Sunday, July 28, 2013

To dance with Sister Calm

This is actually my desktop background at the moment
Yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally. I awoke feeling awful about the night before because I'd had a panic attack over seeing two cop cars circling the Wal-mart parking lot when we were in the midst of leaving. Skoora and I weren't doing anything wrong and the police had no reason to stop us nor did they but for some reason, to me they turned into two vultures circling and waiting to swoop down and attack us. And this fear stems from me getting a speeding ticket.

How pathetic.

But no matter how pathetic it is or was I was so upset about having the panic attack that I ended up spinning myself off into one far worse than the one I'd had the night before. It was so bad that I had to take half a nerve pill, and call my Mom. She had to help me calm down because I wasn't able to do so on my own. I'm 29 (le gasp!) and I can't seem to calm myself down? There is something seriously wrong with that. And what is more frustrating is that my current therapist can't seem to figure out why I came back to therapy. Because I need some help and someone to talk to so I don't scare my family and friends, duh! I'm mean what the hell am I paying you for?

After I ended the call with my Mom, mostly because the medicine was kicking in and I was starting to fall asleep on her, I did, in fact, sleep. I slept hard for several hours mostly out of exhaustion. I didn't even wake when Skoora's Mom came in to check on me.

The point is that I desperately need to pull myself back and really take time to get a tight grasp on senses of calm and peace. I need to get back to my center and quit trying to do everything and make things easier on everyone else for a little while. 

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