I am going to have to print this picture out as a reminder to myself.
Our vacuum broke and it is not an easy fix nor is this a good time for it to do so. My friend Rachel and I have both been sewing, she for her bride's maid dress (for another wedding) and me for my bolero. We have bits of thread and fibers from our respective fabrics littering the floor. This wouldn't normally be an issue- at least until the sewing is done- except that I have a certain black cat (Narcisa) who had pica. I have to keep half an eye on her and make sure she doesn't eat anything threads that escape the kitchen table. Last night I had to wrestle my hair brush from her because she was laying on it, rubbing her face on it, which was adorable, until she started eating the few strand of hair between the bristles. She is so bizarre.
The wedding is kind of driving me batty but it is slowly beginning to come together. This morning I finally felt a little brush of confidence in all our efforts. I had a vision of what I wanted and have constantly adapted it to suit what we could afford, and what is practical- in the sense of what I am up for. I haven't exactly been the excited, fluttery bride nor have I been a bridezilla. I've been the "okay, whatever" exhausted, sometimes crying, sometimes approaching everything with lackluster enthusiasm. You'd think, hey I'm getting married, let's do all the things and party. Nope, not me.
I know I have been overwhelmed by it all. Amanda and I had differing ideas, that was fine. I think we've come up with many compromises and have managed to work each other's ideas together fairly well. She is doing an amazing job writing up the wedding ritual and script (because we are pagan). I haven't really had the wherewithal to do that. I've needed to come at it from a different approach, more hands on, but I've had some trouble there as well. Between fibromalgia flareups, having really bad depression days, nightmares, panic attacks so bad Amanda threatened to take me to the hospital, working the plane ticket fares off with Rachel (so my parents could be here for the wedding), and just trying to generally figure out what the fuck I am doing, it's been really weird.
I have to remind myself that I had a major surgery seven months ago. My body is probably still adjusting. It most certainly has changed physically, which is something I am still struggling with. The way it's changed almost feels like another betrayal and when I feel betrayed, I immediately want to punish the offender. I don't, but I can't help feeling that way. There is also yet another overwhelming and quietly- yet at times screamingly suffocating sense of loss. It is exhausting.
While there are other things I have to remind myself of as well and I don't know where I am going or what the hell I am doing a good deal of the time. I know the things I want, but keeping myself going has been a kind of struggle. I keep telling myself to get back up, take another step, and keep moving forward. But to where? To what? What can I do like this?
Yuck.
Despite all of this, I am gaining more enthusiasm for the wedding on the whole. I have more sewing to do on my bolero. I am planning on finishing up the jars Rachel decided we needed for decor. She has this vision of luminaries along the path. That's cool, but they need to be finished. I'm thinking about scrapping the wine bottle luminaries because they will overtake the beautiful decorations a friend made. We need something smaller to complement them and I think I know what I want. So, I'll be crafting a lot in the next couple of days and maybe, when all the crafting, is finished, my house will get clean the way I really need it to be cleaned. It is a cluttered mess at the moment and I need to borrow a vacuum and mop the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom floors.
And I need to write my vows.
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