Trying a new schedule, really bad day, and looking for doctors

I am trying out a new schedule to help myself stay focused, on task, and get my ass in gear as far as writing is concerned. Also, to help me do things that I want to do without feeling guilty for doing them when I should be doing something else. With that said, also to set a limit on how long I do certain things so I can still have time to do others. It's been a slow start. 

Monday, Amanda had a job interview and we had coffee after with a friend, then we went to another friend's house for dinner. Dinner and Chris's on Mondays has sort of become a tradition now. Yesterday, we woke up really late and while Amanda was working on something, I started the process f trying to find a primary care physician. I may have found one but aside from having to go into the fill out medical release paperwork, I need to ask some questions. For instance, why do they only want the last three visits with my previous doctor instead of my whole file? Shouldn't they know that I have a gazillion allergies, have had concussions, a surgery when I was little, and so on? You'd think right? But apart from my questions it seems that I won't even know if I will be approved for this doctor's office until they get my last three visits and take a look. Which kind of sucks when you are out of ALL of your medication.

So while I was contemplating that and the fact that I don't have two essential textbooks for a class (I don't even want to go into the why), my brain broke. I've been sick lately. Amanda and I both have been. It was a stomach bug of some kind and it wasn't fun. I also believe it was stress related. I've said it many times, we have been going and going and going for several months with very little decompression time in between. We've gone to people's houses, had people over, gone to events, had car issues, run errands, made new friends, and for some one who is an introvert, its all very draining. Especially, when I'm not running on all cylinders to begin with. I've also been exposed to people and situations I don't ever want to be exposed to again. All of that, all of the stress from it exploded in my head yesterday and I had a panic attack so bad that I wanted to hit myself. I haven't had panic attacks like that in a long time and quite frankly it scares the shit out of me. That's not progress.

Things have to change.

The first step for that is me putting my foot down and saying "No". The second step is not letting shit fester. There are a lot of things that I put up with, that I am too polite or too considerate of other people's feelings- putting theirs over my own- that in the end only does me a disservice. I am going to be putting up boundaries. A lot of people are going to be pissed at me, they are going pitch fits, and be upset. I have to stay strong and be firm. Especially when a couple of them pout, whine, do a pity party, and guilt trip me. I cannot and will not put up with that shit any more. It's not fair and it's not right. More so, what kind of friend does that make that person when they feel like they have to or they like manipulating other people into doing what they want? That means that they don't really value their friends, it means that they don't really trust their friends, and in the end, that comes back to them not being a good friend themselves.  

I love my friends, even the ones who frustrate the shit out of me, even the ones who are clueless sometimes and think that I don't want to spend time with them when really that's not the case, the case is that I need time and space to recuperate so I can spend time with them again, later. They wouldn't be my friends if I didn't.    

The hair thing happened, so did the tummy plague, and I made a thing.

Here it is, my hair. My phone camera is terrible and seriously dulled the colors.

This shot is a little better. I will be taking one outside, in natural light as soon as I feel up to it. 

At the moment I have a tummy plague. I don't know if it is a stomach flu or bug or just a terrible manifestation of all the running, go go go, and stress and this is my body's way of saying "You dumb bitch, you can't do all of this shit anymore, slow the hell down" or what, but it sucks! Amanda is sick too.

I made a thing for a friend's birthday today. I painted a feather and I am sure it could have looked much better had I actually been able to find my paint brushes, but for what it is, all the finger dabbing, Q-tip dabbing, and cuticle pusher (yes you read that right) dabbing, I got it done. I even finished it off with sharpie to add some more details and a clear glitter to help give the galaxy effect. I also made her a bracelet. Amanda made her cookies. However, if we aren't feeling better she might not get it until after her birthday. Which makes me sad. 

Its a fat owl. 

Oh and Narcisa had to have one of the turkey feathers I bought for this project. 

Vid calls with Mom, Jeep problems, New friends, emotional flux and coming soon...

I made a meme with a meme generator. One of the first few nights we were in our apartment, Narcisa perched atop Amanda's hip, waiting for me to settle down so she could lick my neck (yes, she still tries to nurse). Anyway, the red light from the Halloween chain lights Amanda bought this year made a creepy picture, so I grabbed my phone and snapped a quickie before Narcisa could move. I think it turned out okay. Amanda likes it.

So, we have had a more eventful weekend than we wanted, but its actually a really good thing. My Jeep decided to pitch a fit which meant that we left it at the park and ride where Amanda catches the bus for work Friday night. Saturday we had a few errands to run and after talking with both our Dad's and Napa Auto, it was decided that the problem was either the fuel filter or fuel pump. so starting with the cheapest first, we bought a new filter and headed back to the Jeep. It was NOT as simple to remove the old one and install the new one. In fact we had to jack up the jeep and Amanda had to lay under the car to get to it. BUT, a very nice man, who turned out to be a mechanic, pulled in and asked us if we needed help. I had already called my friend Birdy and she was on her way, but hey, any help was welcome. Birdy arrived shortly there after.

As it turns out, it wasn't the fuel filter, it is the fuel pump. But we couldn't leave the Jeep at the park and ride because it could get broken into, stolen (although no one would really be able to move it), or towed by the city. We decided to try hooking my jeep up to Birdy's SUV and towing it home. Well, we got the mechanic man some coffee to repay him for helping us. While Birdy and I were gone, Amanda and he talked. We now have a mechanic who will help us with our cars if we get the parts- we will pay him of course- and he's a fellow Pagan. But this story gets better.

After he left, Birdy's step Dad showed up with a towing rope and we were getting that process started when the mechanic man returned with his wife. Apparently he liked us so much that he thought his wife should meet us. To make this long story shorter, we got to Jeep home, made friends with the Mechanic man and his wife, who are very sweet, and Sunday they came to our IEPG Imbolc. They really liked it!  It was so cool. I really, truly think that in a way the Universe or the Gods or both are working some magic of their own because it feels like they were there when we needed them and we are here when they need us. 

On to Video calls with my Mom. She called me last night shortly after I got home and wanted to do a google hangout chat with me. I had Birdy and Dram over but thought, why the hell not, she doesn't call and ask for video calls and it's nice to see her face when she's so far away. During the call, we talked about food recipes, she met Birdy and Dram, lectured Amanda about the importance of watching Sense 8 (which I agree with her on, sorry Amanda), and I showed my Mom my apartment. It was really nice. I would like to talk to my Dad via video chat soon too. I was supposed to have a video chat with my cousin but blew it by forgetting what day it was. I will say say in my defense that I had a horrible pain day that day and ended up sleeping most of it. So I am going to have to catch her again later. 

Okay, onto the emotional flux. I have been so emotional lately. I was incredibly upset and hypersensitive the other day over little tiny things. Amanda and I even had a mini spat. Today, I was following the Pagan Ministry Council chat on my phone and someone said something and I lost my shit. I was table flipping pissed! It was so fucking ridiculous and two seconds later, after being so angry, I started to cry. I felt like said person had finally broken my brain. Granted there has been some other things that have pushed me beyond my high levels of patience with this person, things that are never and will never be resolved much to my annoyance, but I am trying to let that go because there is nothing I can do about it. Seriously, there is a long laundry list of issues that I am trying to rush off. But it is easier said than done when that person repeatedly does or says- you know what, I don't care. I am done bitching about it today. 

I was talking to my friend Chris about how angry I have been and upset. she theorizes that while I am always on my period from the PCOS and my hormones are out of whack, I am still cycling through them and I might just be able to chalk it up to PMS. I don't know why I didn't think of that. I swear Chris has the patience of a saint. I hate venting and have told her so but she says that I have to get it out and she doesn't mind. She also said if I am being an ass, she will tell me. I cherish that honesty. Especially since I don't want to be an ass. 

Now, what's coming soon? Well, tomorrow a couple of my friends and I are getting together at my house to have a hair dying party! This is what I am planning, I don't know if it will turn out this way or not, but I am hoping. 

  

Becoming social creatures, Merlin, the house and funky tap water.

I've always wanted to watch Merlin but never seemed to get around to it. My friend Chris decided that I needed to see it and I thought, why not. I am hooked. Its not just that the show fun, its that it's inspiring me to work on a story of mine that's been in the works for a couple of years. So, while I have had several days of relentless pain and really lacked the ability to focus on school work, I've more or less been binge watching it. 

Speaking of pain. I've been having a lot of issues lately. I count the fact that I don't have my fibromyalgia medicine as part of the problem. I also attribute it to the fact that I am just plain worn out. Amanda and I have both been going like little energizer bunnies for the last couple of months and its finally truly caught up with us. We are tired and we are getting sick. Amanda has actually had some trouble with her voice- she has vocal nodes that get aggravated from time to time. I've been coughing and have had a few fevers. So while I do have a break week from school, I am going to keep it as low key as possible and rest. There are some books I want to get read before I start the next term and most importantly, I desperately need to set up my writing schedule. Which means that I am going to have several hours every day in which no one will be able to get a hold of me. I'll be shutting the world out, so to speak. 

All of that said, we are becoming social creatures. It's kind of exhausting but really fun too. As introverted as I am, as much as I need time to recharge, I am truly enjoying spending time with my Spokane friends. I do miss my morning coffee with Felicia and hanging out with her and kids every day though, really miss it. But there is exciting news on that front, they stopped by for a short visit this morning. So I got to have some short lived girl time with Felicia and see the boys and Felicia is pregnant again!!! I am so excited for her. She's a little thrown off kilter, because she and her husband were trying to be super careful and there is so much going on in their lives right now. But I know once she has a minute to really process everything, she's going to be ecstatic. 

Back to spending time with Spokane friends. We've been doing a lot with the IEPG and I've made some new friends. There are a couple who have managed to spark Amanda's interest in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). I used to be in it, before I went to college and I've always wanted to go back. So we might give it a go and see how it works out for us. Needless to say we will be that much more busy and will have to juggle spending time with friends even more so. One thing Amanda and I decided was that we are going to guard our personal time as well as our time together. So unless its an emergency, if we have time for us set aside, we won't be altering that. 

My refrigerator sounds like a monster sometimes. Its very strange and I am thinking about asking maintenance about it. My washer is a small front loader and if I accidentally overload it, it rattles and shakes. My dishwasher is a bit loud too and my bathroom fan sounds like it is ready to fly off when you turn it off. The house also isn't completely put together. We are still unpacking things slowly. We are going to two pantry's. One for food for the kitchen, and the other will hold my craft supplies and probably be in the bedroom. There are several things I need to come up with or do to help with storage and to be more organized. But we will get there in time. For now, I am taking it easy and slow today. I am to go over and help my friend Chris out and we're going to work on our workshop together and Amanda will catch up to us for dinner. But other than that, I'm a couch potato.

Lastly, my tap water gives me heartburn. Chris has the same problem. She fixed it by getting a filter for her faucet. I think Amanda and I will be doing the same.        

This is a really sad week

People die every day. I get that and I've certainly lost a lot of people in my family, friends of family, and even friends from high school. I've lost people who meant a lot to me and made a serious impact on my life if not a few others. So, I get it and understand it's a natural course of life. It still sucks. 

This week the world lost one of its talented musicians, David Bowie. I don't own every record and I wasn't a huge mega fan, but I had my favorites and kind of grew up listening to him. Amanda on the other hand has almost every single album of his, including covers other people have done. He influenced her, was a part of her life through music. He brought her happiness through song and even through the films he was in. 

As much as I liked Bowie, Alan Rickman had a slightly larger impact on me. Growing up he was my favorite Villain in Die Hard. My parents watched that one a lot, right along with Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I loved him in Galaxy Quest and Harry Potter and many more roles. He made me fall in love with his character in Sense and Sensibility and I envied Maryanne.  His voice was different and had a tone that I simply loved. He was a wonderful actor and I loved seeing him in films.

Both of these iconic men died from cancer. I fucking hate cancer. I've seen what it does to people first hand, my Great Aunt fought, suffered, and died from breast cancer. What I want to know is, if we have all this technology, all this medicine, why can't we find a cure for cancer? Why are we spending more time watching the Trump/Bernie/Hillary show, blowing people up, tearing others down, fighting over women's reproductive organs, who can marry who, and whether or not to let refugees into the country when we could devote that energy to something worth while?  

Stress, depression, and anger sitting in the dark

I found this on my facebook feed. I think I need to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall. I have been too stressed lately. I have also been depressed- but then again I always am and accept that, but worse, I have been angry.  I get angry that I am angry because the things I am angry about are so pointless or completely helpless- as in it doesn't matter what I do about it, it will end badly so why even try to fix it. Then that supposed to be wonderful phrase of "setting your boundaries" echos in my head and grrrrr, I just don't even want to get into it. Then I get depressed because I am so sad that I allowed myself to get angry or upset in the first place or even that I got stressed out and boy am I stressed out. I know that we humans live with at least a marginal amount of stress, that's life, but I swear if it isn't one thing its another. And it all cycles.

Amanda's driver's side car door is broken again. The tires still need to be replaced. The heat in my jeep is still broken, but hey, we managed to get new windshield wipers! Woo Hoo! 

Both cars have gas and are running, so that is something to celebrate. 

I am frustrated with several of my friends and no, I don't want to talk or even vent about it.

I've decided after years of saying that I was going to do it, that I am going to make a sign to hang outside my front door that pretty much says "don't talk about politics, religion, social issues or trigger warnings in this house unless invited to do so. This is the neutral zone and if you are too delicate or fragile for that, get lost". Or something to that effect. I am tired of it. I am tired of people thinking they need to police other people or that people shouldn't have this or that. This is my house and I refuse to be lectured, told what's right and wrong, or "reeducated" within it. I know it's all passive aggressive, but damn it, I fucking hate confrontation. A sign, you don't need to say a thing. Of course that is part of my problem, I am too polite and too nice to call people out on their bullshit or tell them when they are being offensive. 

The good news is that I have enrolled in health care. I am waiting on my cards to arrive in the mail so I can start looking for doctors and setting up appointments. I'm going to have to find a therapist and break them in. 

I need some time to myself. I do get some but I would like time where I don't have to worry about homework. Speaking of, I'm going to fail formal logic. I haven't failed a class in a long time and I just don't care. I can't find a tutor at the school- at least one isn't listed for that class. I e-mailed my adviser and that's really my last shot. Otherwise, fuck it. It really isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel good. 

Another thing that doesn't feel good is the fact that I an feel myself inching closer to a breakdown. I don't want that. 

Back to needing some time to myself. I need a couple of days to just read, meditate, and relax without someone asking me for something or wanting to come over to my house. I was told that there is a lot of good energy in my house and I'd like to keep it that way. So, I may devote this weekend- after I get done with IEPG stuff, to homework, working ahead, to buy myself a couple of days of rest. It's so weird but I feel drained by people who aren't even here.

Oh well. I am going to make a yummy dinner and fresh pot of coffee for Amanda. We are going to a World Religion Celebration or some such with PFLAG tonight. Apparently they asked someone from our IEPG group to speak and since Amanda and I are the resident lesbian couple in the IEPG, that someone thought we should attend and answer any questions. I also need to make myself look presentable. I might feel better with pretty hair and make up.

A little bout of insomnia, Xmas/Yule update, Homework, and my apartment smells weird.

I have been having trouble sleeping the last couple of days. Tonight, well it's now morning, I haven't slept a wink. I tried. I tried a couple of tricks that usually work for me to no avail. So I decided that laying in bed was useless and got up to get something accomplished. Said accomplishments were looking up some recipes, making a meal plan for the next two weeks, and compiling a grocery list. We're going to have lots of veggies and protein. I need to bring some more fruit into the mix. At the moment we have Kiwi and a couple of oranges that need to be eaten. 

Yule went very well. I went to a Yule party at a friend's house and gave myself a beer bath twice. Our friends are Heathen and brew their own Mead and Beer. I got to try three different types of their beer and at least one type of their Mead. The reason I gave myself a beer bath was because we all drank out of a very large drinking horn while standing around a fire chatting and toasting the Gods and Wights. It was wonderful and we've been invited back for next year. 

Christmas went well too. I made a big dinner, like my Grandma makes. Amanda's parent's came and it was a nice, quiet day. My first turkey fell off the bone. We shredded and froze what was left and I have been using a little bit here and there for sandwiches and turkey enchilada casserole. 

I got a week off from school, which I really needed. Amanda and I have been going non-stop for so long that I can't remember a time when we weren't very busy. Between school, IEPG obligations, being exhausted, and moving/unpacking, we've hardly had time to ourselves. I sat down to do my homework this weekend, basically telling everyone who comes to visit us that we were unavailable for a few days. My cultural anthropology class is going very well but formal logic has my head spinning with the various abbreviations and symbols. I feel a bit lost with it and need to see if there is a tutor available. Part of me just wants to say fuck it, the stress and time wasted on it isn't worth it, plan to fail the class, and take something else to make up the credits later. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet. 

I am happy to be in my own home, the happiest I have been in a long time. However, Amanda and I are a bit frustrated. We have so many books, a library so to speak and while we are going through some books and getting rid of some, we are keeping a lot. We have four five shelf bookcases in the spare room and think we need four more. We also have a 9 cube bookcase in the living room with all of our pagan related books. Amanda has a lot of things from her childhood that she is going through, and will be going through and getting rid of some things as well. We just don't need everything we have and have out grown a lot.

I would post pictures of the apartment but it is a mess. Felicia, our old neighbor, brought the rest of our stuff from Amanda;s parents house and we have yet to find places for all of it. With Amanda working full time and me in school, it's going to be a little longer before we get it all put away and gone through. It is a bit depressing. It feels like home and yet it doesn't because it is not settled... if that makes sense. We still have some furniture to buy too.

Good news! We found a set of kitchen chairs. Four of them for 30 dollars and even a chair for 10 dollars that Amanda is using as her writing chair. 

Bad news, I am overly exhausted and just want a day to sleep, or in the very least, lay on the sofa and read or watch movies or something.

Happy news, I found some interesting tea at a local grocery chain. It's tea with saffron in it. There is a variety, which is nice and while I haven't tried them yet, I am excited for when I do. I did pick up a goji berry tea as well. 

My apartment smells weird. I have a scented wax burner that I use pretty much every moment that I am awake, but it doesn't seem to do what I want. That and the bathroom oil diffuser air freshener kind of overpowers everything. I need something milder in that room. 

Well that's all for now. I need to get Amanda up and moving for work. 

Happy New Year to everyone!!!