Of explosions, icky tummies, and trying not to fuck it up.

Well this alchemist has apparently hopped on the struggle bus and can't seem to drive it up and over the hill so she can coast down the falling action and resolution of her story. I'm in the final stretch. The main bad guy (who has been there in spirit and now in the flesh) has left his "Doll face" a nice surprise in her house and has come down her stairs. There was fire and then an explosion. But I claw for every single word. But I'll come back to that in a few moments. 

We never got to any of the writer's panels this weekend. Yesterday E. was really sick from Jet Lag. Today we went to Amanda's parent's house early to do all the laundry that we were backed up on. We have a small washer and dryer. They have a full sized one. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep to something Francis was watching, the British Wallander. I awoke to Midsomer Murders. I haven't seen much of the former and what I have seen was mostly the Swedish version. Of the latter, I really enjoy Midsomer Murders. It is something that we can watch with Amanda's parents that we can all agree on. I actually enjoy watching the British shows with Francis. Speaking of Francis, he was giving me shit today. I reminded him that I know where he sleeps.

Our friends Rachel and her boyfriend came over for dinner and we played a couple of games afterward. It fun and really nice. However, Amanda's been sick tonight. I'm really starting to worry about her. She'd thrown up in the middle of the night several times. I want to know if it really is heart burn or something else. I, on the other hand, have had issues of another icky tummy nature tonight. Not sure what that is about, unless I'm having trouble with milk. I had some today. Or maybe it was the deli food we had for lunch, either way, my stomach hasn't been happy with me. 

Back to the story struggles. Last night before another painful night in bed, I made myself a note:

"GET THE BONES OUT THEN THE MUSCLES< NERVES AND FLESH LATER"

That's so much easier said than done. But really, this draft is the bones. My editing process later will be the muscles and nerves because I will be editing and a friend will be reading it and I'll ask her for suggestions. Then another run through will be the flesh. But I suppose I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up the bones hence why I am struggling. I also don't want to screw up the bad guy. It is a fanfiction so it's not that important, but it still means something to me, so in a way, it matters. Still, I am excited and ready for this story to end. I'm not complaining or bitching, just kind of venting. I'm also writing a blog because some times if I write something else for a few minutes and then return to what I was working on- that's giving me trouble- I can pick it back up again and make some progress. 

Sad panda day, Depression and Anxiety at its finest, happy plans

Today, I am a Sad Panda. I actually started writing a blog that was nothing but emotional vomit- anger, panic, and pain filled. After half an hour or so of writing it, I decided it was too much, too vivid, and too pathetic. Worse, I was afraid that it might make people worry unnecessarily, especially when it got to the angry parts. I've said it many times in real life and I think on here too, I use my blog as a coping and venting mechanism. Well I got it out and can share it with my therapist as something to address and work on. 

However, there is one thing that made me cry this morning. I was looking at a post I'd written on facebook to a friend and saw something horrible. I used then instead of than. A bad grammar mistake that I see a lot on facebook and other places rubbed off on me because I have never had a problem with that before. Other grammatical issue, like commas, sure, but then and than, never. I am so pissed, so shocked, and kind very dismayed. 

Aside from that, my depression and anxiety were in full force this weekend. We went to a friend's anniversary party and I didn't know until the I was leaving, that one of the hosts was having a rough time of it yesterday. I'm a little sad that I didn't pick up on it. I am also a little sad that I didn't go play the game she was playing. On top of that I was a little sad about the story cube game we were playing. Don't get me wrong, I love games and I love the story cube game, but I really suck at it. While Amanda seems to excel at being put on the spot and can pull a really neat and detailed story out of her ass, I can't, not really, even despite being a writer. When I told Amanda how I felt, she said that I'm not good with on the spot stuff and that I am more contemplative. Which is true, I had these sorts of issues with philosophy class discussions the most, but also in other classes through out my life. I'm an observer anyway, so sometimes it is just easier and perhaps safer, for me to sit back and watch and listen and weigh in at a latter time or never. But then I get frustrated because I feel stupid. I'm not stupid. I just really think about things, break them down and tear them apart. So while we are playing story cubes I'm sitting there analyzing how something could happen or work, trying to hear people down the table over the background noise, anticipate the feel of the story that we're putting together, and when it is my turn and I roll the dice, try to make something up on the fly instead of taking 5-10 minutes to make something on par with what Amanda's and some of the other players are dishing out. My responses ended up being something along the lines of unicorn farts, gaseous nebula, being cured by a witch to be pelted with crow eggs for all eternity, and monkey slavery. *sigh* 

I also had a hard time telling another set of friend as we were leaving their house, that I have a really hard time inviting myself over to people's houses. I grew up with the mentality that you shouldn't make a nuisance of yourself. Since anywhere I go, I generally feel like I am in the way, don't want to make a mess, and always want to be helpful, that feeling of being too weird or awkward, too opinionated, too quite, having resting bitch face, and so on, makes me even more reluctant to say "hey, can I come over". It works the other way too, in inviting people over, because I don't want them to feel obligated or interfere with anything. I have some really weird issues and I am working on them. Part of that is getting over my fears and trusting my friends to be honest. 

We have some happy plans this week, and I am going to try and focus on those since I feel all kinds of icky today. Our friend Rachel is coming over this week to have dinner with us and we are making some luminaries with the giant pickle jars I have. Thursday we are going to Stitch & Witch  which is also our 9 year anniversary of being together. Friday we are going to do some shopping grocery and Halloween. We would like to go out to Greenbluff this weekend, and Sunday we are supposed to go to a baby shower. In the mean time, I need to resize and print some patterns I bought from Urban Threads awhile back, and I need to dig through the sewing patterns I own, because I am going to have Rachel show me how to expand patterns. I actually need to see it being done.  I also want to finally decide which fabrics I am using to make a quilt, and just get to work. I've been feeling pretty crafty lately and a couple of blogger friends and even a one in real life has inspired me to pull out my sewing machine. I also need to write. I have spells and I have been plotting out a novel.   

It's starting to feel like home...

This is our Yule/Christmas tree. Yes, that is technically a Halloween tree (a friend gave it to us last year) but our Yule/Christmas tree hadn't made it over yet and I kind of missed out on a lot of Halloween this year. Plus, purple lights! anyway, I also decided that while we are unpacking, I might as well decorate for Yule/Christmas so I don't have to do it later. So far, so good, I think. Although, I don't really have suitable pictures of the rest of the house yet. The camera on my phone is crappy and I just haven't had the time or energy to find my Nikon and take proper pictures (sorry about the poor picture quality here). I will this week.

The move went pretty well. I think only one thing got broken and it was small. We had some help, which was much appreciated. However, it is taking forever to unpack because Amanda works full time and I have been doing homework. We have also had to run back to Amanda's parents house and go to the family Christmas party. We've done some shopping, went out to find fire wood, run errands, and had company. And to top it all off, I have been having computer problems. So I am going to try and break things down in a short list and explanations because I have lots to do today.

1. Windows 10 and my computer hate each other. After upgrading to Windows 10 for free, at the recommendation of a friend, my computer began to rage war. Display drivers crashed repeatedly and I got the blue screen of death several times. Also, I could sit right in front of the wireless router and have no internet. Apparently this is a problem for Toshiba and Windows 10 because it's on their website. One of my friends came over to downgrade me back to Windows 8.1. But then we had to download drivers, I had to reinstall Microsoft office only for some reason our product key didn't want to work, so I spent an hour and half on the phone with a nice lady who I couldn't totally understand. We had to link my computer to hers so she could do things on mine. Then here were the updates and oh yes, I had to go and turn the program off that looks for updates for me because it was eating up all the CPU and I couldn't do anything. Now, it's fixed. I think. But this computer is weird and Amanda is going to get me a new one for my birthday. So I just have to keep this one running until March. 

2. We have lots of books. We have 4 of the tall, 5 shelf bookcases full of books. Well the bottom row on at least three of those bookcases has Amanda's vinyl records on them. We keep finding boxes that have books in them so Amanda thinks we are going to need at least two more bookcases. It was so funny because when we were getting some things we needed for the apartment, I told her we were going to need at least 4 bookcases. She didn't want to believe me. We were going to have the second bedroom be an office, but Amanda thinks at this point, it's just going to have to be a craft/ library. I'm okay with that. 

3. We have had lots of company. Our friend Chris comes over at least once or twice a week, which is great because she is one of our most low maintenance friends.  She's very calm, very laid back and all around good company. Birdy and Dram live a couple of block away and have been coming over almost every day to help me unpack or help with my computer. Sometimes not a lot of unpacking gets done because I have just been so exhausted, but Birdy built two of my bookcases, the tv stand, and fixed my computer. She has also helped me out when I have had to do some homework by making me tea or coffee. She is going to come over today at some point too.  

We also had the twins come up for an over night stay. I think it was too soon. I was ready for them to leave when they left to have lunch with their grandmother. They came back after that, which really was fine. I just don't think we were ready to have over night company yet. 

4. Showers and cats go hand in hand for me now. Firstly, Narcisa loves to play in the bath tub, specifically she likes to attack the shower curtain liner and leave little paw prints all over the tub. Secondly, she likes to watch me show, as in sit on the side of the tub and stare. We had a kitty who did that some years ago, so this isn't a new thing, what is new, is that she thinks she wants to jump in with me while I am showering. Um no. I am already having a hard time taking showers as is. I actually had to take part of a nerve pill to take my first shower in this apartment. I have a thing with new bathtubs, it's like I have to get used to them before I am truly comfortable with them. Also, there is the slipping factor, the fact that I used to get burned every time I took a shower because someone would flush a toilet or turn on water somewhere else in the house, and a few other things. Amanda thinks it also has to do with my back. Either way it sucks and I need to get over it fast. 

5. I have been so tried lately. All the movement is good for me and I have enjoyed unpacking, moving stuff around and getting out to explore my new surroundings. But it is taking its toll. I am still dealing with PCOS, my fibromyalgia is flaring up- today I am hurting pretty badly, and my back is giving me grief. Something new has come about as well. My friend Chris thinks it is just my tendonitis but I have never had it hurt in my hand before. While tendonitius might be the case for my writs, I think I actually strained something in my hand. It happened in the move and I think I aggravate it when I get up from chairs. Even doing simple things seems to bother it. It is better, but it was cause for concern earlier in the week.

6. Family. My Dad's leg is doing better, apparently. I still think it looks awful. It's still hurting him terribly, but he's working and sounds kind of upbeat on the phone. 

I just got off the phone with my Mother and my cousin Shi-chan. I have been so excited and happy for my cousin Shi-chan, she has this amazing boyfriend, who is a friend of mine from  high school. Anyway, they are happy together and apparently he moved in with them. Most people who have been following me for awhile know how vicious my aunt can be. Apparently she was up to her usual shit of tearing into Shi-chan (you know emotional abuse) and Shi-chan's boyfriend stood up for her. Oh but my bitch of an anut just can't have that. She needs complete control over Shi-chan. so now she's calling everyone trying to find out the guy's last name so she can get a restraining order on him. she wants him out of her house now!  She wants to get a restraining order on her daughter boyfriend because he stood up for the daughter she was abusing... Yeah... fucking bitch!

My Grandparents seem to be doing well. They are taking their yearly snowbird trip to Texas. So far so good! Hopefully they have a nice, easy time, and have fun. Last year Grandma fell and hurt herself. I insist to the universe at large, that there will be none of that this year.

7. Finally, last night was a good night. I made Cavatini for dinner and then we played Start Wars Monopoly until midnight. That's late for us these days, really late. We didn't even finish the game, but I was kind of starting to fall asleep, so we had to call it quits. It was a lot of fun!

  

Games, computer troubles, and something very scary and unsettling.

One of my Jade Dynasty Characters

It used to be that I would play Guild Wars with my Dad every so often if not every day. I freaking loved it. So when I pulled my guild out of the alliance we were in because of their bullshit and insistence on us having more people in our guild than we wanted, and because I was going back to school and wouldn't be able to do as many faction runs, let's just sat things kind of petered out. Dad and I didn't play as much and eventually not at all and then on top of that Dad's gaming mouse broke. Which is fine except he has some trouble with that hand. Things cramp and lock up.

So Dad went looking for another game to play just for fun and found Neverwinter. He didn't tell me about it at first because he knew I would want to play it and neglect my homework. But I noticed in our conversations, there was something really distant and lacking, they weren't the same as before. But when he finally did tell me, things were back to normal. I did download the Arc client or interface and Neverwinter and Jade Dynasty Regenesis (all free MMORPGs). Neverwinter's navigation really drives me nuts and since I was frustrated with it, I kind of put it aside.

Lately I've really missed gaming but I refused to play until I had homework finished for the week and other things. But the other night, I said screw it and played. I have a couple of characters in Jade Dynasty, all of whom I've run through training and got them to the first set of quests. The one pictured I named Seilise, which is the name of a Moon elf character from a short story I wrote a couple of terms ago. Fun fact, that's kind of how I'd pictured her but with different clothes.

Well last night I got on to play and it took forever to run the patches for Neverwinter and my computer shut down on me because I switch wireless usb sticks in my computer when changing wireless mouses. (I had to because Skoora needed mine because it also works for a wireless keyboard, which she needed to use for her laptop because she broke some keys- it's a long drawn out story that's I'll blog about later) Anyway, I get my computer started up again, get things running, the patch finishes and I create a new character for Neverwinter because my Dad told me about a new class that sounded really awesome. Scourge Wizard. Only when I start to play my computer just shuts off for no reason. I thought it had overheated but that's not possible because I had it elevated with a small fan pointed at it, pushing cool air under it. So when I got it on again, I ran ccleaner, my malware scanner, my antivirus scanner, and my spybot scanner. Everything looks okay and I don't know what's going on. I might just have to back everything up and get the upgrade for Windows 8.1. I've been putting it off for quite awhile.

So all of that aside, I went to bed after a nice warm shower. I was hurting pretty bad and well, needed to take a shower anyway. But I awoke in the middle of the night my entire body so tense it hurt, shivering and shaking uncontrollably, but I wasn't cold. I got up and barely made it to the bathroom and woke Skoora up long enough to get me some Tylenol and find and plug in the heating pad for my back. We have on that shuts off after 30 minutes. When I got settled back in bed with the quilt and another blanket and the heating pad, I slowly stopped shaking and shivering. But, like I said, I wasn't even cold to begin with. At least I didn't feel cold. It's so upsetting because I don't know if I am sick or if this is just another withdrawal symptom of my depression meds, or if there is something else going on. It is certainly something I will have to speak to my doctor about when I can afford to get into see her. 

In lieu of... and a picture

Picture © Hannah Richardson

The picture above is one I took of my little Yule display in my room. I was fiddling with my camera and I still haven't gotten the hang of ISO settings and taking candle pictures with the lights off. I played with the picture in pixlr express, hoping to take some of the graininess away. But there it is and for what it is, it's pretty.

As I said in my last post, a friend had the idea of me writing a short Christmas story in lieu of writing the dreaded 'what I've been up to this past year' portion of our Christmas/Yule letter this year. Well, I did it. I wrote a short, four page story, and in doing so I remembered why I really don't like writing short stories. There's never enough time to go into as much detail as I would like, I have to move things along faster, and it feels weird after I've been used to writing novel length stories. Even the fan fiction I wrote several years ago, and the collaborative written role plays were and have been as long as novels.

But, I can't afford to mail a novel length Christmas/Yule card to everyone so four pages will have to do.The story might not even remain four pages because I only just finished the 1st rough draft. Skoora and I need to go over it together tomorrow after she gets home from work and edit it. I'll need to fix the errors and make the necessary changes. I also might end up writing a little bit for those we don't send the story portion of the letter to. Just a short little blurb, nothing too detailed or personal.

Honestly, when we get all the mailing done, I will feel a little relieved. We have so much to do and I realized today that there are only 10 days until Christmas and 7 days until Yule. Oh boy! Not all of the ordered Christmas/ Yule presents have arrived and I am afraid that some won't come until after both holidays. I haven't really decided what I am going to cook for Christmas dinner. If I left that up to Skoora's mom, we'd have ham and cheese buns. They are okay, but I am used to a big Christmas dinner so I'm going to cook one. I know I am making home-made mac'n cheese. Skoora's mom requested it and I definitely want mashed potatoes and gravy. I'll bake some pies and make my little snacks, but as for a veggie dish and the meat portion, well, I still need to sit down with Pinterest! I'll do that tomorrow though.

Oh and I still have to make/finish a few presents too. I had to wait for some supplies to come in the mail since my local craft store didn't have what I needed.

In other news, Yoda has managed to sucker a nibble of cheese out of Skoora's mom and I this evening. He's not even supposed to have it anymore, but he doesn't get treats and he won't eat canned cat food, so we try to give him a little bit of a treat now and then, especially since the other cats get them.

Yesterday a package came in the mail. It contained four mini Funko vinyl My Little Ponies. Since Skoora and I weren't having the best of days, in fact it was kind of bad, we decided to open them. We got the Dj, Spitfire, Bon Bon, and Lyra. I thought perhaps the tails moved and was remarking so and at the same time Skoora and I both twisted them a little. Guess what? The tails don't move and if you twist them, you twist them off. Or well, we managed not to pull them completely off. But, we were able to fix them with the soldering iron. I know that's not what it's supposed to be used for but it worked and that's all that matters and the tails are snugly back in place and don't even look like they were bothered in the first place.

Also, while we were playing the card version of monopoly, I grabbed a round, plastic Christmas ornament from one of the center pieces that were on the tables at the family Christmas party. I dusted it off and put it in my mouth. Skoora  and her mom both watched me do this and neither one of them made the connection of what I was about to do. I popped that ornament out of my mouth and it flew across the table and smacked Skoora right in the glasses. She was so startled and confused, it was priceless! I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard. Better yet, I did it to her again when she came into the bedroom for bed.

Speaking of bed, it's time for me to crawl in it.

  

Eeek! Sleeplessness and poo.

I awoke after having less than three hours worth of sleep. I needed something to drink and also I'm in so much pain, I just can't sleep. So, because there is nothing more annoying than being in a room full of sleeping cats and a snoring girlfriend when you can't sleep, I decided to play some games on Facebook.

I love Dragon City! Some of the dragons are too cute and some are really pretty. But I also play Bubble Witch Saga and am currently stuck on level 35. A few days ago, because I was curious, I decided to start playing Candy Crush Saga as well. It's okay but nothing I would write home about. Speaking of writing home... I need to write another letter to my cousin Shi-chan.

It is a good thing that I am awake so early this morning for Yoda hopped up on the bed next to me. I thought he smelled a little strange but it wasn't until he pushed his way between me and my computer (my desk is right beside my bed) and up on my pillow, that I realized what the stick was. He had poo stuck in his fur and he wasn't happy that I had lifted his tail either. But I told him to stay put, went to the bathroom for some toilet paper and a washcloth with soap. After some glaring but surprisingly no fussing, Yoda is clean and my pillowcase has been changed. I will have to trim his fur again but I will do that later since he's sleeping.

On a non-poopy matter, I finished the anime Darker Than Black, last night and it was really good. I thought I saw something about another season somewhere so I will have to look. In the mean time, I guess I will see if I can get back to sleep.

Frustrated geek.

(Lennier from Babylon 5- my favorite character also played Will Robinson in the original Lost in Space)

I've had two epiphanies tonight/this morning one being that I really haven't been blogging much at all. The second was while I was posting a pic of one of my cats on facebook. I recently watched A Tale of Two Cities  
                                            
And my stupid cat had an expression that Chris Sarandon, the guy above, shows whilst playing the Sydney Carton character. Anyway, I was trying to describe which rendition the movie was and linked the guy with Alice Krige, the woman above, who played the Borg Queen in the movie 'Star Trek: First Contact' and she also played the mother of Paul Atredies in Children of Dune, I could list some other films she's been in *ehm* Silent Hill. The point is, I got miffed because the only person I know in real life and on the internet who could possibly make the connections is my father and possibly my mother. And for some reason it really bothered me that no matter how 'geeky' my friends claim to be, they just don't quite reach me and I'm not nearly as 'geeky' as I should/ could be.

One of my cousins told me over the phone that she recently got a boyfriend and he 'appreciates her geekiness'. This was pertaining to the fact that she made a skirt out of material printed with a Starwars comic book design. The skirt is 'geeky', I'll give her that, but wearing it to see the Avengers is not. That's bad taste. And she's supposed to be getting a degree in fashion/costume design... Uh huh... Honey, you're kind of an air head but I love you still.

So I got to thinking about my 'geekiness' and how much of a geek I am and I'm a little sad. I've had to con a few people into taking my Magic the Gathering playing cards off my hand in the last couple of years because I have no one to play with. Dad and I were the only people I ever knew who played the Babylon 5 card game. I have Inuyasha cards but no one to play them with either. I don't know anyone besides my parents who even knew about the Terrace game from Star Trek: The Next Generation, bought it, and played, not to mention still has it. And I haven't even started with the shows and movies and that's just Scifi stuff, I haven't even really scratched the anime, and fantasy... I'm going to stop there because my brain is starting to run away from me in bizarre directions.

In the end, the very base point is: I am a sad sad panda bear who will dance for you if you give me a quarter but my sadness, today, comes from the fact that no one has a fucking idea what I am talking about *head desk*.