I shouldn't have to beg for this.

The clock is ticking downward day by day toward Amanda's and my wedding. The dresses are bought- although not completely finished- the guest list has been made, wedding party and duties designated, and the mock up of the wedding invitations finalized. It's going to be a very small affair and despite the lack of funds to do a dream wedding, we've got amazing friends who are helping us make it as lovely and perfect as possible. Not that either of us really want for much. Which brings me to the thing I wanted the most, my parents to be there.

My friend Rachel made that possible by buying my parents plane tickets. The stipulation was that I help her when she needed it at farmer's markets, which to be honest, I would have done for free any way if asked. That aside, to make sure this was going to work, I called ahead and asked my parents if this was okay, if they would come, and was given a green light. The tickets were bought and for the last month I have been helping Rachel out and have almost paid off the tickets.

So what's wrong? I spent more than a year, more like two agonizing- which seems like a strong word, but it depicts exactly how upset I have been over whether or not my parents would be there- over this issue. I've talked about paying for half their way, paying for all of it. I've politely asked. I've told them it's all I want. I've even basically, in as nice as way as possible, put my foot down and read my Dad the riot act to which he said he might be able to come up with a miracle to make it happen. Well, a miracle happened and things were really looking up. I was finally giving myself over to all the silly excitement and then my Mom mentioned something in yesterday's phone conversation about Grandma.

My parents are not doing well financially. They spend over 800 dollars in medication every month. My Dad doesn't always make enough money to pay rent and sometimes they have to ask my Grandparents for help. I know it kills my Dad to ask. I know he had ideas and principals in him where he feels like a failure and him not being able to provide completely twists him up. Both my parents have depression and pride issues. That's where I get. They will do what they can to help others before helping themselves. Which is why they are staying in Kansas instead of moving up here where there the job market is better and where they can live with us- rent free- for as long as they need. They won't leave Grandma and Grandpa. Which I wholeheartedly understand, especially since my Dad's sister wants to just throw them in a nursing home and leave it at that. Anyway, apparently Grandma has been getting after my Dad to find a different job since this one just isn't working out the way it was supposed it. Dad was promised certain things that just don't seem to be happening. Not his fault. Shit happens. Well, Mom said Dad can't get a new job now because he's coming to the wedding and they can't tell Grandma that because I don't want Grandma to know I am getting married. It is a religious issue- it would kill her if she knew it wasn't a Christian wedding. Then she said that she and my Dad feel like assholes that I'm running myself ragged so they can be here for my wedding. I told them not to, but my mom said they just do.

I kind of brushed that off and puttered along. Then Mom called today to ask me if something were to happen, if Dad got a new job and couldn't come, or if after her biopsy she couldn't travel, could she give the extra ticket to my Cousin Shi-Chan. I agreed, of course, I love my Shi-chan and it would be fantastic to have her here. But there is a problem with this. 1st, I'm scared about this black spot in my mom's mouth that she needs a biopsy on. 2nd, I'm really worried that's she's already decided that its going to be horrible, life threatening news and is planning to not be able to come to the wedding because- and she didn't say it but it was implied- undergoing chemo therapy. 3rd, I am a bit pissed that it is implied that I have trapped my Dad into the job he's currently working for the next three months and not able to do what he needs to find another one. 4th, I'm pissed that these seem like excuses to not to come.

You know, I should not have to beg my parents, who say they want to come, to come to my wedding. They do not have a problem with my being pagan. They do not have a problem with me being in a lesbian relationship. They don't even have a problem with me getting married. So why the fuck can't they just swallow their fucking pride and come up? That's the best gift they could ever give me. But I have beg? I have tried not to be pushy or selfish. I have let it go when they actually HAD money to come visit and didn't come see me up here. I've never ever been upset about having to drop everything and fly down to look after my Mom so Dad could work. I didn't even think twice about it, I just went, because they asked and because I was worried and wanted to help.

Fuck! At this point, my wedding has lost all of its excitement, all of its joy. I just want to get the paperwork from the city, have my officiant do a quick private ceremony, sign the paperwork, and then go on my honeymoon. If its not important enough for my parents, then it must not be that big of a deal period. So why put all this fuss and effort into it when I'm just going to be miserable all day that they aren't going to be there or that only one of them is. That's not fair to my friends who are putting time and energy into it. It's not fair to Amanda. And its not fucking fair to me. So fuck it.