ER- Night and Day.

While some of you follow me on facebook, some of do not. Count yourselves lucky, while I vent on my blog, I sort of had two freak outs on facebook. I don't normally, but it happened. I have also been doing a few updates on my situation there. Anyway, I thought I should do an update here as well.

I did go to the Emergency Room, finally. It took a lot of pain, tons of bleeding, pure exhaustion, and Amanda calling my Mom, and having my mother order me to go. I was hesitant to go for three reasons. 

1. I don't like medical people touching me don there. I have mistrust from an event in my childhood. I was 5 or 6 and the tube between my bladder and kidneys was not closing and causing back was of urine and making me sick. A tech was doing a probe/ catheter sort of thing and got it stuck in my urethra and basically yanked it out. I remember my mother chewing her out. I remember the pain and sobbing over it. Later when I had surgery to correct the problem, the doctors wouldn't let my mom come with me or let me wear my underwear. It was terrifying, uncomfortable, has never left my mind.

2. I was afraid of how I would be treated. the last time I went for this, the hospital I went to was simply awful to me. 

3. Sometimes, I think, unconsciously, I need permission to do big things. I don't understand why and it is something that I am trying to work on.

Okay, so here is what happened. I went. The doctor who saw me was at first, a little skeptical. He explained what I already knew and I told him as much, and then explained that this was much worse than it should be. He decided to monitor my vitals every 30 minutes and run some blood work. He got a copy of my previous blood work as well, and had a little chat with an OBGYN at the OBGYN office I go to.  After a bit he returned to tell me that a normal persons hemoglobin is stupposed to be between 12 and 16 points. My intial blood work states that I was at 9 and anemic. My doctor had prescribed iron supplements to help. My blood work at the hospital revealed that I am not at 7.5 and that's really not good. The doctor was saying without saying "you're bleeding to death." He prescribed a different hormone regimen to slow down or stop my bleeding. Next he prescribed anti-nausea medication and some pain medication. I expressed that I have been taking Advil and it wasn't cutting it, but that I wasn't trolling for drugs, just something to make this tolerable. 

(you should have seen how my blood pressure went from high back to a normal level when the pain began to ease, it was fascinating to watch)

Now this doctor did some other things too. He insisted to the OBGYN he spoke to my OBGYN needs to see me this week, as soon as possible. He also told me that if the bleeding does not stop, if it gets worse, or if I feel woozy, dizzy, or unsafe, to get my butt back into the ER and he would hospitalize me to get the bleeding to stop and to stabilize me. 

This experience was so positive it really puts my previous experience that much more to shame. I was telling my Dad about both and he told me that the previous hospital I went to was used to junkies coming in and trolling for drugs. That shouldn't matter, I hadn't been. I just wanted to pain and bleeding to stop, and they treated me horribly. I am so much happier with the hospital I went to yesterday, you have no idea. Amanda and I both want to write "thank you" letters to the doctor and staff who saw me. 

As of right now, I do have an appointment with my OBGYN on Thursday. hopefully the ER visit will be the push to get my hysterectomy sooner rather than later. As for my bleeding- since beginning the new hormone regimen, the bleeding is down, I feel more awake and alive. I actually think I might be able to sleep in my bed tonight instead of sitting up on the sofa with towels beneath me. 

I do have a confession to make. When all of this is said and done, and my hysterectomy has taken place, I am getting cute underwear and cute pajamas! It will be so heavenly to have things won't have blood all over them!       

Happy Lunar Near Year, hospital is looking more and more appealing, yesterday was almost a complete disaster.

Happy Lunar New Year! Assuming Amanda and I can muster the energy, we are planning to make Chinese food for dinner. I am trying to keep going despite everything going on and this was something I really wanted to do. Okay, so my Chinese food will consist of Egg flower soup and sesame balls with a main dish of Katsudon (which is actually a Japanese dish, but Amanda wanted it), but they are easy, quick things I can make. 

On to yesterday's nightmare. I woke up early to go to the bathroom and to drink 16 ounces of water for my ultrasound an hour and a half before my appointment. Except that first thing in the morning, the first liquids I drink typically go straight through me. On top of that, having an ever pressing need to pee seemed to aggravate the cramps from this revenge period all the more. I had already awoken angry because I knew I had overfilled my pad and was going to have to do some exhausting clean up. On top of that, I was in pain, hungry, and knew the ultrasound was going to be painful because ever ultrasound technician I have ever had seems to delight in digging that damned thing into me. 

Well, I arrived at my appointment to have the receptionist on the phone. Okay, no big, I can wait. But when she was finally off the phone, I told her who I was and what I was there for. She looked at me confused and informed me that they don't do ultrasounds at that location. I lost it a little. I lost it because I had expressly asked the woman that I had made the appointment with, if both the appointments we were making were at the Liberty Lake location. She said yes, so I wrote them down and even got the street name from her. She fucking lied! Granted the extent of me losing with was in a raised voice exclaiming "WHAT?!" and then me quickly apologizing to the woman, telling her it wasn't her, and then asking if I could use the bathroom straight away. 

Now, what I was in the bathroom, Amanda was out in the waiting room for a few minutes and the receptionist didn't ask her anything, didn't tell her anything, didn't even offer to call the other location and tell them we were late. Nothing, she just sat there, completely unhelpful. I on the other hand was in the bathroom making a mess on the floor and had to have Amanda come in and help me clean blood off their toilet and floor. 

During the 15 minutes it took us to drive back to Spokane Valley and swing by McDonalds (because I was really hungry thanks to trying to do a fast for blood work and I said fuck it to due to number of people in the office and my horrible cramps) and finally get home. I had over filled my pad so much that it was literally dripping when I took it off. I also had a very large clot. I cleaned up as much as I could and just went into the living room, and lividly sat crying off and on. Getting up every so often to change my pads and clean up. I vented about it even on facebook and a couple of my friends want to have "Come to Jesus" talk with the doctor, to tell him that the behavior of his receptionists are unacceptable and so on. Other people are sympathetic. Others want me to go to the ER or the hospital. My resistance in going to the ER or the hospital is that I have been down that road before. All they will do is give me Advil, make me wait there for several hours, have a dozen or so people interrogate me and ignore me, and then send me home. Why go through all that when I can just take the Advil from the comfort of my own home?

In effort to distract myself from all of it, I watched an anime with Amanda. Our friend Rachel came over to dye her hair and I decided to do the same. I wasn't going anywhere, it really doesn't take that long, and it might make me feel a little better- at least mentally. Amanda did it for me, all I had to do was sit on a chair. It really was a nice distraction. 

Today however, the hospital idea is looking more and more appealing. I ate 4 Advil two hours after I woke up this morning, it did slow some of the bleeding down, but not by much. It has helped the cramps a tiny bit, but I have been a bit woozy and although I am eating as much protein and iron rich foods- tuna, red meat, and salad- as I can, I am still very weak and more often than naught cold. I talked myself out of going to the hospital twice today, telling myself that I can deal, I can handle this, I'm not going to waste my time or Amanda's in going. But now, despite trying to stay hydrated, I'm dehydrated and having all the problems that go along with that. So, it is a very real possibility that may end up there during the night, if only so they can help me get re-hydrated safely. We will see. 

Pulling back, pretty stickers, Evil Supply Co., and the sky makes me happy.

Evil Supply co.

Because the political scene is so infuriating and I'm already having a horrible day physically, I decided to pull away from that and focus on happier things.  But first...

Revenge period update: I'm filling pads every half hour. I'm tired as hell. I've had enough of a shower to try to clean myself up and I'm not sure that it did much good because I barely got a towel between my legs to catch the blood while I tried to dry off and get dressed again. I now have to clean the bathtub and toilet and the bathroom floor, and there's another load of laundry to do.  I have taken 4 Advil to help with pain and in the hopes that it will help slow the bleeding down. My friend Chris is coming at 2 this afternoon to hang out with me. She was coming for dinner anyway, but I asked her to come early just in case I pass out or need to go to the hospital. Not that I want to go, I know they won't do anything for me. I'm just supposed to bleed to death and shut up about it. Sorry, that was incredibly negative.

The sky is overcast today and if I wasn't running about in a night gown, I would open the curtains to enjoy it more. Still, it makes me so happy. Overcast days are beautiful to me. 

The above picture is from a stationary and paper supply company I stumbled upon. I love them! Evil Supply Co. has the cutest, fun, gothy stationary, strikers, patches, and notebooks. They are pretty affordable as well. I ordered a couple of notebooks for friends for Xmas and a couple for Amanda and I. When placing that order, I ordered the one time mystery box. It came yesterday and I love everything that came inside. We received 4 stickers, their little themed news paper, two notebooks, a patch, a card and envelope, and an art print. 

Last night was a printing night for me. Amanda bought me sticker paper for Yule/Xmas and printer ink. A friend turned me on to printing affirmations on sticker paper (well, she used vinyl paper) and I really liked that idea. I already got the paper for planner stickers anyway, so why not? Now, I already printed some affirmations out a couple of weeks ago, but last night I did a few more for a specific purpose. I'm making manifestation boards/ posters for above my desk here are just a few. 

I love Lily Munster

 

I also printed out a few Voltron pics for Amanda to put in her journal, like this one, with Shiro, because he is my favorite. 

I need to do a little more printing today, I have some planner stickers that I accidentally printed on the wrong side of the paper last time, and I found a couple ore free ones on pinterest. That is if I don't fall asleep first.

I am trying to stay seated at my desk and trying to write little things such as this blog, in the hopes that I don't just sleep all day from this period crap. I kind of want to be able to get up and go to the bathroom instead of waking up to a mess, if that makes sense. 

But aside from all of that, I put together a list of crafts that I would like to do this spring and hopefully I can showcase those as they are finished. They kind of have to be easy, quick, and inexpensive crafts because we are trying to get things together for our wedding in October. 

The Trump thing, The Planed Parenthood thing, catching it from both sides of the field.

Found on pinterest

Normally, I don't really do these kinds of posts and when I have, they have been few and far between. There is always someone who wants to make a stink about them, call me uneducated, or drag me through the dirt for my opinions despite the fact that my opinions are just as valid as theirs and while they might differ, they do not make me evil.  So this is my take on the political scene here in America. 

Keep in mind that I hear arguments from both sides- conservative and liberal. 

The Planned Parenthood issue. Abortions are not the only services Planned Parenthood offer. however, my Dad mentioned that Planned Parenthood's main function is abortions. I don't truly agree with that assessment, besides, wouldn't you rather have a professional do it than have someone die from trying to do it themselves or an unprofessional do it? Personally, abortion is not for me, but I will never tell anyone else what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. I am not them. My opinion doesn't really matter, nor do my values or belief system. Do I want to pay for someone to have an abortion, no, not really, not unless it is a medical necessity, but I would much rather pay for an abortion than have to pay for the growing welfare problem (one which I am part of by my need for food stamps and health care at the moment), but either way, it is what it is and I think P.P. is a good thing to have around. 

In addition to Planned Parenthood, we seriously need to revamp the sexual education approach in our schools. I know a lot of parents don't like the school teaching their kids about this, but a lot of parents are too uncomfortable to talk to their kids about it in the first place. Sex education should not just be one class in primary school and one class in high school. It needs to be addressed all the time. The problem is people are coming away from school not knowing basic things. People aren't seeing that actions and choices have consequences, some of the irreversible, permanent, and life threatening. Of course this doesn't mean that it will stop people from making mistakes or that they will even heed warnings or pay attention to information, but it will help those that do and for those that make mistakes, they will have some knowledge of how to go about dealing with issues. 

And in addition to that, someone needs to take the girls aside and tell them about the different complications that can arise with their own bodies as far as cancer and their periods. So we don't have women in their 30s desperately trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when they have an on going period for years. So we don't have people in so much pain and not knowing why. Because doctors won't tell you, they just pass it off. You don't get real answers unless you do your own research and you go to a gynecologist. We also need to have doctors who stop fighting women on getting hysterectomies. Sometimes, the shit just needs to go. Besides, there are so many children stuck in the system, who are unwanted, that we women who couldn't have children if we kept our equipment, could happily adopt and give loving homes to.   Sorry, got off on a small tangent. 

A lot of people are up in arms about being denied access birth control. No, that's not true, what's happening is that it will no longer be free. Which for someone like me, would suck really bad. Because most of the women who take birth control aren't taking it to stop pregnancies they are taking it in hopes of regulating their periods. So, yeah, I think its kind of shitty. And yes, I do see it as another hit against women in general. Men don't have these problems, so why would they care? 

On to the Trump issue. First of all, I don't like him. I think he is a complete moron, I don't think he really understood what he was getting himself into, and I am not looking forward to the next four years and I think he is a complete sexist twat waffle. Also, I hate the racism and sexism his campaign incited. Did I think Hillary was better, fuck no! I can't stand scheming, lying criminal father than I can throw her and since I'm not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds, I can't throw her at all. Do I think she was better qualified, no, not really, but at least she had a clue to some extent. She might have also fought for women's rights. But she lost and he won. 

I was looking over Trump's within the 1st 100 days policies and to be honest, some of them weren't too bad (a lot was trash). If he does what he says he is going to do on the stuff that was half way decent. However, I don't have any hope that they will come into fruition. I think that he is far too focused on what the media thinks about him to really care about anything serious. And I'm vastly alarmed over the fact that I saw an article where in he issued a media black out on the EPA and USDA. Apparently he doesn't buy into global warming. That's fine, but once you start issuing media blackouts on things where does it stop? How soon before- and I am really going out there- we end up like Hitler run Germany? I mean maybe it won't get like that, but then again, a lot of people believed Trump wouldn't win and that Bernie Sanders had a shot. Well the media did everything they could to push him out of the running despite everything.

**Edit- because I write this yesterday- the media black out was confirmed for me, and I am pissed about the keystone pipeline decision. How does that benefit America? It doesn't, it benefits him!

Further, I don't like some of his cabinet. His vice president disgusts me. The woman he wants for the secretary of education is terrible and I think the only reason he wants her is because she is a woman and that might make him look better. Frankly, I would much rather have my Aunt M. who is the grand poobah of early childhood education and development for the state of Nebraska as the secretary of education be at least with her, I know she actually gives a shit about decent education.

There were a lot of people who were talking about high tailing it to other countries because of Trump. There are people who are have to be in therapy because of the "trauma" of his election (which I kind of see as bullshit, but I'm not them, so my opinion doesn't really matter). How about, instead of whining and trying to immigrate, we do something about it? It's so hard, some might say. We are powerless, others might claim, but no, you're not. 1st get your ass out and vote. Second, get off your butt and fight for what you believe in. Women would never have won the right to vote, if they hadn't. Black people wouldn't have freedom or rights if they hadn't. People don't get shit handed to them, they have to fight for it. It is long, it is dehumanizing, it depressing, and people are gonna lose hope, but if you stop fighting, then you have failed, and you have no right to complain. Believe it or not, you are not entitled to shit. You actually have to earn some things.  

Talked to my Gyno's office this morning...

At the urging of some of my friends, I was going to call my gynecologist's office this morning to talk about the amount of pain, how weak, how much I want to throw up, and so on, things I am experiencing from the withdraw of the progesterone. Well, the gynecologist's office beat me to it and actually called me. They wanted to reschedule the ultrasound I was too sick to go to, schedule more lab work, as well as my biopsy. Okay, that's fine, but when I am expressing to them that I am in a lot of pain, I am completely miserable, and they ignore it, I'm more than a little pissed. 

I can deal with bleeding all over, the fucking huge clots, the fact that I'm going through pads right and left, and can't leave the house because just going to the bathroom takes so much energy out of me. What I can't deal with is the weakness, the rampant nausea, and feeling like I'm being torn apart from the inside out. I hurt so bad, the pain is going down both legs and my fucking toenails hurt. I've had panicked crying fits, panic attacks, and have been fighting urges to claw at my skin and cut my own uterus. But, nope, the lady on the phone could give a fuck. Such is life. 

Never leaving the red tent, pretty art, Voltron, cat

Blossom to Stars by Neshad

I have finished off the progesterone pills my GYN gave me. The hope was that they would shut my period off, my uterus would build up more lining to shed, and then when the pills were done, I would have a revenge period to shed that lining and then the doctor could go in to check for cancer, because if there is any, he would have to approach the surgery a different way. Well, not only did the progesterone not shut my period off- only lightened it a little- it caused me to have more cramps and nausea. Now that the piss are finished, I am bleeding a little more, and last night the cramps were so terrible I was sobbing, ready to vomit, and kept going between hot and cold. Today is a little better, but then again, I just woke up.   

Because I have been feeling so crappy, I decided that I need to look at some of the art I have saved on my Pinterest "Beautiful Art" board. The one above won out. Along with the art, we have my Zen station playing on Pandora, mostly to help keep the tension of my ailments and Amanda's frustration with the cats at the moment, down.

Amanda was home yesterday because she did catch the cold I caught from our friend Tsuki. We spent the majority of the day on the sofa sleeping. While not sleeping we watched a comedy special, a travel show, and Voltron: Legendary Defender. We watched all of season 2 in one sitting and it was awesome! Both of us are really sad because now we have to wait for season 3 and who knows how long it will be before it comes out, but I think the wait will be worth it. 

Since Amanda was out sick yesterday and has today off, she's trying to get a few things done around the house. The cats approve, but want to get in on the action- which is really driving her nuts. Both kitties are underfoot. This is quite different from yesterday's cuddle fest from Throin. He was either curled up on me or cuddled up on Amanda. Narcisa spent the majority of the day in the bedroom. 

Bat Fit 2017 Update pt 2., Long Way Round

Picking up were I left off, I've got one final portion to the beauty health section and that's what I do for my hair. 

Herbal Essences Color me Happy has been a constant for several years for obvious reasons. 

I used to just use Pantine Pro-V conditioner, the classically clean stuff for a long time, but one day I saw this coconut hydration conditioner. Wary at first, because my hair is a little oily, I decided to do a test run with it. I love it. It made my hair so soft and easier to comb through after a shower. That's a big deal to me, I love having long hair, but I have a tinder head and hair that likes to tangle. And I found that I didn't have to wash my hair as often when using this. I used to go ever other day between washes, now I can extend that two- sometimes three days- depending. 

Now because I have been bleaching my hair, sometimes I feel my hair needs a little extra something. My friend Felicia found this stuff and loves it. I tried it. I don't like the idea of leaving anything in my hair, its gross, so I put this stuff in about every other time I wash my hair, let it soak in, then rinse the majority of it out. I don't get the gross, unclean, greasy feel, and my hair is even softer. 

Now as far as hair spray or gel, I don't use any of that except on a really big occasion. I might use a little mousse on wet hair before I roll my hair up in rollers for the night, but I've done that so few and far between that I've had the same can of mousse for 2 years and it's not half gone. 

2. Writing 

Since my desk is now in a proper place in the living room and has been cleared off- thank you, Amanda- I have a more situated and designated place to work on writing. Previously I had made myself a writing manifestation board but it didn't feel right by the time I was finished with it. I set it aside thinking it was just one of those perfectionist moments, but when the feeling didn't go away, I decided to make another one. I am happier with this one. It has some quote from other authors, some affirmations, as well as some things that inspire some of the things I write. 

Second on the writing progress, is that I am going to actually start planning and contacting people I want to form a writing group with. It is going to be a fairly small group and meetings will be done online. There are a couple of groups here in town but call me paranoid, I don't know any of those people and don't trust others with my writing easily. That and I am just not ready to go hangout with a tone of people that may or may not work out when I can do a small group of people I do know and can trust. 

3. Wedding

We have a location. We have more solid ideas. We have an idea of what we want for dresses and unless Torrid wows us, then I will be making them. Last night our friend Rachel asked us if we had a photographer and offered the services of her boyfriend when we said we didn't. So we have a photographer. 

4. Crafts. 

I am making little fairy balls and will post them when they are finished. Other than that I picked up some elastic for a grocery bag holder project. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices

Not much going on here other than the continuation of the book we are reading.

6. Reading

I decided to stop waiting on Amanda to finish reading Monster Hunter International, and picked that up again. 

7. Quiet time for myself and for Amanda and I together.

We had our friend Fiona up for a visit, but she went home yesterday. Today we are spending a little time together. We are going to nap, probably watch something on netflix, and pick up the house before dinner, showers, and bed. Amanda has been throwing around the words date night, so I am hopeful. I've done the writing manifestation board for myself, started the fairy ball craft, and colored half a picture. That's about all for Bat Fit right now.

My Dad told me about the show Long Way Round where in Ewan McGreagor and his friend Charley- also an actor- ride motor bikes from London to New York heading east. So far I really like the show. But then again I really enjoy travel shows. Long Way Down is about their trip from the Northern tip of Scotland to the southern point of South Africa. I am looking forward to that. Getting to hear Ewan McGreagor's music in some of the show is nice as well. Check it out, it is fun..