Lately Amanda and I have been watching An Idiot Abroad on Netflix. I actually really like it and don't really feel that Karl is an idiot, he just hasn't been as exposed to things as a lot of people. He had a way of life that he seemed to enjoy but is now learning that other things, things he wouldn't have considered to be all right, are now actually all right. Its interesting. And because we've been watching this show, I added some travel channels on my Roku, they are free and I thought they looked like fun.
Of course we've been watching tv in the evenings because I haven't really felt good. Everything kind of ganged up on me at once and I had a really nastey headache for a couple of days. It wasn't a migraine, but I rather think it was a tension headache. Monday I hurt, Tuesday I spent curled up on the sofa not really able to move because of pain, and yesterday I finally started to feel better. Today I thought was going to be more productive but I was stopped by a nap that snuck up on me and kept me hostage for a couple of hours. When I awoke, I felt loads better, so I'm not too unhappy about it.
It's nice enough that I said screw it, and opened the patio window. In fact it is still so nice out, that we have it open this evening. And my allergies aren't even being bothered, which I love! I'll take whatever I can get of nice weather and no sneezing!
I mentioned on facebook today that depression has been kicking my ass lately. It too goes in a cycle, not a predictable one, and it too just kind of sneaks up on me. For as long as I have been dealing with PCOS, the fibromylgia, and the herniated disk, you would think I would be used to it all now. In some respects I am. I accept them for what they are and am trying to work with the new limitations and problems, and try really hard not to let them get me down. But you notice them and you worry about what other people think of you, you get pissed off at yourself and begin to have feelings of disconnection from yourself. You have to adjust to a new normal while your some part of you is still in denial and rejects the new norm. On top of that, you're trying, no fighting, to be happy and positive and still make something of yourself. After awhile it gets to be too much, too emotionally and mentally exhausting, and it eats away at you until the things that you loved doing so much, the things that you could still technically do, almost feel like burdens but you're afraid to say that they are because that's just one more thing that has been stolen from you. And you look at yourself and are utterly disgusted. (I think I am going to print this out and give it to my therapist because this is something I definitely want to work on)
Speaking of my therapist, she gave me some homework this week. I am supposed to write 30 minutes a day everyday. She said it could be anything. Well, I can do that with a blog so I don't really feel that it counts. What I want it to work on actual stories again. I'm just going to have to force myself to do it. Yes, I want to be a published author, but at this point, I just want to write. It's one of those things that I feel has been stolen from me, which was why I struggled so much these last couple of years with school. I loved the writing classes, but it was really hard putting word after word down. I thought, maybe I am too old for this, maybe it was just a phase, I'm not any good for various technical reasons. Which is bullshit. Ugh. This is good though, it's stuff I have been trying to ignore for a long time and I am facing up to it now and dealing with it.
On a happier note, we are having my graduation party this weekend. I'm quietly excited. I'm happy I've got my BA, but mostly, I am just happy that my friends are coming over to celebrate with me. Amanda's been planning it and has been pretty secretive about it, so I don't know whether or not to be super excited or kind of nervous. The good news is that this is her birthday month, so I get to plan her party.