Despite everything, yesterday wasn't as good a day as it sounded.

I haven't really been feeling very well lately. Part of it is the physical pain, yes, that is half of it, but the other half is depression. Both really caught up to me and hit me pretty hard yesterday afternoon. 

As soon as Skoora's parents left to go to the store I finally had the tv to myself. Of course there really isn't anything worth watching around 5 pm and that includes the news so I just flipped through the channels until I found something I could stand being on in the background and even as tired and as much as I was hurting, I got on the exercise bike. I think I lasted about ten whole minutes, if that, before I broke down in tears. Of course the fact that I was crying upset me even more. 

I decided that since I had the house to myself and Skoora's Mom wasn't there to stick her nose into my business, I needed to call my Mom and just vent. But by the time I started talking to my Mom the panic attack started. I really hate calling my Mom when I'm panicking but it was what it was and after I'd taken a xanax and could get my head together, she and I talked about all of it. Of course, she and Dad aren't happy that I am going back to school (I'm doing it online), they are concerned about the debt. But since it's one of the first few things that I've been excited about in a long time, she kind of backed off a little and told me just to take what I need to take to graduate. That's what I'd planned on. 

Skoora and I are broke, which is another problem we are dealing with. Skoora is trying to find another job that will give her more hours in the very least, if not more pay. I need a job as well but my situation is a bit complicated. Call centers aren't a good fit for me, not that I can't do the work, in fact I'm actually pretty good at it, it's just so mentally exhausting. Actually since working in two call centers I have panic attacks when making doctor's appointments, when calling in prescriptions, and especially talking to anyone I do not know over the phone. Most people don't know because I've gotten very good at hiding it.

 As for everything else I am qualified for, I am unable to do it physically on a consistent basis. I've been trying to work on that on my own, especially since I'm apparently not going to get any kind of assistance outside the home. Why not? Oh that's costs money and when you don't have it, no one even wants to look at you. 

There are a couple of other things that contribute to my panic attacks ranging from food control, lack of privacy, lack of respect, other people pushing their agendas (without any consideration for how I feel much less what's going to be more economical for Skoora and I in the long run) on the matter of where we live so much that I just want to strangle them, to what we are going to do about our cars. Add all of that up you'd think that would be enough but this business of me not being able to sleep at night from pain and I just kind of fall apart at random and inconvenient times. It's not good and I don't know what else to do. I guess there's really nothing that I can do. 

I am perpetually stuck in a cycle and people have all sorts of 'advice', none of which is within our affordability or really helps, and most of the time it's just them advocating that Skoora and I do what they want us to do, and never really anything that will actually benefit us. And you know what, I still drag my ass out of bed every day and try to be as positive as I can and keep my complaints down a minimum.