I am not at your beck and call and last week

Something I would love to say to my aunt

Last week was a week of crying, panic, and generally falling apart. I mentioned in my last post what I tried to do for my parents. Well, I couldn't handle the thought that I had made things worse and wanted to explain myself and tell my parents that it was my fault. My Mom, of course was kind of stunned speechless for a few minutes and then spent the next twenty convincing me that nothing was my fault. A couple of hours later my Dad called and told me that he'd spoken to Grandma and that they were going to be okay and said that I really shouldn't have asked Grandma to try and cash in my inheritance for them and thanked me anyway. Then he told me that I actually don't have one while he's still alive. Since I would much rather have my Grandparents and my Parents than money, I am perfectly okay with that and told my Dad as much. So at least that is cleared up and things are okay on that end. 

Home life for me just kind of fell apart for me on a mental and emotional level. Last year I told Amanda I couldn't live with her parent another year. I've had it rough since we moved up here dealing with my own crap, losing a lot on different levels, and so on. Well, it's been a year and I've told her that I really cannot make it until she graduates in July.  Something has to happen. Either I leave and go back to Kansas, which I don't want to do or we get a place of our own. Which has been impossible because she is working on her masters degree and trying to work and look for another job on top it while playing servant to her mother and helping me out when I feel like shit. So last week I spent most of the week having small meltdowns, panic attacks, and crying off and on. I didn't manage to get any homework done. I just kind of stared at the wall or looked at stuff on pinterest or talked with a friend on facebook. I also watched a couple of movies. I think I would have been happier reading something but I didn't feel like I could because if I read something for myself, then I should have been reading homework. 

Anyway, I finally got it all started last night. I've done half the homework in each class and will have to do the other half for both classes tomorrow and Wednesday and then do all the homework for this week too. And there are some fun things happening at the end of this week, like Imbolc. There is no way I am missing that. 

My Aunt has pissed me off on whole new levels. First she's always been a manipulative, hypochondriac, hypocritical, lying bitch who loves to start fights with people. She ran my Uncle into the ground and now she's running my cousin Shi-Chan into the ground. But recently, after learning that a Shi-Chan's best friend, who is a gay man, has AIDS, she said the most awful thing, that this friend deserves it because of his chose lifestyle. No, no one straight or gay or whatever deserves AIDS!  As if that wasn't awful enough, as if tormenting her own daughter wasn't enough, my aunt actually called my mother up and told her to get off her ass, get in the kitchen, and make her dinner one night. And by make her dinner, she expected my mother to make it, bring it to her. Gods forbid she actually get off her ass and help my mother. My aunt was also "too sick" to help Shi-Chan give her niece a bath and wanted Shi-chan to call my mom and make my mom do it. Are you kidding me? My aunt has gotten so vicious, so hateful, and so fucking lazy that my Dad had to actually sit and baby sit her- he had to watch a movie with her at my parents house- while my Mom and Shi-chan cleaned my aunt and Shi-Chan's house. Just so they could get it done in peace and quickly while Shi-chan's niece was with her dad. I mean it's fucking insane!

Well, I have unfriended my Aunt on facebook because I am tired of her hypocritical bible thumping religious posts and every time I see something from her I get extremely angry. I have also blocked her on google+ so she can't read my blog or see anything from me on there. Today she called me and left a message on my voice mail saying that I had to call her ASAP! Oh fuck no! She will not order me around. I have only tolerated her this long for the benefit of Shi-Chan and my parents because my aunt is the kind of person who will take it out of them. But I'm kind of like screw it, I am done! I haven't called her because I would tell her exactly how I feel, that I don't want to speak to her again and "fuck you".

Now, there has been some positive things peaking through all this doom and gloom. I had coffee with a friend today, which was really nice. I also met Amanda at the store and since we have to replace all the stuff we left back in KS, some furniture and kitchen things, we decided to start doing piecemeal now so it isn't so awful when we do get a place. Also, the housing assistance lottery opened today so we will be filling out the application to get out names in for the drawing there as well as looking for subsidized housing. But, we found a hand mixer, a really good blender, and a set of pots and pans including utensils on clearance at Walmart today. We also bought some towels to go with the few we already have and some towels for the kitchen that came with a drying mat for dishes. I also grabbed a pot holder set. Then I got some make up remover wipes and some body wash.  

The only reason I am still up, and its 4:41 am at this very moment, is because I did something stupid and bought myself an early birthday present. Guild Wars 2. I really wasn't going to get it, but I stopped gaming when I started school and I miss it. My Dad doesn't play GW1 anymore and plays Eve Online. He buys the subscription when he's ahead. I can't afford a monthly subscription fee, even if I bought it ahead of time and I don't think I could devote enough to it to really do it justice or make it worth the money spent. GW2 I have been curious about for awhile. We were really excited when it first came out but backed away because there were some major changes. But today, I just said screw it. I can play it at my leisure and not have to worry about letting other people down because I have to do other things. I got the digital version and it's still downloading, has been since 11 pm. Its currently at 92%. 

After I have had some sleep, Amanda and are going to visit a co-worker and friend of hers for tacos and to watch a movie and American Horror Story. When we get home, I have to work on homework. Other than that, we are going to have to schedule a time to get Galen into the vet, he's kind of going down hill again. I'd take him tomorrow but it's hard to get a same day appointment with the vet and he's still eating and drinking, just has that really weird cough hack thing. 

Trying to help my parents just made things worse

Last month I was so worried about my parents that I called my Grandmother because she and Grandpa have been helping my parents financially. My Dad has a job but sometimes there isn't work and sometimes not enough work. Dad has also been looking for other work to help supplement  but with the way things are back in my home state, its really fucking hard, especially when you're 50+ male with 30 years of correctional experience. I mean it's hard for entry level people to find jobs.

Anyway, back to the phone call with Grandma. I called her to see if she could cash in my inheritance and give it to my parents to help keep their heads above water for awhile longer. Grandma said that it's set up in such a way that we couldn't get it until after she and Grandpa pass. Well, I don't want either of them to ever die so that's off the table. Well, apparently she called my Dad and chewed him out about looking for work outside of the state. I have no idea if she told my Dad what I tried to do or not. However, in doing that I made things worse. Now my Dad won't call Grandma for help. He is so depressed he doesn't want to talk to anyone and my Mom says he's panicking so badly. I really screwed things up. If I hadn't asked, then Dad would be able to call Grandma for help. It was already hard enough for him to call in the first place. 

  

Some sadness, some pain, some fur, and a little fun.

Yesterday was a pretty good day, once we got out of the house. My friend Fiona came to visit and we went to Spokane to look at some apartments. The first place didn't seem to have anyone in the office as did the second place but the manager showed up just after we'd all gotten back in the car and had our seat belts on. Amanda and I were both so disenchanted with mostly everything since her father pretty much ruined the morning with a lecture of how we shouldn't waste apartment manager's time by shopping around when we aren't ready to move out. Personally, I think that is wrong. It is good to know what you need to save up for, to know pet deposits and deposits, which places want you to pay more than electricity and so on, if you even like the layout. Some of those internet picture don't really do apartments justice or do them too much justice. You need to see the area these places are in and so on. Anyway by the time we got to the third place, we were were actually able to see an apartment. Those apartments were smaller but if its just Amanda and I, we can make it work. I personally think the apartment complex wants too much for the space but that's just me. I am still hoping to get into one of the ones we looked at toward the end of last year. Shit, I have dreams about that place. 

After we looked at apartments, we picked up another friend and went early to see the woman who hosts the Wiccan Spirituality Circle. We love that woman, she's so warm and wonderful and fun to be around. We had some fun chatting with her and her husband prior to the meeting and then we had fun talking with everyone else when they arrived. It was a really good meeting too. We talked about the power of water. When it was over, we said good bye and took our friend home. Fiona, Amanda, and I then went to Denny's and had a very late dinner after which we came home and just spent a few hours talking before bed. 

All three of us are pretty desperate to get out of our living situations. Fiona was talking about how she feels like she is suffering a slow death of stagnation and of course there is a lot more to it but I understand exactly what she means. I often feel that I am just dying a little more inside every day. I have lost a lot. I feel that the last 4-5 years there has been more damage done than in the whole of my life and I have been subjected to some ugly things. 

Anyway, we are going to be looking at housing options in Washington and dare I say it, even some here in Idaho. I don't really want to stay in Idaho, I want to be in Washington. Amanda would make more money there and have more work opportunities there. It would also be easier for us to spend more time with the friends we've made there. But we will see. I have to do some research on both and look for some more jobs for Amanda. We might even have to all live together just to get us all out and get some peace. Of course we will have to have some rules, especially since Fiona has 4 cats and a dog and we have 2 cats. But we will figure that out later.  

I have also accepted with great emotional pain and anxiety that yet again I am going to have reapply for disability. It was a humiliating nightmare before and I don't want to go through it again but I'm just not able to work. After I finish this blog, I will be retreating to my bed because I am in too much pain to sit at my desk and simply exhausted. I'm going to work on homework, of course because it needs to get done. I am forcing myself to stay out of bed as long as possible today. I'll get up long enough to make dinner, of course. I'm making salmon croquets and we'll have salad to go with it. Instead of lightly pan frying them, I might just bake them so I don't have to stand so long.    

I am having another problem with Amanda's Mom. She pissed me off so bad this time I just don't even want to talk to her. The other night  Cathy came home from work and was pissed because I didn't have dinner done and ready for her. Well, Amanda, Fiona, and I weren't home. We'd gone to the library to pick up a book I need for a class and we were looking at the area around the library and the lake because this is the area that Amanda set her dystopian novel in. Anyway, she was pissed and left with 25 dollars to go to the store so when we got home and Amanda's dad told us all of this, we didn't know if we should wait to see if she would bring anything home or not. Well Amanda's mom was pissed even more when she got home from the store to find that dinner still hadn't been made and then proceeded to rip us a new one about how on days she works she doesn't cook and how we all talk about losing weight and by god this time she's gonna do it. She was starving and so she made only herself something to eat, a plate of ham and some veggies from a really small veggie tray. All the while she's basically blaming us for all of the unhealthy processed food in the house and saying without saying that we're trying to keep her fat. Amanda, thankfully stepped in called her out on it. Saying that she is the one who keeps buying all the highly processed, carb-filled food. Let's put it this way, I was so angry and upset that I left the room in tears and took a Xanax to calm down before I either blew up or broke down. Because in all reality, this woman has and is doing everything she accused us of doing while we've had a 3 year long battle with her over getting healthier food and cooking right. Point of fact, Amanda's mom is very lazy and unless its easy she doesn't want to do and thinks I should have this mindset too. Yes I am in pain, yes a lot of the food I like to cook takes time to prepare, but I am more than willing to work around my disabilities and sit in a fucking chair in the kitchen to prepare and cook it. I actually enjoy cooking flavorful, healthy food. she's the one who wants bland over processed food

Then to make matters worse, the minute we got home last night, Amanda's mom started telling me all the healthy food she's going to buy. I just sat there staring at her. I didn't say anything. This will only last for a week or two at most and then she will be back to the same old shit. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I spend most of my time in my room anyway.  

Okay, so now that that's out, I am going to quit bitching and whining and get to work now.    

DIY Necklace and Bracelet board

As promised I am re-blogging my necklace/bracelet board which used to be posted on my craft blog. Being that I've gone back to school, I had to consolidate my blogs and anything crafty will now be posted here. 

So, this one was actually very easy. I went to a thrift store and found this piece of wood which already had a picture on it (it was sailboats). You could easily get a piece of scrap wood or go get a piece cut for the size and shape you want but I suggest looking at thrift stores first because you never know what you will find and its cheaper. 

I pained it black when I got it home and because I happen to love maps, especially old ones, I found one of Bohemia on the internet and printed it out. Next I glued it on with mod podge it on, and then sealed the entire thing with a fixative. Later, Amanda and I went to the store and bought small metal hooks and she put them on for me. Now it hangs on the wall holding our necklaces and bracelets.  

This is simple, easy, and cheap. You can put whatever you want on it and you can dress it up as much as you want. We chose simplicity because we knew it was going to have a lot on it. 

A Belated Yule Haul post.

This is a belated Yule haul post and we can blame a series of icky homework assignments, time spent back and forth between home and the emergency room, and just plain exhaustion for it. I was given tea for Yule and Christmas but that's not my focus. No, my focus are the books Amanda and I received or gave each other.  

I wanted to finish up our holiday series and really have them available  for when the wheel turns to those festive days. I like to read over lore and various things other tidbits I find in these books to help me get in the spirit. So, with Ostara I also bought Lammas because it was finally reasonably priced. I don't know why Lammas' price fluctuates so much. 

Amanda gave me this for Christmas. It was not one that I had bookmarked, I don't think, but it makes a pleasant addition to my library and I like Dr. Bob Curran's book on Vampires. We also have his book on the Undead. 

My friend Fiona gave this to me for Yule. I think it will be more useful than I originally thought and I am excited to look through it when I finally get the chance. 

Another gift from Fiona at Yule. I am really interested to see what this book holds!

Fiona gave this one to me too, which is awesome because I would like to learn to read the Runes. I really enjoy divination.

A couple of friends highly recommended this book, or rather Penczak's temple series. I have a feeling that many of these books are going to be works in progress and that's okay. 

Between Amanda and our a friend back in Kansas, they both pitched in and bought me the Our Troth books so I can read, explore, and learn. 

Last but certainly not least, is Tarot for Writers. Wow, this book is really awesome and honestly, I never would have thought to use or look at tarot in this way. Amanda and I have already created several story ideas from just a few of the exercises in the book. It's so much fun! More than that, I think I am going to have a better understanding of card meanings through it. 

I am sure that I have forgotten some book(s) but it is after 5 am and I have been up all night doing homework. Let's just put it this way, I suppose I have to have a much hated class and my Lit class on critical theory is it this time. I tried to do some homework at a friend's house earlier in the week but failed miserably. Then I took a stab at it again when we came home. Honestly my text book and some of the ideas therein really piss me off. I certainly don't like the part about how the "author is dead". That's fucktarded! Instead of focusing on yourself, and your feelings or your meaning, why not do that but also take into consideration what the author meant too. *sigh*

Well, I am tired, and I don't know how I managed to get 90% on my geography test tonight but I did and I am calling that good. For now.

Day blown, waiting on Amanda, something good might finally be happening....

Well since I have managed to blow the majority of my day, why not blow some more of it with some photos and some news while I wait on Amanda to figure out what we are doing for our date night at home. 

This is my desk. The place I write, do homework (most of the time), put on make up and do my hair, and look for inspiration (in crafts, writing, make up and hair ect...) or play on the internet. Sometimes I get some crafting done here as well. As you can see, I like Asian things but I also love Gothic things too. Seriously, our room is a clash of random things! There is no set theme or design scheme. That will have to wait until we have a place of our own.

Awhile back I went to community pot luck hosted by the IEPG wherein we made manifestation boards. Well, the one I made there did not turn out the way I wanted so it sat in a craft bag for a couple of months. About a week or so ago, before the New Year, I pulled it out, tore it apart, and reconstructed it. Yes, I know the beige Kanji paper is upside down. I like this version much better. 

This is what I call my "work wall". The sign is one that Amanda made me out of paint, cardboard, paper and vellum paper and a few other things. Below it is a DIY dry erase board that has a list of homework, tasks I need to get done (yes, I am a list maker and you have no idea how tickled I get wen I get to wipe that board clean), and other reminders. Beside that are smaller notes for myself and a fan. The Owl ornaments a friend in Colorado made for Amanda and I one Christmas. And the map is one I drew for a story I am working on. It needs some work, but it is up so I remember that I need to finish it and the actual story. It is there for reference and because it makes me happy.

This is our DIY Necklace/bracelet board. (I will post the construction of it later) We actually made this last year, I think, and its held up very well. We have to go through our stuff as you can see. Above it is a plaster geisha Amanda painted for me when she went to one of those "you pick and paint it" plaster places, on one of her Boston visits. To the left is a DIY cell phone charger holder that I made out of shampoo bottle. Below all of that are some blank canvases I have yet to open and put paint to. 

This is just one of our bookshelves and it's double shelved on the second shelf. The little crocheted pouch on the first shelf with the Rune (looks like an arrow) is a bag of crocheted runes I got at the IEPG Yule celebration. We have some magical books, writing books, some of my paranormal romance novels, some candles and other things on the shelf too. Psst, I'll tell you a secret, that's not all of our books. We have more in the garage and some back in my parents' basement in Kansas. 

The shame shot! Something awful happened in our room. Last term of school really took a lot of my focus and whenever I could get out of the room for IEPG stuff, I went! Then the holidays happened and Amanda got sick, so our room fell by the wayside. Not that we are really messy people but when you live in one room and have Amanda for a fiance... yeah... things get cluttered and fall into disarray fast. Amanda's one of those people who comes home from work and pretty much throws their clothes off everywhere, dumps her stuff, and runs around in a t-shirt and underwear. Unless we have company, lol. So, yes, we have a basket of random stuff, a big comforter that needs washed, and I am in the process of taking down my Yule altar and setting up for Spring. I will probably move that sword to another wall. It just doesn't feel right, right there. Yes, that is another bookshelf behind the fan and the blue thing is a build a bear Trixie Luna Moon pony that Amanda got for her birthday. I have part of my collection of plush toy raccoon's. I painted peacock scenes on a wooden screen thingy I found at a thrift store for Amanda. The brown thing is a jewelry thingy I painted but I don't think I am done with it. I kind of want to redo it. Oh and the dresser is an antique that once belonged to my Great Grandma Richardson. It has a mirror that attaches to it, but we took it off and put it safely in the closet. It will go back on later. I actually thought someone in my family made the dresser because I'd seen other pieces of furniture made by members of my family with the same dark finish. But my Dad says it wasn't. 

Last picture I swear! Just a few of my little things I keep above my desk. 

So, there are several pieces of news and I will try to make them quick. 

First. Amanda doesn't have MRSA, which is a great relief. What she did have was cellulitis and no I can't spell that word. It just means she had an infection in the skin. After many trips to the ER to get intravenous antibiotics (every 12 hours), she finally started to heal. The IV port in her arm came out last night and she is able to return to work this Sunday. We had a scare with the antibiotics which a doctor took "a calculated risk" in giving her a cephalosporin. Amanda is allergic to cephalosporins, had a horrible reaction when she was in high school. But we couldn't get anyone to listen to us when we told them that. They just kept saying that if she was going to have a reaction, she would have already had it. But some people don't have reactions right away. So I am not happy about that nor am I happy about the first ER visit. We will be talking to the billing department to get some of the bill written off because there's no way we can pay for it all and the first ER visit was utter bullshit. 

Secondly, Galen never made it to the vet because we were dealing with Amanda's stuff and I was far to exhausted to take him. I feel awful but the good news is that he seems to be getting better on his own, which leads me to believe it was just a kitty cold. If his health doesn't continue to improve, I will take him to the vet for certain. And we are still planning to take him for an elderly cat exam.

The third bit of news, this term is startling to look a lot like last term, as far as me playing catch up and having butt loads of homework. That's okay, as long as there are no more big health issues.

Fourth, my Dad did not get the job with Wal-Mart. However, they apparently liked him well enough to look for other stores where he might be able to get on. I don't know if that is helpful or hopeful or not. 

And lastly, a place Amanda applied for called her back this week. We'd kind of forgotten about them. Anyway, she has a second step interview next week and if she gets this job, we might finally be able to move out of her parents house and into an apartment of our own! You have no idea how much the both of us need that. It would be a life saver, at least in my case. 

So this year got off to a very rocky start but maybe it will prove to be a year where things finally get moving in the right direction? I certainly hope so. I don't know if I can handle another bad year. 

What is it, the ER doesn't know and taking the kitty to the vet pre-adventure

I'm probably going to make this short because I've got lots to do today and I don't know how much longer I can stand sitting at my desk. I'm at the "I can just barely stand it" pain level today. Onward.

For the last couple of days Amanda's parents, our friend Bethy, and I have been after Amanda to go to the damn ER or Urgent Care to get a spot on her shoulder looked at. She didn't know if it was a zit, an ingrown hair, or a spider bite and given that every once in a while she gets big bad zit that typically goes away within a day or two, she pretty much ignored us. Except that this one didn't go away, we couldn't get anything out of it, there was no head, and she ended up being in so much pain that she was sobbing and couldn't really move her arm. So we got her into the doctor who sent her to the ER. They cut into her and got nothing out of it, the infection has spread, so they put her on pain medication and gave her some high powered antibiotics and sent her on her way with instructions that if it didn't get better in 48 hours to come back. Meanwhile the doctors are tossing around the MRSA word, the Staph word, and saying they don't know for sure what this is. They also didn't let her mother or me go back to their  "fast track" room that they put her in so she was alone while someone was cutting into her. And, I am pissed at the billing department for zeroing in on her right away instead of giving her a minute. It's like, can you let a doctor see her at least before you start talking about money for fucks sake?!

Galen is still sick and we think it's upper respiratory infection. He seems better, but that might just be him trying to be perky since we were gone all day yesterday and he missed us. As grumpy as he is, he likes his humans to be home with him. Anyway, I have to take him to the vet but I have a problem. Every time he gets in a car or taken outside, he pees. So I thought about wrapping him up in a towel, a small grocery bag around his back end over the towel, and then another towel. But then I would have to give him a bath when we got home and I just don't want to put him through that on top of the vet. So, I'm really not sure what to do. I know I need to dig the cat carrier out of the garage today or have Amanda's Dad go do it.

I'm not too happy with Amanda's mom right now. She gambled away the grocery money and we had to use our very limited food stamp money up yesterday to get some things to try and make ends meet. It;s going to be another horrible month of trying to make things last, not eating like I should, eating what I can, and oh yeah, guess I won't be seeing if I a gluten intolerant this month either. So that sucks.

One bit of good news came my way. My Dad might actually get a decent job. He applied for a security position at Wal-Mart and they seem to like him. He's had two interviews and I really hope the fucktard assholes back in corrections don't fuck him over like they have in the past. Basically my Dad and the director didn't see eye to eye and the director destroyed the program my Dad spent 30 years building- that actually worked- got rid of his job and moved him from adult to juvenile. Then the people in juvenile made things impossible for my Dad so they could force him into a forced early retirement. Yes this shit actually goes on. And for shits and giggles the director and my Dad's old boss in Juvenile and even the one in adult residential corrections are all buddies and to this day still gang up on him. I don't understand it. Oh and they recently realized that they did need someone doing my Dad's old job in adult residential so they opened that up but wouldn't let him have it back. So, yeah, my Dad worked his way from the bottom to Facility manager and 2nd to the boss in corrections and after 30+ years was thrown out because the director didn't like that my Dad was effective at his job and was right about how things should be done. Did I mention that they didn't like each other in college either? Oh yeah, they happened to have had classes together. And did I mention that it's a good thing that I don't know what this man looks like else I might run over his foot with my car!

Anyway, I hope my Dad gets the job because that will certainly help him and my Mom out and get their heads above water again.

I start school again in two days and I don't know if I am okay with this. I didn't get a lot done that I wanted to get done. I hate that.