Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Awful doesn't even begin to cover how I feel, cats, my college sent my name to someone...

Our Kitties

Oh look, I made silly cat picture thing and the pic was taken with my shitty phone camera (the phone is way out dated but if it ain't broke, don't replace it? Actually it beeps at me all the time and is so annoying but I am too stubborn to drop over $100 on cell phone). Anyway the kitties are from front to back, Ellie, Narcisa, and then Galen.

A short update on Narcisa: She is a little rambunctious pest! I love her so much! She is lovable at night and sometimes during the day. Sometimes I swear she can fly but doesn't quite have the hang of it. She jumped from the desk to the bed the other day but didn't calculate properly and crashed face first into the side of the bed. She also likes to hang out in the refrigerator. It's cool, dark when she shut the door, and there's food! Of course we don't let the door stay closed for more than a few seconds and we're trying to discourage her from going in there. She also loves to climb the curtains, push the other cats out of chairs and off the cat tower. Did I mention that she plays in the litter box? She goes in, does her business, and then plays in the litter. It is so gross! But she is finally learning her name and she seems to not want to be far from Skoora or me when we are home.  

 And that ends the happier portion of today's blog post.

I feel like shit! I've felt like shit the last couple of days and it is't the usual lower back pain, fibromyalgia pain, or the occasional migraine. Or even this new health issue of anemia which I can't seem to shake. Nope, it's worse. I am out of my depression meds and have been for three days. I called them into the pharmacy but we don't have the money to go pick them up. Skoora's mom said she'd pick them up but she hasn't and we have to borrow money for gas so we can go to Spokane tomorrow to turn in some job applications and then be back in time to pick a friend's brother up from school and take him home, and then I think Skoora is going to donate plasma. Maybe, maybe after she does that- assuming we don't have to put more gas into the car, I can finally get this medication and get it back into my system. 

Not having it has been simply awful. I've had so many panic attacks, bouts of crying, and worst of all, melt downs. I had one while driving yesterday and had to take a xanax as soon as we arrived home. That pretty much ruined the evening because I slept through it. I did manage to come out of the heavy, groggy sleep for a few hours, but I didn't get much accomplished. Oh wait, we went to the store, had dinner, and I played some mindless games on facebook for half an hour before going back to bed. 

That's just the mental and emotional withdrawal affects. The physical is almost as bad and probably doesn't help the aforementioned. There's a little nausea, but but there's also some sluggishness (as if I didn't already have trouble with that lately). Still the worst part is this kind of hypersensitivity to everything in a way that doesn't quite feel real. I don't know how to explain it. There's a tingling right on the edge of everything, there but not quite. I'm itchy off and on and I feel kind of gross all over. Every little thing bothers me more and more. I'm not able to concentrate very well and keep flipping back and forth between things like I did when I was a kid and suffering from ADHD. I grew out of that, thankfully. But the fact that I can't focus on one thing and get it accomplished from point A to point B really pisses me off. 

I really want to talk to my doctor about switching to another anti-depressant. I hate the withdrawal symptoms of this one. I hate that it is so expensive that I have to go to another town just to get a discount so I can almost afford it. I am going to ask her to put me back on something that I have had before. Something that doesn't have these horrible withdrawal effects that way if I run out and can't get it for a couple of days, I am okay and not ready to tear at my own skin and vomit. Something which has a generic version and is actually affordable and that I can pick up from a local pharmacy. 

I suppose there is one more good thing I have to report. My college apparently sent my name to some association for Leadership and Success who in turn e-mailed my school e-mail to let me know that firstly, and secondly to invite me to join them. Ever paranoid of scams and such, I have at least looked at their website. I still have a few days in which to really review them and contact my academic adviser before the "deadline to join" ends. But from a brief glance, it doesn't cost anything and I would be eligible for certain scholarships. I will look into them more in depth over the next few days after I get some homework done and out of the way. Strangely enough my writing class has less homework than my World Mythology class. 

Speaking of my World Myth class, I am doing an "in black board wiki" page on the Norse Goddess Freyja and her Brisingamen necklace. On top of that we have to do loads of reading from the book, articles, the week's overview, and sometimes watch videos, and do discussion board posts. Next week we are supposed to watch a movie and take certain notes while analyzing it. And on top of all of that we are to do a mythic archaeology project on ourselves and write a paper on the three biggest decisions of our lives and try to find out the mythical connotations behind them. I foresee myself drinking vodka or sangria's or even white russians while doing that project.   

But yeah, that's just about it for today. I need to get ready for bed, have an early day tomorrow. I'm turning in a job application for a library in Spokane tomorrow and Skoora is turning one in in Spokane Valley. We have lots to do after that and part of me thinks I might have already written this somewhere today... Shit, time for bed!


  1. I'm sorry to hear about your withdrawal symptoms, but I'm even sorrier to hear about the fact that you can't afford to pick up your meds. I can't imagine what it's like living in America with mental or emotional problems :( I hope you can sort it all out soon.

    1. America is supposed to be this great country and I grew up loving being proud to be an American. Not so much now. My government insisted on passing a health care bill that half the nation didn't want and was screwed up in the first place. The state I live in and the state my parents live in opted out. So those of us who actually need "affordable" health care, don't actually have access to it. What I do have access to, and I am grateful for it, is a local health clinic. To see my doctor, it's 25 dollars a visit. That's really not that bad, except when you don't have 25 dollars to begin with.

      Still, I love my doctor, she treats me like a human being, and she is the only doctor I have had in over ten years who actually tried to figure out what my stupid body is doing. She doesn't just say, "Oh well you're overweight, so if you just lose the weight you'll be fine". She actually listens to the fact that my mother is 90-100 pounds and has had the same problems I am dealing with now. She genuinely tries to help. And I am hoping that she will throw me a bone when I call her tomorrow. I want to get my depression meds changed to something more affordable and it is my hope that she will call in the meds to the pharmacy instead of needing to see me. Otherwise, I will be out of meds until Wednesday of next week.

  2. Ugh! You were taking Effexor or Cymbalta, right? Either way, all those newer SSRI's and SNRI's have horrible withdrawal effects. I understand all about the sensitivity and icky feeling and surrealism. It's awful. The crying bouts come with not having the meds. When I had no insurance and the pharma company yanked the free med program I was in dire straits. I cried at the drop of a hat. I got weird neural symptoms, as if someone were in my head flipping a switch off and on. Off and on. Like little jolts. Ick. Felt like I was walking around in a haze all the time. I hope you get them soon, by gods! And yeah, get her to switch you to something with gentler 'discontinuance syndrome.'

    1. It was Effexor. You know today, I have been kind of dizzy.
      Hey, the pharma company yanked the free med program from my Neurontin (for the fibromyalgia) not too long ago, that's another one that I have to go to a special pharmacy to get because they are the only ones around who have a discount on it. Since that one costs over 20, I've had to drop down to taking one pill a day just to make it last because if you stop taking that one, you can have seizures. Well, it was nice to get it for free while I could and the discount is nice too.
      I am going to try to get her to do that. Gods, we just have to get through the next couple of weeks.