I decided to write this post in two parts because I have a little more to say than I normally do. So while the first post was kind of a 'good stuff' update, this one is a little more of how things have been since I arrived home.
First I just want to say that I am not thrilled with United Airlines. I would love to give the flight attendants the benefit of the doubt but they were so cranky. I think they were expecting everyone to be bitches to them but no one was gruff or angry that the plane was delayed two hours due to maintenance, at least not that I observed. Frankly, I would rather wait two hours and ride on a safe plane than risk something going wrong and it crashing. In the end I think I much rather prefer Frontier.
Getting home was nice. Skoora and I had dinner out and I really missed her. She had so much to tell me and it was really nice to be able to have a conversation with her that wasn't a text or over the phone. But we pretty much came home, talked for an hour or so, I showed her some pictures, and then we slept. Yoda has been my shadow since I've been home, by the way. He is so happy to see me, so happy to lay on me, and so happy to sleep next to me.
Oh boy did I sleep. I slept all night and woke up yesterday long enough to start going through my mail, go to the store, and have some lunch. Then, because I was hurting so much I went back to bed and slept all day! I really couldn't believe it. Of course we had company, I knew that before I laid down, and I felt really bad about sleeping so long. So I got my butt out of bed and tried really hard to hang out with everyone.
We had dinner and the noise level in the house was a bit louder than usual. I thought, well it's been three weeks of quiet, I just need to get used to it again. Well, it got worse. I tried to play as many rounds of the card game we were playing after dinner as I could before my back was unbearable and the chaos and noise just overwhelmed me. When it got to be too much and I started to panic, I hurried to the bedroom. I wanted to get away before I upset anyone and also because I need to take a minute to breathe.
As usual, nothing goes the way I plan it and I ended up crying and freaking out pretty bad, quietly. Always quietly, I don't want anyone else to know when things get super bad on the off chance it might piss them off. Skoora, my parents, and my cousin Sheena are the only ones who really know exactly how bad it gets. And I will not go into details here just know there are no worries for suicide. Sure, I could do it, but I care too damned much about my parents, family, Skoora, and my cats to hurt them.
One of the things that has been bothering me is how surreal things feel sometimes. I'm not saying that I feel disconnected from myself or reality necessarily, it's just that I will start the day and by the time I go to bed I sometimes ask myself what I did or if I really did this or that and did it really take that long to this task or that task. I suppose it has to do with having to make several life adjustments and the Yo Yo affect I feel from moving, from going to visit people out of town. I don't really feel grounded and the sense of stability I desperately need never quite attainable. It's not for lack of trying.
Lastly, I am really scared for my Cousins and my Aunt. My cousin Tony is so fucking out of control. He hurt me while I was visiting. He got into the car and grabbed my shoulders and collarbones and it hurt so much I wanted to cry. He was trying to be affectionate but he was drunk. Also his ex-girlfriend has been threatening to shoot people because she doesn't like that he left her and went back to his old girlfriend. If that wasn't enough, he refuses to abide by my aunt and Cousin's rule of no drinking while he stays with them and last night he got pissed and beat up Sheena and tried to choke her sister to to death. Screw trying to get him psychiatric help or trying to do interventions. He loves to drink, he's never going to give it up. He loves being a drama queen and playing the woe is me card and never ever taking responsibility for his actions. Fuck him! His ass needs to be in jail where the real bikers can kick his ass.
First I just want to say that I am not thrilled with United Airlines. I would love to give the flight attendants the benefit of the doubt but they were so cranky. I think they were expecting everyone to be bitches to them but no one was gruff or angry that the plane was delayed two hours due to maintenance, at least not that I observed. Frankly, I would rather wait two hours and ride on a safe plane than risk something going wrong and it crashing. In the end I think I much rather prefer Frontier.
Getting home was nice. Skoora and I had dinner out and I really missed her. She had so much to tell me and it was really nice to be able to have a conversation with her that wasn't a text or over the phone. But we pretty much came home, talked for an hour or so, I showed her some pictures, and then we slept. Yoda has been my shadow since I've been home, by the way. He is so happy to see me, so happy to lay on me, and so happy to sleep next to me.
Oh boy did I sleep. I slept all night and woke up yesterday long enough to start going through my mail, go to the store, and have some lunch. Then, because I was hurting so much I went back to bed and slept all day! I really couldn't believe it. Of course we had company, I knew that before I laid down, and I felt really bad about sleeping so long. So I got my butt out of bed and tried really hard to hang out with everyone.
We had dinner and the noise level in the house was a bit louder than usual. I thought, well it's been three weeks of quiet, I just need to get used to it again. Well, it got worse. I tried to play as many rounds of the card game we were playing after dinner as I could before my back was unbearable and the chaos and noise just overwhelmed me. When it got to be too much and I started to panic, I hurried to the bedroom. I wanted to get away before I upset anyone and also because I need to take a minute to breathe.
As usual, nothing goes the way I plan it and I ended up crying and freaking out pretty bad, quietly. Always quietly, I don't want anyone else to know when things get super bad on the off chance it might piss them off. Skoora, my parents, and my cousin Sheena are the only ones who really know exactly how bad it gets. And I will not go into details here just know there are no worries for suicide. Sure, I could do it, but I care too damned much about my parents, family, Skoora, and my cats to hurt them.
One of the things that has been bothering me is how surreal things feel sometimes. I'm not saying that I feel disconnected from myself or reality necessarily, it's just that I will start the day and by the time I go to bed I sometimes ask myself what I did or if I really did this or that and did it really take that long to this task or that task. I suppose it has to do with having to make several life adjustments and the Yo Yo affect I feel from moving, from going to visit people out of town. I don't really feel grounded and the sense of stability I desperately need never quite attainable. It's not for lack of trying.
Lastly, I am really scared for my Cousins and my Aunt. My cousin Tony is so fucking out of control. He hurt me while I was visiting. He got into the car and grabbed my shoulders and collarbones and it hurt so much I wanted to cry. He was trying to be affectionate but he was drunk. Also his ex-girlfriend has been threatening to shoot people because she doesn't like that he left her and went back to his old girlfriend. If that wasn't enough, he refuses to abide by my aunt and Cousin's rule of no drinking while he stays with them and last night he got pissed and beat up Sheena and tried to choke her sister to to death. Screw trying to get him psychiatric help or trying to do interventions. He loves to drink, he's never going to give it up. He loves being a drama queen and playing the woe is me card and never ever taking responsibility for his actions. Fuck him! His ass needs to be in jail where the real bikers can kick his ass.
Glad to hear that you got to do alot of stuff on your trip you wanted to, but sorry about your folks getting the flu and the rest of your family's health problems. :(
ReplyDeleteI understand about the freaking/panicking. But mostly I relate to the silent part of it you mention. Most of the time I can seem very calm even when I'm not. I think I just don't want to be perceived as a 'high maintenance' pain in the ass. So I bury my irritations and discomfort and pain. Then when I'm full and can't stuff anymore, I blow up and then my ex says I've got multiple personalities. He doesn't understand that just because I seem calm sometimes, doesn't mean that I am inside and that I'm not upset, uncomfortable or angry.
I usually end up getting pissed when I've been accommodating about a good many things and it goes unnoticed and I get taken for granted or taken advantage of. That's when I get angry and show it.
I mean, for Chrissake! He's my ex, I'm letting him stay here to help him save money and he seems to think sharing housework is beneath him. Oh, he started out okay. He vacuumed and did some dishes. And then over a course of a few weeks, he slowly stopped doing those things. What? I'd want him to help but if he stopped, that was supposed to be okay?
His ideas of what constitutes fair are a far cry from my ideas. I was hoping things had changed and that we'd be able to save money and buy a two bedroom place to share, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna do all the 'wifely' duties without any of the 'wifely' benefits. In our arguments, I always end up puzzled, bewildered and feeling like he somehow was right or had a point and I end up going along with him until I get my own senses back. Then I'm going, "How the /hell/ did that happen?" :-S
In all my life, I've never met anyone with a bigger undeserved sense of entitlement, except his younger sister.
As for surreality, don't feel too bad. Or at least don't feel like you're so alone. Lots of people have been experiencing various shades of this. Sometimes I'll mention something I /think/ I did or said and the person will look at me, puzzled, and then I wonder if I actually did it or dreamed it. :/ Or just thought about it.
And it seems that I forget more short term memory things than I remember. It's like reality has become elastic somehow, and stretchy. I'm just glad that most of it pertains to things that are basically non-vital and don't cause me any real problems--yet. Most of the time, I just laugh it off. If I have a conflict of what did or did not happen, I usually laugh and say, "Actually, both things happened, but in different dimensions"
In all of existence, nothing's more bizarre than life. :-P
I must have really missed something big somewhere because last I knew you had booted your ex-bro-in-law out and were living alone. I didn't know that you let your ex move in with you.
DeleteHe sounds like a skilled manipulator in a sense that he makes you confused. That's very wrong. This is your house, he is essentially a guest. He needs to remember that while he 'thinks' he is in control and ruler of the roost, you can kick him to the curb anytime.
No, actually my brother-in-law got his disability he was waiting for and then moved out. I don't remember there being any big fight or anything, but when he got the money, I did tell him he'd have to move on. I lived by myself for about a month before letting the ex move in. It was all under the condition of seeing if it could work out as a roommate situation before buying a place and sharing it. I had a discussion about a week ago and told him it wasn't going to work out and that he was going to have to find a place on his own. We got into a big argument about it and I told him to leave and go stay in his garage, which he was living in for two years before I ever asked him to move in here. To just go cool his jets awhile and give me some space. He was renting two garages at the time, one for his stuff and one for himself as he tried to get his extra bikes and parts sold for downpayment money. He moved in here and stopped renting one of the garages. He only has one bike left to register-the one he's going to keep-and one to sell. He should get a nice chunk of cash from that one and have plenty for a downpayment on something cheap. I may be moving down with my son sometime this spring or summer regardless of what happens.
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