I know I don't get everything I want. I know it doesn't hurt me to want. I've been told "No" so many times in my life that when someone says it, it doesn't really bother me and I am quite comfortable doing without, waiting, or working really hard to get what I want myself. My patience is limited but at the same time large in quantity. I am also pretty resilient most of the time and pretty adaptable. However, today is not my day.
I don't think my parents actually want to come to my wedding. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where I went wrong. Did I really ask too much?
I was never able to get the wedding dress I wanted for lack of funds, sewing experience, and so on. Amanda and I did the best we could with that we had and I am readjusting to make it amazing despite that but it is still a bit upsetting and kind of a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that everyone else will be better dressed than me and look really good in what they will be wearing. I am hugely fat so nothing looks good on me no matter how hard I try.
I've been fighting with leg swelling since before my hysterectomy and it's only within the last few days that I've had normal sized legs and feet- they looked mottled by the way for which I am talking to my doctor about, could just be from the fibromyalgia but just in case I want her to look at everything. I ordered a size larger than I wear for shoes for my wedding got a decently priced pair even. As in mine were more affordable than Amanda's and hers were even decently priced. Anyway, they arrived today and they don't fit. Amanda and Rachel could put them on, they were snug on them, but for having normal sized feet for once, for my feet being smaller than Amanda's, but I couldn't get my feet in them.
Why must everything I do or try to do or every "should be beautiful" life event in my life be met with struggle and tears. Why do I have to fight all the time?
Its not totally doom and gloom. I have some pretty great friends who are making this whole event for Amanda and I not a total wash. I can't even express how much I appreciate and love them for that. I think if it weren't for Amanda and my friends, I don't know that I could do any of it.
*hugs* I love you honey and it's going to be okay <3
ReplyDelete<3
DeleteI really hate it and feel irritated when life hands me a series of unfortunate events so I feel ya.
ReplyDeleteBut it will work out somehow. :)
I'm really hoping so. Yesterday I was feeling better about all of it and then I had nightmares about the wedding last night. Ugh.
DeleteBig Virtual Hugs, your Wedding will be Memorable for all of the right reasons because you are entering into the commitment with the Love of your Life so keep her as the focus and all will be Well. The Man and I eloped to Vegas, it was a hysterically inadequate Wedding and you know what, I had a run in my stockings by the time we got to the Altar and we both looked like we were before a firing squad, we were so freakin' Serious it is humorous to us now, all these years later. Nobody came and it was just us and some Vegas Padre and you know what, it was all Good, because he was The One meant to spend the rest of my Life with and we care less what anyone else thinks about our choice with each other. Not all Family 'approved', they had to learn to Deal with it... winks... You my Dear will look ravishing in the Eyes of your Love... try very hard to see yourself thru such Loving Vision and don't let the difficult days steal your Joy!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you too! Thank you very much for stopping by. I think your wedding sounds lovely, actually. I would just call it quits to our and elope if Amanda's mother wouldn't kill us and had I not told my parents that I refused to get married without them. That and I want Amanda to have fun and enjoy it.
DeleteI am trying to see myself in better light not just for the wedding but also in other areas of my life.