First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains".
On to the shit!
It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse.
My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed.
After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.
Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.
While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money.
I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.
So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered.
There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats.
Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming.
Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty.
I. Cant. Even!
By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot.
Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it. At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone.
And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now.
So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open. I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!
No comments:
Post a Comment