I called my Dad this morning to talk about some stuff going on. He was an asshole about it and I asked him why he sounded so angry to which he explained. Things which we thought were getting better for my parents aren't. He said if I wanted sympathy, maybe I should have called my Mom. But I didn't call my Mom because A) its getting harder for her to hear me over the phone and B) I think I wanted the no- non-sense asshole perspective my Dad gives so well.
I can't really go into it too much at this time for very good reason. Amanda and I are okay, no worries there. It is another aspect of our lives that we and two of our good friends were making effort to fix instead of jumping ship. After last night's events, I went to bed with an extremely heavy heart, actually cried myself to sleep because I am so fucking conflicted over it, and woke up so upset that I didn't get out of bed for at least and hour. So I called my Dad.
My Dad said he would have already jumped ship. He said that I need to be more selfish to which I replied that every single time I am, it blows up in my face. I told him I don't want to be an asshole, I like being a nice person. He said that me being nice is a good thing but basically, giving in to everyone else, people pleasing is only going to get everyone what they want me 20 years down the line with nothing to show for it, no books published, maybe a couple of degrees, and most likely on unhappy. He also said that he wished he could fly up here to shake me until I start doing what I want to do and stop letting people suck the life out of me. He wishes I would stop wasting my energy and talent and focus it on my writing.
We talked a little bit about writing for awhile too. Mostly what's been bothering me, how I wish I could go back to being able to write carefree like I did in high school, where I just wrote without worrying about this or that. I told him that writing first drafts now are kind of painful but writing yesterday for school was both painful and kind of exciting too because some shit just came out. We also talked about other writers and what I want or where I want to go with my writing.
Honestly, I think the best part of or the most helpful part of the conversation was when my Dad said he wished he could fly up here and shake me so I would stop letting people suck the life out of me and do shit for myself. I kind of wanted to cry because in my head I think I am just being dramatic when I think that people are draining me but when someone else says so, its validation that I'm not crazy or imagining it, or even that being selfish.
Still not 100% sure what I am going to do about the situation or where I am going to go, but I'm going to talk to Amanda when she gets home because in a way it's not just up to me. The other aspects of my life, that are in my control, the stuff that I want to do, I am going to do more of those things.