I have a minute

It's the end of the term so what does that mean for me? Relief dangling in the very near future that I'm crawling closer to everyday. 

This term of college has not been a good one. Worst of all, I don't really feel that I will have accomplished much by the end of it. Sure I will have good grades but it's really taken it's toll on me. I've found myself asking the question of "why am I doing this?" I know why. I want to be a better writer. I want to have my BA so when I am able to return to the work force I can actually go for a career instead of positions I have worked in the past. 

But this term has truly wiped me out. Getting sick in the middle certainly didn't help. Needless to say I've pretty much done homework, every day, all day, except the few days I've just had to decompress. However, I wasn't decompressing enough and that really took it's toll. On top of that I'm having some issues with my period again that are not helping. And it's been one thing on top of another. One issues or stressor compounding another. Ugh! Yesterday I was so exhausted, so just wiped, that for about half the day, intermittently mind you, I sat and stared at the wall. Of course that's when the depression and panic would kick in and I will admit to be a 30 year old woman who sat at her desk and cried while hugging a teddy bear. And then I got angry because of how ridiculous it all was, which only made me cry again. 

I did manage to get some homework done yesterday. I did the last learning module for the Context of Writing class and took the notes I should have taken for my paper weeks ago. Why I didn't take them weeks ago, two works, Math Hell. Since I got all of that done and out of the way yesterday, I can write my paper to day. And like last night, as soon as that is finished, I am going to do a little self care and watch something I want to watch (instead f what everyone else wants to watch) and crochet. Doing that last night really helped and I felt kind of good this morning when I awoke. Yes, I was in pain like I am everyday with the added bonus pain of a head ache, but otherwise, I felt much better. 

While I have been dealing with homework, there's been other things going on. We are deeply disappointed in a set of friends for one. We are in the continuing battle to balance things out here at home. We are looking for other possible places to move and looking for another job for Amanda. We are trying to get out and do things with the IEPG as often as we are able. Both of us are worrying over my parents and their situation. We are worrying about Amanda's parents as well. And I've got some troubling health concerns to discuss with my doctor. A couple people are pushing to me to get my thyroid levels checked. I'm worried that my wheat allergy has gotten worse. And I am beginning to have trouble with my legs swelling again. But going to the doctor will just have to wait until after New Year's. I just don't have time between now and then or the money up front for the lab work. 

On the plus side, both Galen and Narcisa are napping on the bed and they both look so adorable. I want to curl up next to them but I on'y took time out to write a blog to get my writing muscles warmed up so I can write my 9-12 page paper on Harper Lee and her book To Kill a Mockingbird.     

Skull for Skoora, pet cremation, and now I'm starting to panic...

Skoora is in love with skulls so the pic is for her today. I didn't used to like them, thought their empty eye sockets were creepy, but after having them around (fake ones that is) they don't really bother me.

Yoda is doing much better today. He actually went to the bathroom, drank some water, and then begged for some ice cream. He is still bloated and from everything we have read, it's kidney failure or at least the beginnings. And we just don't have the money to take him to the vet. When Yoda gets bad and is in pain, we'll have to take him to get put to sleep. I never wanted that for him, but it is what it is and I don't know what else to do. Skoora and I cried over this mess for quite some time last night. I know this shit happens, but why can't it happen to the people in my life who are rotten and horrible? Why does it have to happen to my cat? Yoda is my baby and he never did anything to anyone.

I was thinking about getting him cremated after he passes. But I am not exactly sure how much that will cost and of course the place in town that will do it, will probably want us to buy their urns, so it might just be better to bury him up on Skoora's families property in the mountains.

I am fighting the intense urge to take a nap today, even have a little mantra going in my head "you don't need a nap, you don't need a nap". Of course most of this is because I looked at my syllabus for both classes and immediately groaned then started to panic. I have some book work to do in my math class followed by a discussion board post and replies. But, I also have to choose a final paper topic and write a proposal and outline for it. The final paper has to be 10 pages long. I've already picked a topic and I might even have a back up if the instructor doesn't like it. I almost want to do the whole paper now but the college has it structured in a way that you have to turn certain things in at a certain time. Sometimes, breaking things up like that, makes it more difficult for me. Also, I really don't want to write a 10 page paper on math, I would have much rather taken algebra again instead of this class that was geared more towards writing. Shit, I made it to Pre-Trigonometry at ITT Tech (my credits didn't transfer). Oh and just so you know Math is not my favorite subject. I have a form of dyslexia wherein I tend to swap numbers and letters around. So 142 to a normal person sometimes looks like 241 or 124 to me. I've had lots of wrong answers because of that. Consequently, I also have trouble with spelling too.

Along side the annoyance of the math 10 page paper is another paper but this one in the WW2 class is also between 10-12 pages long. This one I think I might have a better handle on in some  respects because it deals with history. I've picked two topics from the topic list that I have an idea of, but I need to double check some things on one of those topics just in case. However, like the other class, this one is set up to have different parts turned in at different times as well. I understand that's to help the general student populace, but it's still really annoying to me. I think it's also to make sure people don't procrastinate (which is something I used to be and am still a little good at).

I am also panicking a little bit because it is week two of this term and while I understand that the college redesigned the WW2 course, there aren't any page numbers listed on black board to either of the three text books we are supposed to be reading. The teacher doesn't seem to know which pages we are to be reading either which doesn't make me feel any better, especially since she's taught the class six times already. She promised that the Dean is looking into it. Oh and did I mention that the third text book wasn't even on the class required materials list when I went to buy books? That's really shitty. Good thing the college online library has it, else I would be calling up my Grandmother to borrow the money for an extra text book.

Okay, I admit it, when it comes to school, I really like everything to be neat, cohesive, and to be spelled out. Tell me what you want and I will do it. I don't mind being creative with it, I don't mind doing extra thinking and what not, I am not a lazy student, but at least tell me what you want so I can give it to you.

Of course, I probably wouldn't be so frustrated if I wasn't currently anemic and still bleeding very heavily. When I spoke to my Grandmother yesterday, I learned that she, too, has been anemic off and on, and the best thing I can do is to eat lots of leafy greens, red meat (which has actually doubled in price here recently- you can buy ground turkey for less and that's a shocker), and take iron supplements. I've already been taking the iron; the rest of it, we'll see what we can do when we go to the store tomorrow.

For now, I am going to attempt to get something be it homework, another blog, book plotting or looking at some more information on setting up an etsy shop for my sewing endeavor, done. I need to find some more pattern ideas online too and bookmark the ones I want to buy. Either way, something will get done today even if I have to have Skoora smack me to keep me awake.      

Don't stop rockin your right to fright! School, books, and a Jeep!

We recently bought (splurged when we really shouldn't have) Monster High: Frights, Camera, Action! I've seen it twice and even though I figured out the plot pretty quickly (I generally tend to do that with most movies and even books), I really really liked it. But then again my favorite character is Draculara. Anyway, the song has been stuck in my head for the last couple of days and it would probably help if I quit listening to it... But it's so damned catchy!

My college called again. This time it was my personal adviser. Apparently one of my classes is really heavy and not a lot of fun so she wants to see if we can change it around. I don't know why, I am going to have to take it anyway. It's one of the required. I called her back but she was out of the office so I am waiting to hear back from her. I'll just see what she has to say and see what else we can do. I need to know soon so I know what books I need and how much they are going to cost. 

*edit: I just got off the phone with my adviser. She is really great and wanted to tell me about a different math class that is so much better. There's a wait list so we decided to just put me in a fiction workshop instead and do the new math class at a later date. Works for me! (excited!)

Speaking of books, I am reading one called Witch Fire. I actually read the 2nd book first (because I invariably seem to read the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th in a series before the 1st. To curb that, I've been checking books online before I buy them or borrow them from the library). I didn't really like the style or the voice in the 2nd book and I didn't really like it in the 1st book. I probably won't like it in the 3rd and 4th either, but what I do like about this series are the ideas and plot line. It's really interesting and not something I have seen before. 

As for my jeep. Skoora's Dad insisted that we take it to a dealership to have it checked. The exam for the car was supposed to have been free. Or so I understood it. They lied. They also didn't seem to find anything wrong (because my jeep is a little brat and behaved perfectly for them). So they changed out some filter and the whole shenanigan cost a little over $100. Really? Whatever... Also they ran my gas down so now I have to come up with some gas money or I can't even use the car to see if they actually fixed the problem. 

I am all over the place today. I kind of feel like I just need to step away and take a nap (I didn't sleep very well last night, I have lots of nights where the chronic physical pain keeps me awake or wakes me up and you know what, it really sucks). Unfortunately, that nap is just not going to happen.

Out of control...

Things in my little corner of the world have grown very complicated and I am stuck feeling very much like a boiling pot of anger and high strung tension that is ready to burst, raining down vengeful wrath on all who are in my wake. No joke, I'm serious.

I've mostly come to terms with moving back to Idaho. It never takes me long to get settled with an idea or notion. I'm not saying that I am flaky, just that I adapt and adjust pretty darn well to new or altered situations. I still haven't told my Grandparents but I will eventually, when I am ready.


The weekend family problem with my cousin Amanda has gotten a little better and a little worse in some ways. For the better, my Cousin had to sign over temporary custody of her daughter to my Aunt. For the worse, She lied to the social work on so many levels. My uncle used to be a bouncer at a strip club and also at a bar and had a few battery charges against him that were dropped, but she used that against my Aunt and Uncle so now my Uncle can't live in his own damn house while her daughter is there. Also, my Aunt only has custody of the little girl until Cousin Amanda goes into some family treatment program that's supposed to help her get of drugs and alcohol.  Cousin Amanda give up pills and booze? Maybe long enough to get her daughter back but as soon as she has her and is off the radar, she'll go back to using. And she's supposed to get rid of Shelby, but we all know she hasn't because my Aunt heard him talking in the background of their phone call today.

There is more to this horrible situation, like the little girl being scared and afraid to let go of my Aunt or have my aunt out of her sight. There's that she's telling people that she hates her mom and she hates Shelby and that they both hurt her. All of it just makes me furious! Especially when I know she's going to be put back in that situation all over again.

Once again I find myself asking why all the bad people get everything they want while all the good people have to eat shit.

Now on to school. I've had my ups and downs with school, but that is to be expected. However, last night, I just about blew my top. I finally got to meet the instructor who is supposed to be teaching my DC Electronics class and he is a massive dick! Everything he said and did just rubbed me wrong, especially when he treated my lab partner and I like we were idiots. Worse, he was condescending and rude, impatient. And he talked about the class to his Senior students as if we were all a bunch of idiots right in front of us. I can honestly say that I will be extremely glad to be away from him when I transfer after I move. Oh and I met the new department chair for my department, he's kind of a jerk too.

And today hasn't been the easiest of days on the home front either. My back has been bothering me a lot. I can walk and move around but I can't stand as long as I have been able to and I have pain shooting down my leg. I really don't like taking my pain meds, but today I really had to. If that wasn't enough, I had the hiccups all day long! That was really annoying. Plus my Aunt came over and ranted at me and then my mom came down and told me what I was and wasn't going to do and for the rest of the day she bothered me every ten minutes. She needed this or that or wanted me to do this or do that. I lost my temper a few times.

All that aside, I got to sort of watch Ghost Hunters and Paranormal Witness on SyFy tonight. That was nice. I really find those shows interesting. Just for curiosities sake, I even went online to see if there were any paranormal groups up in Idaho. There are, not that I will be joining in anytime soon, but it's nice to know they are there if I ever want to check them out. 

In my doldrums again...

This week has been one hell of a week and it's not even close to being finished. Whew! We've definitely been running around like headless chickens and all over the city, literately. Weekend last my Dad blew up at my girlfriend for sticking up for me. That wasn't very nice of him especially over the subject matter which I won't get into. And no, it's not over our relationship if that's what you're thinking.

So, my girlfriend and I have spent every morning and into some afternoons this week apartment hunting. We are trying to stay out of the southwest part of town and I don't particularly want to live in the southeast part either. However, if I have to, I have to and at least I will be closer to school, not sure how safe we will be. We did find a row house and the land lady of said row house seems to really want us to move in. She was making all kinds of offers and was extremely nice. There are some really positive advantages to the place and some very negative ones. One being that it's quite a bit small and I'm not sure we can fit everything we own inside. Another being what part of town its in and the neighborhood. Still we have a friend who lives there and no one has bothered her... yet.

Another option is to live in the town houses my parents live in but the buy in price is $8500.00. Of course you can pay half of that when you move in and some other things. However, there is yet another option that is very similar. There are another set of town houses not too far from where my parents live owned by the same company. They are smaller, have no basement, but the buy in price is cheaper. The down side, rent will be higher and we could only have one animal. I have two cats and they have been with me since I was in my mid teens. I can't just give them up and I can't choose which one to take. So I am not sure the second town houses are really an option. We are still looking and watching the local ads to see if anything else pops up that looks appealing and within our budget.

Now about the picture above. Yes, that is Torchwood! My mom got me hooked on the new season, Miracle Day. This week, while Dad was out of town for work, she snagged me we started watching season one on Netflix. I really do love it! Capt. Jack Harkness is wonderful! If I could, I'd hug him.

Aside from all that, I've gotten all depressed again. I'm worried about my grade in that stupid networking class I just finished. I get that while IT students and professionals need it and enjoy it, it was the most stressful class I have had. Even math doesn't compare and I loathe math. The fight with my Dad has been bothering me because no matter what I say or do, nothing has changed and will ever change. I'm still looking for a part-time job and just down right depressing. And I keep analyzing and going over things in my head, things I can't do anything about, which is annoying and depressing as well. On the upside, I've lost weight, 18 pounds.

Posting on 3 hours of sleep and absent my glasses...

Yes, as the title states, I am posting on merely 3 hours of sleep and I've left my glasses downstairs thinking that I was only getting up to see where my girlfriend and cats went. I ended up playing on my computer and grabbing a couple of crackers to munch on. If there are any terrible errors, just remember that I can't see the text clearly and no, I am not going to go fetch my glasses so I can.

Anyway, thankfully, the migraine induced by my homework went away thanks to the help of some medication and sleep. I have two more sessions of this class and hopefully I will be finished with it.

Learned something new last night/ 3:30 am, when I finally finished with my homework. I have not been keeping up with some political blogs that I try to keep up with and come to find out, Vice President Biden has decided that anyone in the Tea Party is a "terrorist" and when confronted with it by a Tea Party member, President Obama pretty much agreed without confirming or denying. It's nice to know that people who want to return to the ways of smaller government and the ideals and principals that this country was founded on are now known as "terrorists". And of course the gov, officials won't just stop at naming Tea Party members and activists, they'll move on to plain old Libertarians and anyone else who doesn't think like them. Nice to know my country is run by a bunch of spoiled children who piss on you when they don't get their way and piss on you again just for the hell of it. Really, it's enough to make anyone question their sanity.

Speaking of sanity, I think I am very quickly losing mine. Yesterday I got into a fight with my girlfriend. She decided that picking a fight with me about my very mild case of road rage was a good idea and then progressed onto other issues. When I got home my mom demanded to know what was wrong with me and I finally told her after several minutes of her nagging me. That of course turned into a fight when she accused me of being inconvenienced the night before last by having to stay the night at Grandma's. Let me make this clear, I am never inconvenienced or put out by having to stay the night at Grandma's. I love staying the night over there. The cause for this impromptu stay was that Grandma was sick and needed some help. I was glad to stay but my mom always likes to think the worst of me. *sigh* Mom and I will probably have issues until the day one of us dies.

To end on a much lighter and safer note, I was in my parent's bedroom last night gathering up some laundry and saw a tidbit of a SciFi show called Eureka. Two of the cast members from The Guild were guest starting on the episode, Felicia Day and Will Wheaton. I didn't stay to watch the episode, I had homework to do and laundry, but it was really nice to see them on TV.

An early morning farewell, a door opens, and some tid bits.

Aside from this piece of art being one of my favorites, I thought it was an appropriate image for how I feel at the moment. If one were to turn the Knight into the apartment my girlfriend and I are vacating, the Lady would be myself saying a soft and sweet farewell. Yet somehow I feel as if I could be the Knight riding off to said apartment to battle the task of moving out. However, for us we will not be returning to the happy and relieved arms of our apartment when all is said and done.

For the last week I have been scrambling and packing with a firm, unrelenting and dreaded deadline in fast approach. My back is still giving me much grief, my knees have decided to join the pain parade, and due to the extreme heat here in the mid-west, this moving experience has not been a pleasant one. In fact, I have been so frustrated and so stressed from lack of boxes, lack of time, or this or that, that I have quite literally tossed any sense of organization out the window and am just packing things as I go along in plastic sacks, trash bags, luggage ect... But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have very little left to pack and just have a little cleaning to do and come Friday afternoon, we'll turn in our keys and say "So long and thanks for all the fish".

My one class this quarter isn't going as well as I had hoped. I just got an update on my grade for the class and nearly cried. After all the work I put into making sure I had my book work done, I have a big, whopping F for the class and that's due to me not being caught up on the labs (which I am still in the process of doing). On top of that we just had a test with a study guide of over 100 questions and I studied and I looked over the study guide before the test and when I got the damned test it was only 15 questions long. Then my instructor went over the test after everyone had it handed in. I am pretty sure I only got 3 questions right. So, since my back was really giving me trouble and I was depressed, I left school during the second break.

However, despite all the negative, harrowing, and depressing things going on in my life right now, I had my first therapy session yesterday. I decided that I was going to see if I could get a therapist through social services program just so I could talk to someone outside my network of people and see if I couldn't get some other ideas on how to cope with stuff yada yada yada. Anyway, her diagnosis of me was that I have severe depression (I already knew that) and I have some social phobias. The session went well, I really like her, and she had some interesting things to say. I go back in two weeks and she said that she would have some things outlined for me to help me better deal with some of the problems I am dealing with. Leaving her office felt like a door opening to something really good. I really felt better.

Fun tidbits, my Dad helped me get the Dragon mask for this year's Dragon festival in Guild Wars. It;s pretty cool and eventually I'll log on and get a screen shot of it. My Mom and I are going to play with some of the gemstones she's been collecting and make some jewelry together and she's excited to show me some new TV series she's been watching. In a week or two we will have a friend from Idaho coming down to visit us, which will be awesome since we haven't seen her in almost two years! We really want to see her sister too, but they don't have anyone to take care of their animals so she's staying behind and will come later this year.

And lastly, I started watching this anime on Hulu while waiting for my Girlfriend to get off work one night last week. So far so good. I've only seen 4 episodes but it's interesting and when I get some more time I am really looking forward to seeing the rest of it.

Take a personality test? I really rather not...

Last night I had to take some personality tests in my Strategies class. I was not looking forward to them, I figured I didn't need a test to tell me that I am a grumpy, paranoid-hider, and there was that dreaded word 'test' that put me off as well. But I have a 100% in the class and skipping a class because I don't want to do something just isn't in my programing, so I went and took the damned tests.

It wasn't so bad, I learned some new things about myself, and was actually fascinated enough to take a few more when I got home from class.

My results were that I am:
Introvert- someone who likes to spend time alone. Meaning that big social gatherings can actually wear me out.

Sensing- someone who gathers information through their five senses, like concrete facts and details, have a great deal of common sense.

Feeler- someone who makes decisions based on what they feel is right and just, they are people pleasers, like to have harmony and value other’s opinions and feelings. This is me to a T! Seriously. Let me tell you something, sometimes it is exhausting. Also, just because I am feeler doesn't mean I'm going to let you walk all over me.

Judger- someone who is very orderly, must have a great deal of structure, good at setting goals, a person who seldom plays before they work. I grew up with the saying "First we work and then we play, it's always much more fun that way," and that's the truth.

At the end of that test they defined me as a Conservator: Someone who desires to be of service and minister to individual needs, very loyal. Interesting fact, Conservators only make up 13.8% of the population, but what population I'm sure as to what they are referring, the USA, those that took the test, or world population.

I also learned that I am a Verbal, Linguistic person meaning that I "Communicate well through language, likes to write, is good at spelling, great at telling stories, loves to read books". Well that was spot on!

But I also have these learning styles: Sensing, Visual, Reflective, and Sequential. That makes a lot of sense since I like everything to be step by step in the right order and hate jumping around, most of all in my writing- in that I am very linear.

I am also very much reflective, I may not answer someone right away because I am thinking. It's not because I am slow, it's because I really like to think about it. For instance, the night we had Fish bowl at 1740, I had a very difficult time because I needed to break away and think about the things we were talking about rather than pop out an answer and fumble and 'ramble".

Visual, we get the picture, I like pictures and remember pictures better, which is why I can remember people and what they were wearing. Which, in turn, brings me to sensing, and that's where I use all five senses to gather information.


I am Left Brain Dominate, meaning that I am more literal, orderly, and to the point. And good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. Also, I apparently can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, feel lost when things are not clear, and doubt anything that isn't stated and proven. (I sound like a Vulcan in this respect)

So, I suppose this is where I would say, if I don't talk much or seem standoff-ish sometimes, it's not because I don't like you or don't want to participate in conversation or activities, it's because I am all of the above. I wonder if being an only child has any impact on any of that... Must go research.

They said: "Blah blah blah" & Going back to college apparently.

So, had my appointment with ITT Tech today. It was a really nice meeting, got a lot of questions answered, pretty much narrowed down what area of study I am going for, and will be going back tomorrow for an appointment with financial aid. That's mostly the scary part. Grants and a possible scholarship okay, but student loans... Ehh *cringe* I really hate the thought of loans because with loans there is interest and payments and being in debit and lets face it, I'm already in debit and not really looking forward to anymore.

But I took my information to my parents house and talked to them. Called my Grandma and talked to her and told my Cousin Shi-chan about it. With Their support and the support of my GF, I was feeling pretty good and like I might be able to do this school thing again. Frankly, getting a degree that's not in English or Creative writing scares me because writing has been my unfaltering, unwavering dream since I was 13. This degree, the one I am enrolling in, is Computer and Electronics Engineering Technology. Basically I would be fixing computers and electronics. But I think even if I get through school and start working, in the mean time I can still write and even after that I can still write. It's not like I want to be some big famous author, but I would like to make the best sellers list at least once. And really, to be quite honest, I would just like to have a couple of books published. I've never written for fame but for myself and for people to enjoy my stories.

BUT...

The GF called her brother to update him. Now we had previously cut of her brother and his wife due to some really horrible things they had said and done to the GF's parents. That aside we are apparently on talking and friendly terms with them. Well, GF's brother had to go and rain on the little "finally something positive and moving forward" parade. Apparently his online school is better where as mine where I get to actually have hands on experience sucks. But then again he's been trying to get his degree in the same field for over 10 years and I can basically do it at ITT Tech in two years at the most.

And then there is the fact that we are apparently going to the Zoo with them on Saturday. I kind of want to but I kind of don't. Supposedly things have changed with the Gf's brother and his wife, supposedly things are better, supposedly this and supposedly that but then everyone told me the wife was better before I saw her again and it was worse. She was one of my best friends and then shit hit the fan within the family and it was like I was looking at a different person. It was like walking on egg shells and glass, one wrong word spoken, one wrong move and there was hell to pay. I'm really not looking to welcoming that kind of stress back into my life but then again, what if this time it really is different and things really have changed for the better? Still, I'm nervous and don't want things to be a competition again. I don't like competing against people in that "who's got what that's better or does what that's better" and what not.

*sigh* Well, I suppose I should decide if I want to play some Guild Wars or watch a movie for the next few hours then hit the hay.

Some days

Yesterday I called about that job interview I had last week. I was turned down yet again. This is getting ridiculous and I've just about had it and think that going in guns blazing looking really pissed off is about the only way I will ever get anyone to take me seriously... Then again I just might end up in jail. O.o But hey at least these people were nice and didn't give me the run around like so many other places *cough* Borders *cough* Wal-mart and both of those places repeatedly. I figure if they can hire most of my friends and some of my family why not me. I certainly have better work histories than a lot of them. Anyway, I decided that I am finished looking for a job for awhile and going to pursue college again. So I have an appointment later today with an ITT Tech admissions guy. Dad told me they will give me a really big sales pitch but I don't care. I just want to some questions answered and to see if their programs are worth investing in. Also, I want to know if I will qualify for Pell Grants else there is no way in hell I can pull it off.

I've had a new story idea come up that will make a rather nice fantasy/romance/possible tragedy novel. I've got some character outlines written up, a map partially drawn, and know hoe the story will start and a few plot points. I actually started the first page yesterday with a working title and "Chapter One". And that's as far as I got.

Dad's on vacation on again so we've been playing Guild Wars off and on, when I can get over to my parent's house. He's helping me with Nightfall because he's farther in it. So far so good, we knocked out two missions and a quest and we'll probably knock out some more this evening.