Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Getting back on the wagon...

Wow, he's pretty!

Rocking out to a Gothic tag radio on LastFm. It;s really nice to hear bands I haven't heard for awhile. I have an app on my kindle fire that plays a German Gothic station but it doesn't tell me who the bands are, so unless I recognize one, I'm left wondering who is playing. And for some reason I can't seem to find which station it is on the internet-not that I have looked very hard. But given recent circumstances, I haven't done much of anything productive per se.

I've done some laundry, dyed my hair back to the usual black, and registered for my 4th term of school. I've ordered my textbooks, bought Skoora and I a much needed book shelf, and filled the car up with gas. I've also bought my meds and replaced some of the things we were out of. I haven't started any of the sewing stuff but I did attend a class done by my pagan group about essential oils.  

Saying that I miss my Yoda-Chan is an understatement. I bought a picture frame and ordered some prints of photos I had of him and made a sort of memorial for him. I've also removed his bed from under the bathroom sink because every time I went in there I kept wanting to open the door and check on him. It's habit. Most of the time I am okay but sometimes a bouts of hurt and sadness leak out. This is where I feel like I must be broken somewhere. I know, from far too much experience, that grief comes in waves. I've lost a lot of family members to various things: cancer, old age, sickness, stroke ect... I've known death wasn't far off for some and some were taken so suddenly it was a shock. I've even been in the room when the machines were turned off on a Grandmother and listened to her die. I could have left, but I wanted her to know I was there. Either way, you'd think I would be used to this. I know all the song and dance for funerals, cleaning out houses, dividing stuff, and dealing with bills and such. And I have lost kitties before too. I don't, maybe after the last couple of years I just don't handle things as well as I used to. But maybe I think I should have for an extension for this week instead of last week for my homework. Seems like I shut off until about a week after someone I care about dies. I shut down just enough to go through the motions of taking care of business.

Well, it's not going to do me any good now. I have a paper to write and far too much text book and article reading. Skoora thinks the amount of reading I have to do isn't necessary and when she gets home tomorrow (Yay, she'll be back from Boston!) she said she was going to help me break it down. Apparently I am doing more than I have to. I didn't think so. I was doing what I was assigned. Oh well, if there is a way to do less work and still get a fantastic grade, great. Honestly, though, I don't really care about this WW2 class anymore. I was really excited for it in the beginning. But we aren't learning about German propaganda, the Thule Society, or even much about the Third Reich. There's some really cool stuff, but mostly its all who attacked who when, battle lines, and what kind of technology/machinery/weapons being used. That's cool and all, but not what I was looking for. It also doesn't help that my cat died or that I have been completely bogged down and stressed out just about getting the weekly assignments done aside from the big thesis paper. For someone who reads slow and has some dyslexia issues... yeah. Well, I will suck it up and get on with my life. I just don't care if I get above a B... hell, at this point, I just want to pass the class and call it good. Which really isn't like me at all. I'm kind of one of those people who shoots for the A grade all the time. 

Skoora and I have been talking little bits here and there. I have decided that I want another kitty. It won't replace Yoda, no kitty ever could. Galen is kind of a jerk and he won't cuddle with me. Not saying he isn't good enough or that I don't love him because I really do, he's just a cat with a different temperament- that and I think he might be autistic, if cats can be autistic. I am being serious. Right now he's curled up on my bed sleeping. Anyway, the local humane society is running a summer adoption special and it's this month only. So we kind of have to get on it when Skoora gets back. I seem to connect better with male cats, not sure why that is, so I've kind of been looking at the boys on the site. Still I would never turn down a girl kitty if she called to me.  I even made a list of names I like. I mean, since I can't have human children, it's kind of fun to look at names for animal children. Skoora only likes a couple of the names and not the ones I am really feeling either.  She likes Konstantin and Narcisa and suggested Alistair be added to the list. Personally, I really like Cosmina, Drahomira and Sorina for girl names. For boy names, I like Radek, Radomir, Dragos, Fane, and Kostya. But that's just me. 

Anyway, since Skoora told me to relax and take the night off, I am going to do just that. I've been kind of panicking, restless, and weepy all day. I'll probably break out the coloring books and colored pencils or something, listen to music, maybe watch a movie and take a shower. I kind of want to do my nails. I haven't really done much of anything too girly for myself in awhile. Then again, I kind of want to write too. I've kind of been feeling the urge and I am not quite sure what's keeping me from actually doing it. I wonder if I am afraid of something? Honestly through some self reflection, emotionally or mentally or both, I've realized that I have a few blocks that I need to punch through. I know they are there, I'm just not sure what all of them are. *sigh* 


  1. I'm glad to hear your baby is coming back home, and I also completely agree with you having another kitty. I've lost two and still have two, and one can never replace another. But you know what it's like to give love to something/someone and come home to something/someone, and it's just going to make you miserable without it.

    Many people say they "connect" better with (castrated) male cats. In my experience that's because they are generally more cuddly and needy. Female cats still stay feral even after castration. But I have always connected more with female cats. They know what they want, they have integrity. And I had the most wonderful baby girl a few years ago, she followed me around like a dog. I lost her already after a year (to the road) but I will never forget her.

  2. I am glad that she is home as well. I am sorry that you lost your kitty to the road. I hate it when animals are taken that way.