Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I am not at your beck and call and last week

Something I would love to say to my aunt

Last week was a week of crying, panic, and generally falling apart. I mentioned in my last post what I tried to do for my parents. Well, I couldn't handle the thought that I had made things worse and wanted to explain myself and tell my parents that it was my fault. My Mom, of course was kind of stunned speechless for a few minutes and then spent the next twenty convincing me that nothing was my fault. A couple of hours later my Dad called and told me that he'd spoken to Grandma and that they were going to be okay and said that I really shouldn't have asked Grandma to try and cash in my inheritance for them and thanked me anyway. Then he told me that I actually don't have one while he's still alive. Since I would much rather have my Grandparents and my Parents than money, I am perfectly okay with that and told my Dad as much. So at least that is cleared up and things are okay on that end. 

Home life for me just kind of fell apart for me on a mental and emotional level. Last year I told Amanda I couldn't live with her parent another year. I've had it rough since we moved up here dealing with my own crap, losing a lot on different levels, and so on. Well, it's been a year and I've told her that I really cannot make it until she graduates in July.  Something has to happen. Either I leave and go back to Kansas, which I don't want to do or we get a place of our own. Which has been impossible because she is working on her masters degree and trying to work and look for another job on top it while playing servant to her mother and helping me out when I feel like shit. So last week I spent most of the week having small meltdowns, panic attacks, and crying off and on. I didn't manage to get any homework done. I just kind of stared at the wall or looked at stuff on pinterest or talked with a friend on facebook. I also watched a couple of movies. I think I would have been happier reading something but I didn't feel like I could because if I read something for myself, then I should have been reading homework. 

Anyway, I finally got it all started last night. I've done half the homework in each class and will have to do the other half for both classes tomorrow and Wednesday and then do all the homework for this week too. And there are some fun things happening at the end of this week, like Imbolc. There is no way I am missing that. 

My Aunt has pissed me off on whole new levels. First she's always been a manipulative, hypochondriac, hypocritical, lying bitch who loves to start fights with people. She ran my Uncle into the ground and now she's running my cousin Shi-Chan into the ground. But recently, after learning that a Shi-Chan's best friend, who is a gay man, has AIDS, she said the most awful thing, that this friend deserves it because of his chose lifestyle. No, no one straight or gay or whatever deserves AIDS!  As if that wasn't awful enough, as if tormenting her own daughter wasn't enough, my aunt actually called my mother up and told her to get off her ass, get in the kitchen, and make her dinner one night. And by make her dinner, she expected my mother to make it, bring it to her. Gods forbid she actually get off her ass and help my mother. My aunt was also "too sick" to help Shi-Chan give her niece a bath and wanted Shi-chan to call my mom and make my mom do it. Are you kidding me? My aunt has gotten so vicious, so hateful, and so fucking lazy that my Dad had to actually sit and baby sit her- he had to watch a movie with her at my parents house- while my Mom and Shi-chan cleaned my aunt and Shi-Chan's house. Just so they could get it done in peace and quickly while Shi-chan's niece was with her dad. I mean it's fucking insane!

Well, I have unfriended my Aunt on facebook because I am tired of her hypocritical bible thumping religious posts and every time I see something from her I get extremely angry. I have also blocked her on google+ so she can't read my blog or see anything from me on there. Today she called me and left a message on my voice mail saying that I had to call her ASAP! Oh fuck no! She will not order me around. I have only tolerated her this long for the benefit of Shi-Chan and my parents because my aunt is the kind of person who will take it out of them. But I'm kind of like screw it, I am done! I haven't called her because I would tell her exactly how I feel, that I don't want to speak to her again and "fuck you".

Now, there has been some positive things peaking through all this doom and gloom. I had coffee with a friend today, which was really nice. I also met Amanda at the store and since we have to replace all the stuff we left back in KS, some furniture and kitchen things, we decided to start doing piecemeal now so it isn't so awful when we do get a place. Also, the housing assistance lottery opened today so we will be filling out the application to get out names in for the drawing there as well as looking for subsidized housing. But, we found a hand mixer, a really good blender, and a set of pots and pans including utensils on clearance at Walmart today. We also bought some towels to go with the few we already have and some towels for the kitchen that came with a drying mat for dishes. I also grabbed a pot holder set. Then I got some make up remover wipes and some body wash.  

The only reason I am still up, and its 4:41 am at this very moment, is because I did something stupid and bought myself an early birthday present. Guild Wars 2. I really wasn't going to get it, but I stopped gaming when I started school and I miss it. My Dad doesn't play GW1 anymore and plays Eve Online. He buys the subscription when he's ahead. I can't afford a monthly subscription fee, even if I bought it ahead of time and I don't think I could devote enough to it to really do it justice or make it worth the money spent. GW2 I have been curious about for awhile. We were really excited when it first came out but backed away because there were some major changes. But today, I just said screw it. I can play it at my leisure and not have to worry about letting other people down because I have to do other things. I got the digital version and it's still downloading, has been since 11 pm. Its currently at 92%. 

After I have had some sleep, Amanda and are going to visit a co-worker and friend of hers for tacos and to watch a movie and American Horror Story. When we get home, I have to work on homework. Other than that, we are going to have to schedule a time to get Galen into the vet, he's kind of going down hill again. I'd take him tomorrow but it's hard to get a same day appointment with the vet and he's still eating and drinking, just has that really weird cough hack thing. 


  1. God your aunt is a nightmare! She could make even Odin shudder in fear! Maybe I'll kick him out of my house and send him to her as punishment, lol!

    I'm glad you at least get to spend time with friends and have your seasonal celebrations to look forward to. Little things like that are lifesavers.

    And American Horror Story is freakin awesome! Which season are you on?

    1. We have seen season 1 and now all of season 4 ^_^ - we started season 3 and want to finish it sometime ^^ and we still need to hit up season 2. They are really fun. I enjoyed Freakshow, it was a damn wild ride.

    2. They really are life savers as for Odin? I wouldn't punish him with her!

  2. Dearest Hannah, the people around you are completely bonkers! I am sorry to hear about your parents and that you all are constantly living on the edge, of poverty and of sanity

    1. *hugs* I am sorry too. But I am hoping that we can get out of here soon.