Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Life exploded in my face, keep it together, and listening to the rain.

First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains". 

On to the shit!

It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse. 

My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed. 

After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.

Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.

While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money. 

I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.  

So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered. 

There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. 

Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming. 

Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty. 

I. Cant. Even!

By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot. 

Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it.  At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone. 

And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now. 

So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open.  I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!

    

I could blame myself, I am at fault, but then it goes both ways, I must have jinxed myself, and health overall

I'm having a day of it, not feeling good, tired, listless, and in this one instance I happened to hop on facebook, I find that I can't find my pseudo brother at all, and his fiance is listed as single. I've texted my psuedo brother and gotten nothing back and much is the same from his apparently ex-fiance. I don't get it. They were so so great together. More importantly, why did neither of them tell me. A text, a call, skype, google hangout, a facebook message, e-mail, r even a snail mail letter would have worked. Certainly, I know I am terrible about picking up the phone and calling people, but they both know that and know why. There are other ways to reach me. I thought maybe it was all my fault that neither of them would tell me, but no, it's not. Both of them could have picked up phones and called me, e-mailed, texted, and all the aforementioned at anytime and I would have answered. But they didn't. I'm just so sad by it all. 

As far as jinxing myself, I think I did so yesterday when I mentioned to a friend that I was surprised that I didn't catch whatever it is that Amanda had. She's on the mend, that's for sure, but it seems today my stomach and I aren't friends, I'm tired, a little achy, and just lack almost all motivation to do anything. I kind of just want to curl up at the end of the sofa with Narcisa and sleep. 

My overall health is bothering me. Mostly, the more I think about it, the less I think the doctor I found and I are a good fit. I need someone who will actually do the things they say they are going to do. I can understand the leg surgery she had and her falling, but withholding information from me or pushing things off is not good. In fact, I don't appreciate it one bit. Honestly, it feels very much like I am a little kid being punished for something I didn't do. Which is kind of true, I am being penalized because I couldn't make my appointment and won't be able to reschedule until I can pay the fee.  

But, more importantly, at this rate, I feel that if I can't get a hysterectomy and get my hormones under control, I won't be alive much longer.  It doesn't seem to matter how little I eat, what I eat, or even if I exercise frequently, I still put on weight. I know I have fibromyalgia and the herniated disk, but I keep trying to push through all of that and get out, do things, walk, even when I am so tired I can't stand it. I am so tried of being angry and hating my own body. It;s mine, I should be happy with it, it's an amazing machine and I should spend more time being fascinated with rather than dreading whether or not I am going to be able to function during the day.  I am so tried of being tired I could scream. Most of all I am so tried of feeling like I am fighting a war with myself. 

Well there isn't anything I can do about it right now. I will have to deal with things tomorrow. Tonight I have to focus on making dinner and work on homework. I have a lot to do if I want to be finished in time to do everything I want to do this weekend. 

Good night my grouchy duke, Galen Galadmir

When I was 15 and very soon to turn 16, I told my parents I didn't want a birthday party or anything big. I just wanted a cat for Yoda, my other kitty. My Dad groaned about it but my Mom was all for it. She found Galen, who was really too little to be taken from his Mama at the time but the old couple who had him and the rest of his litter were just going to give him away any way. So I got this cute little black cat who had to be fed kitten formula via an eye dropper. He grew up grouchy and was an ass to mostly everyone but he had really sweet moments. For instance, he loved your pain. If I cried, he would let me pet him. He also really loved pizza. He'd steal it right off your plate if you weren't paying attention. 

Saturday night we took Galen to a 24 hour emergency vet clinic to be put to sleep. He'd had bronchitis for quite awhile and we'd tried medicine, antibiotics from the vet, and nothing seemed to be working. He lost weight and muscle mass could barely walk much less breathe, and Amanda and I both think he basically hung on long enough for us to return home from our trip to Seattle. We told him it was okay to go. We think he passed before the euthanasia was injected into his system. 

I miss him. I keep thinking he's in the other room drooling on something or glaring at someone. 

I am pissed at the nurse at the 24 hour clinic. I am not angry with her for telling us that by law they have to report and take a brain sample to test for rabies. I understand that as much as I know and understand that Galen was an indoor cat his whole life and only bit Amanda's Mom by accident when she was giving him his medicine while we were gone. What I am angry about is that she decided to tell us how they were going to do while he was still alive, in the room, and after we'd already decided and given in the okay for them to keep him and cremate him for us. We didn't have a place we could have taken him to for burial that night and we have dogs in our neighborhood. And I am angry with how long the nurse drug it out. I am angry with the doctor because she came in and wanted to put my cat on a cold metal slab when we'd already said we wanted to hold him. 

The only reason I didn't wait to take Galen to my vet was because he was suffering. I will be writing a review for the clinic. I will be writing a letter to the clinic's management but this will be done when I have had time to cool down and get my head on straight. I don't want the nurse to lose her job. I just want her to think before she speaks next time. 

On the matter of Fred Phelps Sr. A well hated man, black mark on my home state.

Yesterday I learned that Fred Phelps is dead. On Facebook I wrote: "Oh it's that kind of a day. On the upside, Fred Phelps is gone from the world. I don't think I am going to celebrate that no matter how disgusting I thought he was. I just don't care enough to feel anything." Later I learned that his family isn't a going to hold a funeral. Wait what? You're kidding me? Okay, I'm a bit peeved, but I will get to that in a moment.

Now, I am from Kansas, Wichita to be exact so I've actually seen the Phelps family and their cohorts, in Wichita, protesting with their ugly signs of hate. I think my Dad has even run into Fred Phelps' daughter (the lawyer), and if he hasn't I've at least heard him talking about her. In order to better understand the Phelps, I even watched a documentary on their family that Skoora found on the Internet. And there have been so many news articles about them plastered all over the web. Needless to say, I know who they are and what they are about.

The Phelps family delights in horrible events, in war, and they shit on the very country they seem to enjoy living in and the freedoms and rights this country grants them. Don't even get me started on what they say and do to the military. They "Thank God" for cancer and IEDs (improvised explosive device). They scream that everyone is going to hell because we don't believe the way they do, because some of us have different sexual orientations, different religious and political views, and different lifestyles. In the interview I saw, they seemed to have delighted in digging up the interviewers background and told him repeatedly that he was going to hell because he didn't live like they did. They picket funerals. Why picket a funeral, the person is dead, all you are doing is causing the family and friends of the deceased pain and that what's more, they seem to get off on it. Causing others pain makes them happy. That's not the true mark of a Christian.

As a Pagan and as a young woman in a 6 year lesbian relationship, you'd think that I might find them threatening. Well, I don't. The Phelps have made me very angry in the past, furious even. What they say and do disgusts me. Sometimes, when I see them mentioned, or I see one of their signs via a news article I get upset, but I try to just let it go. If I let them affect me, they win. Why should we let them win? Why should we let them have any sort of satisfaction what so ever? They don't deserve it.

Now as for them not giving Fred Phelps Sr. a funeral, that's just plain cowardice. What? Are they afraid that the very people they've hurt and alienated might show up to give them a taste of their own medicine? It would certainly serve them right! However, you know what I've seen from most of my friends (Christian, LGBTQ, Pagan and so forth), you know us 'evil-going-to-hell-folks'? Nothing of the sort. A lot of people feel sad for the family that they have to go through the loss of losing someone they cared about. A lot of people are reminding their friends to pray to the Phelps family, to extend sympathies and love to these walking monsters.

That's wonderful! Good for you for taking the high road. Hell, some people might be trying to "kill" the Phelps' brand of hatred with kindness and that's good I suppose, but why extend the effort at all? They don't care. They hate you remember? You're nothing and you're going to hell in their opinion. For my own part, I just don't care. I say we do nothing. I say we don't send them love, prayers, sympathy, or even best wishes. I say we ignore them. Become indifferent to them. Sure, it won't stop the problem, but if we stop letting them bother us, then their words and ugly hate signs don't mean anything. 

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I read a really clever joke (it was in the for of a friend's status message on facebook) today that I am sure will offend someone, somewhere in the world but here goes. "Over slept this morning and now I am suffering from Chinese disease." When someone asked her what that was she replied, "Dragon-ass" LOL, get it? If you do have a shameless giggle, if not, well never mind.

I have been "Dragon-ass" all day. I awoke with a migraine, never fun, and my back was hurting a little more than usual. So I got up, took some medicine, and tried to get the day started.

I don't think I accomplished much of anything today. I managed to the valentine's cards made for Skoora, managed to go with her for a few short errands, and read some e-mails and bitch about how fucktarded the political powers that be are in Kansas, my home state. House Bill 2453 basically says that if you are a christian or of a religion that hates gays or anything not straight, you can refuse services to those people. I shit you not this is a real bill. Dumb-ass pig fuckers. Yes, I am really pissed off about this and not going to censor myself.

Anyway, other than that I haven't really been able to focus on anything for very long today. I've just kind of zoned out off and on. I am going to call it a night and head to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I can get some reading and writing done, some research for a couple of things, and no be pestered by Skoora's mom too much.

Spray paint and flashing lights.

This week hasn't been a good week for me or my  Jeep. I went to visit a friend in the Sliver Valley here in Northern Idaho. She is one of my best friends and I love heading over to visit her. What I don't like is that she and her parents live in a dying valley. By dying I mean that most of the mines are in ruins and unsafe, have shut down due to accidents, and most people have moved away from what was once full of booming mining towns. (Someday, in the fall when it's pretty, I will take pictures.)

What's left are elderly, those that work for the highway, a few miners, and their families. However, the Sliver Valley has also become haven for druggies. There's a lot meth. Also there's not a lot of the kids to do so most of them are out having sex in middle and high school. Oh and did I mention the inbreeding? Oh yes, there is a lot of that going on and I've heard that from people who used to live there and people who used to work there. Did I also mention that there used to be a pretty heavy KKK movement in that valley. There are still some remnants left. I generally try to stay away from most people I run into down there because I typically get a weird vibe off them. They are very tight-nit and you definitely get the feeling that they don't like strangers. Not to mention that the valley itself is far to quite and eerie. There's been a lot of tragedy and death there.

But on to my point and why I am so upset with the people there sans my friend and her parents. Some shit head kid or kids didn't have enough intelligence to find something better to do and decided that spray painting cars and buildings would be fun. Mt friend's parents truck, my jeep, a neighbor's RV, the health building across the street, ad the Stop sign were all hit. Oh and to prove their lack of intelligence, who ever did the tagging, sprayed 'go' on the Stop sign. Wow, really? You couldn't come up with something other than 'go'. Nothing clever?

The Police had already come out and taken pictures before I'd gotten up for the day, not that I hold out much hope since the police aren't very effective down there. My friend's Mom pretty much refused to let me help her take the spray paint off my car. I guess she had something to help remove it. Most of it is gone and you have to get up close to see the tiny hints of it. I need to come up with something to thank her for taking care of it for me.

Now today, on the way to the library, I got pulled over. I was just about to the library on a road I don't often take but I'd gone to get coffee. Of course I'd forgotten that the speed limit changes half way from the coffee shop to the library. I was doing 36 MPH in a 25 MPH zone (I thought it was a 35 MPH zone). So, I got a ticket, or rather I have two options, both of which are expensive. I can either go to the police station and sign up for a driving course that will take 3-4 hours and the traffic violation won't how up on my driving record. Or, I can skip the driving course and just pay the ticket and have it go on my record. Since this is my first ticket (minus a 'fix it' ticket for my tail lights a few years ago), I am very interested in the class. Also the class is 75 bucks vs the 90 for the ticket. Still, I am really upset that I even got a speeding ticket. I am usually much more attentive.    

Damn it!

Today has been a day of lethargy and pain. I didn't want to read, watch TV, or a movie. Cooking and crafts were a flat no. I didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything in particular. Hell, I didn't even want to take a nap. So I decided the best thing to do was to get dressed and get out of the house for a bit and on my way out, I got a shopping list. 

So, I went to Denny's, hoping to sit and read for a little bit in peace. I forgot it was Sunday and a lot of people go out to eat after church. I didn't manage to read very much and since I didn't feel good, I thought if I ate a little something I might feel better so I ordered french toast. It didn't really taste good. It didn't taste bad either, I just wasn't really feeling it. I ate, paid my bill, and went to the store where I got some things for Skoora's Aunt. I also bought some kale, a bag of oranges, and 1 kaiser roll. 

When I got home I retreated into my bedroom to escape noise and well, because I didn't feel like socializing or watching hours of HGTV, even though I would be in the air conditioned part of the apartment.  That's when I knew something was really wrong. It still didn't get me out of my room. 

Dinner came and went and after I was finished eating I had myself a cry for no good reason. Since that just made me even more upset and made the headache worse, I decided that I need to, once again, get out of the house. 

Went to the park nearby and called my parents to chat and then came home. This time I took a shower and thought I was feeling better. I was until I decided to get on facebook and when I'd had enough of that, I logged on to Guild Wars and found no one online there. So here we are again. I'm hot, tired, have a really bad headache, I don't feel like doing anything, my back is killing me, and I don't want to do anything. Fantastic...

Well, I guess I will go drink a cup of coffee and chase it with water and lay down and rest. Maybe I can get some sleep. If not, I foresee myself taking another mid-night drive.