Daddies cry too, a possibly very sick kitty, and a burning sensation that won't quit.

I am a total Daddy's girl. He's my go to guy for nearly anything I am unsure of or want more information on. He's smart, funny, and fun to be around, gives the best hugs, and sometimes he's a complete ass. But he's human with human emotions. When I was a little girl I only saw my Dad cry once and that was because he and my Mom were having a really bad fight. They rarely fight, so if and when they do, it's usually over something big. The next time I would see him cry was a my Great Grandma Ireland's funeral.

As I've grown up, I've seen my Dad cry at funerals of dearly departed loved ones and surprisingly enough, a couple of times while watching movies. Dad cried when we watched Harry Potter, when Haggrid came back at the end of the film after being sent away from Hogwarts. And, he was man enough to admit it when I asked if he was getting teary-eyed.

Tonight, my Dad cried for a reason that isn't within the norm of what I have known him to cry over. Every once in awhile things get to be too much and people need release. People get sad and need to cry. My Dad has a lot of reasons to be depressed, angry, and frustrated over. Grandpa, his father, has Alzheimer's and we don't think Grandpa will be sharp for much longer. His mind is going pretty quickly. Dad is scared to lose his father and he's scared that he too might be facing the same mental future. I'm scared for him too, more so for him than for myself because I will do everything I can to take care of him no matter what condition he's in.

Dad is also very worried and furious about his job situation. He used to work in adult residential corrections and he was great at it. Seriously, his old employees walked up to him recently and told him that they missed him and the center where he worked is falling apart now that he's not there to keep it running properly.  Once, sometime ago, someone even called him a 'residential beast', he was that good at his job.

Anyway, since they eliminated his position in adult residential due to budget cuts, he was lucky enough to be offered a job in Juvenile corrections doing about the same thing, with the same pay and benefits. He took it because he's too young to retire, he actually likes what he does, and he and Mom need the county benefits and medical insurance.

Things have not been going well since his transfer. Apparently he has some very petty co-workers who don't like to be corrected, have their flaws pointed out, or be upstaged by someone who actually does their job and does it well if not better than they do. It's not that my Dad is trying to be some show off or create confrontation and tension, he's just trying to do his job right, the way it's supposed to be done, and get on about his business. Sometimes that means that he has to step on a few toes. It doesn't mean he likes doing it. He'd rather get along with everything.

But his personnel review came up and several of those co-workers pitched a fit about him, complained, and made trouble. So now Dad is on probation and when they decide to downsize, he will be one of the first to lose his job. And with the way the economy is now and the cost of medical appointments and medicine, he and Mom will be quite literally fucked.

On top of all of it, Dad suffers from severe depression. It doesn't help that I am moving away for who knows how long or that out of the group of four friends he hung out with in school, there are only two of them left, him being one of them. And he's tired and gets horrible migraines and I think tonight everything just hit him the wrong way.I hate hearing either of my parents cry, but when Dad cries and there isn't anything I can do to help, it makes me feel awful.

On to matters of a possibly sick kitty. My mom's cat Felan Phoebe ( pronounced~ Fee lawn) or Fifi as we like to call her, has become very thin. She used to be so fat, nigh obese for a small cat, in fact she looked like she'd swallowed a barrel. At first I thought that she was losing so much weight because my cat Galen has become a bully and chases her and my other cat, Yoda, away from the food dish. I've been getting after Galen for being such an ass and he seems to have toned that behavior down.

But Felan is still getting thin. She's so skinny I can easily feel her bones and she's lighter than my cousin's 9 month old kitten. And now she's taken to peeing on clothing in the basement. I thought maybe she was peeing on the clothes because of Galen. Then I thought it was because she was sick, but I've watched her and she's doing it on purpose so I'm beginning to wonder if its a combination of both.

As far as my back is concerned, it's still not much better. I think I've mentioned a burning sensation and today it's been really bad. I had my own bit of crying from it earlier today and my Mom wanted to give me some of her medicine. Since this isn't seeming to get better, I'm going to have to look for other things I can do to help myself. Medicine and exercises, even the home exercises for spinal decompression just don't seem to be enough. Or maybe I'm doing them wrong. I'll have to check and see.

So sleepy!

Well, I made it to school tonight. It wasn't easy but I managed to get through the whole class. I took my pain meds and a nerve pill and now I am so exhausted and sleepy I doubt I will get very much done tonight. I did manage to get some homework done, part of my math and I at least looked at my DC Electronic's assignment. I will have to postpone the rest of my work until tomorrow morning and afternoon.

I feel kind of bad and annoyed with myself because I should be able to do all of the homework tonight and even get some writing done for NaNo. I got a little done last night for NaNo but not much. So at some point this week, I am not only going to have to cram to get the homework done but also work my butt off with the NaNo work.

The good news is, I have finished the first story in a series of eleven that I am working on for my NaNo project. I started the second last night and have a very nice beginning. So tomorrow night, provided I am not completely exhausted after class tomorrow, I can work on something fun for a change.

There's a rumbling under my butt but Jack Sparrow didn't seem to notice.

Tonight while watching Pirate of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, we heard the windows on the storm door rattling and felt the floor and the sofas we were sitting on shake. At first I thought it was my cousin's 3 year old niece causing the problem since she was stomping around and being, well, a 3 year old fighting her long past bed time. But she stopped and the ground shaking continued for a good minute longer. It was a bit startling.

So, we turned off the movie and went to see if any of the local news channels were reporting anything. And they were. Apparently there was a quake down in Oklahoma near Oklahoma City and the tremors were reported to be felt clear up in Kansas City, Ks. Now we don't live that far from the Oklahoma border and it takes 3 hours for us to go from home to Oklahoma City, Ok. The quake was reported as being a 5.6 but as far as I know, no one has been hurt.

My Facebook News page lit up like crazy with everyone freaking out over the tremors and I am wondering if anyone else paid attention in science class like I did and remembered that we do have a fault line running though the Great Plains. We technically have earthquakes all the time when the tectonic plates shift and move we just don't always feel them and we certainly, to my knowledge, don't have quakes like those in Japan or California and other places in the world. There have been some quakes historically reported but nothing that would be on a world news headline. Just something that would make local papers and they are few and far in between. Also, there was a smaller quake that happened last night but I, of course, was asleep and didn't know a thing about it until this morning.

After my family and I had a little chat about it, we turned the movie back on and finished it. I'm telling you it's kind of hard to watch a movie with a tried, cranky 3 year old screaming in the background, but we had the subtitles on so I didn't miss out and eventually said 3 year old calmed down. She didn't like the mermaids though. She also said she didn't like vampires either. I, of course, told her that vampires were her friends and that werewolves were the ones she really needed to be careful of. Yeah, she didn't buy it. It;s a work in progress.

All in all I thought the movie was actually pretty good and if the rumors I've seen on the internet are to believed, and I am a little skeptical until I see an official announcement, there might be a Pirates 5. They certainly left it open for one.

Yuck!

Well, I am an unhappy camper this morning. I have been reminded of all the things I am going to miss when I move back to Idaho and the list doesn't just stop with friend and family. It goes on to comfort zone, local activities and community events.

Also, I'm down because I haven't been writing as much as I would have liked and on some level I feel very neglected. I haven't been playing guild wars with my Dad and he never seems to want to hang out. My Mom doesn't seem to either and since NaNoWriMo started I even feel a bit cut out from my girlfriend. She's writing on her own stuff but also doing an rp with a friend of ours. At some point I am going to have to complain which will make me feel like a complete shit. But damn it, I need some attention.

I am also having a problem with a friend who I will soon be around a lot. I don't really want to go into other than that I feel that she isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

I'm just really depressed and I'm sure once I'm not everything will seem so silly. 

the Occupy Wallstreet protestors and V for Vendetta

I've been following the Occupy Wallstreet movement, not because I agree with them, but because I'm trying to keep up with all that is going on. First let me state that I am not a Democrat. While Democrats have some good ideas, they are too few and far in between for me to ever be comfortable voting for them. I am not a Republican either, I am a Libertarian but I am not as conservative as a majority of them.

Secondly, make no mistake, I am not attacking those who legitimately cannot work or who are retired. 

From what I have gathered, the Occupy Wallstreet protestors are saying they are the 99% and for them 99% means that they are not wealthy, thus calling those who have millions and billions the 1%. They want the government to tax the rich and spread the wealth.

Let me ask a question. How would you feel if the government came to you and ordered you to pay more taxes, thus downgrading your way of life, no matter how extravagant it is, so other people could benefit. How would you like it if they told you the money you earned can't be used to buy a new car, send your kids to college, buy clothes or food. Or that you couldn't use the money for that vacation with your family you've put off for years because you had to work long hours and save up the money in a special savings account just to go.

Perhaps you would agree and perhaps you wouldn't. I, for one, wouldn't. But maybe that's because I am no stranger to the 99% and what most of them are really like.

Most, not all of the 99%, are on welfare, SSI, food stamps, ect... A lot of them don't work, not because they physically or mentally can't, but because they are too lazy. A lot of them abuse the system because why the hell would they want to work for a living when they can sit on their ass and collect money from the government. People even use their children to get money, after all the more you have the more money you can make off them.

That's right, I said it. I've seen so many pictures of people holding up the "I am the 99%" posters listing their useless college degrees, the debt they owe, how they are jobless, and even some say what they do all day none of which is looking fora job. And they all seem to think that they are owed something, that they are entitled to something.

Perhaps I am being too harsh and unsympathetic. However, I don't think so. I was raised that it doesn't hurt you to want, if you want something you work for it, no one owes me shit, life is hard, and most importantly, to do my best to be self-sufficient, independent, and not a burden to other people. While I am not in a position at the moment to be completely self-sufficient due to a back injury, I am still trying to go to school and still trying to do things around the house. I have been a bit unsuccessful but the point is that I am still trying.

So I think it's a bit wrong for a bunch of people to stand various places complaining about their lack of wealth when they are not perusing education or job seeking to help themselves. I have seen videos and pictures of people smoking pot at these events, a lot haven't showered, a lot are accusing Libertarians, the Tea Party and Republicans of racism while a lot of them are attacking Jews. And a lot of them are littering all over the place.

I have also seen reports that people are getting attacked sexually at these events. And sickening as that is, what's worse is these idiots aren't calling the police, they are handling it in their own way, which is to chase the rapists and molesters away. They should be capturing these monsters and detaining them for the police so these monster can't come back and hurt more people.  

What is more alarming is that some are masquerading as V from V for Vendetta. They have completely misconstrued the whole premise of the movie which is that the government should not regulate and control people's lives, what they eat, how they spend their money, or take certain freedoms away from people. Instead they are twisting V's mission into one of their own. It's very ironic that they want the very thing the movie is fighting against.             

It's a cold, wet night.!

I love the rain! I love to be out in it, the way it feels on my skin, and the smell. I also love to watch it fall from inside my house and love listening to it. It's nice and chilly and we're getting rain. So I made roasted butternut squash, Brussels sprouts in a butter cream sauce, and sausage. My cousin Sheena was over to watch a movie. She liked it, my parents didn't seem to like it so much which makes me very sad. It took me a long time to make dinner and I was hampered by my back.

 Speaking of my back, it's really bad again today. Since I'm not getting any better sleeping on the sofa, I am going to try and sleep in my bed tonight and see how I feel in the morning. Something's got to give not only physically but mentally. The stress and tension level within this house is stifling and no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from it. I feel very on edge and very close to breaking. But there is something within me that keeps fighting. The only question is, what am I fighting for?

My family is uber pissed at me and letting me know it. Some of my friends, or people I thought were friends are ignoring me. School is going to shit and my back won't give me a break. And the guilt, as if I didn't feel bad enough people have to rub and grind it in.  And I think my parents actually hate my girlfriend now and its over something so trivial and I am caught in the middle. This is insane! I just want this all to stop! It;s driving me crazy! I can't sleep without nightmares, I have trouble sleeping... I know I am gaining weight again. I cry every day and when I do I feel so utterly exhausted. I don't know what to do.

A whole day wasted…

The one thing I detest about the medicine I take is that all of it makes me drowsy. My pain pills, muscle relaxers, depression pills, and even my antihistamine which was prescribed to help with panic attacks (apparently there is something in it that helps with that). I’ve done pretty well with all of them together even without the help of caffeine to keep me awake but not today. No, today I am in so much pain that I had to take two of the pain and muscle relaxer pills (both of which are extremely low dose). The result was me curled up on the sofa sleeping all day.

There is also another thing I hate about my medicine, the pain and muscle relaxers in particular. I hate that they wear off so soon leaving behind the part that makes me drowsy and a couple hours of pain before I can safely take the next round of medication. So, I’m pretty much useless and useless doesn’t fly in my parents’ house, at least not for me.   

I have also spent the entire day, at least the minutes spent awake, extremely depressed and fighting panic attacks. There are several reasons why I’m so very depressed and many that give me cause to panic and I’m almost certain that if my back weren’t bothering me, I would and could handle it all much better and be able to pick myself up and get on with what needs to be done. But with my back bothering me and something or someone bringing me a new issue everyday or dropping their shit on me, I just can’t handle it.

My therapist, yes, I see a therapist because I need a place to go and talk to someone objective and not influenced by this person or that person, says that she has complete faith that I will get through this difficult time. She said that every time things get really bad I always find some way to keep going and to come out a little better than I was before. It’s really nice to have someone, a stranger no less, have faith in me where I can’t seem to find any. Still, as nice as it is, it’s not quite having the same effect as it has in the past. This time I really up shit creek without a paddle and the shit-water is boiling in it so I can’t just slip out of the boat and swim to shore.

I’ve thought about each problem and tried to find solutions for each one. For some there really aren’t any solutions that will work in my favor but I’ve tried to see the positive in each one. However, one of my largest problems ties in with another. My back and school.

ITT Tech is huge on attendance and I agree with them. I want to be there, I want to be in class. I would be there if I could but physically I can’t. So my grades have dropped. I’ve lost honors status which really upsets me. I know I can get it back but not this quarter. I am probably going to fail at least one class if not two. It’s not for lack of me trying. I’ve been playing catch up and reading my text books, and such all quarter but it’s no seeming to do me any good, except in one class. And the department chair of my department doesn’t seem to grasp the situation despite the fact that when I am barely able to make it, I take a pillow to sit on so I have some relief and I can’t stand up straight much less walk without being bent over.

I have spoken with him about my back. I have really struggled through my classes which are four hours long, to not only be there but to stay the entire time. But I am in so much pain it is very hard to concentrate, still I try.

Today I wasn’t able to make it. Today he called and more or less chewed me out. Tomorrow I have to call him back because tonight I just can’t deal with him. Tonight, I need to rest and try not to think about everything.  Hopefully, when I sleep again, I won’t have any nightmares. I’ve been having a lot lately.