Wednesday, July 20, 2016

I could blame myself, I am at fault, but then it goes both ways, I must have jinxed myself, and health overall

I'm having a day of it, not feeling good, tired, listless, and in this one instance I happened to hop on facebook, I find that I can't find my pseudo brother at all, and his fiance is listed as single. I've texted my psuedo brother and gotten nothing back and much is the same from his apparently ex-fiance. I don't get it. They were so so great together. More importantly, why did neither of them tell me. A text, a call, skype, google hangout, a facebook message, e-mail, r even a snail mail letter would have worked. Certainly, I know I am terrible about picking up the phone and calling people, but they both know that and know why. There are other ways to reach me. I thought maybe it was all my fault that neither of them would tell me, but no, it's not. Both of them could have picked up phones and called me, e-mailed, texted, and all the aforementioned at anytime and I would have answered. But they didn't. I'm just so sad by it all. 

As far as jinxing myself, I think I did so yesterday when I mentioned to a friend that I was surprised that I didn't catch whatever it is that Amanda had. She's on the mend, that's for sure, but it seems today my stomach and I aren't friends, I'm tired, a little achy, and just lack almost all motivation to do anything. I kind of just want to curl up at the end of the sofa with Narcisa and sleep. 

My overall health is bothering me. Mostly, the more I think about it, the less I think the doctor I found and I are a good fit. I need someone who will actually do the things they say they are going to do. I can understand the leg surgery she had and her falling, but withholding information from me or pushing things off is not good. In fact, I don't appreciate it one bit. Honestly, it feels very much like I am a little kid being punished for something I didn't do. Which is kind of true, I am being penalized because I couldn't make my appointment and won't be able to reschedule until I can pay the fee.  

But, more importantly, at this rate, I feel that if I can't get a hysterectomy and get my hormones under control, I won't be alive much longer.  It doesn't seem to matter how little I eat, what I eat, or even if I exercise frequently, I still put on weight. I know I have fibromyalgia and the herniated disk, but I keep trying to push through all of that and get out, do things, walk, even when I am so tired I can't stand it. I am so tried of being angry and hating my own body. It;s mine, I should be happy with it, it's an amazing machine and I should spend more time being fascinated with rather than dreading whether or not I am going to be able to function during the day.  I am so tried of being tired I could scream. Most of all I am so tried of feeling like I am fighting a war with myself. 

Well there isn't anything I can do about it right now. I will have to deal with things tomorrow. Tonight I have to focus on making dinner and work on homework. I have a lot to do if I want to be finished in time to do everything I want to do this weekend. 

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