Waiting for approval and I think my doctor might be one of those doctors...

We have been busy this last week. Very busy. 

Amanda's mom pretty much moved us out of our bedroom herself. I didn't put up a fight because I felt like crap and had lots of other things I had to do. Like homework. I was also experiencing some rather unpleasant side affects from a new medication my doctor prescribed me but I will get back to that in a few.

First. We have been looking at apartments and got our applications into Valley 206- the apartment we've been dreaming about moving into. Well, Amanda got her approval letter and now I am waiting on mine. I hate waiting for approval. It doesn't make me happy and makes me really uncomfortable and second guess everything. Not that I should have to second guess anything. I should be just fine. 

Second. I am going to try and do Nation Novel Writer's Month again. We're not totally living with Amanda's parents at the moment and I managed to get finish up this term's homework a little early. So I have some time to actually write and the quiet, relaxed atmosphere in which to do it. Of course I am getting a 9 day late start but I am sure I can play catch up just fine. At least I hope. 

Okay on to my doctor. She put me on a new anti depressant. This isn't the first time she's done this. The first time the medication she put me on made me manic. This time, the side affects are so painful and upsetting that I can't handle them. I only two one pill and had two nights and day of colossal headaches- I mean so terrible that I just laid there and seriously considered making Amanda take me to the ER. It takes a lot of pain for me to get to that point. On top of that, the medicine made me want to vomit, made me jittery as hell, and oh yeah did I mention that it make me talk too fast? When I told my Mom about it and then told her that some possible side affect I could get were limb jumping and glaucoma, she told me to get off the meds asap! So I called my doctor and told her that the medicine was making me sick, listed my symptoms. She told me to keep taking it for three more days. Uh, no! I don't think so. I know it is a new medication but I am not a guinea pig. 

So, tomorrow, I am going to call my doctor again and ask to be put back on what I was on and maybe tweak the dose. At least that medication is affordable and I know how it reacts with me.

Amanda and I finally had a date night. We went to Ross and looked around the store and then we went to dinner. It was really nice. We haven't been ale to really been able to spend one on one time together in awhile. 

Oh, I'm trying to quit smoking again. I'm on day two and so far so good. 

Other than that, I have a whole week of writing, waiting, research for some classes I am going to teach for the IEPG, and just general relaxing.  I am still a bit scatter brained to really write much else. 

Awful doesn't even begin to cover how I feel, cats, my college sent my name to someone...

Our Kitties

Oh look, I made silly cat picture thing and the pic was taken with my shitty phone camera (the phone is way out dated but if it ain't broke, don't replace it? Actually it beeps at me all the time and is so annoying but I am too stubborn to drop over $100 on cell phone). Anyway the kitties are from front to back, Ellie, Narcisa, and then Galen.

A short update on Narcisa: She is a little rambunctious pest! I love her so much! She is lovable at night and sometimes during the day. Sometimes I swear she can fly but doesn't quite have the hang of it. She jumped from the desk to the bed the other day but didn't calculate properly and crashed face first into the side of the bed. She also likes to hang out in the refrigerator. It's cool, dark when she shut the door, and there's food! Of course we don't let the door stay closed for more than a few seconds and we're trying to discourage her from going in there. She also loves to climb the curtains, push the other cats out of chairs and off the cat tower. Did I mention that she plays in the litter box? She goes in, does her business, and then plays in the litter. It is so gross! But she is finally learning her name and she seems to not want to be far from Skoora or me when we are home.  

 And that ends the happier portion of today's blog post.

I feel like shit! I've felt like shit the last couple of days and it is't the usual lower back pain, fibromyalgia pain, or the occasional migraine. Or even this new health issue of anemia which I can't seem to shake. Nope, it's worse. I am out of my depression meds and have been for three days. I called them into the pharmacy but we don't have the money to go pick them up. Skoora's mom said she'd pick them up but she hasn't and we have to borrow money for gas so we can go to Spokane tomorrow to turn in some job applications and then be back in time to pick a friend's brother up from school and take him home, and then I think Skoora is going to donate plasma. Maybe, maybe after she does that- assuming we don't have to put more gas into the car, I can finally get this medication and get it back into my system. 

Not having it has been simply awful. I've had so many panic attacks, bouts of crying, and worst of all, melt downs. I had one while driving yesterday and had to take a xanax as soon as we arrived home. That pretty much ruined the evening because I slept through it. I did manage to come out of the heavy, groggy sleep for a few hours, but I didn't get much accomplished. Oh wait, we went to the store, had dinner, and I played some mindless games on facebook for half an hour before going back to bed. 

That's just the mental and emotional withdrawal affects. The physical is almost as bad and probably doesn't help the aforementioned. There's a little nausea, but but there's also some sluggishness (as if I didn't already have trouble with that lately). Still the worst part is this kind of hypersensitivity to everything in a way that doesn't quite feel real. I don't know how to explain it. There's a tingling right on the edge of everything, there but not quite. I'm itchy off and on and I feel kind of gross all over. Every little thing bothers me more and more. I'm not able to concentrate very well and keep flipping back and forth between things like I did when I was a kid and suffering from ADHD. I grew out of that, thankfully. But the fact that I can't focus on one thing and get it accomplished from point A to point B really pisses me off. 

I really want to talk to my doctor about switching to another anti-depressant. I hate the withdrawal symptoms of this one. I hate that it is so expensive that I have to go to another town just to get a discount so I can almost afford it. I am going to ask her to put me back on something that I have had before. Something that doesn't have these horrible withdrawal effects that way if I run out and can't get it for a couple of days, I am okay and not ready to tear at my own skin and vomit. Something which has a generic version and is actually affordable and that I can pick up from a local pharmacy. 

I suppose there is one more good thing I have to report. My college apparently sent my name to some association for Leadership and Success who in turn e-mailed my school e-mail to let me know that firstly, and secondly to invite me to join them. Ever paranoid of scams and such, I have at least looked at their website. I still have a few days in which to really review them and contact my academic adviser before the "deadline to join" ends. But from a brief glance, it doesn't cost anything and I would be eligible for certain scholarships. I will look into them more in depth over the next few days after I get some homework done and out of the way. Strangely enough my writing class has less homework than my World Mythology class. 

Speaking of my World Myth class, I am doing an "in black board wiki" page on the Norse Goddess Freyja and her Brisingamen necklace. On top of that we have to do loads of reading from the book, articles, the week's overview, and sometimes watch videos, and do discussion board posts. Next week we are supposed to watch a movie and take certain notes while analyzing it. And on top of all of that we are to do a mythic archaeology project on ourselves and write a paper on the three biggest decisions of our lives and try to find out the mythical connotations behind them. I foresee myself drinking vodka or sangria's or even white russians while doing that project.   

But yeah, that's just about it for today. I need to get ready for bed, have an early day tomorrow. I'm turning in a job application for a library in Spokane tomorrow and Skoora is turning one in in Spokane Valley. We have lots to do after that and part of me thinks I might have already written this somewhere today... Shit, time for bed!

   

 

Fall Finally!

It's that time of year again! My favorite time of year, Fall/Autumn. Tomorrow is Mabon and we are heading out of town tomorrow morning to spend it with some friends who couldn't make it up. Tomorrow also happens to be Skoora's 30th birthday.

We finally got the fall/Halloween decor from the garage. I spent most of yesterday putting it up, not because we have so much, we actually don't have much at all, yesterday I was just feeling really bad physically. Thankfully it's not much work to put some window clings up, put faux flowers in in vases, and set up the few little nick-knacks we have. Skorra made a 'haunted doll house' out of cardboard boxes for our Monster High Dolls.

I feel so much better now that that awful medicine is out of my system. Well, at least I feel more like my usual self. Aside from that I've just been tired, but that's kind of become a normal feeling in the last year or so, so I'm not all that worried.

What I am worried about is Yoda-chan, my eldest cat. At first I thought he was having trouble with arthritis he's a 16 year old cat, it's to be expected. But then Galen, my other cat, has been bullying Yoda a lot more than usual and really trying to push his way in closer to me. Which is very strange because he's always been an anti-social ass. Now, I think it's all of the above. Yoda is a pretty clean cat but I haven't really seen him groom lately and he has mats in his fur, several of which I've had to cut out. He also spends most of his time hiding/sulking under my bed. Usually hes out and sitting with me. And he's really pissed because I keep cleaning the litter from his paws. He doesn't seem to understand that peed on litter stuck in his fur and caked around the pads of his feet isn't a good thing and since he insists on back up into where he just peed instead of walking straight on through the litter box, he's going to have to put up with getting his paws washed. I don't want to find cat litter in my ear again or in my hair. He likes to sleep on my pillow sometimes. I am going to see if I can get him to quit pouting and perk up a little and if he doesn't then I need to talk to the vet to see if there is something that can help him feel a little better, more like himself so he can at least fight Galen back.

A night of no hope and everything in between

Remember that last post? Yeah, well that all me only I was having a manic episode from the new medication my doctor put me on. I can't believe I had such a strong reaction to the lowest dose! It was insane! I was insane! I had manic episodes. I was shaky all of the time. I was often exhausted and yet at the same time I'd felt like I'd drank a whole pot of coffee. I was tense, felt restless, and if I wasn't sleeping, I was talking almost non-stop, having a laughing attack, or sobbing. 

Thankfully, my Doctor was wise enough to take me off the medication and switch me over to something else, something that has worked in the past. But in the last couple of days I've had to deal with withdraw symptoms. Oh boy does that suck. I'm still having manic moments and then the other night, I had one of the worst emotional crashes I've ever had. 

I lost every bit of hope I'd ever had for anything. There was no point to anything any more. No reason to save money because I would never see my family again unless it was to go to their funerals. No reason to read books because the escape isn't like it used to be (that has something to do with my living situation). No point writing because there's so much wrong with my writing and trying to write while manic was so easy but so stunningly awful I should have been slapped for daring to read it out loud and every other story was pointless. No point in crafts because they cost money to do, time to make, and so forth. No point in fighting for disability they're never going to give it to me. I won't get help for my back so I can get back on my feet. No point in try to lose weight when everything I've done hasn't helped AT ALL. You I actually thought about using the scissors to cut open my leg like they do to the whales they pull up on the beach. It would be so easy. And it would be easy for every one to get on without me being here to drag them down too. All my family and friends in Kansas do it just fine. Kind of like out of sight out of mind. That will continue. 

Really I could go on and on and the point is that I was in such a dark place that even though I was sobbing and panicking, there was an eerie calm settling in. I think if Skoora hadn't been sitting right there trying to talk me through it, I probably would have just killed myself. I think I actually said something about not being able to kill myself because I had no life insurance so just trying to get rid of my body would cost too damned much. 

I really try not to complain, whine, or bother people with too much. There's only so much you can fuss about being people just get tired of it and I've never wanted to be one of 'those' people people don't want to be around. I really try to save my venting and complaining for here and even here I hold back. But this, this was something I needed to get out. It's gotten bad, really bad. I really need to get in and talk to a therapist but mine made me feel like she didn't want me there. Mine made me feel ugly and horribly fat. I have to request another therapist but it's so hard for me. I will be going to the same office as my old one. It;s awkward, it's uncomfortable, and even though I know they aren't allowed to talk about patients, I am so paranoid that I think they will anyway. I honestly have some serious trust issues.  But like I said I just really need to request a different therapist. I also think part of what is holding me back is the fact that it costs money to go and we just can't keep paying the clinic that much money a month on top of my medicine costs, and so forth.

That all aside, I am trying to work on the new story. I really like the idea and I like the beginnings of the characters. It;s just after that manic day of writing and the bouts of mania that I keep having, it's hard for me to settle down and be comfortable enough to write or have much confidence in writing. And that has to stop. It really, really does. 

It's just some days I get tired of all the waiting, all the fighting, and I just want some time to not have to worry about anything. I am tired of forcing myself out of bed, getting dressed, shifting into a mostly-no-nonsense-get-myself-into-gear-and-get-moving kind of attitude and making myself get out of the house. But I know if I quit doing it, I will screw myself over so badly I won't be able to get going again. You know what, it fucking sucks!

To dance with Sister Calm

This is actually my desktop background at the moment

Yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally. I awoke feeling awful about the night before because I'd had a panic attack over seeing two cop cars circling the Wal-mart parking lot when we were in the midst of leaving. Skoora and I weren't doing anything wrong and the police had no reason to stop us nor did they but for some reason, to me they turned into two vultures circling and waiting to swoop down and attack us. And this fear stems from me getting a speeding ticket.

How pathetic.

But no matter how pathetic it is or was I was so upset about having the panic attack that I ended up spinning myself off into one far worse than the one I'd had the night before. It was so bad that I had to take half a nerve pill, and call my Mom. She had to help me calm down because I wasn't able to do so on my own. I'm 29 (le gasp!) and I can't seem to calm myself down? There is something seriously wrong with that. And what is more frustrating is that my current therapist can't seem to figure out why I came back to therapy. Because I need some help and someone to talk to so I don't scare my family and friends, duh! I'm mean what the hell am I paying you for?

After I ended the call with my Mom, mostly because the medicine was kicking in and I was starting to fall asleep on her, I did, in fact, sleep. I slept hard for several hours mostly out of exhaustion. I didn't even wake when Skoora's Mom came in to check on me.

The point is that I desperately need to pull myself back and really take time to get a tight grasp on senses of calm and peace. I need to get back to my center and quit trying to do everything and make things easier on everyone else for a little while. 

Foggy Brain

Yesterday my doctor's nurse called me and wanted to know if I would be comfortable upping the dosage of my Fibromyalgia medication. I said that I was and so I was instructed to take an extra pill in the morning. I am back to having a semi-foggy brain and being sleepy and sometimes lethargic. That doesn't really work for me as far as writing goes but I am going to try and fight through it and see what I can get accomplished.

As it stands, I don't have too many plans for writing today. I left off in a good place the last time I worked with my vampires so when I open the document and am ready to tackle them again, I'll just be able to pick up where I left off with no problem.

I've been feel a pull and tug to start working on one of my fantasy stories again. It's a little weird, when I work on that story I sometimes feel a tug to work on the vampires and vice versa. I suppose I am going to have to do what I used to do when I lived at home with my parents and have several documents, each of them different stories, open all the time. Or at least the notes pages.

I spoke with both my parents, one of my aunts, my grandparents, and my cousin Shi-chan today. It was really nice and I learned something interesting about an ex-abusive-troglodyte of Shi-chan's sister. Seems he'd gotten out of jail and was going to get pulled over by the police. He, of course, ran and drove through a private property fence, jumped out of the car and jumped into a sand pit that was full of water. So far they haven't been able to find his body. If he died in there (from drowning) then his body will resurface in a few days. If he made it out no one has heard or seen hide or hair of him. Honestly, I hope he died. It would be karma for all the horrible things he did to my cousin's daughter, to my cousin, and to my family.

On a lighter note, it's a really nice day today. I am planning to try to go for a walk after Skoora and I are finished at the library. There is a nice park near where we live that abuts the river. There are several little paths we can take to get to the water and I think it will be nice to sit for a few minutes and just watch the river flow by.

Well, I'm off to get a few letters written. 

I think the She-Beast Lied...

See that girl? Yeah, that's me, in slow motion... really slow motion. I started taking a new medication the She-Beast (Aka my med doctor prescribed). She said it would give me more energy, she said it would make me feel better... I know it takes a few days to a week or two for something to build up in a person's system but I was more awake before I took the medication and I have been growing steadily more tired over the last couple of hours. Time in which I have been trying to do my pain study lessons in. I finally gave up on them for the time being.

There are a couple of things I need to knock out today. I have a couple of crafty things I need to get done, make dinner, and clean. Well, I need to do as much of that as I can stand. My back is giving me hell for all the walking I did yesterday. I am not impressed. Also, I apparently need to write an article on what makes a good fanfiction. Oh yeah, I forgot, I am doing a writing blog with some friends and the admin of the group apparently wanted me to do the article for the blog. I never saw where she asked and I heard it second hand from my girlfriend who is also part of the writing group. So, that means I need to talk to the admin or locate the conversation on Facebook that I missed. I have no problems writing such an article but it's going to take some time. Especially since I just got the new power cord for my laptop and am finally back on it. (I am really excited, I will feel comfortable enough to actually relax and write! I get all squicked out when I am on other people's computers, don't know why, just a quirk I guess.)

I won't possibly get everything I want to get done, done today, especially not with how tired I am but I at least want to get some of it accomplished. So a short list...

LIST:
1. Set out some chicken for dinner
2. Figure out which craft I want to do and lay out supplies for it.
3. Work on craft.
4. Make dinner.
5. eat
6. Load and run the dishwasher.
7. Work on my mom's birthday present while watching a movie
8. decide what I want to say in blog article
9. See if Dad is up to playing a little Guild Wars
10. Go to bed.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! My medicine-foggy brain just realized it was 12:30 and thus the 30th of October had given itself over to the 31st.

What are your plans for this evening? Have anything ghoulish in mind?

Unfortunately I have my trigonometry class tonight from 6pm to 10:30 pm so that's killed any plans I might have had, which kind of sucks since Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. However, my college is having a family oriented celebration that begins at 5pm, so I will at least get a little fun for an hour before class begins and I am sure I will find something to do with my family afterwards. Also, I get to dress up, provided that it's acceptable attire. No worries there. I don't really have a costume readily at my fingertips. They're, the few I have, are all packed away.

So, I am going to probably go as a vampire or an Japanese demon. At least, do the really awesome make up I saw in Onmyoji. I can't find a pic of her so I will have to get a screen shot later to post. I haven't decided on the make up and probably won't until I am actually working on my face tomorrow afternoon. As for what to wear... We're doing laundry as I work on this post and I will pick something out from the clean clothes... That reminds me, I wonder if I can wear one of those dresses we've got hanging up in the wardrobe I can't quite get in to...

As I aforementioned, I'm suffering from a medicine-foggy brain tonight. While my back is getting gradually better, I still have a lot of pain, and I am incredibly stiff. So I've been stretching as much as I can and tonight I was forced to take a muscle relaxer and my dumb-ass took a whole one instead of breaking it in half. I think I might have cat-napped off and on while playing sims on facebook. I gave up on it and apparently thought I was done with the computer and put it on hibernate, only I'm not finished with the computer, I still have some homework to do and I wanted to listen to some music while doing it.

Of course with it being Halloween, that means tomorrow is a very important day. It's the beginning of National Novel Writer's Month and I decided that I am going to participate again this year. I don't actually know if I will reach my 50,000 words due to school/homework, moving, and spending time with family and friends before I go, but I have a set of short story ideas I want to work on and a novel I want to work on. The short stories will be put together to make a small collection book and they are very naughty! ^.^

Well, I've got homework to do and clothes to fold, so I'm off! Hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween!