Suicidal deer and Rosario Vampire

Rosario Vampire

I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to deer and highways, all intelligence leaves deer. I have seen them walking along the highway several times, right up on the shoulder or in the ditch. If that isn't startling and scary enough, there was one in the road a few years back and I was lucky enough to have enough time to slow down and move around it. But last night, I didn't have enough time to really slow down and that stupid deer stood there like an idiot. Thankfully, either the little deer whistles on my jeep scared it or it finally had enough sense to know it was in trouble because it scampered off the road. However, when I looked in my rear view mirror, I saw that dumb thing walk right back out onto the road. What? One close call wasn't enough for it? Or maybe it was having a fight with it's buck and in a dramatic display was going to play chicken and nearly get itself killed. Who can say. It sure was dumb in  any case and we arrived home without being hurt. 

I hear tale that a friend of mine didn't like Rosario Vampire and I'm not sure why. It's crack anime! Silly, and I love it! Then again I rarely find anime that I don't like. Anyway, I started the series a couple of months ago but never really got around to finishing it. So I tried to watch an episode last night but fell asleep. Of course I couldn't let that slide, so this morning, while getting ready for the day, I watched some more and ended up watching three episodes. I'm on season 2 and just saw that there is a manga while looking for a picture for this post. Yay! I'll be putting that on my reading list especially since I really haven't read manga for awhile.

For the more adult portions of my day, I'm not sure what I am going to make for dinner. We don't really have much in the house so it's up to me to piece stuff together to make something tasty. I don't have to clean anything, thankfully, and so I have pretty much the whole day to work on novels. YAY! Well, that and read some of my library books.  

You know you're a geek when...

Skoora was telling her best friend about a new TV show on Fox called Sleepy Hollow. (The pilot wasn't bad and we're interested in seeing where they go with the show.) She has decided that just from said pilot episode that the show will be like Inuyasha so far as character relationships are going to go.
That there will be some twisted love triangle between a dead person, a person out of time and so forth. That's when I decided that you know you're a geek when you can compare main stream tv characters to anime characters.

Since we've been visiting friends for Skoora's birthday, we've been out and about a little bit. I've felt a bit bad because I can't go as far or as long as everyone else but I've kept up pretty well and I sit and rest when I need too. Consequently, I managed to hurt my back when I was scooting my chair closer to the table at dinner earlier....um well that was yesterday now I suppose since it's seven minutes to 4 am. I'm having a little bout of insomnia which baffles me because I was so tried all day.

Anyway, we've gone to Starbucks twice this weekend and are planning to go again tomorrow. Frankly, that's a real treat! We also managed to walk into Hasting's on the day they were having a 'half off all used books, DVDs, and music' sale. I was able to get three books. Skoora got a book and a movie that she wanted and we spent $15.

Speaking of shopping, I ended up with a new shirt from Wal-mart because I trusted Skoora when she said she would pack some clothes for me. She packed everything but shirts and since it is chilly and I don't have a coat, I found a long sleeved shirt. We normally wouldn't do that, we'd just wear a previously worn shirt, but we need to do a little clothes shopping anyway. We share clothes and we both wear our shared clothes until they are worn out. I recently went through our closet and sent things we weren't wearing, that were still in good condition, to a 2nd hand store and got rid of things that were on their last leg. It's kind of funny, we have so many old T-shirts that are worn out or too small but we wanted to keep that we've decided to make a T-shirt quilt. I'll be the one doing all the sewing of course, but I don't mind. I still have a shirt that my Dad got me when I was little that has a raccoon on it.

Skoora received Monster High dolls for her birthday. I will have to find places for them in the 'haunted house' she made for the dolls for Halloween. She was so excited to get Caty Noir. Of course talking about Monster High dolls you'd assume I was engaged to someone much younger, but I assure you, she turned 30 the day before yesterday. We both just really like Monster High, anime, My Little Ponies, and other kid like stuff and we aren't ashamed of it. We are proud of it and better yet, its something that makes us happy.

All of that aside, I need to try and sleep again. Hopefully, this time I'll be able to.     

Fall Finally!

It's that time of year again! My favorite time of year, Fall/Autumn. Tomorrow is Mabon and we are heading out of town tomorrow morning to spend it with some friends who couldn't make it up. Tomorrow also happens to be Skoora's 30th birthday.

We finally got the fall/Halloween decor from the garage. I spent most of yesterday putting it up, not because we have so much, we actually don't have much at all, yesterday I was just feeling really bad physically. Thankfully it's not much work to put some window clings up, put faux flowers in in vases, and set up the few little nick-knacks we have. Skorra made a 'haunted doll house' out of cardboard boxes for our Monster High Dolls.

I feel so much better now that that awful medicine is out of my system. Well, at least I feel more like my usual self. Aside from that I've just been tired, but that's kind of become a normal feeling in the last year or so, so I'm not all that worried.

What I am worried about is Yoda-chan, my eldest cat. At first I thought he was having trouble with arthritis he's a 16 year old cat, it's to be expected. But then Galen, my other cat, has been bullying Yoda a lot more than usual and really trying to push his way in closer to me. Which is very strange because he's always been an anti-social ass. Now, I think it's all of the above. Yoda is a pretty clean cat but I haven't really seen him groom lately and he has mats in his fur, several of which I've had to cut out. He also spends most of his time hiding/sulking under my bed. Usually hes out and sitting with me. And he's really pissed because I keep cleaning the litter from his paws. He doesn't seem to understand that peed on litter stuck in his fur and caked around the pads of his feet isn't a good thing and since he insists on back up into where he just peed instead of walking straight on through the litter box, he's going to have to put up with getting his paws washed. I don't want to find cat litter in my ear again or in my hair. He likes to sleep on my pillow sometimes. I am going to see if I can get him to quit pouting and perk up a little and if he doesn't then I need to talk to the vet to see if there is something that can help him feel a little better, more like himself so he can at least fight Galen back.

A night of no hope and everything in between

Remember that last post? Yeah, well that all me only I was having a manic episode from the new medication my doctor put me on. I can't believe I had such a strong reaction to the lowest dose! It was insane! I was insane! I had manic episodes. I was shaky all of the time. I was often exhausted and yet at the same time I'd felt like I'd drank a whole pot of coffee. I was tense, felt restless, and if I wasn't sleeping, I was talking almost non-stop, having a laughing attack, or sobbing. 

Thankfully, my Doctor was wise enough to take me off the medication and switch me over to something else, something that has worked in the past. But in the last couple of days I've had to deal with withdraw symptoms. Oh boy does that suck. I'm still having manic moments and then the other night, I had one of the worst emotional crashes I've ever had. 

I lost every bit of hope I'd ever had for anything. There was no point to anything any more. No reason to save money because I would never see my family again unless it was to go to their funerals. No reason to read books because the escape isn't like it used to be (that has something to do with my living situation). No point writing because there's so much wrong with my writing and trying to write while manic was so easy but so stunningly awful I should have been slapped for daring to read it out loud and every other story was pointless. No point in crafts because they cost money to do, time to make, and so forth. No point in fighting for disability they're never going to give it to me. I won't get help for my back so I can get back on my feet. No point in try to lose weight when everything I've done hasn't helped AT ALL. You I actually thought about using the scissors to cut open my leg like they do to the whales they pull up on the beach. It would be so easy. And it would be easy for every one to get on without me being here to drag them down too. All my family and friends in Kansas do it just fine. Kind of like out of sight out of mind. That will continue. 

Really I could go on and on and the point is that I was in such a dark place that even though I was sobbing and panicking, there was an eerie calm settling in. I think if Skoora hadn't been sitting right there trying to talk me through it, I probably would have just killed myself. I think I actually said something about not being able to kill myself because I had no life insurance so just trying to get rid of my body would cost too damned much. 

I really try not to complain, whine, or bother people with too much. There's only so much you can fuss about being people just get tired of it and I've never wanted to be one of 'those' people people don't want to be around. I really try to save my venting and complaining for here and even here I hold back. But this, this was something I needed to get out. It's gotten bad, really bad. I really need to get in and talk to a therapist but mine made me feel like she didn't want me there. Mine made me feel ugly and horribly fat. I have to request another therapist but it's so hard for me. I will be going to the same office as my old one. It;s awkward, it's uncomfortable, and even though I know they aren't allowed to talk about patients, I am so paranoid that I think they will anyway. I honestly have some serious trust issues.  But like I said I just really need to request a different therapist. I also think part of what is holding me back is the fact that it costs money to go and we just can't keep paying the clinic that much money a month on top of my medicine costs, and so forth.

That all aside, I am trying to work on the new story. I really like the idea and I like the beginnings of the characters. It;s just after that manic day of writing and the bouts of mania that I keep having, it's hard for me to settle down and be comfortable enough to write or have much confidence in writing. And that has to stop. It really, really does. 

It's just some days I get tired of all the waiting, all the fighting, and I just want some time to not have to worry about anything. I am tired of forcing myself out of bed, getting dressed, shifting into a mostly-no-nonsense-get-myself-into-gear-and-get-moving kind of attitude and making myself get out of the house. But I know if I quit doing it, I will screw myself over so badly I won't be able to get going again. You know what, it fucking sucks!

Getting somewhere, I think?

Guess what! It's September and in my book it means that it is Fall! Well, almost but this is when I start digging out the fall decorations. I'm not able to get to them just yet this year but hopefully next weekend.

I do have a sad note. I think my eldest cat, Yoda-chan, has arthritis. I am going to talk to the vet and see what we can do for him to help ease the pain. I thought maybe baby aspirin would work but I read on several websites that it's not all that great, especially long term. However, giving my kitty soft massages were on the helpful list and I have already been doing that. I just hope the vet has something affordable. Speaking of Yoda, some of his fur just flew in my face but that's because I've been petting him and have the fan on high.

Speaking of said fan, I had to turn it on high because I woke up sweating. Yay, my fever broke. Boo, I woke up in the middle of the night again! Also, part of the reason I woke up was because my upstairs neighbor seems to like to stomp around instead of walk. So I listened to that for about half an hour before giving up and just getting up.

Since I decided to be up I read for a little bit and then decided that I wanted to write, even if it was word vomit. So I put out about half a page and decided that was a good start to the chapter. I switched a few things around and that seems to have helped me out. I think that's progress of a sort.

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep again. I need to get up semi-early to go to the grocery store since we are out of food. I should probably make a shopping list but I can do that in the morning or rather in a few hours when I get up again. 

Cats

I had very strange and crazy dreams last night but I'm not going to go into that. No, today I'm keeping it short.

I awoke to face nuzzles from Yoda-chan and it was so nice and sweet I almost didn't get out of bed but you know the urge to pee is strong. As I headed out of the room Yoda started mewing and followed me. The brat wasn't nuzzling me because he loves me. He was nuzzling me to wake me up so I would get out of bed and clean the cat puke out of his food dish. I mean the nuzzles could have been partly out of love but really, he was just hungry.

Last night I had to fight him for my dinner. This morning he was after my cereal even though I have told him over and over that the milk is't really good for him.

Aside from that I hurt and today is going to be a very slow moving day. *sigh*

Something fun came in the mail today!

Today as I was getting ready to take Skoora to work and get myself out of the dourness of the house, the mail woman came and dropped off some packages. One was the filters for the cat's water dish. Another were some small Christmas/Yule presents Skoora ordered for friends. But the last was the Lindsey Sterling CD! I can't tell you how excited I am to have it, finally! I've listened to most of it on Youtube but we finally have the CD and I won't have to listen to the incessant ads on Youtube that jar me when I'm in a decent writing rhythm. Don't get me wrong, I love Youtube, but there are days the ads just really get me.

I'm back at the library for the moment. I wanted to get a few things started for the day since I am feeling a tiny tiny bit better. I will probably head home in a few minutes. It's getting to be lunch time and I need to find a more comfortable place to write today, more comfortable for my back that is. It was pretty bad last night. I couldn't sleep for anything, couldn't find a comfortable position to lay, and worse, I was sweating. We had the window open with a fan pulling in the 63 degree F air and another fan pointed at me and both were set to medium. I ended up sitting on the sofa with the air conditioner on completely ready to just see how much writing I could get accomplished. But writing didn't happen because it was then that I cooled off and the pain had lessened enough that I could finally sleep.

The last couple of days have been full of sleep and we can blame the medicine for that. I've been rather pissed and sad due to that but there wasn't and isn't much I can do about it. If I can't stay awake, then I can't write and frankly, with as bad as it's been I'll take the sleep. Seems like blasphemy to say such a thing. Oh well. I am going to let of all the angst over that... You know what else I let go of while out of commission due to pain?  My eyebrows. HOLY SHIT! I'm going to have spend some serious tweezing time to get them back under control. Not really, I'm kidding, they aren't that bad but I do need to spend some time cleaning them and my finger nails up. And if I am feeling really rowdy I might even put on some makeup. GASP!  Probably not, I think if I can just get my eyebrows plucked today that will be good enough for me. I'm not feeling THAT much better.