Last night my Grandparents gave me some money. I gave ten of it to Skoora for gas right away and quickly hid the rest. I ended up telling Skoora about what I hid a few hours later and perused Amazon to find a few little xmas presents for her since I don't know if I will have a job by then would have the money available to get her something nice. I found three inexpensive things and added them to my cart and this morning placed the order.
We went to the bank to deposit the money and used a little of the rest to get lunch. I know I should have saved the money for food but Grandma also sent me home with some food so I could make dinners for us this week, just enough to get us through until Skoora gets paid. Skoora got really mad at me. She said she felt horrible because I don't have a job and still manage to find ways to get her presents and she has a job and can't seem to manage to get me anything and that I should have used the money for food. That made me feel terrible.
Yes, my intentions were good but also, for the last couple of years I haven't been able to really get her anything so personal and perfect for her, or anything I knew she would really want. Which was why I attacked her wish list on Amazon. I had to sit back and watch as her family and friends all got her things that said they knew her really well and she would really enjoy. It's silly and pathetic but just once I wanted to really get her a few little good xmas presents, things she's been wanting and more to say that I appreciate everything she's being doing for me. So when she got mad at me, I felt like it was all ruined and my efforts meaningless.
After we fought she said she wasn't mad but I almost want to cancel the order. She feels bad because she wasn't able to get me anything for our anniversary and I did. But I explained that her anniversary and a birthday gifts were purchased way in advance and while I was still working so she shouldn't feel bad about those and she shouldn't feel bad about xmas. She has no idea how horrible I feel not being able to find a job or the fear I had of not being able to get her something nice for xmas. She has no idea how excited and relieved I felt to have a little bit of money that I could use for her to make sure she had something and how important I felt it was that she have a good xmas especially after hearing that her parents wouldn't be coming. And her parents aren't coming due to other family members and their bullshit. They are postponing their trip until after xmas which I feel is wrong and feel that Skoora shouldn't have to be made to suffer for the deeds of others.
So in the end, my excitement and comfort in getting a few little xmas gifts for Skoora has been ground into nothing. I'm not going to cancel the order so she will still get them but I don't feel like they will mean much. Also, I can't find my medicine anywhere, which isn't helping, and I kind of just want to go back to bed. I am really starting to hate xmas and my favorite holiday, Halloween, it was as if it never happened, so what holiday spirit or joy is left for me this year?