Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Decompression day and some things learned

I love this cat picture! So fall, so pretty! 

I am taking today as a decompression day. Its not really a completely up to me choice in that I hurt all over and am very tired today. I am going to get out of the house to check the mail and maybe go to the store this evening. I was supposed to have received a pair of contacts in the mail- just fun Halloween ones I bought a month or so back, and I am kind of hoping that my Grandma didn't forget about me and has sent a card telling me congrats for finally graduating college. It is so weird, neither my parents nor my Grandparents have actually said congratulations. My Grandma just asks what I got my degree in. Now, I feel I can't get too upset by the lack of congrats because Grandma was in the hospital not that long ago, but I have talked to her and my parents several times since. I know it is petty and selfish but is it? Is it wrong that I would like a little positive acknowledgement. I'm not asking or even wanting anything else. It's not like I was pitching a fit that they weren't here for the party or asking for anything. So, is it really wrong to hope for a simple "hey, good job"?  

Honestly, I don't know why it is bothering me so much. Maybe it has to do with something Amanda said this weekend. Actually, I think I do know. They are my blood family, the ones that I care about the most in said family and short of flying down there to take care of them myself, I've done everything I can do and for them such as call, skype, I've helped out when I have been down there, sent things. I am not complaining about any of that, truly, I enjoyed doing all of it, wanted to do all of it. I don't want much but a little turn around in the form of "good job" or even a little constructive feed back on stories even though not everything I write is their cup of tea.

Let that shit go, I keep telling myself, but do you have any idea how freaking hard that is? I can tell myself to do it, think I have, but a couple of days, months, or years down the line, it all comes rolling back at me and yeah, it is clear that I didn't let it go but just buried it. So, I don't know how to let the heavy, deeply personal shit go and I'm not even sure I am capable. Now, I am not trying to give that as an excuse, I do want to let stuff go, I'm just not sure how to go about it. Which is why I am in counseling. 

And speaking of counseling, I saw my therapist Monday. I read her part of the post I said I was going to print out and read to her. She asked me if I knew why I had been placed with her, other than we are both in a lesbian relationships. I said no. So she explained that it was also because she has some health problems and she is trying to learn how to adjust to a new normal, so when I read my blog to her, she knew exactly what I was feeling because they are the same feelings and thoughts she's had and is dealing with herself. She asked me to excuse her if she was a little bit emotional and I told her she was fine, that I get it because I was teary eyed writing it.  Also during this session my therapist told me that she thinks I am rather resilient, which is really good for my relationship with Amanda and with all the stuff I am dealing with, and that it seems that I just go with the flow of things a lot of the time that really helps. Well, beating my head against brick walls just gets exhausting and you can only work with what you have. 

But with all those feelings laid bare, I am actually having a good morning. Fiona left a short bit ago, Narcisa is off taking a nap somewhere, the house is quiet, and I have the windows open for nice, cool fresh air. This is exactly the kind of weather I wish I had a porch swing or covered hammock to lay on outside. I'd like to just laze about with a book and let the wind caress me. My Great Grandma Ireland and I used to sit on her porch swing on days like this and swing and talk. Sometimes I would get to lay down and with my head in her lap and she'd pet my hair and sing church hymns or tell me stories about when she lived on the farm.

 I'm going to spend some time, at some point today, finishing up the salt dough ornaments I made, and I am going to make a list of the things people left at my house for my party that need to be returned, things such as hats, baking dishes, pot holders and tea towels, and kegs, lol. Oh, and I need to renew a library book, if I can and sit down to read it!  

Oh and yes, Holly, I have decorated my house for the season, I just haven't gotten around to taking pictures of it all yet.

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