Today, I am a Sad Panda. I actually started writing a blog that was nothing but emotional vomit- anger, panic, and pain filled. After half an hour or so of writing it, I decided it was too much, too vivid, and too pathetic. Worse, I was afraid that it might make people worry unnecessarily, especially when it got to the angry parts. I've said it many times in real life and I think on here too, I use my blog as a coping and venting mechanism. Well I got it out and can share it with my therapist as something to address and work on.
However, there is one thing that made me cry this morning. I was looking at a post I'd written on facebook to a friend and saw something horrible. I used then instead of than. A bad grammar mistake that I see a lot on facebook and other places rubbed off on me because I have never had a problem with that before. Other grammatical issue, like commas, sure, but then and than, never. I am so pissed, so shocked, and kind very dismayed.
Aside from that, my depression and anxiety were in full force this weekend. We went to a friend's anniversary party and I didn't know until the I was leaving, that one of the hosts was having a rough time of it yesterday. I'm a little sad that I didn't pick up on it. I am also a little sad that I didn't go play the game she was playing. On top of that I was a little sad about the story cube game we were playing. Don't get me wrong, I love games and I love the story cube game, but I really suck at it. While Amanda seems to excel at being put on the spot and can pull a really neat and detailed story out of her ass, I can't, not really, even despite being a writer. When I told Amanda how I felt, she said that I'm not good with on the spot stuff and that I am more contemplative. Which is true, I had these sorts of issues with philosophy class discussions the most, but also in other classes through out my life. I'm an observer anyway, so sometimes it is just easier and perhaps safer, for me to sit back and watch and listen and weigh in at a latter time or never. But then I get frustrated because I feel stupid. I'm not stupid. I just really think about things, break them down and tear them apart. So while we are playing story cubes I'm sitting there analyzing how something could happen or work, trying to hear people down the table over the background noise, anticipate the feel of the story that we're putting together, and when it is my turn and I roll the dice, try to make something up on the fly instead of taking 5-10 minutes to make something on par with what Amanda's and some of the other players are dishing out. My responses ended up being something along the lines of unicorn farts, gaseous nebula, being cured by a witch to be pelted with crow eggs for all eternity, and monkey slavery. *sigh*
I also had a hard time telling another set of friend as we were leaving their house, that I have a really hard time inviting myself over to people's houses. I grew up with the mentality that you shouldn't make a nuisance of yourself. Since anywhere I go, I generally feel like I am in the way, don't want to make a mess, and always want to be helpful, that feeling of being too weird or awkward, too opinionated, too quite, having resting bitch face, and so on, makes me even more reluctant to say "hey, can I come over". It works the other way too, in inviting people over, because I don't want them to feel obligated or interfere with anything. I have some really weird issues and I am working on them. Part of that is getting over my fears and trusting my friends to be honest.
We have some happy plans this week, and I am going to try and focus on those since I feel all kinds of icky today. Our friend Rachel is coming over this week to have dinner with us and we are making some luminaries with the giant pickle jars I have. Thursday we are going to Stitch & Witch which is also our 9 year anniversary of being together. Friday we are going to do some shopping grocery and Halloween. We would like to go out to Greenbluff this weekend, and Sunday we are supposed to go to a baby shower. In the mean time, I need to resize and print some patterns I bought from Urban Threads awhile back, and I need to dig through the sewing patterns I own, because I am going to have Rachel show me how to expand patterns. I actually need to see it being done. I also want to finally decide which fabrics I am using to make a quilt, and just get to work. I've been feeling pretty crafty lately and a couple of blogger friends and even a one in real life has inspired me to pull out my sewing machine. I also need to write. I have spells and I have been plotting out a novel.