2 hours, tears, frustration

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I was so tried and never really felt like I woke up. Thank's fibro fog, you're just a gem. Anyway, I decided to back away from the computer and scrap doing anything productive, to sit on the sofa and watch something on Netflix. Somewhere along the way I picked up my current embroidery project. soon enough Amanda came home, we ordered pizza, kept watching the show I was watching, and soon enough it was a raining. Then my cousin Shi-Chan, She's the girl on the left in the photo above (which was taken last time I visited my family), called. We haven't talked in a while. Neither of us like being on the phone for too long. We both have anxiety about it, but somehow, we stayed on the phone with each other for 2 hours. OMG I miss her so fucking much. We're 7 months apart in age and are pretty close. I wish she and her boyfriend lived up here. 

After talking to her, I told Amanda I wanted to finish a section of my embroidery project and then I would go to bed. She needed to go sooner and wanted me to go with her. I decided to take it with me. During the usual getting ready for bed routine, I got upset about a lot of things, and ended up crying. Amanda and I were talking about said things and then I got sick. Exhausted, I went with Amanda to bed. Of course, I couldn't get comfortable in bed and couldn't sleep, but I don't really remember going to the sofa and I only vaguely remember Amanda giving me a cup of coffee and saying something about keys and her going to be late to work. 

When I finally did wake up this morning, it was a little after 9 am. I called my Grandma, because I haven't talked with her for a while. It was a good call. She sounds pretty good considering. Since then I've made myself breakfast, cleaned some in the bathroom, and sat down to embroider some more. It's been very calm and quite, relaxing. And then I went to get the mail, stepped wrong somehow, and hurt my knee. I'm so mad! I'm supposed to be walking five minutes a day and I can't even walk two minutes to get the damn mail without hurting myself. I've had it. I'm done. I can't freaking win. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Yay! 

The good news is that when the neighbor kids came over to start banging on my patio door and screech at the cats, they saw me and backed away. They haven't been back, thankfully. So, I've had the curtains open and have been able to look outside and see the flowers and herbs.     

Good bye Graveyard tan, Butt Burn, Moana, and Apartment Management.

It is official, my Graveyard tan is being destroyed. I've burned, I've broken out in hives, and I've burned again. Today, I am letting myself lament it's passing while I struggle to get the day going. I couldn't sleep last night, at least, not until after 2 am, and this morning, I had the worst time waking up and stay awake. There is still a strong pull for me to go lay down on the sofa with the heating pad and a blanket and do just that. But I have so much to do, that it is just not possible. 

Yesterday's work at the Kettle corn stand was not what I wanted it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I am neither a super human nor can do the things I used to. If I am completely honest, I force myself through the day. Helping Rachel set up takes so much out of me and I can't even do half of what she does. It's not even that hard. Tear down is so much worse because by the time we tear down, I've sat in the heat all day, all ready helped her set up as much as I was able, walked to and from the bathroom, and helped bag some kettle corn. It really is pathetic and so frustrating. By the time I got home last night, I was so tried and in so much pain. To clarify, I am venting about my frustration with my body, not the work, the work is fine. 

Last night Amanda wanted to do something nice for me. She rubbed my feet and my legs with lotion while we were in bed and it felt so freaking good. She also discovered a small blister on my butt. I told her a person moves really fast when they sit down on a molten, sugar coated popcorn kernel. One flew out of Rachel's kettle and into my chair and I happened to sit on it. I laughed at the time. 

Moana was awesome! We recently watched it and Amanda and I loved it. The music is good, the story is wonderful, and I love the character growth. Seriously, go watch it if you haven't. 

So, we are having quite the little problem with our apartment managers right now. They scheduled a meeting to which both Amanda and I had to be present last month, but Amanda couldn't make it because she works a full time job. We were NEVER given a secondary scheduled meeting time and got a notice on our front door stating we missed the 2nd meeting and if we miss the next one, it is ground to terminate our lease and we will have to find somewhere else to live. Oh fuck no! I'm going to be having a little chat with the manager either tomorrow or Friday, because that's bull shit, period.  

  

Kettle Corn and book annoyances

Pretty much my expression last night.

So I helped my friend with her Kettle Corn stand at the farmer's market the other day. It went well for the most part. The set up and tear down takes 45 minutes each and I am just not able to do that yet. I tried, I really did, but I felt like such an ass hat for having to sit down every couple of minutes. It still makes me angry. But for the rest of it, I did okay. I got to sit and sell her kettle corn, up sell her punch cards, and I reminded her to go take a picture to post on Instagram and Facebook saying where she was to help bring herself business. 

That's the good news. The bad news is that I was exhausted by the time I got home and suspect a little heat exhaustion to be part of that. I didn't even try to sleep in bed, just stayed on the sofa. Yesterday was spent on the sofa for most of the day as well. I was tired and slept off and on through the day. I think my body needed time to recover not only physically but also because my allergies were aggravated and I was in the heat all day the day before. I do not do well in the heat and having a kettle heating the area behind you doesn't help that much.

While I was camped on the sofa yesterday evening, I decided to finish Into the Fire by Jeaniene Frost, the last in her Night Prince series. I love this series and i did enjoy the end but I was a little annoyed with the end. While I had put the book down for a week or two because I wanted to prolong the ride- I didn't remember the main character explaining so much before. That pretty much ticked me off. I was like "I know, Leila, they just said that," or "I got it, you don't have to tell me,". It was weird and I did not like the stuff with Marty. Then again, I never really liked Marty, he was annoying to me, but with that said, I did like his relationship to Leila. I think Frost could write another novel with Leila and Vlad, there are some things that were left open and unresolved, things I want to know more about.

After finishing Into the Fire, I picked up Princess Dracula by John Patrick Kennedy. This is a self published novel I found on Amazon. The risk you run with self published novels is that a lot of times they aren't edited or edited very well. I've only read three chapters and have found several typos and some grammatical errors. The pace feels a little bit rushed but I have reminded myself that it is only a 200 page novel. So far the story is interesting and I am curious to see where it goes.  

10 minutes in the sun, camping, cats

My cats are all over me today. In fact, Thorin has been following me all through the house, he's been very vocal, and Narcisa has be super cuddly. They missed us. We were only gone two days and one night. I don't know what they will do when Amanda and I go on our honeymoon after we get married. 

We went camping this weekend. There wasn't a need for us to rush this time and we took it easy getting to our friend's house out in the country where we were camping. Because we were the only couple staying with a tent, we decided to camp inside for the night. That made Amanda happy, she didn't have to pitch the tent. We had dinner, drank, and played Cards Against Humanity. We also spent some time just talking before bed. That was Saturday. Yesterday, we had breakfast and eventually made it outside to make altar cloths with sun developing dye. After that we me our friend's Grandma before doing a small ritual for midsummer before dinner. It was getting a little late, so we headed home. It was a nice relaxing and easy going weekend. 

I'm losing my vampire tan. In the ten minutes I was in direct sunlight yesterday, I got a little sunburn. It isn't bad, but it is a enough that  my face and chest are hot and sore today. I don't seem to have broken out in hives this time, but I am itchy. I'm hoping that my allergy medication is helping with the brunt of that. Amanda was in direct sunlight a good deal longer and was very red last night. She even had some bumps. 

I am taking it easy for the rest of the day because tomorrow I am helping my friend Rachel with her Kettle Corn stand at a farmer's market. She bought my parent's plane tickets so they could come to my wedding and I'm paying her back by working for her once a week. I'm still in shock that she would do that for me. I'm so grateful and when she did, I just wanted to cry. I am also very nervous about helping her. I'm not quite walking for five minutes a day (without a grocery cart in front of me to lean on) but I do get to sit down. There's also a good deal of nervousness because while I know I will work my ass off for her (the market she's at on Tuesdays is very busy) I don't want to let her down or mess something up for her. But, at the same time, like one of my other friends said, it will be good for me. I might get a little of my confidence back. 

Screwed up, trying the new thing, keep flexible

This is the schedule I came up with. I decided that it is a base kind of everyday schedule because I am not home every day and sometimes we have company and what not. For instance twice a month I go grocery shopping and spend a lot of time doing food prep. Sometimes I go to the library or go out to do errands with friends. On those days things will have to be different, but the most part this is what I am trying to get settled into routine. 

Yesterday sucked! I have been having a lot of trouble with showers since we moved into this apartment. I panic while taking them and sometimes that panic spills over afterward into my after shower routine. I hate it. Amanda hasn't liked showering in this apartment either. Our concussion after trying different things to make it better, is that the damned shower is just too small. Our bathroom kind of stupidly set up anyway. Amanda thinks it's my claustrophobia kicking off. So, yesterday's shower was awful, not the least bit relaxing, and by the time I sat down to dry off, put on my lotion, moisturizer, toner, ect... I couldn't do the after shower routine, all I could do was ride out the panic attack- which was gods awful! I hardly cry so hard I'm screaming, but that sort of episode hits, it's doesn't hold back and everything floods me. I hate that too.

Amanda wanted to go swimming yesterday in the apartment pool, but as usual the damned thing was closed. It seems every time she goes, the pool is closed or it is so disgusting none of us want to get in it. We are paying for the damned thing, why cant they keep it clean for us. Worse, I've noticed that the swim class they had is no longer listed for our community events. We have sit and fit and walk with your neighbors, neither of which is every day. I also haven't seen anyone head to the pool for awhile. This sicks because I'm finally feeling up to swimming again. I mean I can go without worrying I'll overflow a tampon, I no longer have the organs to do that. Floating in cool water, slipping under the surface to be encompassed all around, and gliding through water was one of my favorite things to do. I even used to swim competitively. I miss it so much. But, we pay for a pool we can't use.

We went to Rachel's last night for dinner and to hang out. Rachel has been working on her back yard and it's really coming along beautifully. She's put up some decorations, doing some brick and stone work, planted some flowers and catnip and has plans for vegetables too. She's even going to build a fire pit. Since it was a nice evening, I sat outside and talked with her while she was working. The wind felt so nice in the shade and I could have taken a nap. 

When we went inside, I cut her hair. She really liked it. Then she trimmed my hair and Amanda wanted to play too. I cut her hair and screwed up. I cut too much off for her liking. She always says she doesn't care about her hair and threatens to shave it off. Well, in my hope and effort to get a lot of the dead ends off and to help it look healthier, I took off several inches and cut it straight across and did light layering to frame her face. But Amanda doesn't like straight across hair cut and I didn't know that. She also didn't like the length. The frizz of her hair makes it a little difficult to pull back out of her face but I told her I will get up every morning to do her hair so it looks nice while it's growing out. It is my penance. Also, I promised to micro trim her hair to help it to grow faster. 

But the evening doesn't end there. We came home last night our house smells funny. We think it is the trash and how stuffy it gets in here when the air conditioner isn't going. Amanda took a shower and ended up getting sick while doing so. I could barely help her, I don't have a strong stomach when it comes to that. She got things cleaned up and finished her shower. I had a big, fluffy towel waiting for her, and I doctored an ouchie on her finger. 

We didn't get to sleep until well after 3 am and had to be up today by 6:30. 

Today will be better. I'm going to make it so.   

New experiences, books, doing stuff

Stephanie Pui Mun Law

I've had some interesting experiences as of late. My therapist told me to look her in eye and tell her that I hate her. I don't and the whole situation almost had me in tears. I couldn't do it. She told me if I couldn't tell her that, then I should't be saying it to myself. Yeah, I know that, but breaking all the negitive thoughts- the depression monster in my head- is going to be a long hard road. She also wants me to look in the mirror every morning and say "I want to love you". I tried it yesterday. I felt nothing. In fact, it felt kind of like a lie. This is going to be an uphill battle all the way.  I told Amanda I didn't know if I ever would completely love myself or my body. Not when I feel that my body has betrayed me so terribly. 

Speaking of my body. I think I am going to invest in a yoni egg. I'm really scared and worried about my pelvic floor. Apart from that I have had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Either my brain doesn't want to shut off or I've been in too much pain to get comfortable. Needless to say, I've not been either really sad or down right pissed. With that, I've also decided that I'm not going to wait any longer, it has been three months since surgery and if I am careful with exercise, I should be fine. I'm going to do some stuff sitting down and do some core strengthening on the sofa. It will have to be done slow and gently, but I have got to get control of things or I'm really going to fall apart. 

I've placed holds and borrowed several books from the library recently. From Japanese flower arrangement to how to make Kimono and some Japanese cooking, I've been diving right back into Japan! Part of it is SCA related, I've finally decided to do a Japanese persona from the Heian period, and part of it is just because I really like Japanese cooking and culture. 

Doing stuff. Last night I wrote out the things that I feel make me happy or that I need to do to make feel successful in a day. I addressed it with Amanda and said I don't need to do these things every day, they can be shifted and changed throughout the week, but they do need to happen. Some things do need to happen every day and those I will be guarding closely. So, today, I'm going to work on a weekly base schedule that I can start implementing this coming week. But first, I promised a certain little orange kitty (Thorin) cuddles.

Spider on the glasses, general update, and making a new schedule

Last night sleep stood me up, so instead of tossing and turning in bed- and because I was hurting- I decided to get up and do something constructive. I made myself some planner stickers with some pretty moon pictures I found on pinterest. I even made my own template, which was kind of pain because I was basically watching youtube vids and teaching myself how to do stuff- some was refresher, but some of it wasn't. 

Since I didn't get sleep last night, I thought I was seeing shit this morning when I took Amanda to the bus stop. Turns out I wasn't, there really was something dangling from my glasses and it was a tiny spider. Normally I would have freaked, cried, and thrown things. But, I think because I was behind the wheel of a car and even though it was in park, something in my head flipped the calm switch. I took off my glasses and got a napkin then squished the thing. Do not say anything that spider broke the treaty. I have a policy if it's in the house Amanda takes it outside or I kill it, same goes for the car, especially since it was ON ME! Anyway, I thought I was doing pretty well except for the rest of the morning I kept thinking stuff was crawling on me and even had moments where I imagined spiders bursting through my skin. Yeah, I was NOT a happy camper. Needless to say after my therapy appointment and after lunch, I promptly sat on the sofa with the heating pad (because I hurt my back again recent- upper back this time) and took a nap. Thankfully sleep didn't stand me up this time.

We've been a bit busy lately. We've had dinner at a friend's house, friends have had dinner here, and we've had a wedding party planning party. Add some errands, grocery shopping, sleeping most of an entire day away, and I haven't really played too much on the internet. Or even really been on my computer that much. But that is going to change per se, after this weekend. A lot is going to change after this weekend, at least for me. I can't wait around anymore on my body or on other people. So I am going to make myself a new schedule and try it out. I know I keep talking about it, but I just need to do it. I need to stop trying to accommodate everyone else and just accommodate myself for a change. 

The next step, disconnection, love/hate me

The last several days have flown by. I've been a bit busy and had to stop and ask myself or consult my phone to remember what day it was. Anyway, I have been out of the house a lot, helping some friends run errands and taking them to appointments. It kind of caught up with me yesterday. Last night I had pain from the middle of my back down to my toes and it hurt to breathe. I had to take a pain pill and go to bed early. However, it didn't do me much good because I couldn't get comfortable and ended up only sleeping two hours. I've spent the last three surfing the internet with that groggy, hungover, heavy feeling from the pain pill.  

I am too fucking young for this shit.

But it brings me to something that is uncomfortable: the disconnect between myself and my body. My therapist is moving me toward addressing it since I've had the hysterectomy and my new depression meds seem to be working out for me. She also has me reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The books is basically about learning to let go of all the crap and learning to be self accepting and  'enough'. The second chapter has been difficult for me, it's about cultivating self compassion. That seems to be a theme of sorts that keeps popping up. 

Yesterday a friend of mine shared this video by Dove about 'real beauty'.  

 

In it the woman talks about a disconnection of her with her body and love affair she'd been missing. It made me cry because I have the desire to love my body, to be happy with it, to be 'enough', but I hate it. I feel that my body has betrayed me. When I look at myself in the mirror I see me but I don't feel connected to it. It's like I see myself but I think that's not my body. It doesn't feel right. It's complicated, compounded by years of PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and a herniated disk in my lower back. I feel as if my body has stolen so much time and life from me. It has ripped dreams from my hopeful hands and laughed in my face replacing them with pain and blood. I hate it. I want to punish my body for being a monstrous, vicious whore bitch. I have punished it before. I've been so angry that I've beaten myself with my fists. I've cut myself. I've fantasized about taking a gardening trowel and raking my skin off or just cutting chunks of me off. And all the while I hear my Grandpa's voice in my head saying "you used to be such a pretty girl". 

I told Amanda yesterday that I really would be content being heavier if I could wear the clothes I dream of wearing. I don't need to be a size 10 or less. I would be happy at size 18-20. I don't need perfect. I need functional. I need to be able to live, to go places and do things and not be afraid to do so. I don't even care about being pain free, I can deal with pain, I have for a long time, we are old friends. I know how to navigate the fibro and bad back days. I just want to enjoy life, to love myself and be connected to all of me, to kick ass in my own unique way not struggle through anymore. 

All of that said, there is some light in all of this. I've let go of trying to be the 1950s house wife with a career and kids and avid church goer that my Grandma wanted me to be. I'm a house wife for sure, but I'm slowly letting the expressions of me come out and saying fuck all to anyone who has a problem with it. That's progress for a people pleaser I think.