The last several days despite being relatively quiet and low key, have not been easy.
Thursday I attempted to clean my house. I have been doing a little better and gotten a little strength back so I mistakenly thought I could spend all day scrubbing my kitchen and sweeping. I mistakenly thought I could pick up the living room and vacuum too and then go make dinner on top of it.
I fucked up.
Thursday night we had some friends over for dinner. I spent the entire time in pain, wanting to cry more out of frustration than because of how much I was hurting. Anyway, one friend stayed over and while we had to go to bed sooner than we would have liked, it was still a lot of fun having her for a visit. I took her home after I picked Amanda up from work on Friday, after which, Amanda and I went to a vegan restaurant on the South Hill. Cashew cheese is interesting and too bad. I don't know how I feel about vegan bacon though.
Saturday was hard. We went to our meeting with the apartment managers. Because of their new tax credit deal with the state or government or whatever, not only do they want to verify what's in our bank accounts for the last 6 months, but they want to know if we have any stocks, bonds, savings accounts, other assets, and all about Amanda's 401k and so on. Also they want to know exactly how far in the disability application process I am in because if I get it, we will 'make' too much money to live here. As it stands with everything they want, it feels very much like a vast invasion of privacy and that we will be told to move out anyway. Or, if we do get to stay, then we will be forced to sign a year long lease, which complicates things because we are looking to get a house. They also said it would take them a month to determine whether or not we will be able to stay. I am beyond frustrated and don't really know what to do at this point. I walked away with a developing migraine.
Amanda and I went to brunch at Denny's after that and that was shit. Since my headache was worse, we just went home and went to bed. Then we got up for a bit and got ready to go for a potluck get-to-know-you kind of dinner with our friend Chris. Except I only made it as far as Yokes before I had to turn around and come home. I got sick and I had a horrible panic attack. It was a bad one. Amanda grabbed us some food and we curled up for the night.
Sunday we ventured out to the grocery store and to look at a couple of thrift stores, but I'd hurt my back cleaning on Thursday it was hard to walk around a lot I actually had to ask the walmart greeter if there was a scooty cart down at the other entrance of the store. She had to radio down for one. On the plus side, Amanda found me a pair of shoes that have decent arch support.
Yesterday, I slept most of the day and the same can be said for today. I've been very tired. My back and I are fighting and I can't lift my right leg up without wanting to punch something and cry. Both knees have been giving me grief lately and my Achilles tendons have been as well. I also hurt my wrist pushing myself up in bed several nights ago. Thankfully that is better today.
But, the bodily pain, as frustrating as all is, isn't what's tearing me apart right night. It isn't what made me look at Amanda and tell her "you're not here all the time to watch me" during one of my really horrible panic attacks followed by an exhausting hopeless crying episode. Physical pain isn't completely what made me tell her that I also asked her to take me to the hospital this weekend because I was so upset and depressed that I didn't trust myself with, well, myself. That scares me, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. I had a new antidepressant that was working great. I changed my diet. I'd tried yoga, liked it, and we are going to sign up for more classes plus I've been helping our friend Rachel with her kettle corn. I did really well with my first couple of freelance transcription jobs with Rev. I only made 3 dollars, but it was 3 I didn't have before. I have severe depression and anxiety, I know this, I expected some pills and changes in lifestyle aren't cure alls, but I wasn't expecting such a horrible smack in the face and worse, I don't know particular issue(s) are the cause. That only makes all of it that much more frustrating. I thought I was passed all of darker than black shit. Looks like my depression monster doesn't want to give me up so easily. The fucker.
The good news is, I've made our handfasting cord, we've ordered our cake topper, shoes, some jewelry, and something to make our wedding favors. We are still working on the invitations but they are almost half finished.