Tuesday, April 30, 2013

It's time for equivalent exchange folks

Every so often get fussy and complain about this or that. Sometimes I rant and I rave. I'm human and it's to be expected because no matter how hard someone tries, they can't be perfect or please everyone. Trust me, I know, it's impossible.

For me, trying to force myself to be more positive for others and also to try and help myself, is just going to have to be filed into the 'impossible' cabinet for the moment. There are a lot of things going on in my life, inner turmoils and struggles that often get fed by outward situations and stimuli.  Generally I'm pretty good at hiding but depending on certain factors, I fail miserably in the 'let's hide how I really feel so I don't upset or bother anyone else'. Why do I even care? Because I have friends that I would like to keep, that's why. Shouldn't my friend love me for all the parts that make me up? You'd think right? But for some reason, I have such a low self esteem and confidence level that prevents me from really getting comfortable around most people.

Point of fact, I am miserable 85% of the time. I feel like I am drowning in self loathing, anger, and pain and depression. I live with severe depression and anxiety  Okay, I was treating that with medication and some therapy when I felt like things were starting to get really bad. But then I started having issue with my period. Either I went forever without one, or I was on it for months to a year and several times its been heavy enough that I've gone to the ER (let me tell you what a waste of time that is).  I always get so horribly weak. Add a herniated disk and fibromyalgia to the list and things start getting from bad to worse. Frankly, if I wasn't so worried about upsetting and hurting my family, friends, and even my cats, I would kill myself. I have devised several plans, all that could easily be executed in a timely fashion and  because I am considerate, have easy clean up as well. But don't worry, like I said, I'm not going to kill myself because it would hurt the people I care about.

I am very limited a lot of the time in some of things I can do. Some days it's a fight to get out of bed. I actually had to get a dry erase sticker to put on the door that I write a list of things I want or need to do to help motivate me. That in and of itself is depressing but it does help. But all of the physical problems just make the depression worse.

I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said it's like I don't want to be seen. She's right, I don't want to be seen. I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed of myself. There are times I don't know why Skoora is still with me, why my family and friends still talk to me much less spend time with me. I can't work, I can't go to school, I can barely handle going shopping for groceries much less anything fun. I want to do things with friend but I get so exhausted and feel drained so quickly and easily and it doesn't help that my medicine makes me tried oh and I recently found out that some of my medicine makes my hair thin (I was wondering why there was more in my hairbrush than usual). And I just learned that I've gained more weight despite the 'in what  can do' efforts to lose weight. And of course all of my medicine makes me gain weight too and has been for the last 12 years. And I am not going to go into anymore because it just gets even more sensitive.

But I keep trying and I keep telling myself that I am lucky, that I could have it a lot worse, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful and I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful. Shit, I get  very excited when someone remembers to say 'Happy Birthday' on my facebook wall on facebook, even if the little notification on the side told them it was my birthday.

In the end, I know it's easy for everyone to forget that I am in a lot of pain and dealing with things internally that are hard, but I work hard at having patience with others. So, I feel like others could and should show me the same consideration.    


  1. I'm so sorry Hannah. You and I are alike in so many ways it's not even funny.

    It's horrible walking around feeling like you've got 10 pounds of emotional and physical shit crammed in a 5 pound bag because of cramming stuff inside. It's hard enough for friends and loved ones to see me in pain, I don't want to add to it by talking about how much I sometimes just want to end it. Then I get to feel guilty twice over: Once for feeling like my problems are a 'drag' on the ones around me, and twice for talking about how bad I /actually/ feel all the time.

    You do work hard at being patient, Hannah. You do it so well that you make it look like second nature-like it comes easy, even though I know it comes at a great price to you. And when you do rant or complain, you even do that as politely and quietly as possible. You seem to let yourself have 'little leaks' of a sort.

    I wish I were better at that. I don't have little leaks, I have explosions and the shit falls on whoever happens to be in my proximity; then I have pain, shame, and the need to make amends on top of it. And that hurts the most because a lot of the time [primarily with the ex or some of his family] they contributed to the pain and stress and weren't listening when I was saying, "Please stop. Okay, that's enough..boundaries, people, boundaries!" Then they get full of righteous indignation at my verbally abusive outbursts. And in the case of the one sister in law, she always hated me /because/ of my forbearance; I was just a little goodie two shoes who's shit didn't stink like the rest of the world. If I could count on my fingers how many times they've apologized for things they've done to me, well, lets just say I wouldn't have enough fingers to wipe my ass. >:( The most I've gotten in the way of an apology from my sister in law was, "I suppose there are things I could be sorry about." And that was said to my ex, not even me.

    It does seem that silent sufferers and patient, forbearing people aren't 'allowed' to be as human as the rest of the world. I guess when we come unglued it scares people. But God! Enough is enough and too much is too much. :(

    1. I agree. I used to have bigger blowouts where thing would get thrown but those events didn't happen very often at all. It wasn't until I started hurting physically ad hurt my back that I started having leaks from frequently. It really sucks. I really do hate upsetting people. But at the same time I just want to tell people to fuck off because I'm so tired of holding things back and trying to be calm and held together all the time.

      I don't think you should have to apologize for when you've blown up at people. They were the reason why you blew up but that's advice I should either eat or take myself. I apologize for being cranky when people have pissed me off and pushed me to my limits too. I really wish we didn't have to deal with instances like that. But I suppose that is life Yuck! I feel like I m not making much sense today. I am so tired. And Galen is licking my plate, great. -.-

  2. I'm with you because I love you and I think that I probably see your best and your worst sides. I feel privileged in that because I know that you work so hard not to let others know how you feel, but I get to know. And I know that I forget or overlook the physical and mental pain sometimes and I apologize for that.

    1. I love you too and I know that you can't be keyed into me all the time, which is okay. You don't really need to apologize, I just needed to vent a little and get stuff out.