Saturday, January 22, 2011
A week of sucessful fail... At least I'm getting that right, right?
As I sit here inhaling the stench of trash that needs to be taken out and a litter box that needs to be done (thank you Galen for taking that nice, ripe, poo a few minutes ago and thank you roomie for not doing your bit of the chores), I look back on my week of epic fail. Or was it a week of epic failure?
I didn't really have plans this week. I started it a little sickly, very depressed, and lacking any semblance of drive what so ever to do anything at all. I did take my mother to her pain management appointment. So on one hand I suppose I was being useful and helpful. That should make me feel good or at least a little better, right? Not so much.
As the week progressed I picked up my house and even helped out with my parent's laundry. That's being useful and hey, I even ran an errand for them. However, no writing was accomplished, no crafty pick me up was done, no job hunting (not that I really could at the moment anyway), and by yesterday I pretty much didn't want to talk to or see anyone at all. In fact I was so depressed that I all I wanted to do was stare at the wall and that upset me even more. I'm 26 years old and I get so damned depressed that I have to force myself to get out of bed every day. That's just down right scary. And I am on medication for it too but apparently it's not doing it's job.
The worst part about all of this is, people want me to be social and hang out, go do things, laugh and have a good time. I don't know why, I don't want to be around me, why the hell would anyone else? I mean I don't want to get out of bed much less take a shower, put on make up, do my hair, and dig through my closet to find something presentable to wear. Shit, most of the time I do things because it's what other people want and if I do them they shut up and leave me alone. I guess that's where it brings me to no one gives a shit about what I want or want to do and no one wants to leave me alone about being left alone. It's frustrating. Being around a bunch of people is actually somewhat draining and terrifying. People are even getting mad at me for not talking.
So success for me as far as a failing at leading a healthy, happy, productive life. I have to go to bed now because I have to get up and get pretty tomorrow and go out. Roomie and I are taking my cousin to a club. For the most part I like that and I think I'll buy pack of cigarettes because smoking is fucking fun and I like taking smoke breaks with people. Humph!