Thursday, August 4, 2011

Weird headspace

Tonight is peaceful but I feel upset and lonely. My girlfriend is at work and won't be home until after 1:30 am. My parents are about to go to bed, my cousin is at her house, and while this would be an opportune time to get this weeks homework done, I just don't want to. I'm a little tired and could take a nap but then I know I would be up really late and most likely sleep in. I need to be up early to run an errand for my Mom.

Recently we had a friend from Idaho come and stay for almost two weeks. It was really fun having her here. We went out a lot, out to eat, out to see things, and when we weren't out we watched movies and I did homework. We didn't want her to leave but she had to. Also we had to make a trip to the hospital due to my girlfriend having an ovarian cyst rupture.

Now that everything has returned to normal, I am finding myself having little bursts of depression and anxiety. I don't feel like doing anything and quite often feel like giving up on all the things I used to fight for that made me well me. I don't write nearly as much as I would like. Becoming a published author seems to be a never ending pipe dream and leaves me feeling so very lost. I'm in school but have the 'what's the point' feeling all over again. I'm trying to wrap my head around my Networking class and do find with the homework and got almost completely caught up on the labs. But before that all gets graded I still have an F in the class due to all the absences because of my back. I'm sure my grade will have raised next week when I go to class, but I'm still really stressed out, don't understand a lot of the material, and worse, we have a group project and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or how to do it. I kind of want to throw the towel in but then again I don't want to have to repeat the class next quarter or let my group down.

Worse than that, I have restless feelings and I need to find a job. Something with less than 20 hours so work doesn't cut into school and study time. But I'm scared about looking for jobs because with my recent back troubles, I cannot stand for more than 10 minutes without it bothering me and standing for an hour makes it hurt, more than that and I end up needing a pain pill and muscle relaxer. Most sit down jobs I am qualified for are call centers and quite frankly, I would rather shoot myself than have a job like that ever again.

So woe is me. I might just have to go lay down for a little bit.

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