of this instrument. I'm not looking to preform anywhere, just learn how to play and play for myself. Ever since I had to pawn my trumpet for gas money several years ago and my piano keyboard decided to crap out on me, I've missed playing music. Amanda, thankfully has a cornet, violin, and mandolin but they are all back in Kansas in my parents basement. They aren't doing us much good there. We will get them, eventually. In the mean time, I will have this wonderful instrument to learn and explore, just for me. I also thought about a Cello but I have no idea where we would put it. 

Okay so on to what I have learned in the last couple of days. 

That park I went to is apparently a park for hookers and hooking up, or so I have been told. Okay, so maybe I will try for High Bridge park next time I have to go park and sit while waiting on Amanda. The great thing about living somewhere new is learning all the places to stay away from and all the cool stuff to check out. 

The next thing is that my wellness class is exactly what I thought it was going to be like. People with good intentions and with great ideas who want to make the world a better place and make things fair and wonderful for everyone. They talk about the ideals and wellness all around. These are great concepts and I am glad that someone is doing research into these things and trying to lay the ground work for the greater good. Seriously, I commend their efforts. However, I don't believe that someone can be 100% "well". At least not in everyone's opinion. There will always be something wrong with someone. I say that because they talk about health and how you might seem healthy but not know there is something wrong with you. If there are no symptoms how are you to know unless you go looking and poking. Which is fine. But the more you look, eventually you're probably going to find something. Then there is the whole imbalance part of it and how we need to work to becoming balanced and so on. Okay, that's fine too. But, bottom line, no matter what I think is healthy or what my ideals of wellness are, are never going to match up with someone else's.

We also looked at wellness models. I tend to gravitate toward the holistic, at least that's what seemed to resonate with me the most when reading about the models. It was neat. 

I came across an article called When Pain Hijacks Your Brain. Someone on the support fibromyalgia page on facebook posted it and I thought I would give it a shot. The author basically outlined what I've been dealing with for a really long time. I'm naturally observant anyway, so I tend to watch and listen to people. I also really think about conversations I've had or things I've read or seen or what have you, so I don't often reply right away to something. But then there is this on top of it. I've been in a serious conversation with people before and just fucking lose what I was talking about. Then I spend a minute or two rambling because I'm trying to back track to remember what the fuck I just lost. It's really Gods damned annoying! And I do worry about Alzheimer's because my Grandpa has it. But yeah, reading this was kind of exciting and I will have to remember it the next time I get frustrated so I don't automatically start shutting down because I think I sound like an idiot. Actually, this article came at the right time. Because I've seriously been going over stuff I've said in a conversation with some friends recently. I was so worried that I came off like an idiot because I know I rambled some. Amanda said I didn't and to chill. LOL. 

I've learned that self esteem issues are still a bitch even at 32. 

In other news, I am waiting to find out how much it is going to cost to get my medical records sent to me. I signed a release form at my old doctor's office. I want to see my records myself because I am not sure I buy what I was told about my ultrasound to look at my ovaries. Amanda's Aunt (who is strange but worked at a hospital) seems to think with the amount of pain I am in just from my period that I have to have some cysts. She thinks because at the time, I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for anything more, that my doctor didn't tell me the whole truth. Well, I really liked that doctor and hope she was honest. I will find out for sure when I get my records. 

I have also managed to do something to my back again. I am not sure when or what exactly, but I have a pinchy, burning, stabbing pain in my lower back again, on top of the dull incessant ache, and I can feel it tightening. This does not make me happy. This is not good. I took some tylenol and decided to just decided to work on the laundry today. We are so backed up and behind from when we were sick. Actually the whole house is getting cleaned this weekend. YAY!!! No really, I will feel much better when everything is put away and I can clean everything to my standards. 

Neighbors, homework, cleaning, and books to knock the creativity back into gear!

Narcisa playing in my summer hat

Please excuse the mess in the picture. When you have a kitty who eats and tears up paper and play with cat litter, it's a little difficult to keep up with her messes.

Yesterday Amanda's parents left for Seattle for their own little vacation, which means that Amanda and I get the house to ourselves. I spent the day yesterday reading in the living room. It was so nice. I had the curtains open too. We had the TV on but only because we can play Pandora through the Bluray player and that was on very low. We did watch a movie called The Quiet Ones, which I thought was pretty interesting. 

Since Amanda's parents are gone and it is just us until Fiona comes to visit tomorrow, and I am spending more time out of our bedroom, I need clean space. So I scrubbed down the kitchen last night and the bar. The dining room is going to take more work than I can do on my own. The living room needs a good dusting and vacuuming. Of course a few things need to be out away. Otherwise I have been working on laundry. I managed to get most of our bathroom clean the other day. However, the floor needs mopping. Amanda, like always, had to clean the shower for me, which she did this morning before work. I think, with a little help, I will be able to get the house presentable tomorrow. Today, however, I have to work on homework. 

This last week has been one big blow off for me as far as school work has been concerned.

I think I just needed to recharge a little. I spent most of yesterday reading. Tuesday I think I played on the computer off and on and went to Spokane Valley to take a friend to the  grocery store because her car broke down. 

Monday I spent doing making covers for two more volumes of my Book of Shadows. I think with the two extra volumes, I will be able to organize things better and have more room for said things. 

But I also tried my hand at wire wrapping. I've had a rainbow fluorite pendant since May or June of last year and not really had anything to put it on. I tried putting an O ring through it but didn't have any big enough.. Finally I just decided to order some jewelry wire and give it a go. I'd also recently bought a mermaid pendant from Joann's crafts and knew the rainbow fluorite would look amazing with it. After about three tries, using my fingers, flat nosed jewelry pliers, and a chopstick, I ended up with this. 

  

The picture is a little dark, but I think it turned out pretty well for my first piece. I have some adventurine pendants my Mother gave me that I would like to try wrapping, but that will have to wait until I am caught up with homework. 

Back to books. I have been reading Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning. It was pretty good and I liked it well enough that I simply had to go to the library yesterday and pick up the next book in the series. Since we took Narcisa with us, I remained in the car with her while Amanda went inside. She found another book while looking for the one I wanted and rented it too. It's about Elves and she thought I would enjoy it. I probably will. 

Anyway, because I took a break from homework and did somethings I have wanted to do for myself and read a book that I wanted, I've had some pretty wacky dreams. Furthermore, I have such an itch to write. Amanda thinks I should just do it but when I start writing I kind of get a bit obsessed and I love that. Which is why I can't really devote the time I would love to devote to it right now. I don't want to start then have to stop because of stupid homework. It will all be much easier when I can iron out a decent schedule. You have no idea how hard that has been in this house. Half of it is other people he other half is me. The part that's me is the total people pleasing nature I can't seem to kick. Then again, why should I kick it completely?  

Oh one of the books I ordered when ordering my textbooks for school next term came yesterday. It is called Frey, God of the World by Ann Groa Sheffield. I bought it used and it just so happens that this copy was autographed by the author! It had a nice message to what I think is a very good friend of the author and I wonder how exactly the book came up for sale. Did the owner pass away and her family give her possessions away? Did she decide to pass her book along? Did she lose it? Either way, this book is made even more special. I love autographed copies by authors.

Lastly, last night our neighbor came over and we talked with her for 5 hours. She's really nice and needed some pointers on homework. We talked about all manner of things and I think we are going to try to get together tomorrow or Saturday night and have drinks around the patio fire pit at her place.   

Recently acquired books and DVDs, needing some girly self care, and some study music.

First, I just wanted to share a new musician I came across via Pandora. Karunesh turned up on my Zen Station- which I typically have playing in the background while doing homework. Evening Reflections is probably one of my favorite songs and if you do decide to listen to it, wait until it gets about 2 and half minutes in, it's worth it.

Hastings had a 2 for $10 deal on books $7.99 or less. So, I grabbed Ghosts of Ascalon and like the book advertises, yes, it is a book based off the Guild Wars game. I'd actually borrowed it from the library last year but didn't have a chance to really read it. Now that I have Guild Wars 2, I decided I should probably finish GW1 and read the books between the end of GW1 and GW2. 

This was the book I had originally gone into Hasting's for. I don't like the cover art and think the cover art from the 2nd book in this series was much better. Anyway, I am really excited to read this one... Assuming I can get a break in homework long enough. 

Occasionally Amanda and I find interesting books at 2nd hand stores. This is just one of a few that we found the other day when we took Fiona to meet her Mom. 

Another from the 2nd hand store. Amanda seemed to think I needed as many fun books as possible. 

These two DVDs are also thrift store finds and part of a set. But where the rest of the set is, I don't know. I'm always interested in see something educational like this and since they were on a good deal, I grabbed them. 

I am a Rogers and Hammerstein's girl and weird as it sounds WW2 movie lover. So when I found this at the thriftstore, still wrapped in plastic, unopened or tampered with for 50 cents, I snatched it from the shelf. 

Lately I have been neglecting myself because of depression, chronic pain, and school overload. I haven't done many of the things or personal rituals I would normally do, or have been trying to get myself back into doing. The last time I dyed my hair was last summer. I can't remember the last time I painted my nails or did a facial mask. Or even took care of my feet outside of washing them. So, depending on how much homework I get finished tomorrow... which is actually now today, I am going to do some of those things. It's time to pluck the eyebrows, break out the facial scrub, body scrub- a friend gave Amanda and I a soft bubbling scrub from the Haus of Gloi called Persephone's Decent that's simple luscious!  I also want to do my nails, take care of my feet, and possibly dye my hair again. I'll dye it black, like usual, because I don't like the kind of mousy-brown my natural color is, but I was thinking about doing purple streaks too. I haven't decided and getting proper hair bleach and purple dye can get expensive. I already have the back dye so I might just stick with that. 

 I've been thinking about tea, meditation, and later watching a movie to go along with it. 

Girl Music, preachy relatives, feeling a little more Halloweeny, trips to the park

How I feel every morning

This morning I awoke feeling like what my Mother calls "death warmed over". My whole body ached and my back was so tight and locked up that I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. Not the happiest way to start the morning. I did have a very disturbing Tom Hiddleston dream if that's any consolation. Really disturbing, enough so that I don't really want to walk about it. 

But I got up and took Amanda to work then drove to Corbin Park, which is between her work and the library. The human traffic is more prevalent there since it double as a Frisbee Golf course and its Saturday. I parked facing the river, rolled down the windows, and pulled out my laptop to start a story for my writing class. I actually started one the day before yesterday but really wasn't feeling it so changed gears, never mind that one of them is due tomorrow along with my mid-term paper for my other class... Anyway it was nice, had a nice cross breeze too and had I not had to find a bathroom, I might have stayed until the battery ran out on my laptop. 

I didn't end up doing that much today. Read and felt so tired and awful that I took a nap for a couple of hour before going to pick Amanda up from work. After which I made dinner. I pretty much feel worse than I did earlier and wish I could just crawl into bed and sleep. However, what sucks the most about this is no matter how exhausted I am physically from pain, my brain is still awake and moving so sleep is out of the question for awhile. Plus, homework. 

I've been to the park a few other times this week. I went one afternoon and called my Aunt Laura. We had a pleasant enough conversation, she didn't talk shit on anyone I actually care about for too long (My Mom- her identical twin- or my Cousin Shi-Chan). She's decided to entertain the Mormons. I don't know how she managed that. She never really leaves her house and groups like that aren't supposed to be going through the community where she lives. Oh well. So she preached at me a little. And the next day my Grandmother preached at me while asking about the UU Church I go to. Well, I don't actually go to it, I go to the events and meetings held by the IEPG, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her that.

But tonight, Amanda's Mom has been kind of preachy at us and I've just about had it. Damn it, I am pagan and if this woman hasn't figured it out then that's on her. I don't preach at her. Of course this is probably her last little stabs at Amanda since she's so disappointed that neither of her children came out normal. Ugh! Grow up and get over yourself already. She should just be happy that at least one of them still actually loves her and wants to be around her. 

I am feeling the Halloween bug a little more now. Yesterday Amanda and I went to Spokane for some "us" time. We stopped by a Halloween store and now we are talking about costumes and a possible party- assuming we can get anyone to come and her mother doesn't take it over like she does everything else. But I don't want to think about that. 

At the moment neither Amanda and I are doing homework. I am writing this blog and she is playing pengle on facebook. I've got a combination of Pj Havey, Poe, Fiona Apple, and Alanis  Morissette playing in the background. Seriously, I really want to just crawl into bed. Everything hurts. 

Sad Gothic Piano, October, I didn't pull that story off, feeling Vampy today.

I'm supposed to be deeply engrossed in homework today. I've made it as far as the library, into black board (the school platform website thingy) and pulled two stories from other classmates to critique. I've even put my headphones on despite the migraine and am listening to "Sad Gothic Piano" music on youtube. It just sounds like sad piano music but it's soft and not jarring, which is what I need right now. 

Last week's short story assignment was a major bust, in my opinion. Amanda said she liked it but I don't know, it doesn't feel right to me. Of course I only had a 1,000 word count to work with and I think that story might need a tad more. I don't know, I will look at it again when I'm not so pissed at it. Amanda also said it could be the start of a book. Which it really could be and that's probably the problem. Hey, at least I recognize that. However, it kind of sucks because I really wanted to have it polished and ready for Haunted Humpday. So, what I might do is rework it after I write this weeks assignment up, and see how I feel about it then. I don't necessarily have a word count here or for myself, so I can tweak it and make it just a bit longer if I need too.

As far as me feeling Vampy today, that has to do with the subject of the next short story assignment. I want to write about a vampire. I haven't written about one for this class and I think in writing one it will help to inspire me to get back to work on one or both of my books. I'm not going to be a published author if I don't have a damn book finished. (there are lots of reasons why I haven't been writing, but I am going to force myself to do it, that way when we finally get out and away from the reasons why, I can just fall right into it easily). 

October is going to be one of the busiest months of my life! Aside from ending one term of school and starting the next, we have a pumpkin potluck, birthdays, a going away party for a friend, pagan classes, pagan meetups, a Samhain celebration, maybe a Halloween party- possibly two, our 7 year anniversary, and actual Halloween. We also have to pay off some bills and get the cars looked at. Amanda is still looking at other jobs to get us out of her parents house and over to Spokane. I also want to get into the doctor and get some blood work done. But that's all next month. For now, I just need to focus on what's in front of me. 

Back to homework it is.  

Egg Rolls, little scratches, OCD, Lana Del Rey, and books...

 Some time ago I heard "Dark Paradise" by Lana Del Rey, in a Hasting's in Spokane Valley. I fell in love with it and when Skoora and I got home, we looked it up. Since then I've heard "Summertime Sadness" and loved it too. So, I went to Youtube to see if I liked some of Lana Del Rey's other songs. I think my favorites aside from the two aforementioned are "Ride" and "Blue Jeans".  Poor Skoora has had to listen to Lana Del Rey for the last couple of days intermittently. I am very eclectic in my musical tastes but I tend to gravitate toward Darkwave, Gothic, Folkmetal, ect... Skoora is more of Rock and Punk or Glam Rock person. David Bowie is her favorite! But sometimes, we just hear stuff that's different and really strikes a chord.

Narcisa is fitting in quite well. Galen and Ellie are both playing with her and there had even been some tentative grooming between them. However, Narcisa, no matter how cute and lovable she is, is kind of a little bitch. She's managed to push Galen off the kitty tower, is kind of a brat to him every time he's on it, and loves to go for his tail. She also bitches if we pick her up and hold her when she wants to play and make a mess. She's managed to repeatedly knock over two different stacks of Skoora's books. She's also scratched us both up (we will be trimming her little claws tomorrow). Her favorite thing to do is attack our legs and feet when we are in bed. Did I mention that she's pretty much ruined the sheer curtains in the living room? But in doing that she also gets excited and runs head first into the patio door. I'd say it's Karma for my legs and curtains if I wasn't worried about kitten brain damage.

I've been reading a lot lately. It's about the only thing that really distracts me from everything that's bothering me, things I can do nothing about and have to continue to deal with, ect... I am in love with Vlad Tepesh in Jeanine Frost's Night Huntress and Night Prince Series. He's just a fun character.

I am having trouble donating plasma lately and we really need the money from it. Skoora hasn't been getting a lot of hours at work so we are hurting pretty bad again. It seems like every time I have gone to donate the last 3 or 4, maybe even 5 times, there has always bee something they use to turn me away. It's not their fault or even really my fault. I'm anemic, my heart rate is sometimes up too high, or my blood pressure. I think the latter two go hand in hand with the stress in our lives at the moment, but the anemia is really worrying me. I'm even taking Iron supplements.  The nurse on duty told me how to kind of get around the anemia issue, but I don't know if that will work, and if it does, will I get turned away for being too stressed over worrying about that and everything else? And when I go with Skoora and get turned away, I always have to sit in the waiting room to wait on Skoora to finish. The staff always watch me and I can here them talk about me and why I am sitting there. It's quite uncomfortable.

Lastly, because Skoora is making all the motions of getting into bed, I made a huge dinner tonight. I made cream cheese and onion won tons, egg rolls, and chicken chow mein. I used the left over won ton wrappers to make a strawberry tart thing with a yogurt rum sauce (that was surprisingly good). Sometimes I get in the kitchen and just throw shit together and bam, surprisingly delightful food. Skoora calls me her Macguiver chef.

Anyway after we'd eaten far too much, I had an ocd moment and decided I was going to clean the kitchen. Really clean it. Skoora's Dad usually does the after dinner clean up and he doesn't always do what I would do if I didn't feel like crap by the time dinner is finished. I still have to clean the top of the refrigerator, wash down a couple of cabinets, clean the bar, and mop the floor, but everything else has been done. And, subsequently, I feel shit, my back is screaming obscenities at me, and I just don't have the wherewithal to even look at my homework. So, I am going to bed and will deal with the rest of it tomorrow... or rather later today since it's after 1 am now. Oh and one more thing, my Mom's birthday was yesterday. I called her but I really wish she could have been here or that I could have been there to celebrate with her, even though she doesn't really like to celebrate anything...ever... My Mom can be a stick in the mud that was sometimes. So, I make her.

Getting back on the wagon...

Wow, he's pretty!

Rocking out to a Gothic tag radio on LastFm. It;s really nice to hear bands I haven't heard for awhile. I have an app on my kindle fire that plays a German Gothic station but it doesn't tell me who the bands are, so unless I recognize one, I'm left wondering who is playing. And for some reason I can't seem to find which station it is on the internet-not that I have looked very hard. But given recent circumstances, I haven't done much of anything productive per se.

I've done some laundry, dyed my hair back to the usual black, and registered for my 4th term of school. I've ordered my textbooks, bought Skoora and I a much needed book shelf, and filled the car up with gas. I've also bought my meds and replaced some of the things we were out of. I haven't started any of the sewing stuff but I did attend a class done by my pagan group about essential oils.  

Saying that I miss my Yoda-Chan is an understatement. I bought a picture frame and ordered some prints of photos I had of him and made a sort of memorial for him. I've also removed his bed from under the bathroom sink because every time I went in there I kept wanting to open the door and check on him. It's habit. Most of the time I am okay but sometimes a bouts of hurt and sadness leak out. This is where I feel like I must be broken somewhere. I know, from far too much experience, that grief comes in waves. I've lost a lot of family members to various things: cancer, old age, sickness, stroke ect... I've known death wasn't far off for some and some were taken so suddenly it was a shock. I've even been in the room when the machines were turned off on a Grandmother and listened to her die. I could have left, but I wanted her to know I was there. Either way, you'd think I would be used to this. I know all the song and dance for funerals, cleaning out houses, dividing stuff, and dealing with bills and such. And I have lost kitties before too. I don't, maybe after the last couple of years I just don't handle things as well as I used to. But maybe I think I should have for an extension for this week instead of last week for my homework. Seems like I shut off until about a week after someone I care about dies. I shut down just enough to go through the motions of taking care of business.

Well, it's not going to do me any good now. I have a paper to write and far too much text book and article reading. Skoora thinks the amount of reading I have to do isn't necessary and when she gets home tomorrow (Yay, she'll be back from Boston!) she said she was going to help me break it down. Apparently I am doing more than I have to. I didn't think so. I was doing what I was assigned. Oh well, if there is a way to do less work and still get a fantastic grade, great. Honestly, though, I don't really care about this WW2 class anymore. I was really excited for it in the beginning. But we aren't learning about German propaganda, the Thule Society, or even much about the Third Reich. There's some really cool stuff, but mostly its all who attacked who when, battle lines, and what kind of technology/machinery/weapons being used. That's cool and all, but not what I was looking for. It also doesn't help that my cat died or that I have been completely bogged down and stressed out just about getting the weekly assignments done aside from the big thesis paper. For someone who reads slow and has some dyslexia issues... yeah. Well, I will suck it up and get on with my life. I just don't care if I get above a B... hell, at this point, I just want to pass the class and call it good. Which really isn't like me at all. I'm kind of one of those people who shoots for the A grade all the time. 

Skoora and I have been talking little bits here and there. I have decided that I want another kitty. It won't replace Yoda, no kitty ever could. Galen is kind of a jerk and he won't cuddle with me. Not saying he isn't good enough or that I don't love him because I really do, he's just a cat with a different temperament- that and I think he might be autistic, if cats can be autistic. I am being serious. Right now he's curled up on my bed sleeping. Anyway, the local humane society is running a summer adoption special and it's this month only. So we kind of have to get on it when Skoora gets back. I seem to connect better with male cats, not sure why that is, so I've kind of been looking at the boys on the site. Still I would never turn down a girl kitty if she called to me.  I even made a list of names I like. I mean, since I can't have human children, it's kind of fun to look at names for animal children. Skoora only likes a couple of the names and not the ones I am really feeling either.  She likes Konstantin and Narcisa and suggested Alistair be added to the list. Personally, I really like Cosmina, Drahomira and Sorina for girl names. For boy names, I like Radek, Radomir, Dragos, Fane, and Kostya. But that's just me. 

Anyway, since Skoora told me to relax and take the night off, I am going to do just that. I've been kind of panicking, restless, and weepy all day. I'll probably break out the coloring books and colored pencils or something, listen to music, maybe watch a movie and take a shower. I kind of want to do my nails. I haven't really done much of anything too girly for myself in awhile. Then again, I kind of want to write too. I've kind of been feeling the urge and I am not quite sure what's keeping me from actually doing it. I wonder if I am afraid of something? Honestly through some self reflection, emotionally or mentally or both, I've realized that I have a few blocks that I need to punch through. I know they are there, I'm just not sure what all of them are. *sigh* 

Good Cat/Bad Cat, A few hours of free time, getting ready for the weekend!

This morning I've been up a little earlier than usual. I've watched a movie, eaten breakfast, and fed the cats. Yoda has had his insulin shot, I've looked at the usual morning internet stuff, and I've looked at the lists for the camping trip this weekend. Skoora was a tiny bit industrious this morning as well. She read me a little bit of her Creative Thesis to get my opinion on a section, she took a shower, and headed off to work. 

The last couple of days I've had mild panic attacks first thing in the morning. I wish I could say that wasn't a normal occurrence, but it hadn't happened for awhile. This morning was blessedly different. I awoke in a good mood despite the usual morning back and body pain and aches. It has to be the excitement of finishing up all of the homework for this term and the camping trip this weekend. Actually, I'm not totally finished with this term, I have to answer questions anyone asks me about my humanities paper. I've already checked to see if anyone has posted any and no one has as of yet. But, knowing most of the posting patterns of a good majority of my classmates, they probably won't get around to it until Sunday. Which is fine, I will be home on Sunday and will have ample time to respond if anyone asks me anything. 

Yoda has been very bloated and we think backed up. So we've fed him pumpkin to help him out. He seems to like it well enough. Sadly, he decided to leave me a present under my desk. I was on the phone with my Dad at the time and didn't know whether to scold him or congratulate him. So I said, "Bad cat, good cat"! My Dad laughed. 

While waiting for my friend from Kellogg to arrive, I find myself with an hour or so of free time. There are so many things I would love to do. From watching movies, an anime, reading all the books I haven't gotten to and have had to set aside for text books, to even writing. Gods, even drawing. I've wanted to find a stock photo of a pose I like and buy it so I could use it as the form for a painting I want to do. I have three blank, new canvases just sitting in my room begging for paint. But instead, I find myself tailoring a Pandora station to play mostly H.I.M. and blog writing.

Before Skoora and I started dating almost seven years ago, she introduced me to H.I.M. Right after I'd stumbled on a Gothic/darkwave/new wave/industrial internet radio station (R1 Das Darkwave- which is no longer in existence much to my dismay-). We both love a variety of music and had been suggesting bands to each other. I was in love from the very first song I heard. Ville Valo's voice is wonderful and I really enjoy the music he and his band put out. Sadly, I haven't been able to buy all the albums, that is a work in progress. Until then, and especially this now afternoon, I've happily cranked up the volume, and realized just how much I've missed all the days like this. Where I or we could just turn up the music, let it fill the room, and really enjoy it. 

Well, I hope everyone has a great day and a fantastic Litha- if you celebrate it- weekend. I am going to work on some more blogs whilst I wait for my friend to arrive and rock out to my music. I plan to take the camera this weekend so I might have some pictures to share later.