Lost my drive, went for a drive...

While I am sure there are plenty of back country roads that look like this here in Kansas, this was not one that I drove on tonight. Rather, I live in a city and so I was riding the main streets and even the highway just to get out of the house. And sometimes it's just nice to go for a short drive despite the crippling gas prices. It's up to $3.59 where I live and I suppose I shouldn't complain since it is probably higher elsewhere.

I used to go on drives a lot. In fact one of the neat things about going to college in a different town, when I was going to one in a different town, was the drive home at night, after class let out. It took me half an hour to get home and I would sing along to music or think about stories, or just think. It was a nice bit of uninterrupted 'me' time.

I've been losing my drive to do things more and more lately. I don't really know the cause of it. Could be depression. Still, even when I was horribly depressed a couple of years ago I still managed to do things everyday, things I don't do anymore. I used to write every day, sing, read, and even do little craft like things. Now I only seem to have the energy to sit and watch movies or sleep. That might have something to do with my back bothering me. It might also have something to do with feeling endlessly stuck, or perhaps all of those things combined. Either way, I don't like this current 'me'. I want to get out and get on with things.

Next week I start another quarter of classes so there will be less free time to sit and mope around. I've also been looking for possible places for my girlfriend and I to move to. We've been to a couple of places to look at them and ask all the necessary questions and there are a few nice possibilities. I've also been looking for work again and in turn, doing the exercises for my back so it doesn't hurt so much. My back is still giving me a lot of grief. I can't go to the store and shop for half an hour without hurting bad enough to take a pain pill when I get home. I've got a long way to go with my back but I am at least happy that I can walk and move around on my own.

These last couple of days my back has been a bit worse than usual so I've been sitting on ice packs and resting, catching up on Torchwood. I would try to write but like I said, I don't have much drive to do anything much any more. I am now ready for season 3 of Torchwood. I really love this show and recommend it to anyone who wants to see a good scifi/drama who doesn't mind male on male action. There's not tons of male on male, but what there is, is scrumptious!

And I have also been watching a show my cousin wanted me to watch called Weeds. That's like watching a never ending train wreck. I think after seeing that show, even if I wasn't the daughter of a corrections officer, I still wouldn't sell drugs, use them, or have anything to do with them. It's just bad news all around. Still, the show is entertaining in some respects. I don't have a favorite character, I pretty much think everyone in the show is a shit.

I also saw The Forbidden Planet last night. Well, I caught the last half hour of it. Apparently, according to the host of TMC, The Forbidden Planet had little meddling from the studio or whoever meddles in the affairs of movies because they didn't think scifi movies were that big of a deal. But when The Forbidden Planet hit the theaters and did so well, it kind of paved the way for other scifi movies. I thought it was a neat little fact.

In my doldrums again...

This week has been one hell of a week and it's not even close to being finished. Whew! We've definitely been running around like headless chickens and all over the city, literately. Weekend last my Dad blew up at my girlfriend for sticking up for me. That wasn't very nice of him especially over the subject matter which I won't get into. And no, it's not over our relationship if that's what you're thinking.

So, my girlfriend and I have spent every morning and into some afternoons this week apartment hunting. We are trying to stay out of the southwest part of town and I don't particularly want to live in the southeast part either. However, if I have to, I have to and at least I will be closer to school, not sure how safe we will be. We did find a row house and the land lady of said row house seems to really want us to move in. She was making all kinds of offers and was extremely nice. There are some really positive advantages to the place and some very negative ones. One being that it's quite a bit small and I'm not sure we can fit everything we own inside. Another being what part of town its in and the neighborhood. Still we have a friend who lives there and no one has bothered her... yet.

Another option is to live in the town houses my parents live in but the buy in price is $8500.00. Of course you can pay half of that when you move in and some other things. However, there is yet another option that is very similar. There are another set of town houses not too far from where my parents live owned by the same company. They are smaller, have no basement, but the buy in price is cheaper. The down side, rent will be higher and we could only have one animal. I have two cats and they have been with me since I was in my mid teens. I can't just give them up and I can't choose which one to take. So I am not sure the second town houses are really an option. We are still looking and watching the local ads to see if anything else pops up that looks appealing and within our budget.

Now about the picture above. Yes, that is Torchwood! My mom got me hooked on the new season, Miracle Day. This week, while Dad was out of town for work, she snagged me we started watching season one on Netflix. I really do love it! Capt. Jack Harkness is wonderful! If I could, I'd hug him.

Aside from all that, I've gotten all depressed again. I'm worried about my grade in that stupid networking class I just finished. I get that while IT students and professionals need it and enjoy it, it was the most stressful class I have had. Even math doesn't compare and I loathe math. The fight with my Dad has been bothering me because no matter what I say or do, nothing has changed and will ever change. I'm still looking for a part-time job and just down right depressing. And I keep analyzing and going over things in my head, things I can't do anything about, which is annoying and depressing as well. On the upside, I've lost weight, 18 pounds.

I can't believe I did this...

I made a twitter account last night so I could follow Felicia Day. Never mind that I could do that from facebook and her blog. Over 24hrs later I'm following several cast members of The Guild and Guildwars. Since I felt like I had somehow committed an act of self betrayal by starting the account, I made one for my cat, Yoda. His life is slightly more exciting... Okay, he is cute, cuddly, and all things adorable. Still learning the navigation of the site...

In the mean time, while I have done my part of the group project (making a fictional website for a fictional company with almost no information to go on), I am procrastinating on the rest of my homework and going to go to my cousin's to watch Priest soon. But I don't feel too bad about it, I still have four days to the rest of my labs and the last two chapters of homework. And, of course, one more class in which we will present our projects and take the final, and I am done with it!

Posting on 3 hours of sleep and absent my glasses...

Yes, as the title states, I am posting on merely 3 hours of sleep and I've left my glasses downstairs thinking that I was only getting up to see where my girlfriend and cats went. I ended up playing on my computer and grabbing a couple of crackers to munch on. If there are any terrible errors, just remember that I can't see the text clearly and no, I am not going to go fetch my glasses so I can.

Anyway, thankfully, the migraine induced by my homework went away thanks to the help of some medication and sleep. I have two more sessions of this class and hopefully I will be finished with it.

Learned something new last night/ 3:30 am, when I finally finished with my homework. I have not been keeping up with some political blogs that I try to keep up with and come to find out, Vice President Biden has decided that anyone in the Tea Party is a "terrorist" and when confronted with it by a Tea Party member, President Obama pretty much agreed without confirming or denying. It's nice to know that people who want to return to the ways of smaller government and the ideals and principals that this country was founded on are now known as "terrorists". And of course the gov, officials won't just stop at naming Tea Party members and activists, they'll move on to plain old Libertarians and anyone else who doesn't think like them. Nice to know my country is run by a bunch of spoiled children who piss on you when they don't get their way and piss on you again just for the hell of it. Really, it's enough to make anyone question their sanity.

Speaking of sanity, I think I am very quickly losing mine. Yesterday I got into a fight with my girlfriend. She decided that picking a fight with me about my very mild case of road rage was a good idea and then progressed onto other issues. When I got home my mom demanded to know what was wrong with me and I finally told her after several minutes of her nagging me. That of course turned into a fight when she accused me of being inconvenienced the night before last by having to stay the night at Grandma's. Let me make this clear, I am never inconvenienced or put out by having to stay the night at Grandma's. I love staying the night over there. The cause for this impromptu stay was that Grandma was sick and needed some help. I was glad to stay but my mom always likes to think the worst of me. *sigh* Mom and I will probably have issues until the day one of us dies.

To end on a much lighter and safer note, I was in my parent's bedroom last night gathering up some laundry and saw a tidbit of a SciFi show called Eureka. Two of the cast members from The Guild were guest starting on the episode, Felicia Day and Will Wheaton. I didn't stay to watch the episode, I had homework to do and laundry, but it was really nice to see them on TV.

Into the exciting life of... You're kidding me right?

So! I've completely and utterly been procrastinating on my homework. You'd think, one class, no big deal, just sit down and tackle that beast... of three chapters and a group project. Right? No. The truth is, I tried to do my homework yesterday evening and upon not being able to answer the first question of my homework assignment, I slammed the textbook shut and neatly and very orderly put everything away and picked up my computer to watch episodes of The Guild on Netflix.

*sigh*

I know, I know, I'm horrible. There's only a few weeks left to go in this stupid class. I should just do it and get it over with. But I have this annoying mental block that's driving me crazy. Half of me wants it done and over with, all homework and labs turned in, group project (my part of it) finished, and just sit back and study for the final. The other half of me wants to just throw in the towel and deal with it later. Can't do that. It's just so weird! All my homework is a B+, I just got caught up and turned in most of my labs so that should bring that portion of my grade up, and my first big test in the class got a C+. I should have a pretty good grade but I don't and it's really beginning to drive me crazy! I really just want to get this over with so I can get on to more exciting things. Things that actually pertain to my degree.

Back to The Guild. I've really enjoyed the show. I definitely want to see more. Sorry, no spoilers for those who haven't seen it. I'm not a total kill joy. Needless to say, it's invoked the inner nerd in me and now I want to play Guild Wars tonight... I'm waiting until my Dad is finished watching The A Team with my mom so we can get some of our outstanding quests taken care of. I haven't played in over a month. This of course just facilitates my procrastination but I really don't care. I want to kill monsters and have my lacking sense of accomplishment rectified in game since I seem to fail at it in life.

Oh, but I did start the drawing on the mock up design for the kitchen. I have to do everything on a sketch pad since I don't have a drawing tablet and nifty software like all my friends. Working on that. Anyway, that's kind of satisfying the inner interior designer in me and the artsy part of me that longs to come out. Now if only I could find my paint... And for that matter my brushes.

That reminds me, I need to pose my idea for thank you cards to our Service Men and Women to my DAR Regent and have some mock ups ready for when DAR gets started again. It's an idea that spawned from my own social phobia and not being able to walk up to a Service Man in the air port a couple of weeks ago.

Well, off to try and post for my other blog. See ya later.

A new endeavor and struggling

The dust is starting to settle… somewhat. There is finally a hint of routine in daily life as I know it. All our visitors have come and gone, this quarter is almost over, and I’m am more than ready for Fall to come so I can close the door on this rather stressful summer.

I’ve just about had it with my lower back problems and in turn, I’m tired of listening to both my Grandparents hound me about my weight every time I see them. While I love them both very much and more than appreciate their concern, I would like a different topic of conversation when I visit them. So, I’ve decided that I’m ready to really do something about it.

I started walking this week, outside, in the sunlight, as much as I dislike being out in the heat. Now I haven’t done it every day this week, yesterday I wasn’t feeling very well, but it’s a start. I’ve also cut down on meal portions and instead of eating full meals; I’m eating small snacks throughout the day. I’m not depriving myself from things I like to eat that way I have less of a chance of giving up, just eating things I like that are better for me. I get my chocolate fix in the morning with a Clif bar for breakfast, have yogurt twice a day, eat just a sandwich or something small in the middle of the day, make something for dinner but only eat a little of it, and for a snack a couple of hours before bed, I eat a little cheese and crackers. And, most importantly, I’ve dropped drinking real soda unless Quetzal and I go out, which isn’t that often, for water.

I haven’t set a goal of how much weight to lose because I always get discouraged. So, I am merely doing this and taking it as it goes. It’s not easy, I’ve been cranky and depressed, but I’m pushing along and hopefully, with time and effort, I’ll be a thinner.

That aside, living with my parents is beginning to become stressful again, which I suppose is kind of a blessing since it’s encouraging me to be out of the house more. Since Quetzal and I don’t have a lot of money, it means that we go more places, do a lot of window shopping, and more importantly, walking.

Trying to stay positive while chaos spits on my picnic hasn’t been the easiest of tasks and sometimes I wonder where my head is. That and I am a running Queen of looking at life at a glass half empty. I thought living back at home would make things a little easier but my Mom and I are already butting heads. She still wants me to be a little girl and she definitely wants a maid but most of all she wants control. She hasn’t been particularly nice either. I’ve set up some boundaries while respecting hers and while I’ve been doing my best to let things said roll off my shoulders… We’ve had a few arguments. I try to remember what one of my instructors told me “If someone is being mean or hurtful, they are probably in a lot of pain themselves”, and I know my Mom is in a lot of pain, I’ve helped take care of her when she’s knocked off her feet with it. It isn’t something new; she’s been dealing with chronic pain for years now. But sometimes I wish she would funnel her frustration into something she enjoys instead of attacking me or trying to pick fights with me.

Finally, to end on a good note, I am taking a little more time for myself. I haven’t really worked on any stories just yet, but I’ve got a couple of projects lined up that will engage some of the areas of personal interest I’ve left on the back burner. One being, to do general design mock ups for the new place (when we get it). Another is to work on some scrap booking and card making projects. There are several books I want to read, non-text book in nature.

Weird headspace

Tonight is peaceful but I feel upset and lonely. My girlfriend is at work and won't be home until after 1:30 am. My parents are about to go to bed, my cousin is at her house, and while this would be an opportune time to get this weeks homework done, I just don't want to. I'm a little tired and could take a nap but then I know I would be up really late and most likely sleep in. I need to be up early to run an errand for my Mom.

Recently we had a friend from Idaho come and stay for almost two weeks. It was really fun having her here. We went out a lot, out to eat, out to see things, and when we weren't out we watched movies and I did homework. We didn't want her to leave but she had to. Also we had to make a trip to the hospital due to my girlfriend having an ovarian cyst rupture.

Now that everything has returned to normal, I am finding myself having little bursts of depression and anxiety. I don't feel like doing anything and quite often feel like giving up on all the things I used to fight for that made me well me. I don't write nearly as much as I would like. Becoming a published author seems to be a never ending pipe dream and leaves me feeling so very lost. I'm in school but have the 'what's the point' feeling all over again. I'm trying to wrap my head around my Networking class and do find with the homework and got almost completely caught up on the labs. But before that all gets graded I still have an F in the class due to all the absences because of my back. I'm sure my grade will have raised next week when I go to class, but I'm still really stressed out, don't understand a lot of the material, and worse, we have a group project and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or how to do it. I kind of want to throw the towel in but then again I don't want to have to repeat the class next quarter or let my group down.

Worse than that, I have restless feelings and I need to find a job. Something with less than 20 hours so work doesn't cut into school and study time. But I'm scared about looking for jobs because with my recent back troubles, I cannot stand for more than 10 minutes without it bothering me and standing for an hour makes it hurt, more than that and I end up needing a pain pill and muscle relaxer. Most sit down jobs I am qualified for are call centers and quite frankly, I would rather shoot myself than have a job like that ever again.

So woe is me. I might just have to go lay down for a little bit.